The NRL went all out to take the focus off New South Wales’
State of Origin team this week by spreading rumours, teasing Parramatta and
forcing retirements, in a desperate bid to get some life back into the State of
Origin contests.
To start with, they pissed on Parramatta (again) by
announcing that local hero, “Aussie” Semi Radradra had left the club to “chase
his dreams” to play French rugby for a motza of money. This lead to me creating
the character of $emi La Radra, a rich and softly-spoken Fijian who cycles down
the Champs Elysees while wearing a stripey t-shirt with a French loaf in his bike basket and a ring of garlic around his neck, getting into all kinds of
easily-avoidable situations arising from basic and obvious language barriers
between French and English.
In reality, however, Semi just went to Fiji to visit his
family, because let’s face it, it’s no one’s dream to play French rugby. When asked for comment, even French rugby players were quoted: “Oh huh
huh, zis rugbee, eet ees so – ‘ow you szay – ze borring? I weesh I could follow meh dreams to play for
ze Parramaddah en Australie. Zey pay you
les millions et do nott esspect you to ween.”
So fuck it, I’ll just stop writing my stories about $emi and come up
with a new one do my job.
Ironically, the player who would have been most likely to
benefit from Semi’s departure to France would have been a bloke by the name of French.
Brisbane stalwart Corey Parker, in an effort to deflate the Maroon camp, decided to pull the pin on a
great career, surprising players and fans alike. His career stats are impressive to say the
least, and many thought that he would play for another year at
least, as his body seems to be holding up to the rigours of rugby league. Parker admits his physical health is up to
the challenge, but with four young children at home, named River, Memphis, Jagger and Wylei, a series of cognitive tests and MRIs confirmed every Queenslander's worst fears: Parker is retarded.
At the time of his announcement, Corey Parker’s stats stand as such:
- 336 games for the Brisbane Broncos
- 17 appearances for QLD
- 1316 points scored
- 1 Australia Service Medal 1939–45 for brave efforts in WWII
- 1 Victoria Cross Medal for participation in the Franco-Prussian War of 1870
Wednesday night’s State of Origin continued the par-for-course
story that everyone is used to, and in the end, nothing could help the Blues as
Australia’s favourite losers did what losers do and lost again (albeit in a
dimmer spotlight than usual). And, like
the mythological monster the hydra who would grow back several heads for each
one that you cut off, NSW now have more questions than they know what to do
with, and the closest thing they have to Hercules is Gus Gould. It’s not looking pretty.
Sports fans, journalists, armchair athletes, bloggers and
players are all united to bring the NSW Blues out of the shit and into the
winner’s circle, and have come up with a fool-proof plan to: (a) drop the
entire team, remove the coach, take out the current systems that are in place,
(b) keep a cool head and select experienced players who can lead the next
generation of NSW representatives, (c) don’t change too much about the team, as
they are building some momentum, (d) show loyalty to well-performed players and
give faith to developing players (e) stop changing the combinations that exist,
but experiment with new ones to find a good fit.
Fucking easy.
QUEENSLAND: MAKING HUGGING AWKWARD SINCE 1982
Round 16
Panters vs Souths
In a desperate attempt to stop their season from outright
exploding, the Bunnies bought a new player in Joe Burgess during the week. At first thought, it was rumoured that Souths
were trying to create a giant, retarded army who just repeat “burgers” and drop
the ball a lot, but apparently he is of no relation to the current NRL Burgess
clan of Sam, Tom, George and Luke. “The
Burgess Boys” sounds like they should be in an Enid Blyton novel about a bunch
of kids who stop a smuggler with the help of a pet jackdaw.
Knights vs Dragons
This game will be like watching a kid with no fingers
trying to pick his nose. Both teams should be forced to forfeit the match simultaneously,
thus saving the Earth from the paradox of one team having to win.
Sharks vs Warriors
I don’t care who’s missing because they tired themselves
out from losing against Queensland, the Sharkies get my “Cannot Possibly Lose
This Game” Award, despite recent good form from the spine of the Warriors. They’ve had three wins on the trot, so it’s
probably about time for them to fall apart again.
Bulldogs vs Broncos
Fuck it, I’m tipping the Broncos even though they have been
sixteen kinds of shithouse during the Origin period so far. Apparently “the other Morris” brother is
making his return from injury for the first time this year for the Dogs, so
that will be interesting, if that’s the kind of thing you’re into.
Titans vs Raiders
CARN YOU RAIDERS – these teams are actually pretty similar
in terms of their forward packs; big fucken guys you wouldn’t want to piss off
who aren’t afraid to offload. The last
time they played, the Raiders won the forward battle and the Titans leaked
points through the middle in the same way that the Raiders normally leak points
out wide. If Canberra can stick to the
plan of “we have the best right-hand side attack in the entire NRL right now,
let’s use them more than once per game” they should get back into the winner’s
circle, and find themselves strangely just outside the top 4 WOOP WOOP.
Storm vs Tigers
Fucking fuck I hate the Storm, especially during
Origin. Last week, they were all like, “We’re
only missing a few players” so I was all like, “Sweet, I’ll tip them,” and then
they were all like, “Oh and a few other players are injured too” and I was all
like, “Oh” and they were like, “Yeah and everyone else is out as well” and I
was like, “Should I change my tips?” and they were like, “Yeah nah, it’s all
good” and I was like, “Ok” and then they lost and I was all like, “Dude that
was the only one I got wrong last week” and they were all like, “It’s cool
brah, we won’t have anyone missing next week though seriously” and now I’m
like, “Yeah ok” but I’m totes not convinced.
Cowboys vs Manly
The NRL have given the Cowbs a leg-up with their
post-Origin recovery by scheduling their game as far from when the final XXXX was
downed, and giving them Manly as opponents.
With an out-of-form Brett Stewart expected to announce his retirement or
deportment this week, Cherry-Evans making his comeback from syphilis and Steve
Matai still pretending that he’s too injured to play, this should be a piece of
piss for our North Queensland friends.
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