you are the star tonight

So… another year eh? Well done to everyone for making it through 2006. Buckle up though, cause 2007 is gonna be a doozy. And by doozy, I mean probably the same as 2006, but just a little more futuristic. But not much.

That said, here is my 2007 Astrology Guide Thing (AGT):

Aquarius:
With Mars dropping lower than your moon, 2007 will bring weather of varying degrees and climate. So if you’re one of those people who goes outside occasionally, wear something appropriate. I can see gumboots making a big comeback around August. Trust me on this one. You may also want to pick up some milk on the way home today, as there’s only a little bit left in the carton in your fridge.

Taurus:
Venus and Uranus (no, I couldn’t resist) will rise and fall, and as such, there may or may not be a life changing decision to be made. Whatever you do, don’t make that decision. You will also meet someone new, and fall in love. But they won’t like you very much and will put out a restraining order around July. Your lucky numbers are green and Portugal.

Gemini:
The answer to all of life’s little questions will be answered by a rising Neptune in conjunction with Mercury. Saturn will be out of focus in the background, and Mars is making a stupid face. Venus has its eyes closed and the flash makes Jupiter look really pale. 2007 will be another year of bad photos for you apparently.

Leo:
Neptune seems exceptionally bright for you in 2007, Leo. Or maybe it’s the new Blu Loo that you’ve just put in. Also, the hair that’s stuck in your soap isn’t yours, or anyone’s that you know. Scared much? Replace your toothbrush, Leo. Uranus demands it.

Sagittarius:
You will be presented with some money after a visit to the ATM that will help you to buy a Subway sandwich. Caution must be exercised though – the new taste things aren’t as good as you may think. Stick with what you know, Sagittarius. Stick with what you know (if reading aloud, that last sentence should be quieter and more dramatic than the previous one).

Cancer:
Health will be an issue, as your stars (the Saucepan) give warning of you being hit by a large truck. Don’t try and trick fate by hiding under your bed like a little girl. Accept your destiny and meet that truck head on. You will also get a promotion.

Pisces:
Friends will be a very important part of 2007 for you, as is shown by Neptune’s moon fraternising with Mars in the back of a cab. You should probably do your best to make some friends first, Pisces. And you’re not in a good position to be picky. Try that homeless woman outside the bank. A word of caution though, Pisces: she spits.

Aries:
Arians should take advantage of Saturn being in the northern arc of Earth’s transcendental glow this year, so they should paint their elbows blue and wander the streets to spread the word of ALF. “No problem!”, “I kill me!” and “Ha!” will become important phrases for 2007. Try to avoid being shot, Aries. The consequences could be disastrous.

Virgo:
2007 has a big change in lifestyle for you, as is shown by Mercury’s distant yawn. You will soon find yourself a bit more laid back, and will spend more time sitting around. This will be due to the loss of movement in your legs sometime in February or March. On the plus side, you won’t need as many shoes, so there’s no need to go shopping anytime soon.

Libra:
With a bright, twinkly star over there, and a less twinkly one there, you need to find out why the carpet outside the laundry is always wet. Clever things, those stars. But then, if I’d had bugger all to do but sit around in the sky for a trillion billion squillion magillion years, I’d probably have something clever to say as well.

Scorpio:
The solar flares in early 2007 will be affecting you immensely, Scorpio. You should try and find your sunglasses soon. According to the magical world of Narnia, which is in line with Pluto (even though it’s not a planet anymore), you have either left them at a mate’s place, or they’re underneath the passenger seat in your car. If you don’t own a car, you should buy one, and check under the seat… you may be pleasantly surprised. But don’t worry if there’s nothing there. It’s still worth a look though.

Capricorn:
There may or may not be a moon partially eclipsing a planet somewhere. Don’t forget to set a tape for Lost, cause Jack’s about to find out something that will change his life… forever. Also, check out Paris Hilton being a rich dumb slut in that show that she’s on. You will ring Quizmania, but will not get through, but it's irrelevant, as your answer was wrong anyway.