NRL 2020, Round 16: It's Death on a Stick Out There

The title of this week's blog is a quote from the greatest movie ever made about an FBI investigation into a group of surfing bank robbers, Point Break, starring Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze.  Don't worry about the remake, by the way, it's complete fucking rubbish.  It's not even fun in a "so bad it's good" way, it's just shit from start to finish.  When Gerard Butler doesn't want to be involved in a movie and chooses to do London Has Fallen and Hunter Killer instead, you know things are going to be bad.  Fucking hell, it was really shit.  Nothing about it was good, at all.  Even the sky diving and wing-suit bits were fucked, how the fuck can you make travelling at a million miles an hour appear boring?!  Not to mention Johnny Utah's ridiculous back story - an FBI agent who used to be a fucking motocross rider?  It just makes no sense, especially since motorbikes weren't even used in the fucking movie!  

I just need to take a break for a bit.  I might lie down or watch Speed or something to take my mind off things for a while.

Ok.  I'm all right now.  

Sadly, Point Break doesn't reference rugby league at all, but the reference to "death on a stick" is quite an apt description of the current state of play when it comes to injuries at the moment.  When it comes to playing professional contact sport, you expect the occasional injury - a concussion from an errant arm, a busted shoulder from a mistimed tackle on a bloke the size of a fridge, or a sore hand from scoring tries against the Broncos for nine weeks straight.  This year the league has seen a huge number of injuries, ranging from the usual things like broken skulls to hamstring tears, but also a lot of anterior cruciate ligament (ACLs) - which is basically the bit that holds your leg together and is very handy when it comes to standing, walking, and in the case of certain Souths players, fly-kicking some blokes during a street brawl.  

A lot of people are blaming the "six-again" rule for the spate of injuries due to the increased speed of the game, others are looking at the playing surface, some are questioning tackling tactics and techniques, players' fitness is being scrutinised, the playing schedule has copped some blame, a few people are also looking suspiciously at the Storm for being involved in it somehow.  Basically, injuries will happen in sport.  A lot of the time, it's an innocuous tackle, or a slight change in direction or shift in weight that just throws the whole fucking human body out of whack.  Other times, it's an obvious one like a knee that bends backwards because you've got a walrus masquerading as a footy player jumping around on it.  Welcome to 2020, the Year of Fuckedness; if you just make it through the season alive, you should be thankful.  The NRL Grand Final is probably going to be decided by whichever two teams can actually produce 13 players, or provisions will have to be made to have wheelchairs on the field.  At worst, allowances for two non-players to carry around another player Weekend At Bernies-style should be looked at.  

Round 16

Parramatta Eels vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Eels have cooled off so much recently that they're in danger of catching hypothermia, while Souths are coming in like space blankets & sipping some hot water (just in case anyone reading this actually catches hypothermia).  I think the Eels will lift for this game, but after spending so long idling in neutral, might find it hard to actually change up a gear.  Note: if this happens to you, please take your car to the mechanic, as it might be a serious issue with your transmission. I'm tipping a Souths win, but it should be worth mentioning that all of my "upset" tips for a Thursday night have all been fucking horrendous lately.

St George Dragons vs Gold Coast Titans

With the Titans boasting a forward pack that I reckon I could knock over with a light nudge (I have been working out though; yesterday I did four pushups [on my knees] as I was looking for an M&M that rolled under the couch), St George should maintain their recent run of "form" and really give their fans a case of fuck guys, why didn't you win more earlier in the season when you were still a chance of making the finals-itis.

Sydney Roosters vs Brisbane Broncos

Those madlads in Brisbane finally did it - they pissed off their coach enough that he "walked" away from the job.  I guess it's easy to walk away when someone has a gun in the back of your head (metaphorically, of course; although Tevita Pangai Jr might know a guy, if you do need someone to hold a gun to someone's head).  FUN FACT:  teams that get rid of their coach win 42% of the time the following week.  I think that this game is going to be one of the 58% that goes the other way, just quietly, and the Broncs will be lucky if they only get 58 points put on them.

New Zealand Warriors vs Newcastle Knights

I don't think I could possibly overstate this enough:  nobody cares.  Newcastle, New Zealand, fuck it, it's the same place anyway, so I don't even see why this game should exist in the first place.  Ridiculous.  

Cronulla Sharks vs North Queensland Cowboys

Let me check my copy of "Guide to Tipping":  Cronulla: pack of cheats and wankers.  Don't let Shaun Johnson's jawline fool you, and don't get lost in his eyes.  The Sharks are all terrible and shouldn't even be allowed in the competition.  This guide is pretty spot-on so far.   Cowboys:  it's hard to determine whether they're worse at attack or defending, because they can't really do either.  Doctors believe that the entire team may actually be allergic to grass and footballs, and shouldn't even be allowed in the competition.  This is a great guide - oh wait, I wrote it.  And it's on a McDonalds napkin.  And soaked in beer.    

Penrith Panthers vs Wests Tigers

I was contemplating a mahoosive upset in this game, as it's about time the Panthers clocked off for a while, and where they have lost a couple of strike weapons for this game, the Tigers have gained a couple back from injury and suspension and parole.  I'm going to stick with the Penny Panthers, but only just and only because I don't really care that much.  

Melbourne Storm vs Manly Sea Eagles

With Manly still licking their wounds from last week's hammering, along come the Storm to fuck them up some more.  Oh wait, with Smith and Munster and probably a bunch of giant-fuck-off forwards as well.  Well, I guess that's what you get for being Manly.

Canberra Motherfucking Raiders WOO vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Oh don't mind me, it's the game of the round - the NRL and rugby league world in general is frothing at the mouth to see this monumental match-up of 5th vs 16th.  The Raiders should piss this one in, and if they don't they shouldn't even be in the competition.  

If I was going to do an NRL remake of Point Break, Nicho Hynes would be Bodhi

NRL 2020 Round 15: Titan Bites Johnson, Broncos Eat Shit

What would a weekly blog about the NRL be without taking a huge steaming pile of number twos right on the Broncos?  Coincidentally, that is exactly how club legend Julian O'Neil got fired, but that's a story for another day.

This week, the National Broncos League shot themselves in the foot by concentrating on trying to bring online trolls to justice for spreading rumours about coach Anthony Siebold, who has hired Liam Neeson to track down these keyboard warriors with his particular set of skills that he acquired over a very long career.  Personally, I would have just said "no, it's not true that I sit down to wee" and concentrated a bit more on, you know, coaching my struggling football team instead of worrying about what a fucking idiot on the computer is blogging about instead of doing his work.  

Star centre and part-time porn star Kotoni Staggs showered in petrol and threw himself on the proverbial fire by calling out the club's "leadership group" for not being "good leaders" but then announced that he was "a good leader" while handing over a couple of grand for leading the players outside of their COVID quarantine bubble and hitting the slot machines at the local RSL.  It's good to see that Stagg's defense off the field is as confusing as his efforts while playing.

Everyone's new favourite team, the Gold Coast Titans, did their little brother club a solid this week and tried to take the heat off Brisbane by embroiling themselves in a media circus surrounding Kevin Proctor being accused of biting Shaun Johnson during their game against Cronulla.  I was disappointed that there were no headlines of "Man Bites Shark" in the Telegraph or "Rugby player takes Johnson in the mouth" on PornHub.  Proctor was subsequently banned for four games for having a nibble on Johnson, who was described as 'a snack' during judicial proceedings (and found guilty).  For such a breach of the rules - not only for player safety, but also morally - I would have thought a harsher penalty might be in order, like having to play for the Broncos for a month, but this punishment was deemed to breach the international human rights treaty under the United Nations Convention Against Torture.  

As if you wouldn't have a bite on this

Round 15:

Parramatta Eels vs Melbourne Storm

The Storm head into the match on a high after smashing the ever-living fuck out of the Roosters last week, although will be severely undermanned this round with fresh injuries to Jahrome Hughes, Dale Finucane and Suliasi Vunivalu.  Parra have once again managed to avoid the injury curse currently plaguing the league, but have a lot of work to do after a disappointing loss last week to the Dragons.  I'm tipping the Storm to battle through and take this one, based on nothing much at all. 

Penrith Panthers vs Cronulla Sharks

In a game of two halves, the Panthers have shown that they are a team of two sides - showing flair and brilliance in attack in the first forty minutes, and then displaying their fragility and ineptitude in defense in the second.  Either way, the worst Penriff defense will trump the best Cronulla attack.  Look for Matt Moylan to injure himself trying to open a pre-game Powerade.  Those caps can be tough to get off, but how he manages to dislocate his ankle while doing it will be the main concern.

Brisbane Broncos vs St George Dragons

I would rarely punt for any team with Corey Norman in it, but I just can't see the Broncos winning anything right now.  Adding to their woes, Brisbane keep managing to injure each other at training, which is surprising in itself as they don't play like a team who has done much practice.  The latest casualty is Tommy Flegler, who will require shoulder surgery following an incident during the week - possibly during a drunken game of Hoppo Bumpo.  Anthony Milford makes an early return for the Broncos after some pretend hamstring injuries, which only increases my predictions that the Saints will take this one easily. 

Gold Coast Titans vs Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO

Go you Raiders.  This one won't be a walk in the park, as the Tits are actually putting together some very decent performances lately, so it either means that the team has finally started clicking, or it's contract negotiation time.  Maybe if Canberra could not fuck around for the first half like they did last week, that would be great.  It was so painful to watch that it hurt Ricky Stuart's back.    

Wests Tigers vs Sydney Roosters

The Roosters have resisted rushing Sonny Bill Williams into the team to cover even more injuries from last week, including star playmaker Luke Keary, who has done his shoulder from carrying this overpaid bunch of sooks for the last six weeks.  Normally I would tip against the Roosters in this situation, but the Tigers only just got over the Bulldogs last week, so they're not exactly playing top-tier footy either.  I'm predicting a Roosters win, based on controversy, with injuries to two players and Jared Waera-Hargreaves to be put on report.  Again.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Manly Sea Eagles

This will be a desperate game for both teams to win; Souths need to solidify their spot in the top eight, and Manly need to win to remain in finals contention just in time for all of their players to come back from injury (and then lose again).  Souths have a stronger team on paper, and that's where this game will be won or lost.  On paper.  In the bin.  The recycling bin.  Because I care for the environment.  But not like heaps.  Just enough.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs New Zealand Warriors

So maybe it was Stephen Keaney who was holding the Warriors back this whole time?  While I would love to see the Doggies get up to pile more pressure onto the Broncos to come last, I don't know if I want to see it happen at the Warriors expense.  Maybe Newcastle or the Tigers, or a team that no one cares that much about?  

Newcastle Knights vs North Queensland Cowboys

I am predicting the most free-flowing game of the year here.  Both teams have a couple of flyers who are probably desperate to get into open space.  Cowboys' speed-merchant (not that kind of speed, Jesse Bromwich) Hamiso "The Hammer" Tabuai-Fidow scored one of the tries of the year last week with an insane display of toe (not that kind of toe, Kotoni Staggs), and I'd be happy for my tips (not the frosted kind, Dylan Brown) to get fucked up (no, 1997 Newcsatle Knights team) to see some more of that.

NRL 2020 Round 14: I Feel Fine

Not much has happened in the NRL this week, with just the business-as-usual Broncos players stepping down from leadership duties, Broncos players being stood down for breaching COVID restrictions at a pub, Broncos players being fined down for breaching COVID restrictions at an RSL - and a fucking terrible one at that, Broncos players banned for involvement with outlaw bikie gangs, Broncos players breaking their legs, Broncos players looking to change clubs, Broncos players looking to change sports, Broncos coaches seeking legal advice for extra-marital insinuations on Twitter, and Broncos fans setting fire to their jerseys outside the club headquarters.  Thanks for spending $180 on a jersey, fuckwit.  I know you're just going to go out and buy another one.

According to the bubble outside of Brisbane, other things happened too: mid-season player swaps, drops, retirements and signings, with the big news that coach Paul McGregor has finally been given his marching orders from St George, just as the club was starting to actually perform quite well.  As the old saying goes, good players don't always make good coaches, and in this case, average players make even more average coaches.  You will be missed, mostly by Corey Norman, whose career seemingly relied on you being in charge at the Dragons. 

 Round 14:

Sydney Roosters vs Melbourne Storm

Two of the league's heavyweights square-off to kick start the round in explosive fashion.  Unfortunately in the case of this metaphor, both heavyweights are missing their arms and the Roosters only have the use of one leg, and the Melbourne boxer is drunk and has quite limited vision.  What an exciting match-up this one will be.

NZ Warriors vs Penrith Panthers

The Panthers have officially hit their peak form, and put together a near-perfect first half last week to announce it.  The Warriors will do well to lose this one by 40.

Parramatta Eels vs St George Dragons

Parra slithered home in the wettest game of the year last week, and will hope to put together a solid game against a steadily-improving-but-still-a-bit-shit Dragons team.  What better way to send out coach Paul McGregor than a valiant 42-8 loss?

Cronulla Sharks vs Gold Coast Titans

Who would have thought that the Titans would be the most successful Queensland club in 2020?  Not me, and I doubt even the Titans players' mums would have thought so either.  It could be the coach, the new rules to encourage free-flowing play, or the threat of incoming players next year that have given the Gold Coast the incentive they need to actually play footy.  PS. I'm tipping the Sharks anyway.

North Queensland Cowboys vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Oh Cowboys, what happened to you?  You used to be so adequate - mediocre, even.  I'd go so far as to say "almost satisfactory".  Souths are threatening to put together a full 80-minute performance, and they might as well give it a crack against these numpties.  This one could blow out pretty badly, I reckon.  Even Latrell Mitchell might do something. 

Canberra fucking Raiders go you good things vs Brisbane Broncos

The Broncos have been hard at training at the leagues club, slapping the pokies and sinking schooeys in preparation for this one.  I don't want to say that this game is a foregone conclusion, but the Broncos have already written their apology to their fans and members for their poor showing.  It reads similarly to the last 12 weeks.  The Raiders have focused heavily on their defense this year; I think we're going to see their offensive flair kick in this weekend. I have my tissues ready. 

Newcastle Knights vs Manly Sea Eagles

Newy bounced back last week with a pretty decent win, while the Manlies continued to struggle and went down like $2 hookers again.  All I'm hearing coming out of Manly is "wait til we get Turbo back!"  Fucking hell, if your team relies on a broken fullback this much, maybe you should have signed one with legs that work.  

Wests Tigers vs Canterbury Bulldogs

And this is the way we end the round.  Nicely scheduled, NRL.  By this stage of the weekend, everyone has their Sunday night "oh fuck off, Monday" face on, so why not put this dross on for the rugby league faithful to well-and-truly cap off the weekend and make us wonder if the AFL might be worth a watch instead?

I'm expecting eighteen of these tries on Saturday night.  No pressure, Raiders.

NRL 2020 Round 13 - A few of my favourite things, Part 1

There's a reason that watching sport has been popular for thousands of years, whether it was admiring how far Ugh the caveman from the next clan over could throw a rock, to Gladiatorus the Gladiator wrecking cunts with his spear in the gladiatorial arena, or simply seeing Usain Bolt get fucking motoring down the 100m stretch.  It's the simple notion of someone doing something unremarkable, and making it remarkable, and then watching them perform for our entertainment.  The same could be said for reading a great book, watching an amazing film or play, observing a grand-master chess player, viewing a painting or other things that Sims do.

Rugby League is no different.  As a game, it's just 26 blokes running into each other for 80 minutes, but underneath that, there are infinite cogs working to create a strategy to play out a spectacle.  There are big men doing big man things, quick men doing quick man things, guys who could tackle a rhinoceros if they needed to, all working as one organism to carry a ball forward.

In this first of however-many-it-takes-when-I-can't-think-of-things-to-write-about, I will look at my favourite parts of the NRL and why I love it.

After every tackle, the player in possession of the ball must "play" it, by placing it on the ground and rolling it backwards with their foot to an awaiting player, and the ballet starts anew.  It's a pretty simple task that most players are able to successfully complete about a million per cent of the time.

Sometimes though, it's nice to see the wheels come off, and remind us all that despite how much time these players invest in training, discipline, practice, fitness, dropped charges, out-of-court settlements and preparation, they are still just unremarkable humans.

I love it when a player is tackled and wrestles with his tackler for a bit, humps the ground for a while, manages to stand up to play the ball and has to wait for another player to arrive to pick it up.  Even better is when he plays it without checking first, and there's no one there. Even better than that is when he plays it backwards, towards the opposition.

A glorious moment in the 2020 season that probably won't make too many highlight reels, but it's in contention for my own personal Play of the Year.

Round 13

St George Remember the Steelers? Me either vs Sydney Chooks

An interesting match to kick off round 13 (lucky for some), as these two evenly-matched teams (the Roosters fielding a reserve-grade team due to injuries, and St George at full strength) go at it.  The once-high-and-mighty Roosters have not been traveling well lately, scraping through the last few weeks with very unconvincing victories against some pretty ordinary opponents.  The Dragons, on the other hand, have been looking much improved of late, even during last week's collapse.  The Roosters have shockingly dropped their halfback and current NRL point-scoring champion Kyle Flanagan, putting my SuperCoach team into complete fucking disarray, and reason #4,072,926 as to why I hate them.  If the Chooks can latch onto the fact that St George's only attacking weapon is a 70kg fullback, they'll go close to winning this one.  

Manly Seagulls vs NZ Once Were Warriors

The Warriors are rank outsiders for this match, but I wouldn't write them off.  Manly are boasting a team with a high-school level backline, and have been serving up absolute durge the last few weeks.  I wouldn't be surprised to see an upset on this one.  So, if I'm expecting an upset, that probably doesn't make it an upset at all.

South Sydney Russell Crowes vs Brisneyland Donkeys

There's nothing like a leaked sex tape to really spice up a match.  Just as the Broncos were starting to show a hint of form, based largely on the on-field performance of Kotoni Staggs, the young Bronco has had his knob and foot fetish released for the world to enjoy.  I'm hoping that the on-field microphones can pick up some sledges from this match, or at the very least for Andrew Johns to inject a bit of foot humour into the commentary.  1 drink for any reference to "foot in the mouth", "showing some toe", "tiptoe" "Kotoni Staggs of the Brisbane Broncos enjoys sucking women's toes while filming himself having sex" or "clean pair of heels".  Honestly, feet are fucking disgusting, and anyone involved with them is just as gross.  

Oh, and go Souths.  Please keep the "Broncos are shit" memes alive.

Smellbourne Strom vs Canterbury Tales

If there was ever a chance for Melbourne to sit out Cameron Smith to see what the future will look like, you might as well do it against the Bulldogs.  It really won't make much difference, but it will give the commentators someone else to give a verbal handjob to for performing the most basic aspects of rugby league. 

Newcastle Nights vs Balmain Tigers

The Knights have provided a backline with the most interesting names in the competition.  Compare the Tigers back five of Adam, David, Joseph and Tom to Newy's Starford, Gehamat, Enari, Kalyn and Hymel.  Based purely on this statistic (does that even count as a statistic?), Newcastle will canter home.

Riff Panfers vs Canberra Motherfucking Giant Slaying Raiders

The Panthers looked the real fucking deal last week in the first display of awesomeness that I've seen them perform this year, and provided a massive "wake up and look at us, fuckers" to the rest of the comp who are all dribbling about Tedesco and Papenhuyzen.  The Raiders have shown a ton of grit and determination the last few weeks, but unfortunately this is not a game based on either grit nor determination, so they might need to rack up a few points instead.  As a loyal Canberra supporter, I will tip them for the win publicly, and tip against them in an actual competitions for points.

Sunshine Coast Titans vs North Quoinsland Cows

The battle for QLD supremacy is on.  Ultimately, no one is the winner, and especially not us, because we will end up watching it and wondering why, and how.  Reckon the Tits might get up here, based on absolutely nothing but a gut instinct from eating questionable Mexican leftovers that I can not remember putting in the fridge.

Cronulla Sharps vs Whatsamatta Eels

Parramatta looked unbeatable early in the season but have tapered off to a plateau you could use to cut Kevin Naiqama's hair.  This will be a great game for them to regain some form and put a smidge of effort into, as Cronulla haven't looked completely useless lately and have found themselves inside the top eight.  The Sharkies welcome back Matt Moylan for his monthly visit to the field, before he heads back to his usual bed in the Pissweak Ward at the Sutherland Hospital.