NRL 2018 - Round 13

If anyone in the NRL wants to fuck up royally and get shit faced on a massive bender, beat someone up, get caught with a few kilos of meth, run someone over in their car, headbutt a cop, lose millions at the casino, cheat on their missus with someone else’s missus who is a transsexual prostitute, whatever, now is the time to do it because no one gives a shit because it’s ORIGIN WEEK.

The teams have been named, the squads are in camp, all that’s left is for the game to actually happen so we can stop anticipating NSW letting us down and just accept the fact that they did.

The teams:

New South Wales

1.      James Tedesco – the most selfish player in the NRL.  Has so few try assists that he might as well be a halfback for Brisbane.

2.      Tom Trbojevic – solid enough, and a good choice despite the fact that he plays for Manly.

3.      Latrell Mitchell – the perennially-young 18-year old Latrell Mitchell was touted as “not being ready for Origin” despite having played quite well in the NRL for a few years. 

4.      James Roberts – comes into the side under an injury cloud and a history of substance abuse.  Should fit in well.

5.      Josh Addo-Carr – Brad Fittler has copied my video game strategy perfectly; stack the side with speed and just run around everyone.

6.      James Maloney – you just have to hate him.  Somewhere in amongst the hatred is respect, but it’s so far down that it’s just another kind of hatred.

7.      Nathan Cleary – the future of NSW, just like we said about the last eighty halfbacks that we tried.

8.      David Klemmer – at least he’s not Aaron Woods.

9.      Damien Cook – how Robbie Farah kept this guy out of first grade for so long is just weird.  Turns out he’s really, really good.

10.  Reagan Campbell-Gillard – always looks like he’s doing a lot better than he actually is, but I’m not going to tell him that to his face.

11.   Boyd Cordner (c) – fuck it, he would be the first guy I didn’t pick.

12.   Tyson Frizell – I haven’t really noticed him much this year to be honest, which probably isn’t a great thing.

13.   Jack de Belin – limped off the field in his last game and looked like he might have to be put down.  Is probably a liability, to be honest.

14.   Paul Vaughan – I wish this guy would come back to Canberra.  Hopefully he fucken wrecks some cunts.

15.   Jake Trbojevic – straight from the stables of “ball playing back rowers” that Manly seem to have an endless supply of, hopefully will get some decent game time.  Will probably take over Jack de Belin’s spot after his leg falls off in the 3^rd minute.

16.   Angus Crichton – Crichto is a future captain.  Has had a pretty quiet start to the year, but also cut his fucking finger off, which equals itself out in my books.

17.   Tyrone Peachey – can fill in anywhere in the backline, which is handy because at least three of those guys aren’t going to make it through 80 minutes.

18.   Tariq Sims – you either "love to hate or hate to love” this guy.  Will end up in jail at some point during his career.

Queensland

1.      Billy Slater – classic case of a bloke overstaying his welcome.  Has announced his retirement to ensure that he gets a Channel 9 obituary for Game 3. 

2.      Valentine Holmes – is only in the team because he can occasionally kick a ball off a tee.

3.      Greg Inglis (c) – has found surprising form this year, and is the default captain because everyone else is just too shit.

4.      Will Chambers – the most forgotten guy in the NRL, I reckon he could duck off the field most games and grab a hot dog and no one would even notice.

5.      Dane Gagai – has been picked because he was “man of the series” last year.  LAST YEAR.  Is taking up valuable real estate out there.  I look forward to him being shit.

6.      Cameron Munster – writes cheques his ego can’t cash, but who the fuck writes cheques anymore?

7.      Ben Hunt – started the season as well as anyone could have hoped for, but a recent drop in form has a few Queenslanders looking sideways (probably at their attractive sister).

8.      Dylan Napa – hahahaha what a pleb.  Has played his one good game for the year already.

9.      Andrew McCullough – cheats just as much as Cameron Smith, but gets away with it a lot less.  Will not be able to organise this rabble like the old bloke would have, and will be the scapegoat for a series loss.

10.  Jarrod Wallace – you know your stocks are short when you start picking Titans players.  I probably wouldn’t fight him unless I was a bit drunk.

11.   Gavin Cooper – has exactly one play in him that involves taking only short passes if he is close to the line and is passed exclusively by Johnathan Thurston. 

12.   Felise Kaufusi – I actually really rate this guy and would definitely allow him to buy me a beer.

13.  Josh McGuire – is the definition of “pretty good” personified, and will be replaced seamlessly at the drop of a hat. 

14.  Michael Morgan – probably lucky to be picked on current form, but has enough experience to ignore the new guys and just play with Inglis and Munster.

15.   Coen Hess – as soon as someone realises that they just need to tackle him around the legs, Hess’ career will be over.

16.  Josh Papalii – was dropped by his club for being a fat, lazy shit, so his selection in the Queensland squad was inevitable. 

17.  Jai Arrow – a strange selection, especially off the bench.  He has made a career out of plodding at one speed and being brain-dead enough to take hits for days, so will have shit impact as a sub.  

And in case anyone cares, here's the rest of the round... 

Round 13

Manly Sea Eagles vs North QLD Cowboys

Well, at least the Cowboys have been forced to name a different side to the one that has lost their last billion games.  With the loss of their dead-weight “stars” and a few key players missing from Manly, I’m tipping an upset this week.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Cronulla Sharks

Imagine rating the Sharks so low that you’d bring back Robbie Farah to play against them.  Unfortunately for the bunnies, the Sharks have been shit enough this year that they haven’t been that affected by Origin, so unfortunately my tip is going to them. 

Parramatta Eels vs Newcastle Knights

Welcome to the weekly episode of “Are You Good Enough to be a First Grader?”  Newy was found out last week when their game plan of “pass to Ponga” was countered by Cronulla’s plan of “tackle Ponga.”  I think the Knights will get over a strugglesome Eels side again, but it will be a close one that is decided by an inexplicable Michael Jennings dropped ball.  

Sydney Roosters vs Wests Tigers

Eh, I don’t really care.  Let’s just go Roosters.

NSW vs QLD

I’ve been saying it for years now (but this year I mean it), and I think the QLD domination period has come to an end.  To say that they’ll miss Smith is like saying that Bryce Cartwright misses tackles.  It’s not just the way that Smith played - by passing to his intended targets and kicking and running and shit, but the way that he managed the team and controlled the game.  I don’t think QLD have the ability or the players to cover that, and it’s not because of the team that has been selected, it’s just because there’s no one else who can do that job, and the current team needs that structured play. 

NSW on the other hand, have never really had it.  They’re used to running around like a pack of fucken idiots, bumping into each other and trying to fart into each other’s faces.  If they can just play out 80 minutes of solid footy on Wednesday, they will go on to win the series.  I think Fittler has picked the right half combination, I think the backline is solid enough and the forwards probably have the upper-hand in the first time since about 1995.  The biggest issue will be getting all players through the full 80 minutes as there are a couple of princesses in the team who would love nothing more than to strap an ice-pack to a knee and watch the game from the sidelines.  Actually, I’d love to do that; my knees are fucking shot. 

Yeah, probably should have retired last year, actually.

NRL 2018 - Round 12

For one glorious moment last week, the biff was brought back as Curtis Scott did the world a favour and beat the everliving fuck out of Dylan Walker.  No one knows what Walker did or said that riled Scott so much that he would go out of his way to knowingly cop a fine and a suspension in return for breaking an eye socket, but according to pretty much everyone in the league, Walks absolutely deserved it.  You know you’re a good bloke when 300 blokes don’t know what happened, but are just happy that you copped a flogging.

Other news this week sees old man Wayne Bennett planning on joining the Centrelink line when his contract of coaching the Broncos runs out next year, seeing that no one else wants him.  Whether or not this has anything to do with Darius Boyd following him around from club to club is anyone’s guess, but it probably isn’t a huge enticement to try and get a 4,000,000 year old fossil to coach your footy team when they have a $700,000 per year tumour attached to them. 

I’m not sure who Brisbane have got lined up to take the reins when Wayne fucks off, but judging from the look of most of their players, the Hamburglar is probably a front-runner.

But all of these issues are really just there to give everyone a buffer from the real issues in the game – things like why Cooper Cronk can’t tackle, exactly how much of Aaron Woods’ DNA is made up of marshmallow, and who is NSW going to select to inexplicably lose Origin again this year?  Because let’s be honest, Queensland’s invincible players are looking pretty vincible this year based on their club form. Last week’s unofficial “battle of the hookers” between Andrew McCullough and Jake Friend was actually won by Kurt Baptiste.  There’s no goalkicker.  The halfline is untested.  The utilities are out of form.  The forwards are mongers. 

It’s actually shaping up to be a pretty even and interesting Origin period.  Thank you, Cameron Smith.

Round 12:

Brisbane Broncos vs Parramatta Eels

Poor old Parramatta.  They have made the decision to swap Corey Norman and Clint Gutherson into each other’s positions in the hope that they’ll get hit by some kind of Beatles-inspired revelation.  Unfortunately in a team looking for a Lennon-McCartney combination, they are more likely to find thirteen Ringo Starrs dribbling all over the field.  

Canberra Raiders vs Manly Sea Eagles

Last week saw “another game, another close loss” from the Raiders and “another game, another performance that has no basis in logic” from Manly.  Come on Raiders, you useless fucks.

North QLD Cowboys vs Melbourne Storm

North Queensland couldn’t buy their mums a win at the moment and managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory last round.  The Storm are definitely looking rattled this year, although they will welcome back Cameron Smith from a well-earned suspension.  It would not surprise me to see the Cows get the upset here.  I’m not tipping it though; I’m not that stupid.

Sydney Roosters vs Gold Coast Titans

The Roosters continue to unimpress this year, doing just enough to still be “a good team” but are well short of being “the best team” in the comp.  But they really don’t need to be for this game; it’s just the Titans.

NZ Warriors vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

This is a rematch from Round 1 where both teams played like pure gash – things are a smidge different now, and are both sitting pretty in the top 4.  How that happened I will never fucking know.  Rabbits to win, but this could be a cracker of a game.

Penrith Panthers vs St George Dragons

St George are doing what they do best – start the season well, look comfortable as fuck out on top, inexplicably start to lose form, collapse in a heap.  The Panthers are somehow coming second on the ladder, but this game does not really bill itself as a battle of the two best team s in the comp. 

Newcastle Knights vs Cronulla Sharks

Cronulla are playing out-and-out balls at the moment.  I have no idea how they keep managing to win; they really are not that good.  Most people have also written the Knights off until Pearce is back from injury, which means that the only reason to watch this one is to have a gander at the latest NRL wunderkind  Kalyn Ponga strut his stuff. 

Wests Tigers vs Canterbury Bulldogs

NO ONE CARES.

I never thought it would be possible to lip-read a photo.  "Fucken hit me then!"

NRL 2018 - Round 11

What a week for Australian rugby league that will no doubt have a lasting impact all over the world.  News came through on Wednesday that shocked a nation, and will have future generations asking, “Where were you when you heard that Trent Hodkinson was moving to Manly?”

That’s right, Trent has been signed by the Sea Eagles for the rest of the 2018 season (possibly next year too, but I really don’t know or care that much), making this Hodgo’s fifth move since 2010.  This also marks the end of Jackson Hastings’ career at the Eagles, as when your club prefers a 30-year old arthritic plank over a 22-year old wunderkind, you know it’s probably time to rethink a few life choices.

Not to be outdone in the stakes of “BIGGEST NEWS IN THE NRL EVER”, Melbourne’s occasional bench forward and strange Origin representative Tim Glasby has signed with Newcastle on the three-year deal, bringing the Knights’ list of “solid forwards” to “all of them”.  Many rival clubs were quoted as saying, “Huh” upon hearing this momentous news.

Also, Cameron Smith has retired. 

It’s no coincidence that the week Smith finally gets suspended for being a dirty cheat is also the week that he take his ball and heads home in a sulk & decides to retire.  What a baby. 

Look, let’s be honest here.  The guy is a thousand years old, is built like an accountant who has a gym membership but doesn’t really use it, his recent form has not been good, he’s making uncharacteristic mistakes and his timing seems to be out.  He’s missing his old mate Cooper Cronk and is really fucking sick of Billy Slater being his new best friend, especially since he keeps using the phrase “The Big Two” when he's talking about them both, especially when it's just the two of them having a chat.  

It wouldn’t surprise if he is also carrying an injury, possibly gout.  It also wouldn’t surprise me if the Storm have been pinged for cheating the salary cap again, and he is just jumping yacht before the furore really begins. 

His parting gift to the NRL and Queensland Rugby League was his recommendation that Darius Boyd should succeed him as QLD captain for the upcoming State of Origin series, ensuring that his own legacy will seem even greater as the worst option possible gets selected. 

Round 11

Penrith Panthers vs Wests Tigers

Penrith will be welcoming back Nathan Cleary from injury this week.  Reports are in that his chin is back to full strength and his hair looks immaculate. 

Parramatta Eels vs NZ Warriors

Oh Parra, where did it all go wrong?  You guys were meant to be contenders this year.  The Warriors, on the other hand, clicked into gear early in the season and were belting all-comers.  Their recent form has been more like the Warriors of old, and Parramatta have officially nothing to lose (see last week’s game of touch footy for proof), but I still ruckon Un-Zud wull be able to beat the Ills, bro. 

Brisbane Gronkos vs Eastern Suburbs Roosters

It’s amazing what can happen to a team when there’s a month until Origin teams are named.  All of a sudden, the dead weight that is Turdesco and co manage to click into gear to earn themselves another shot at a rep jersey.  The Broncs are officially useless, with the only positive sign for them is that Jack Bird is injured and won’t be playing for them.  How he managed to hurt himself by avoiding the ball and lying down is anyone’s guess, but the way things are going, I don’t think he’ll be fulfilling his entire contract at Brisbane.

Gold Coast Titans vs Knewcastle Nights

Eh.  Go Newy.

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

So my early predictions for the might Bunnies might have been a bit not-entirely-correct, and they are actually playing some really good footy at the moment.  You could excuse me for thinking they’d be shit; any team with an arthritic John Sutton, more than one Burgess, a fat and broken Gringlis and Adam “Weekend at Bernie’s” Reynolds deserves to be mocked and laughed until my throat is sore.  The Cowboys are either playing mind-games or have officially given up, as they have named the same fucking side that has managed to lose for the last ten rounds.

Melbourne Storm vs Manly Sea Eagles

The last time the Storm took on the Sea Eagles without Cameron Smith, they were on the wrong end of a 40-0 thrashing and Israel Folau cried.  That was a pretty good day.  It probably won’t happen again.

St George Dragons vs Canberra Faders

Did someone say KFC?

 Cronulla Sharks vs Canterbury Bulldogs

The Sharkies have been getting their wins up this year but have looked fucking awful while doing it, whereas the Bulldogs have been looking pretty fucking awful and managing to lose.  It makes sense to just ignore that this game is on at all.

Suspended for what?  His leg is basically still attached, I don't know what anyone is even complaining about.  I'd retire too

NRL 2018 - Round 10

Sorry to everyone who’s been hanging out for my wit and wisdom over the last few weeks – I was off fighting crime in another dimension and couldn’t get to the blog.  You can just assume that everything I picked happened and all of my insights were well thought out and accurate. 

Not much has changed in the NRL since my last post – the Sharks are still underwhelming, the Roosters even more so, the Raiders are showing faint signs of life and the Broncos are still massive losers.  Not on the field, just in general.

It’s that time of the year when whispers around State of Origin teams start to get a bit louder, which is great for those of us who are shit at Chinese Whispers.  To be honest, I haven’t been involved in Chinese Whispers since I was about 6, and said the word “picnic” out loud to the class instead of whispering into Nicole Annette’s ear like I should have.   So far both Origin camps have suggested a couple of strange options, including Darius "Worst Player in the League" Boyd, and Sam "Second Worst Player in the League" Thaiday.  Both players are lucky to still have jobs for the Broncos this year, with Darius still having issues with his allergies to the ball and a morbid fear of other players, and Sam counting down the days until he can take over Beau Ryan’s spot on The Footy Show. 

To be honest, both of these guys could probably get a run and QLD would still find a way to win, seeing as NSW’s biggest conundrum is whether to pick James “Teddy” Tedesco or Tom “I’m Going to Fuck Up the Spelling of This” Trbojevic as fullback.  Both are halfway decent, which is about as much of a compliment as I will ever give either of them, but will have basically absofuckinglutely no impact on whether or not their team will win.

Round 10

Wests Tigers vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Can we say that the Tigers’ honeymoon is officially over yet?  They produced their worst effort of the season last week as they let in 30 points, which is kind of exactly how I kind of pictured their entire year to go.  With the Cows flying high after definitely not losing last week, my tip is for this game to be fucking terrible.

Newcastle Knights vs Penrith Panthers

I reckon Newy can get up against a Penriff outfit decimated by injuries.  Did you know that the word “decimate” actually means to kill one in every ten as a punishment?  There you go.  Don’t misuse the word like I did. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Parramatta Eels

Dust off your “Who Gives A Fuck?” stamp. 

NZ Warriors vs Sydney Roosters

I just don’t rate the Roosters, and I will definitely write about why not in next week’s blog, if I remember. 

Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans

The Storm will be super pissed about losing last week and will be looking to take it out on a second-rate footy team.  Oh look, it’s the Titans.  Good luck, dickheads.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Brisbane Broncos

I would watch a TV show based on the 2018 season for Manly.  It would involve an overpaid giraffe, an unlikeable young fat lemur, Trent Barrett and a whole lot of tears. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs St George Dragons

After coming off a big win against a premiership contender last week, the Dragons might come into this game a bit relaxed, which is fine because it’s only the Rabbits. 

Canberra Fucken Raiders vs Cronulla Cheating Sharks

WOO RAIDERS GO YOU GOOD THINGS just keep sending your big guys running towards Moylan and kick everything at Edrick Lee.  That’s your game plan, stick to it, put in 110%, come away with the two points, look forward to next week and thanks to Mitre 10 and Channel 9 and it’s my gran’s birthday, so happy birthday gran. 

How to beat the Storm:  punch Cam Smith in the balls and run right past.