Up there Kazaly

Since my “article” (and yes, I use that term loosely) about the cricket, I’ve been inundated with feedback. I have literally received an email from a certain “Mr Football” who has kindly offered to give a rundown on the AFL comp for this year, which I’m sure will excite all you drooling nuffers out there.

Adelaide Crows:
The Crows will be in for a tough year in 07. After playing in the finals for 5 of the last 6 years, inlcuding making 3 prelims, the tide may be turning, and it is unlikely they will be one of the comp leaders again. They will probably make the finals, but winning the flag will be a slog. They should be able to beat their pathetic cross town rivals, the Port Shmower. The Shmower are a bunch a fucking useless cunts. they have a reputation for having sex with their sisters, and a fetish for their mum's mickey juice. Very few people that live in Port Adelaide have made it past year 4 at school. Mainly becuase their parents were too drug fucked to enroll them.

Brisbane Lions:
Several punters referred to the Brisbane Lions as the team of the century after winning premierships in 2001, 2002, 2003. I wish these jerkoff's would let me use their time machine cos they have obviously gone to the year 2099 to read up on the what happened during the past 95 odd years. What a bunch of tossers, Steve Quaterman being the main one. If I had time machine I would find out what the winning lotto numbers where every week, win lotto and then give all the money to Bill Gates, he is going to end up with it anyway.

The Lions had a poor year in 2006; there were may distractions in Brisbane. Firstly Jason Akermanis was busy being a dickhead. It's not the first time he has been a dickhead and it won't be the last. The other distraction was Lee "Lethal" Mathews and his Devine Home commercials. The chick in that commercial is super hot, no wonder Lethal was unable to focus on football. He was probably thinking about the chick the whole time. Mal Michael left the club at the end of 06, he retired for about 5 minutes and then came out of retirement and will play for Essendon. It was bit of a down and dirty thing to do. Eddie Maguire probably had something to do with it. He has been trying to stuff Brisbane up for years. Basically ever since the Lions knocked the Pies of in the GF (twice). Eddie fails to see that the Pies didn't deserve to be there in the first place and were just a bunch of hacks that fluked it. Poor Eddie, he can have all the success in the world but he barracks for the Pies so he will always be a loser.

I am predicting Brisbane to be outside of the finals again, not enough depth just yet. They are moving the right direction though and will cause a surprise or two along the way. Prediction 10th.


- Mr Football

what's on second

http://www.theage.com.au/news/Sport/Watson-key-to-World-Cup-attack-Ponting/2007/02/01/1169919475423.html
So… Shane Watson is our new saviour of the world, is he? Last year he was touted as the next “Freddy Fucking Flintoff”, after Freddy took the Aussies apart in England. We jumped on the bandwagon and decided that we needed a bloke who could bat a bit, bowl a bit and have some room for a couple of tatts. Well, Watto is a fair unit, so he’s got the inking side of things down pat. It’s the other things that worry me. The guy is useless at cricket. Can’t bowl, can’t throw. Looks like a hat full of arseholes to boot.

He also breaks down after bowling 3 overs (of rubbish). How hard is it, Shano, to piff down 18 (wide) deliveries without ripping open your hamstring? Are you that fragile? We already have a decent bowler who is always injured, and has a highest test score of 201 not out, and he can’t get a game either. You might have heard of him, a certain Jason Gillespie.

As a batsman, Watson reminds me of a guy I played cricket with in under 11s. In the first game of the season, this kid stood at the crease and swung his fat little heart out, regardless of where the ball was coming from. He ended up scoring about 30 runs in 2 overs, and was regarded by many as the greatest since The Don. Unfortunately, he tried to re-enact his heroics every week for the next 3 seasons. Couldn’t quite do it, and was the only guy on the team that got more ducks than I did (I may have made that last bit up). That’s you, Watto, you tubby piece of shit. Stop being such a homo and learn how to play cricket. Being from Tasmania is no longer an excuse.

Crickwah up the doosrah

Because the Paceman (www.thepaceman.blogspot.com) seems to have relinquished his post to keep the world up-to-date with sport tips, results and happenings, I’ll do my very best to carry on his work, but without his humour or witticisms, and I will only make mention of the sports that I like. AFL and rugby union need not apply. Well, maybe AFL if I get really bored, and union if I’m even more bored.

Which basically just leaves the cricket. Australia vs New Zealand vs England. Hardly a contest really. Australia to meet the Kiwis in the finals. The Kiwis will win one game, but the might of the pack-hunting egos will reign supreme in the end. England should make it through the summer without beating the Aussies at anything except being a mob of unwashed tools. Sorry Poms, but that’s just how it is. Deal with it, and next time you win an Ashes series (could be another 98 years though), don’t get so fucking cocky.
You have the world’s ugliest fast bowler in Matty Hoggard, the world’s worst fast bowler in Steve Harmison and the world’s most overrated fucktard in Kevin Pieterson. So the game in Sydney today should be another one-sided affair with England hoping to bat first and make about 20, then let Australia chase that. Then they’ll hit the beach for the next few hours and hopefully piss off home again before their pasty skin blinds anymore unfortunate Australians.
As I mentioned, the Black Caps will most likely beat Australia in one game, and then be soundly thrashed in the next. Look for Hussey to keep everything together, McGrath to take a swag of wickets and Bracken to beat the bat on twelve consecutive deliveries, then get carted for a thousand in his next two overs.

Daniel Vettori is, as always, the Kiwis only hope, and will use the fact that he looks like Harry Potter to his advantage and use the “expelliaramus” charm to get a couple of cheap wickets. Michael Clarke, I’m looking at you. Actually, he doesn’t really look a lot like Harry Potter, but he does have glasses.
That Oram fella will again go the tonk, and will get another few runs in the first final, but will fall quickly in the next two. You heard it here first. Hopefully he also makes a few more wanking gestures to Ricky Ponting. Just quietly, Jake, you’re doing what we’re all thinking.

this one made a whole lot more sense in my head

I think the sasquatch doesn’t make many appearances these days because he’s got a stupid name. He sounds like the name that the media give celebrity couples, like if Sasquelle Jones and Atch McEwan hooked up. If they exist, I hope they do it soon.

kitchenette

"T'is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." I don't think the same thing can be said for pogo sticks though.

i am, you are, we are...

I really should have written something for Australia Day, but in the true spirit of being Australian, I just couldn't be arsed.

Have a good one.

sand in my machina

Paul picked up a shell from the sandy beach shore. It was a glistening pearl colour, with streaks of blue and red that swirled around the curved surface. It reminded him of the colour of dusk; not quite sunrise and not quite night. He held the shell to his ear, and sure enough, there was that familiar swirling sound that reminded him of the ocean. He thoughtfully took the shell away from his ear… and he could still hear the ocean. He was only standing a metre from the water line, after all. He dropped the shell and went out for tacos.

whale rider

John walked slowly along the beach, his feet making deep, clear tracks in the soft sand. He paused every now and again to pick up a small stone, testing its weight in his hand, and sent it skimming across the ocean. He counted four bounces along the surface of the water before it was lost in the waves. He longed to be out there, swimming through the crystal water, tasting the salt spray that hung in the air with the bright sunshine, or diving down as far as he could go, where the water temperature changed from a pleasant warmth to an eerie coldness, that felt almost alien.

Unfortunately, John was born without arms or legs, so that last paragraph didn’t really mean anything.

dog eat dogfood

As I sit here and toss scraps of food to the flocking pigeons that coo and warble me, I think, “How did these pigeons get into the office?” And then, “Why did I bring scraps of food with me?” And then, “Why is the photocopier jammed?” And so I train one of my pigeons to fix the photocopier, and he does, and gets a promotion and his own office and soon becomes head of the company, and doesn’t even want my scraps of food anymore. I should probably stop carrying them around.

run rabbit run

For some reason, names and faces often get confused in my head. For example, I can never remember what Alec Baldwin looks like. Apparently he looks nothing like The Queen though, which was an embarrassing day for both of us.

you are the star tonight

So… another year eh? Well done to everyone for making it through 2006. Buckle up though, cause 2007 is gonna be a doozy. And by doozy, I mean probably the same as 2006, but just a little more futuristic. But not much.

That said, here is my 2007 Astrology Guide Thing (AGT):

Aquarius:
With Mars dropping lower than your moon, 2007 will bring weather of varying degrees and climate. So if you’re one of those people who goes outside occasionally, wear something appropriate. I can see gumboots making a big comeback around August. Trust me on this one. You may also want to pick up some milk on the way home today, as there’s only a little bit left in the carton in your fridge.

Taurus:
Venus and Uranus (no, I couldn’t resist) will rise and fall, and as such, there may or may not be a life changing decision to be made. Whatever you do, don’t make that decision. You will also meet someone new, and fall in love. But they won’t like you very much and will put out a restraining order around July. Your lucky numbers are green and Portugal.

Gemini:
The answer to all of life’s little questions will be answered by a rising Neptune in conjunction with Mercury. Saturn will be out of focus in the background, and Mars is making a stupid face. Venus has its eyes closed and the flash makes Jupiter look really pale. 2007 will be another year of bad photos for you apparently.

Leo:
Neptune seems exceptionally bright for you in 2007, Leo. Or maybe it’s the new Blu Loo that you’ve just put in. Also, the hair that’s stuck in your soap isn’t yours, or anyone’s that you know. Scared much? Replace your toothbrush, Leo. Uranus demands it.

Sagittarius:
You will be presented with some money after a visit to the ATM that will help you to buy a Subway sandwich. Caution must be exercised though – the new taste things aren’t as good as you may think. Stick with what you know, Sagittarius. Stick with what you know (if reading aloud, that last sentence should be quieter and more dramatic than the previous one).

Cancer:
Health will be an issue, as your stars (the Saucepan) give warning of you being hit by a large truck. Don’t try and trick fate by hiding under your bed like a little girl. Accept your destiny and meet that truck head on. You will also get a promotion.

Pisces:
Friends will be a very important part of 2007 for you, as is shown by Neptune’s moon fraternising with Mars in the back of a cab. You should probably do your best to make some friends first, Pisces. And you’re not in a good position to be picky. Try that homeless woman outside the bank. A word of caution though, Pisces: she spits.

Aries:
Arians should take advantage of Saturn being in the northern arc of Earth’s transcendental glow this year, so they should paint their elbows blue and wander the streets to spread the word of ALF. “No problem!”, “I kill me!” and “Ha!” will become important phrases for 2007. Try to avoid being shot, Aries. The consequences could be disastrous.

Virgo:
2007 has a big change in lifestyle for you, as is shown by Mercury’s distant yawn. You will soon find yourself a bit more laid back, and will spend more time sitting around. This will be due to the loss of movement in your legs sometime in February or March. On the plus side, you won’t need as many shoes, so there’s no need to go shopping anytime soon.

Libra:
With a bright, twinkly star over there, and a less twinkly one there, you need to find out why the carpet outside the laundry is always wet. Clever things, those stars. But then, if I’d had bugger all to do but sit around in the sky for a trillion billion squillion magillion years, I’d probably have something clever to say as well.

Scorpio:
The solar flares in early 2007 will be affecting you immensely, Scorpio. You should try and find your sunglasses soon. According to the magical world of Narnia, which is in line with Pluto (even though it’s not a planet anymore), you have either left them at a mate’s place, or they’re underneath the passenger seat in your car. If you don’t own a car, you should buy one, and check under the seat… you may be pleasantly surprised. But don’t worry if there’s nothing there. It’s still worth a look though.

Capricorn:
There may or may not be a moon partially eclipsing a planet somewhere. Don’t forget to set a tape for Lost, cause Jack’s about to find out something that will change his life… forever. Also, check out Paris Hilton being a rich dumb slut in that show that she’s on. You will ring Quizmania, but will not get through, but it's irrelevant, as your answer was wrong anyway.

bowling, shane

Australian summers mean only one thing: Cricket. And lots of it.

Let me tell you a story about cricket. It was invented by the Polish on Wednesday as a means of raising money for new tennis courts for a reality tv show, possibly devised and hosted by Angry Anderson. The very name “cricket” means ‘to throw pegs into the sky', which basically sums up the sport.

The Polish played on a pitch that was half a kilometre long, with a ball that was made of both rubber and solid silver. The bowler’s end did not have a wicket, and the ball could be delivered in any way desired, such as throwing (called the ‘murali’), via slingshot (‘tommo’) or hand delivered (‘magill’). Runs came thick and fast in the early days of the game, as each side was made up of 3 people, the field was over 12 kilometres in diameter and each run was worth 600 points. It wasn’t until 74 years later that the rules were changed, the size of the playing arena made smaller, mostly due to the deaths and mysterious disappearances of several top Polish fielders. The most famous occurrence was in 1268, during a particularly savage approach on the bowling by local hero Jonas Stravinski. Young left arm fast bowler Throun Pise had the unfortunate figures of 4 overs, 0 maidens, 0 wickets, 862 runs, including 48 no balls and 60 wides. The bowler offered to field on the boundary at the completion of his over, collected his cap from umpire Chilinutz and headed off in the direction of the boundary rope, which was a mess of rusted barb wire in those early days. No one ever saw that bowler again, although no one really looked very hard.

Barbarian pirates who were obviously quite lost interrupted a game in 14:25 and quickly fell in love with it, so much so that they kidnapped the players and took them on board their ship. That pirate ship collided with a herd of flying giant squid whale sharks who were sleeping off the coast of Southern Egypt and the players escaped the sinking wreckage, swimming toward land, apparently the wrong way, as they were found in Central Queensland some time later. The sport was adopted by all Australians, who shared it with the world, purely so they could be better than them at it.

And also so we could have another socially acceptable excuse to get drunk.

My mistletoe has tinea

Christmas time is a stressful part of the year, where money is not as abundant as we would like, and time is a precious resource, like chickens to a chicken farmer during a particularly bad time, like during a fox plague, or if it rained chicken poison or something. So time is a precious resource. And money is scarce, like chickens during the same bad times, with that recurring fox plague and the flood of chicken poison. Right.

So to cut down on stress, and to save you time and money (and possibly chickens), here are Mister Evil Breakfast’s Christmas Tips:

- If you have young children, don’t waste money on buying presents that they won’t remember. Give them a shoebox instead. All kids love shoeboxes. This way, you get a new pair of shoes, and your offspring gets a great present.
- Invite all of your friends and relatives over for Christmas drinks. They will invariably bring food, wine and beer. After an hour, set fire to the couch so everyone has to leave, and you get to keep the food that they brought. You can do this several times as well as eat potato chips for dinner.
- Wrapping paper is both expensive and an environmental disaster. I think that’s why I like it.
- To save money on buying presents, don’t have any friends. Those lonely nights can be spent thinking of the money you’ve saved.
- If you want to get back with an old girlfriend, buy her a kitten or a puppy. That always works.
- Stuck at work and can’t get to the shops? Stationery is always a good idea, as are corporate branded t-shirts and folders.
- Dispel the myth of Santa Claus to the kids in the shopping malls – their tears are all the Christmas joy you will need.
- Don’t open your Christmas cards, but save them for a year and write “Return to sender” on the envelope. You can be thrifty when it comes to spreading good wishes.
- Christmas dinner is traditionally the biggest meal you’ll eat all year, and will probably be the most expensive too. Don’t be afraid to skimp on the trimmings. Instead of gravy, try some tomato sauce. Turkey can easily be replaced with leftover Chinese food, and you’d be surprised how a block of butter with mayonnaise can pass as Christmas pudding with custard. You can keep things traditional yet economical.
- Can’t find that ideal gift for that ‘special someone’? Buy them whatever you bought them last year, and explain that since they said they loved last year’s present so much, you figured they’d be doubly pleased with another one.
- Putting on weight over Christmas is a common occurrence. Not for me though.

Have a Mister Evil Christmas!

Deck the halls

Fa la la la la...

Does anyone think of what Santa might like for Christmas? I mean, sure, the big guy only works one day a year, the rest of it he just sits around, wallowing in his own filth, eating the slow reindeer and scratching his back on leftover Chrissy trees while the elves all bust their asses to make some toys for the good widdle boys and girls of the world. But on that one day, the red blob is a hive of activity, racing from hither to thither on his one-horse open sleigh (or something), punching himself down chimneys and carrying a giant bag o’ goodies around all night. And it’s not like he can start early or finish late, you know. The guy has a fair job ahead of him, and probably deserves some kind of reward.

So for the other 364 days of the year, does he sit around and think, “I’d really like a Playstation this year…” and then write a letter to himself and get one of the elves to put together a video game console for him, then open it on Christmas Day and say, “Wow! A Playstation! What a motherfucking surprise!” Of course not, the poor bastard delivered it to himself. And then he forgot to ask for any games, so for the next year he’s sitting around with his Playstation and wishing that he’d asked for Tony Hawk as well. Then the next year, he gets that from himself (“Wow! Tony Hawk! What a motherfucking surprise!”) and then he realises that he doesn’t have a tv, so he still can’t play it. So the next year he puts a tv on his list. Then he gets his tv (“Wow! A tv! What a motherfucking surprise!”) and then one of the elves tells him they’ve just released the Playstation 3, which is way better than the one he’s just got, and all the elves laugh at him cause he’s playing a crap game machine.

Poor Santa.

A very evil breakfast to you

On Christmas Eve, it’s tradition to leave milk and cookies out for Santa. Bugger that. That’s what the Yanks do. And seriously, do you think he really wants milk when it’s stinking hot outside? Hell no. To quote Ron Burgundy: “So hot. Milk was not a good choice.” Leave the man a beer. And not one of the crap ones left over from last month’s barbie when Uncle Trev brought round a six-pack of Tooheys Red, and then proceeded to hock into your James Boags. Give Santa a couple of nice, cold Crownies or even a Carlton Draught. At the very least, the Carlton has some trivia under the cap. And bugger the cookies. Hit the man with a kebab. Since he’s probably visited about a million houses before yours, and they should have all left him beer, he’ll probably need some kind of post-alcohol feed. Kebab. Garlic sauce. The meat is up to you.

Trust me. A few small changes in your Christmas Eve routine will be the difference between an ugly jumper (cause you need jumpers in Summer) and a Roboraptor.

Milk and cookies? Poor Santa.

T'is the season to be jolly...

Fa la la la la.

Well, it’s getting onto being Christmas again, where we can all go out and eat pig and drink mead and generally be Vikings about the whole world. It comes around the same time every year, but people are always complaining how it “snuck up on them” even though they’re the same people who complain that Myers have had Christmas decorations up since August. Yes, very sneaky. Santa is all about sneaking. A grossly obese man in a big red jumpsuit who flies around with reindeers, lands on your roof and hauls his fat ass down your chimney with a giant sack of presents is indeed the very definition of stealth.

Now, Santa may very well be happy to wear his red suit when visiting the northern hemisphere around Chrissytime, as I hear it gets quite chilly during the Winter. But what happens when he’s flapping around in Australia in 35 degree heat, travelling through the sky at 12 times the speed of sound or something? He’d be sweating like a badger in a wetsuit, and by the time he gets to your place with your pressies, he’d be one angry, hot, pissed off dude, who is more likely to pass out under your tree than leave you a Transformers toy. I’m surprised the smell of him doesn’t wake more people up – ever been next to a fat guy on a bus, train, plane, office, elevator, bench, tree, monkey, volcano or muffin? Yeah, the smell really hits you. Add about a thousand per cent to that and you’ve got Santa’s sweaty arse. I wonder if he gets chafing?

Poor Santa.

dort

I think if you lived on top of a traffic light, the "beep beep beep" noise would annoy you at first. But you'd probably get used to it, and eventually you'd be wondering, "Frankly, how did we live without it?"

crispy

One day I saw a small child open a packet of peanut M & M’s and spill most of them onto the pavement. There was an attempt to eat them from the ground, naturally, and a stern “No!” from the accompanying parent, naturally, and tears from the child, again, naturally. A few days later I passed that exact spot and saw the peanuts on the ground; the chocolate had been melted away by the warm Canberra springtime sun. And I thought, you know what? I am a lot like those peanuts. I was once wrapped in a hard chocolate shell and left to sit in the sun, forgotten. And then I thought, you know what? No I’m not. Stupid kids. And then I went and got drunk.

Crispy

One day I saw a small child open a packet of peanut M & M’s and spill most of them onto the pavement. There was an attempt to eat them from the ground, naturally, and a stern “No!” from the accompanying parent, naturally, and tears from the child, again, naturally. A few days later I passed that exact spot and saw the peanuts on the ground; the chocolate had been melted away by the warm Canberra springtime sun. And I thought, you know what? I am a lot like those peanuts. I was once wrapped in a hard chocolate shell and left to sit in the sun, forgotten. And then I thought, you know what? No I’m not. Stupid kids. And then I went and got drunk.

insert witty line here

A really good way to impress your friends is to re-enact the scene in The Wizard of Oz where the Wicked Witch of the West dies.

Simply dig a very deep hole. Whilst wearing a long, flowing robe, stand over your hole. Either wait for it to rain, or for someone to pour water over you. Slowly lower yourself into the hole and scream "I'm melting!" while making sure that the robe covers the hole. Stay in the hole until the applause dies down. If it's raining very heavily, don't stay there for too long or you might catch a cold.