NRL 2016 - Round 17: Semi-watch

Phroar everyone’s eyes are firmly on the prize in the skies coming out of Fiji and whether Parramatta winger Semi Radradra will actually make it home this week to play in Parra’s game on Saturday night.  Coach Brad Arthur is somehow managing to keep a straight face as he continues to string everybody along, declaring last week that “Semi has just gone home to visit his dad; he’ll be back on Monday.”  On Monday, the Eels announced that they had “given Semi extended leave, he’ll be back for training on Wednesday” and when that didn’t happen, noted that “Semi will be back on Friday and ready for the game.”  

You know how you might say, "I'll just watch one more game of footy, then I'll make dinner," but in reality you watch four more games and nothing gets cooked?  Brad Arthur is currently doing that, but he is still watching footy instead of cutting up the potatoes, and is still insisting that yes, the oven is pre-heating and the gravy is just about ready.  It doesn't matter that you're standing in the kitchen and can see that there's nothing going on, Brad Arthur will swear that it just needs a pinch of salt and you'll be eating in five minutes.  

So we will just continue to wait for updates from Parramatta, and can no doubt look forward to statements such as "we expect Semi to make it in time to warm-up just before kick off on Saturday" and "we’ve given him permission to join the team at half time" followed by "Semi has promised to be there at the 80 minute mark” and "we expect Semi to trot out for golden point extra time" before the announcement of "Semi's agent says he will show up for the post-match press-conference."  Honestly, whoever is writing the Eels’ statements this year is the hardest working person in the NRL and deserves to be picked up and paid more by a French rugby club.  

Fuck it, Semi can either come home or fuck off, but he needs to stop dicking around with the fans and with the game (and with our hearts).  The Eels are in all kinds of shit this year, with Radradra being a rare beacon of light and hope for the future.  But having him fuck around with his “yes I’m playing, see you on Monday, sorry got held up, be in tomorrow, hang on, I’ll totes be there soon lol” really isn’t helping anyone.  The club gave him a career, signed him to a four-year contract when no one else wanted him, and gave him stability.  If he wants to fuck off, then fuck off – no one can begrudge the fact that he can make a shit tin more cash playing union in France – but show some respect to the contract that you signed, or just announce your fucking-offness.  Everyone else in Australia wants a better job that pays more too, but they usually give notice to their employers when it happens.  If Semi does a fucking dodgy on the Eels, his presence in Australian sporting media should be relegated to clips on the Wide World of Sports whenever he fucks up in union, and a spot at #12 on 20-to-1 when they go through “Pricks Who Fucked Off Without Telling Anyone.” 

For those playing along at home, here’s the Parramatta story from the last month: 

19 May – Captain Keiran Foran makes $75K worth of punts at the TAB hours after he leaves rehab

20 May - Corey Norman arrested at Casino with a tin of "mints"

24 May - Corey Norman and Junior Paulo warned after they are photographed having dinner with a bikie gang

26 May - Corey Norman charged with drug possession after reports show that his “mints” were actually pingers.  Everyone is surprised.

29 May - Eels announce immediate release of Junior Paulo to join Raiders

31 May - Foran ruled out for season with shoulder injury

10 June - Fraud Squad raids Eels HQ

18 June - Eels deny Semi Radradra has walked out of the club

19 June – Semi does seem to have in fact walked out - his unit is empty and he's buggered off to Fiji

22 June - Michael Gordon signs with Roosters for 2017 (and who can blame him?)

28 June - Foran stripped of captaincy and issued breach notice for failing to attend (injury) rehab

29 June - Radradra fails to return from Fiji (still)

29 June - Radradra's former partner files for AVO

30 June – Semi still not back.  

Fuck it, if it all goes to shit for Parra (likely), they can recap some lost money by selling this shitstorm to Home and Away.

Roosters vs Bulldogs

All year, the Roosters have been pissing and moaning about having players missing, suspended, injured, on drugs, in rehab, fucking dogs or in jail.  This week, they have named a full-strength side.  This is the fucking double-shot latte Roosters side that both fans have been crying for all year.  This will make it so much better when they have no excuses for losing by a solid dozen. 

Broncos vs Storm

This game has the potential to warm the loins of all NRL fans around the country.  On paper, the Bronx should take the biscuits, but on form, the Storm will piss this one in.  With Brissy coming off a heavy defeat last week, finding confidence against Melbourne is like finding a Newcastle player who has gone through puberty – very difficult and most likely illegal.

Warriors vs Titans

OH FUCK I DON’T KNOW.  I’ve changed my tip for this game about twelve times today, and even went so far as to look at who had been named for each side, and came to the conclusion that this game deserves the “Mister Evil Breakfast No One Fucking Cares” award for the week. 

Tiges vs Panthers

It’s a battle of the young guns this week, as Penrith halfback Nathan Cleary prepares to show Mitch Moses and Luke Brooks the true meaning of the phrase “teenage prodigy.”  The Tigers proved last week that they can almost chase down impossible scores, whereas the Panthers proved that they actually can win.  Ergo, logic - hence therefore, ergo factum Pythagoras quantum physics particles acceleration, the Panthers should win.  You can’t argue with science. 

Sharks vs Parra

Why would Parramatta want to ruin the perfect week by winning this game?  Sharks to hit a club record 11 straight wins and Parra fans to cry into their Peter Stirling wigs for a while longer. 

Raiders vs Knights

Can the Raiders beat the Bye this time around?  After a fucking rubbish performance earlier in the year and allowing the Knights to come away with a draw, Canberra will be looking to thoroughly destroy the Novacastrians in this epic rematch.  Look for the bloke in the crowd wearing his Raiders underpants on his head and doing laps of the ground in a blaze of glory and tries, because it might be me. 

Souths vs Cowbs

“South Sydney Rabbitohs” is an anagram of “Dishonesty Shabby Rout” and “North Queensland Cowboys” is “Consequently Bra Show Nod.”  I think this speaks volumes.  Also, their current positions on the NRL ladder.  And their form.  And put $5 on Adam Reynolds injuring himself again. 

Manly vs St George

Are we still counting down the games until Brett Stewart officially announces his retirement, or is he just going to piss on his career legacy until he gets fired?  The other match up in this fart-fest will be Benji Marshall vs Dylan Walker – if someone doesn’t keep track of who runs across the field the most, I will be utterly disappointed.

Fucken smash him

One-liner of the day

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

Thought of the Day

I don't think I'd make a very good burglar.  I would never consider stealing the remote control when I took their TV.

Food Review of the Day

After an unsuccessful mission to K-Mart, there's really only one thing that can adequately wash away the disappointment of not buying stuff that I don't particularly need than hitting up Bunnings Warehouse, where lower prices are just the beginning, and sausage sandwiches are pretty much at the end? This week's dinner is proudly brought to you by the Lions Club.

Location:
Bunnings Warehouse, Tuggeranong ACT

Time:
Around 2pm

Weather:

Bit brisk and around 8 degrees

Hangover Rating:

Dissipating 

The first thing you notice is that this is no ordinary sausage - this shit was made with more than the usual minced-up pig arsehole and gumboots than I have been fed at Bunnings over the last few weeks; this was real meat, seasoned, and loved.  And then put onto a hot plate, chucked on a slice of bread, topped with onion, smothered in sauce and devoured within about sixteen seconds.  If there was a Bunnings sausage-eating competition, I'd probably win, just saying.

Everything about the sausage sandwich worked - you could taste the snag plus the added flavour of last week's barbecue, the onion was fresh and had the perfect consistency of being "a bit raw as well as burnt to fuck", and the sauces were plentiful.  The service was also top notch, and despite the Lions Club being one person short in their roster, everything worked like a well-oiled Swiss watch, if Swiss watches are meant to be oiled.

If I had one criticism, it would be that I received some stifled laughter upon ordering a Fanta, but that was soon forgotten and forgiven once the final grease-laden crust was swallowed.  PS.  Fanta is fucking awesome, do yourself a favour and have one soon.

Thanks, Lions - you get a well-deserved three thumbs up in a score of 9/10.     

NRL 2016 - Round 16: The NRL Rumourmill

The NRL went all out to take the focus off New South Wales’ State of Origin team this week by spreading rumours, teasing Parramatta and forcing retirements, in a desperate bid to get some life back into the State of Origin contests. 

To start with, they pissed on Parramatta (again) by announcing that local hero, “Aussie” Semi Radradra had left the club to “chase his dreams” to play French rugby for a motza of money. This lead to me creating the character of $emi La Radra, a rich and softly-spoken Fijian who cycles down the Champs Elysees while wearing a stripey t-shirt with a French loaf in his bike basket and a ring of garlic around his neck, getting into all kinds of easily-avoidable situations arising from basic and obvious language barriers between French and English. 

In reality, however, Semi just went to Fiji to visit his family, because let’s face it, it’s no one’s dream to play French rugby.  When asked for comment, even French rugby players were quoted: “Oh huh huh, zis rugbee, eet ees so – ‘ow you szay – ze borring?  I weesh I could follow meh dreams to play for ze Parramaddah en Australie.  Zey pay you les millions et do nott esspect you to ween.”  So fuck it, I’ll just stop writing my stories about $emi and come up with a new one do my job.   

Ironically, the player who would have been most likely to benefit from Semi’s departure to France would have been a bloke by the name of French.  

Brisbane stalwart Corey Parker, in an effort to deflate the Maroon camp, decided to pull the pin on a great career, surprising players and fans alike.  His career stats are impressive to say the least, and many thought that he would play for another year at least, as his body seems to be holding up to the rigours of rugby league.  Parker admits his physical health is up to the challenge, but with four young children at home, named River, Memphis, Jagger and Wylei, a series of cognitive tests and MRIs confirmed every Queenslander's worst fears:  Parker is retarded. 

At the time of his announcement, Corey Parker’s stats stand as such:

•         336 games for the Brisbane Broncos
•         17 appearances for QLD
•         1316 points scored
•         1 Australia Service Medal 1939–45 for brave efforts in WWII
•         1 Victoria Cross Medal for participation in the Franco-Prussian War of 1870

Wednesday night’s State of Origin continued the par-for-course story that everyone is used to, and in the end, nothing could help the Blues as Australia’s favourite losers did what losers do and lost again (albeit in a dimmer spotlight than usual).  And, like the mythological monster the hydra who would grow back several heads for each one that you cut off, NSW now have more questions than they know what to do with, and the closest thing they have to Hercules is Gus Gould.  It’s not looking pretty. 

Sports fans, journalists, armchair athletes, bloggers and players are all united to bring the NSW Blues out of the shit and into the winner’s circle, and have come up with a fool-proof plan to: (a) drop the entire team, remove the coach, take out the current systems that are in place, (b) keep a cool head and select experienced players who can lead the next generation of NSW representatives, (c) don’t change too much about the team, as they are building some momentum, (d) show loyalty to well-performed players and give faith to developing players (e) stop changing the combinations that exist, but experiment with new ones to find a good fit.

Fucking easy. 

QUEENSLAND: MAKING HUGGING AWKWARD SINCE 1982

Round 16

Panters vs Souths

In a desperate attempt to stop their season from outright exploding, the Bunnies bought a new player in Joe Burgess during the week.  At first thought, it was rumoured that Souths were trying to create a giant, retarded army who just repeat “burgers” and drop the ball a lot, but apparently he is of no relation to the current NRL Burgess clan of Sam, Tom, George and Luke.  “The Burgess Boys” sounds like they should be in an Enid Blyton novel about a bunch of kids who stop a smuggler with the help of a pet jackdaw. 

Knights vs Dragons

This game will be like watching a kid with no fingers trying to pick his nose.  Both teams should be forced to forfeit the match simultaneously, thus saving the Earth from the paradox of one team having to win. 

Sharks vs Warriors

I don’t care who’s missing because they tired themselves out from losing against Queensland, the Sharkies get my “Cannot Possibly Lose This Game” Award, despite recent good form from the spine of the Warriors.  They’ve had three wins on the trot, so it’s probably about time for them to fall apart again.

Bulldogs vs Broncos

Fuck it, I’m tipping the Broncos even though they have been sixteen kinds of shithouse during the Origin period so far.  Apparently “the other Morris” brother is making his return from injury for the first time this year for the Dogs, so that will be interesting, if that’s the kind of thing you’re into. 

Titans vs Raiders

CARN YOU RAIDERS – these teams are actually pretty similar in terms of their forward packs; big fucken guys you wouldn’t want to piss off who aren’t afraid to offload.  The last time they played, the Raiders won the forward battle and the Titans leaked points through the middle in the same way that the Raiders normally leak points out wide.  If Canberra can stick to the plan of “we have the best right-hand side attack in the entire NRL right now, let’s use them more than once per game” they should get back into the winner’s circle, and find themselves strangely just outside the top 4 WOOP WOOP.

Storm vs Tigers

Fucking fuck I hate the Storm, especially during Origin.  Last week, they were all like, “We’re only missing a few players” so I was all like, “Sweet, I’ll tip them,” and then they were all like, “Oh and a few other players are injured too” and I was all like, “Oh” and they were like, “Yeah and everyone else is out as well” and I was like, “Should I change my tips?” and they were like, “Yeah nah, it’s all good” and I was like, “Ok” and then they lost and I was all like, “Dude that was the only one I got wrong last week” and they were all like, “It’s cool brah, we won’t have anyone missing next week though seriously” and now I’m like, “Yeah ok” but I’m totes not convinced. 

Cowboys vs Manly

The NRL have given the Cowbs a leg-up with their post-Origin recovery by scheduling their game as far from when the final XXXX was downed, and giving them Manly as opponents.  With an out-of-form Brett Stewart expected to announce his retirement or deportment this week, Cherry-Evans making his comeback from syphilis and Steve Matai still pretending that he’s too injured to play, this should be a piece of piss for our North Queensland friends.

Story of the Day

I was feeling pretty sick earlier today.  Not illness-sick though; siiiick sick. So sick, in fact, that I did a kick-flip off my balcony and landed on my BMX and then popped a mono while I rode to work.

Thought of the day

I heard that when people get too big to get weighed at the doctor’s office or hospital, they take them to the zoo.  As a society, we shouldn't reward the morbidly obese like this. What's next, taking smokers to the aquarium and heroin addicts to the movies?  

Preview of the Day

STATE OF ORIGIN GAME 2

It’s possibly my favourite time in rugby league right now.  Not only is it the longest time between Roosters games that you can possibly get, but State of Origin Game 2 is on in just two more days.  WOO.  Can you feel the excitement?  No, me either. 

If there was any less hype about this game, we could be fooled into thinking that Game I was being played again. 

Basically because there’s nothing to be hyped about.  It’s the same Queensland team that we’ve seen for the last thirty years, which is all fine and dandy, because they keep winning and it would be stupid (albeit more fair to the NSW team) to change it up, unless it’s to get rid of Nate Myles, or let Aiden Guerra still think that he’s “just as good” as Josh McGuire?  Time will come when Thurston, Cronk, Smith and Inglis hang up their gold-encrusted angel-winged boots in two or three years, and that might be a good time for NSW to try and assert some ascendancy in the Origin ranks... except that QLD are already blooding new players and have got back up players to burn with Morgan, Munster, Oates and Coote ready to go.  

Meanwhile, New South Wales are just holding players like James Tedesco and Bryce Cartwright back... just for another season.  This is the same New South Wales who have won one series in 10 years, yet keep the same bunch of losers that didn’t win the other nine.  There’s a difference in showing loyalty to outstanding players or those you think will grow into their role… and then there’s flogging horses by sticking with underperforming players and letting people go well past their “Use By” date.  The only thing they've done right is bring in Matt Moylan and Josh Mansour for this series, although I have the feeling that if Josh Dugan and Will Hopoate were available, they'd both be spending another year on the sidelines.  Fuck it, if Rod Wishart and Tim Brasher were still fit (kids, ask your parents), I have no doubt they'd be selected.

As the priest said to the bishop, "But fuck the players!"  There’s also the New South Wales game plan, which is “play not to lose” rather than “play to win.” They place so much emphasis on stopping Greg Inglis that they continue to pick a half-fit centre in Josh Morris to contain him, despite the dramatic loss of form of GI this year.  The current focus of the selection process is not to choose a Blues player who can actually score a try, but to stop a one-legged dick-fingered opposition player from crossing the line.

Remember Jarrod Mullen?  That kid was picked to play Origin well before he should have been, and was routinely flogged, scraped off the bottom of Phil Gould's shoe and thrown back to Newcastle a sunken, withered player.  The NSW selectors are so desperate not to ruin another halfback’s club career that they’ve persisted with picking Mitchell Fucking Pearce for far longer than they should have, and are only now putting together a decent half-line, about two years too late in terms of form and injury.  They are also persisting with the (1) “bench utility” player; (2) the “big winger” option; and (3) the “defensive protector” for the half-back who can’t tackle. 

1.  You don’t need a bench utility if you pick fit players who are effective in their position.

2.  Big wingers should only be selected if they are actually… good.  Otherwise they’re just Blake Ferguson. 

3.  Pick a fucking halfback who can defend.  

STATE OF ORIGIN GAME 2 PREDICTION 

I gave the ol’ crystal ball a bit of a rub (eh eh eh) and reckon that the late injury to Josh Morris that has promoted Dylan Walker into the starting line-up (get your head around that if you can) is a complete ruse.  You read it here first:  Jarryd Hayne has spent the last month or so training with the Fijian rugby team to get fit and learn how to tackle again.  Our prodigal son will return from his adventures in San Francisco and pull on the sky blue #3 jersey once again.

And NSW will lose by at least 20.  

NRL 2016 - Round 15: 1800-CALL-ME

2016 has so far been the poster boy for “Close Games”, if a year is capable of being put onto posters.  And whenever a game is decided by only a handful of points, the loss is naturally attributed to a shithouse decision made by the referee.  The referee instinctively uses the “we’re only human” defence, whereby the losing team retorts with “and a rubbish human at that” and then it just turns into a name-calling match and everyone retracts invitations to each other’s birthday parties.

For example, in the Sharks vs Nth Queensland blockbuster on Monday night, there were something like 11 penalties in the first 18 minutes, and an additional two instances of teams being ‘marched’ a further ten metres for saying “what the fuck?” to the ref.  Only human?  Get fucked, dickhead idiot prostitutes. 

But then I thought… what if these referees are just like us after all, looking for their place in the world, looking to make a difference, looking for companionship and love?  So I did the only logical thing I could, and signed each referee up to Grindr to see if I could get them some human interaction.

GAVIN BADGER

Don’t talk to me unless you’re the captain. 

Likes:              Ignoring touch judges

Dislikes:          The Bunker, whinging wingers and centres.

Motto:             If you’re gonna be shit, be shit to both teams.

                       

I love it when Ray Warren pronounces Daniel Tupou as "Too Poo"

GERARD SUTTON:

I’m blowing Origin game 2, bitches!

Likes:              The ads for KFC on the video referee.  The sound of my whistle.

Dislikes:          Flowing games.

Motto:             My name is Gerard.  That says enough.

 

I don't really know what to do, so we'll look at it during the week

JARED MAXWELL:

I look good.  I look very good. 

Likes: Whistles!  Bunker!  Me!  I alsho like tawking lyk dish.

Dislikes:          Contemporary rules. 

Motto:             Double checking the onside ruling.  And just check for any obstruction, and make sure the grounding is okay too.  Check his parking and his engine while you're there.      

 

When in doubt, point both ways and look confident and steely

ASHLEY KLEIN

Fuck the Raiders.

Likes:  The Broncos, Cowboys, Titans, Dragons, Knights, Bulldogs, Sharks, Storm, Warriors, Roosters, Sea Eagles, Rabbitohs, Panthers, Tigers

Dislikes:          Ricky Stuart, Ricky-Stuart-based teams

Motto:             The Raiders can still lose it from here.  Don’t worry, I’ve got this.

Don't tell anyone, but I am tripping balls right now

SHAYNE HAYNE

Roses are red

This poem is bad

What rhymes with red?

What rhymes with bad?

Likes: Rhymes

Dislikes:          Watching football

Motto:  My name is actually Kevin, but I prefer to be called Shayne.  Don’t forget that Y.

When did that replay screen get here?

HENRY PERENARA

The best part of being a referee?  Easy – you can get into the ground for free.

Likes:              Colour and movement

Dislikes:          Counting all the way to six, loud noises.

Motto:  Last tackle means different things to different people.   

Why do people keep looking at me?

BEN CUMMINS

I’m the State of Origin referee?  Can I just check the video ref on that decision?

Likes:  Talking to Cameron Smith, going out for KFC with the Bunker. 

Dislikes:          Decisions. 

Motto: I’m pretty sure that was a try, but Cameron Smith just wants you to review it. 

 

Stop copying me.  No, YOU stop copying ME.

Round 15

Souths vs Parramatta

Good on Souths for getting rid of the dead weight that is Greg Inglis and Adam Reynolds and dropping them to rep level.  Hopefully now we can get a decent contest out of watching two struggling clubs try and drown each other to stay alive for another two minutes.  Even if it’s not an entertaining league match, there’s always the additional game-within-a-game that is “Who will Nathan Brown kill this week?” 

St George vs Melbourne

Melbourne.  Just because.

Warriors vs Roosters

Well… Shaun Kenny-Dowell is back for the Roosters, so that’s a good thing, I guess.  I mean, it can’t really get much worse than losing by a billion to the Storm like last week, right?  Unfortunately, it can – losing to the Warriors by about the same.

Titans vs Manly

Manly lost an unloseable match from an unloseable position last week – it’s almost as if the Sea Eagles had forgotten to throw the game before the 60^th minute by giving up a 20-point lead to lose by seven.  This week, Nate Myles is mercifully out – replaced by young debutant Liam Knight, who made headlines earlier in the year by spraying Aerogard into his own mouth to avoid a high range drink driving charge.  I look forward to a long and fruitful career of an upstanding member of society in what will no doubt be the first of many clubs.

Raiders news:

The Raiders went down to Brisbane last week by eight points, in a game that they could easily have won if they weren’t hypnotised by the Bronco’s fullback Darius Fucking Boyd doing the same thing THREE FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW to score identical tries: run kind of straight.  Darius Boyd does not step, nor does he swerve.  He literally stops, changes direction on the spot and then runs straight ahead again, like the character from King’s Quest.

Conspiracy Theory of the Day

You know, I have never seen anyone actually performing the surveys they use for Family Feud.

Thought of the Day

Whoever invented banana flavouring had obviously never eaten a banana before, and was just happy to have made it yellow.

Food Review of the Day

What better way to celebrate a Saturday than to head down to Bunnings for a stud finder, a hammer and some wall plaster?  Add a sausage into the mix and you've got yourself a weekend, my friend.  Especially when the sausage is proudly cooked by the Salvation Army.

Location:
Bunnings Warehouse, Tuggeranong ACT

Time:
Around 11:00ish

Weather:

Sunny and about 11 degrees

Hangover Rating:

Bit dusty 

You can't help but love the Salvos - they help people in need, they have dignity, and they won't chase you down outside supermarkets when you try and avoid the collection bucket.  But how is their sausage sizzling ability?

To be honest, they could have done better.  The sausage suffers from the 'fundraising curse' in that they have bought them from the cheapest place to sell them at maximum profit.  It's smart business, but it's not traditionally the tastiest of snoss.  Instead of getting yourself an additional 30 cents per sale, why not try a higher quality sausage and hope that the flavour inspires double-sausage purchases?  Let's be honest, if you're at Bunnings in the morning, there's a good chance that you will be back in the afternoon as well.

The bread was a step down from last week's netballing disappointment, and may or may not have been a day or three past its "Best Before" date.  There's nothing quite like that "crunch" when you bite into a sandwich... except for when you don't get a crunch from a sandwich.

The Salvo's onion was a saving grace - there was no fucking around with frozen bullshit from Coles this week; it wouldn't surprise me to know that the onions came from old mate Douglas' very own garden.  It was both plentiful and burnt well, and saved the sausage from being a complete failure. 

What the snossage snizzle lacked in flavour (and texture), it made up for with some military precision at the serving bar.  I guess that's why they are called an Army.  The old bloke was adept at rotating the snags, the other old bloke was fine with his bread and napkin handling, and the old duck was just there to have a chat.  My chat was about sauce, as I noticed that there were three on offer: tomato, barbecue and mustard.  We all agreed that tomato was the best sauce.  It was a great chat.

It was far from being a life-changing Bunnings sausage sizzle for all involved, but you can't help but love the Salvos, and throw a few more goldies into their collection bucket to help their cause.  I will also throw some bonus points at them and score them a solid 6/10.

Movie Review of a Movie I Haven't Seen of the Day: Alice Through the Looking Glass

It has been over six years since we were left unimpressed by Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, and now comes director James Bobin's sequel, starring Johnny Depp as Quirky Annoying Character Who Shouldn't Be the Main Character... But Is, and Helena Bonham-Carter as A Character that Helena Bonham-Carter would play.

If you didn't like the first one, you probably won't like this one either.  And if you liked the first one, then you are probably just impressed by colour and movement. 

Two stars.

NRL 2016 - Round 14: Like Shakespeare gave Chaucer a handy behind the library

Well, Parra’s season’s gone to shit

No one really expected it

Some dodgy deals with a dodgy Board

Now they get no points even when they score.

Though they looked so good til about round six

and Manly wanted a piece of it

& thought that they would have a punt...

Betting on your own games?  You you stupid… football players.

Even Josh Dugan is not that dumb,

and speaking of the Dragons’ number one,

he’s injured (again) and will face the knife

to get his broken arm straight and right.

But the procedure that he should undergo,

all Saints supporters want to know

is just which operation, from face to arse

would give him the ability to throw a pass?

Josh Dugan's tattoos started leaking onto Blake Austin

Round 14

Holy crap, this is probably the best round head-to-head that we’ve seen for a while.  Whether it delivers the chin-dampening droolfest that it promises will be interesting in itself.  But not THAT interesting that you’d ignore the games to watch Big Bang Theory repeats on Channel 7 instead. 

Broncos vs Mighty Unstoppable Canberra Raiders

Looks like two wrongs really do make a Wighton, as the Canberra custodian has been given the week off for (a) being too fucking inconsistent that it makes me angry, and (more importantly) (b) making light contact with an official as they walked past each other.  To be honest, I don’t mind him being omitted, as it brings Zac Santos “The Magnificent” into the team, and he brings a reputation of being the fucking greatest player in the history of the world ever with him.  No pressure though.  Over the last few weeks, the Raiders have performed like the unnatural offspring of Steve Smith and Steve Waugh when they have the ball in hand, but in defence look like the unnatural combination of Steve Waugh and Jason Gillespie.  The Broncos will be desperate to turn their form around, but I’m tipping the Green Machine to keep on Greening and Machining. 

Tigers vs Souths

Alright Souths, it’s probably time for you to, you know, turn up right about now.  The Bunnies have been a force over the last few years, and are dangerously close to fucking it all away.  I don’t know what they feed the Burgess brothers, but it has given them the ball skills of lesbians.  Giant, ugly lesbians.  The Tigers have James Tedesco.  That’s all anyone needs to worry about. 

Knights vs Warriors

Seems like the Warriors did their usual, “Ay bro, what round are we up to, hey?   I thunk it’s about halfway through, bro” and then decided to actually turn up and play some fooseball.  Watch for a solid two months of “holy shit, the Warriors are pretty good!” and then “oh wait, no they’re not.” 

Parramatta vs Titans

I’m going to sit on my Titans Bandwagon and ride this one in.  Woop woop.  Also, Parra’s only decent player has just been ruled out for the season.  Still, might as well top off a shit year with a bang eh?  Better than losing him while you’re in the top four with six rounds to go. 

Roosters vs Melbourne

Hahahahahahaha.  I might even throw a “CLUTCH GAME OF THE WEEK” award onto this one.  Safe as a freakin church at Christmas.  Oooh yeah.  Absolutely no questions about this one.  No doubts.  None at all.  Yep.  Oh god please.

Manly vs Penrith

Following the loss of both starting halves last week, Manly have opted to move State of Origin utility player Dylan Walker into the role of five-eighth, so he can fuck up for the full 80-minutes and offer absolutely nothing from the middle of the field.  This game (like all Penrith matches) will go down to the wire, and while it may be an exciting game, receives me “No one cares, dickheads!” award for this week. 

St George vs Canterbury

Doggies’ five-eighth Moses Mbye had possibly the worst game of his life last week, forgetting that he needs to mix Stillnox with Red Bull, not wash down Stillnox with warm milk.  If he can get his head into the game, the Dawgs will put on about 30 points, which, as anyone who has watched the Saints play this year, is about 28 too many to chase.

Sharks vs Cowboys

PHWOAR this game should be a cracker.  Despite them beating pretty much every team in the world except for the A-Team, I am still not convinced that the Sharks have the firepower to take out the comp.  But if they win this one, I might just change my mind.  No promises though.