beyond the yellow brick road

She was the Printer Fairy. Luminous and radiant, she would fix office printers with the greatest of ease. Jammed paper, empty toner cartridges and broken feeders were simply remedied. She had a gift, and used her super powers to help people the world over. This talent, however, was found to be pretty fucking useless when it came to escaping burning buildings, as she realised that fateful day in July.

oh my god i can't believe it

A great way to lose weight is to send your food to yourself through the mail. Even with Express Post, it would still take a day to arrive. If you're really fat, you could just courier it to yourself so you wouldn't have to wait as long.

this is obviously not true. i don't have an office

The branch manager came into my office today and said, "We are having a branch meeting. It is about a new branch opening up." During the meeting, I stood on my chair and made monkey noises and climbed up the blinds. I think humour is a good way to make people more comfortable in meetings. I must have been quite high up the blinds though, because I couldn't hear any laughing.

watch me pull a rabbi out of this hat. Apologies to all the Jews out there.

My favourite sound in the world is a chorus of squirrels singing in conjunction with the noise you hear when you ring a fax machine by accident.

I can't believe I watched all of John Travolta's "Perfect" last night, when "Tango and Cash" was undeniably a better option

I think that if I was the first person to arrive on a crime scene, I'd put some spaghetti inside the victim, so that when forensics arrived, they would say, "This man is infested with maggots!" And then I would eat some and say, "God I'm so hungry. I skipped breakfast today." It might make some people sick, but I like spaghetti.

all the leaves are brown

Sleeping has been hard lately. So many questions go through my mind when I'm lying awake. Before I know it, it's morning, and I still don't have any answers. Like, what weighs more - a cubic foot of unsalted butter, or a cubic foot of adult blue whale?

today i got a papercut

I wonder if tall midgets get picked on by the other midgets. Do they get asked "how's the weather up there?" I also think it would be hard to buy clothes to fit a tall midget.

tell me a story...

People keep talking about how much of a genius Shakespeare is, and how his soliloquies are the greatest things ever written. Well, if he's so damn smart, how come he never mentions putty? It's squishy and malleable, and can be used to fix walls.

wake up

Do you think that the first person who lost his needle in a haystack started looking for it, and just thought, "Well... fuck. This is harder than I thought."

bubbles!

Don't ever go to the seafood restaurant and ask for qualms. You'll end up talking to the head seafood chef about his problems, and I don't think I need to tell you just how confused that guy is right now. He talked to me so long that in the end, I wanted to stab him with a fork. A seafood fork. So if you want a lobster, don't ask for qualms.

it's crazy what you could've had

Kevin the cowboy had tamed a thousand wild horses in his day, but never before had he seen a beast quite like this. Four legs of ferocious energy, eyes than burned like tortured souls in the pits of hell, and a temper from the eye of a storm. Kevin and the horse circled each other. He nervously chewed a stick of bubblegum, sweat trickled down his back, and his legs were shaking in frightened anticipation as he tried to concentrate purely on the savage animal in front of him. It was hard to do, as one question echoed through his mind: Why was this horse wearing his pants?

we are living in a material world

The other day, I was listening to the radio in my car and I heard a song that I didn't like, so I changed the station. To my shock, horror and suprise, the SAME song was playing. I changed it again. Once more, the same song was playing. Every station I tried, the same song was on. Then I realised that I wasn't changing the station, I was singing to myself. Then I realised that I wasn't even in a car, and had forgotten my pants.

yes, it's been a while.. and this one is kind of current, so if you're an easily offended crybaby, don't read this.

People always like going to the beach, but no one wants to spend their holidays at the desert. You have way more chance of being eaten by a shark at the beach than in the desert, at least until people realise this, and create an evolutionary effect on sharks so that they grow legs and wander around the desert, eating holiday makers.

Dogs die in hot cars

I think technology has come a long way. We used to just have television, but now we have television and couches, and cheese in a tube. What about the times when television wasn't even invented? What would you do while you sat on your couch and ate cheese? No wonder I can't sleep at night.

I was born a unicorn

The flashing blue lights behind him always made Ed nervous. He had done nothing wrong; his seatbelt was fastened, he wasn't speeding, and he hadn't had anything to drink all night. The policeman knocked on the window of Ed's mini. He rolled the window down.
"Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" the policeman asked, holding his hand out for Ed's license.
"No officer, I have no idea."
The policeman took Ed's license and looked at the photograph. Then he looked at Ed. Then back at the photograph. Satisfied, he handed the license back. The photo of the caterpillar on the license was identical to the caterpillar driving the car.
"Thank you, officer." Ed put the car in gear and drove off, leaving the policeman in his search for justice.
"I'll get you one day, Baron Von Krawl," the policeman seethed through clenched teeth.

Lost in the moment

It takes one kind of genius to invent the lightbulb, another to create nuclear power, and a third kind to understand the physics of the universe. But to me, the greatest minds in the world were at work to make the little switch on your rear view mirror that you hit when someone has their high beams on behind you. You're staring at your own car roof, but you can still see behind you. I hope the guy that made that switch is sitting on a tropical island, drinking cocktails and is surrounded by beautiful women who feed him grapes.

It's the eye of the tiger

Olaf's mighty axe cut through the army of in front of him. Sweat ran glistening trails from his furrowed brow, mingling with the blood spatters to create thick valleys of blazing red. Olaf wiped his hand across his face. The liquid on his skin was the colour of the sunsets of his home town of Jorgenvaas. He put down his axe, closed his eyes and hoped that the VCR was set for CSI.

Crazy...

In the olden days, when food was scarce, peasants would wash their socks in a pot of water, and drink the broth. I think that's how the term "sock soup" originated. This is also where we get the phrase "I'm never eating toenails again".

I'm going on a permanent vacation

Invention is a wonderful and misunderstood thing. I wonder how long it took Neanderthal man to invent clothes after he had invented the peg?

One, two, Freddy's coming for you...

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.