Welcome to NRL Valhalla, where
it’s non-stop State of Origin shenanigans from your morning line of coke to
your last rooftop Cruiser. This is what
all NRL fans look forward to all year, which is weird that it’s kind of in the
middle of the season. It’s state against
state, mate against mate, plate against plate, figure-of-eight against
figure-of-eight, basal metabolic rate against basal metabolic rate.
As always, the main discussion
from the punters has revolved around the player selections for Australian rugby
league’s Night of Nights. This year,
there has been an unexpected twist on proceedings though, as instead of just
NSW picking 17 rubbish players, QLD have joined in on the fun too. After years of selecting the greatest athletes that Australia can muster, those crazy, backwards, inbred bastards have finally done it: they didn’t pick a fully fit and
in-form Billy Slater.
I wonder how that
phone call went:
“Hey Billy, we aren’t picking
you. We’ve decided that we owe it to
Dane Gagai and Corey Oates to keep them in the side. And we can’t break up the Chambers and
O’Neill centre pairing. I guess this
explains just how much we think of you.”
This is the first real look at
the future of what the Queensland State of Origin team will be like – Cronk and
Thurston will be retiring, Inglis is as busted as my left toenail, and Slater
has apparently slept with the coach’s wife.
For those playing at home, here’s
the team and my thoughts on the selection:
1
Darius Boyd
Would
be a great player if he wasn’t afraid to take a tackle.
2
Corey Oates
Looks
like he should be a really good player.
He isn’t, but he looks like he should be.
3
Will Chambers
“Well,
if we picked Corey Oates, I guess we’ve set a precedence for mediocrity.”
4
Justin O’Neill
“Why
stop our mediocrity with Chambers?”
5
Dane Gagai
It’s
beyond a joke now. Are you sure there’s
not four shitter players you can put into your backline?
6
Anthony Milford
Remember
how NSW kept picking players who were really, really terrible – like Reynolds and
Soward and Hodkinson, and essentially ruined their representative careers? It’s nice that QLD have adopted a similar
approach. I can’t wait for this little
fat fuck to just fucking fuck off.
7
Cooper Cronk
Well,
it’s nice that someone gets their swansong game, and it might as well be the
guy that deserves it the least.
8
Dylan Napa
If
giving away a lot of penalties and being ugly is your thing, who am I to judge?
9
Cameron Smith
Nice
of Cam to take a break from drowning puppies in his spare time to play a little
footy.
10
Nate Myles
Nate
Fucking Myles? Jesus, why not just give
Artie Beetson a call-up? Yes, I know he’s
dead. It’s sad.
11
Josh Papalii
Worst
haircut in the NRL, and that’s saying something. Also called the cops on himself twice because
he was drink-driving. I would have just
called a cab instead.
12
Matt Gillett
Best
second rower in the world, according to Matt Gillett and Matt Gillett’s mum.
13
Josh McGuire
So
bland that you sometimes think that Corey Parker is still out there.
14
Michael Morgan
Everyone’s
favourite “go to” man when you need someone to not do a job as well as another
bloke, but also need someone to blame when it goes balls-up.
15
Sam Thaiday
Only
gets picked so that he can retire earlier and get a job on Fox Sports. Hopefully it happens pretty soon; those
jerseys don’t go past XXXXL.
16
Aidan Guerra
When
I was younger, it used to be considered an honour to be selected to play for
Queensland. They had this weird passion
and aggression that bordered on psychotic.
Now they just hand out positions to anyone who looks (and plays) a bit
retarded.
17
Jacob Lillyman
Fuck
me, this really is the “Make a Wish” Foundation, isn’t it?
And in the Blue corner...
1 James Tedesco
Is
absolutely incapable of passing, has terrible teeth and is nowhere near as good
as people have told him.
2 Blake Ferguson
Despite
him being a decent performer – especially in big games – I really wouldn’t want
him in my team. He’d diddle my beers
Cruisers and then try and hit up every woman I’ve ever known.
3 Josh Dugan
A
broken old man who once went over 500 days without a try assist and then asked for more money. Noice.
4 Jarryd Hayne
Failed
at American Football and Rugby 7s, and will most likely keep up his current
form.
5 Brett Morris
I
think BMoz seems like a decent bloke and all, but surely to fuck there are
better players out there who aren’t 90 years old with mechanical hips? I’m just happy that they didn’t pick both of
the Morris twins, because I can never remember which one the good one is.
6 James Maloney
Looks
like the kind of guy who actually would try and do the “put your dick through
the hole in a popcorn box trick” but also be the guy who eats the popcorn and then
whacks off in the cinema.
7 Mitchell Pearce
Is
there only so the media can continue to run headlines about how he has “redeemed
himself” and “turned a corner” and doesn’t "sexually assault women" or “fuck dogs” or “piss on people’s
couches” anymore. Fuck Mitchell, watch out that someone doesn't steal your halo.
8 Aaron Woods
So
soft that NASA want to research him so astronauts going to Mars have something
nice to lie on.
9 Nathan Peats
Was
only picked because people thought he should have been picked last year. Fuck it, at least it’s not Robbie Farah
again. At this this time someone might
even get a pass out of dummy half.
10 Andrew Fifita
The
biggest dickhead in the entire NRL, which is quite an achievement. Unfortunately he is also playing really quite
well. But then, anyone in the same team
as Aaron Woods will have to work pretty hard.
We are all anticipating which convicted killer he’ll be supporting this
year.
11 Josh Jackson
The
only person in the entire world that rates him would be some delusional Rabbitohs
fan. Looks like he enjoys watching
commercials because they don’t go for too long.
12 Boyd Cordner
Yeah
he’s pretty good. Is captain by
default. Has a superhero chin, which is
always useful.
13 Tyson Frizell
Wears
black boots instead of fluoro ones like some nerd. Is probably too good to play for NSW, to be
honest. He is torn between being awesome
on a losing team, or being moderate in a winning side.
14 David Klemmer
He
was that kid who pulled the wings off flies and tried to blow up frogs by
sticking a cracker in its butt. Is now
the kind of man who punches smaller blokes in the back of the head. Will steal all of your cigarettes and go through
the photos on your phone.
15 Wade Graham
What
a fucking waste of a bench spot. Either
pick him in the team or leave him out.
What’s the point of picking an 80-minute 80% impact player to produce
110% for 20 minutes? None, that's who. Exactly.
16 Jake Trbojevic
Gets
the sympathy vote because his more talented brother was injured in the lead-up
to Origin. I predict that he will drop the ball on his
first touch.
17 Jack Bird
Will
do anything for a quick buck, including sit on the bench for 70 minutes of Origin. Hope he has a finger spinner, cause that’s all
he’s going to be doing. Seems like the
kind of bloke who is happy to have peaked in high school.
Round 12:
Souths ($1.82) vs Parramatta ($2.08)
I have a feeling that this one is
going to go yuge. I think there will be
a focus on scoring tries, and less so on tackling anyone. I think Souths will come out winners in a
36-28 shemozzle of a game.
NZ Warriors ($1.38) vs Brisbane ($3.15)
Benji is playing for
Brissy. Aw yeah. That’s all you need to know. Despite the Broncs having the majority of
their team out, I wouldn’t put it past them to sneak this one in. I also wouldn’t put it past the Warriors to
do their usual Warrior thing and move on upwards during the Origin period.
Cronulla ($1.57) vs Canterbury ($2.48)
I honestly don’t care. Go sports!
Canberra Fucken Raiders ($1.40) vs Sydney Roosters ($3.05)
The Raiders had better fucken win
against an under-strength Roosters team.
Sure, they couldn’t beat Newcastle, but that was different (not
really). Raiders to clap their way to
victory. Woo Raiders woo.
QLD ($1.94) vs NSW ($1.90)
To put a smidge of perspective on
things for this game, the last time QLD didn’t have a bloke called Johnathan
Thurston in their team, the Blues halves were Brad Fittler and Trent Barrett. To say that the Maroons have built a team
around him is probably a bit of an understatement. This is the time for NSW to get the upper
hand – QLD will be with a new halves pairing; one of which is a fucking spud
and the other has one eye on his retirement pension, a pussy of a fullback, the
worst centres in the world, two deadshit wingers and the worst bench players
that have ever graced the game.
Still, they’ll probably fucking
win.
 |
| Poor Darius will be missing having someone good to help him out |
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