There’s
a round of football on this weekend, if anyone still cares. Probably not right now, as Australia puts
aside their “Rugby / League / AFL is better!” differences and agrees that
cricket is fucking awesome (and soccer is shit). There’s something special about an Ashes
series – and there’s something even MORE special when Australia springs a
surprise awesomenaut out of nowhere and unveils a potential mainstay, future
captain, poster boy, marketing wet dream and potential man-crush for me. I’m not saying that Ashton Agar is any of
these – fuck, the guy has only played one Test more than I have, so let’s get
off our knees for a moment – but if there’s something that Australian cricket
needs, it’s a guy like him; quiet, unassuming, not a cock, educated, can play
cricket.
Anyway. NRL eh?
Ah yeah, I remember this thing.
Thirteen dickheads running at each other. Right.
In
good news this week, the NRL is back to its best, with star import George “I’mNot Sam” Burgess having his dick go viral on Twitter and Facebook. And possibly Instagram, Pinterest and
Tumblr. It might have even made MySpace
and LiveJournal. Here’s an idea to
everyone who’s thinking of taking a photo of their cock, norgs or jutz to send
to someone “special” – don’t. Just put
your pants back on and your phone away.
The NRL haven’t penalised Burgo, which is a good thing, as being a
fucking idiot isn’t a crime, but Souths have advised him to wear pants more
often.
Round 18:
Broncos
v Sharks
Eels
v Panthers
Bulldogs v Storm
Cowboys
v Sea Eagles
I’m
tipping the Sharks to continue to piss on the Bronco’s season (even though the
Broncs are doing a fair enough job of that themselves). Peter “Sterlo” Sterling came out during the
week to tip that this will be the first time since the Queensland clubs were
allowed into the comp that they won’t have any representation in the finals. While no one ever really expects the Titans
to bother anyone in the top eight, we’ve become accustomed to seeing the
Broncos get bundled out in the first round, and the Cowboys soon after. I guess we’re also accustomed to seeing Peter
Wallace line up for Brisbane, which probably explains an awful lot.
I’m
tipping the Panthers to keep the Eels stapled to the bottom of the ladder – no
surprises there. Sticky Ricky Stuart has
sacked halfback Chris Sandow for being shit, and Jarryd Hayne’s broken leg
didn’t quite heal in time for him to come back. Unless Brett Kenny laces us his boots for the
rest of the season, it’s not looking good for the ol Wattsamatta Eels.
Fuck
the Storm during Origin time. Fuck them
in the ear. They’d better lose. Same with the Cowboys, who are playing
gobsmackingly poor fooseball right now.
When the Raiders can pile a few tries on you, you know you’re travelling
poorly. And last week, the Raiders
didn’t just invite the Cowboys to come back into the game, they drove over to
their house, had drinks with them, ordered a pizza, decided to head to the pub,
called a taxi, paid for it, smashed a few schooies together, and organised
another mate to come and pick them up.
Then they invited them back into the game. That didn’t really work, but I’m keeping it
in (that’s what she said).
Anyway.
The
Cowboys are terrible.
Game of the Round
New
South Wales v Queensland
Mate
against state, plate against Tate, great against invertebrate. It all comes down to this final game… which
Queensland will win. Paul Gallen was
ruled out today with dwarfism, which has thrown the NSW camp into complete
chaos as they decide who will be overrated, a thug, a sore loser and a cheat –
in the end it was decided that Greg Bird and Anthony Watmough will share the
honours. Robbie Farah will lead the team
onto the field, in a decision that I applaud, as the captaincy responsibility
should definitely go to someone. And
Robbie really personifies that quality.
NSW
have opted to retain the same halves combination that didn’t do anything in
Game One or Two. I’m not sure who
Mitchell Pearce is sleeping with to retain his place in the side, but it’s
probably Laurie Daley and all of the selectors.
Johnny Sutton should be feeling a bit gipped about not making the squad,
but it also means that he can get on the piss while he watches cricket this
week. And he won’t have to risk being
James Tamou’s room-mate and accidentally fall into his mouth. Seriously, Tamou has a huge mouth, and his
jaw doesn’t always look like it connects the two halves of his head.
I
still think that despite the inclusion of Jonathan Thurston, QLD will be too
good. Keep in mind that this will be the
last time that Queensland wins anything for ages though. In the future, they should move Slater to the
wing and Gringlis to fullback. They will
be forced to drop Thurston (like the Cowboys should have done), and Tate has
already announced his intentions to leave rep footy after this series so he can
return to playing Roger Ramjet’s chin.
So there’s plenty of changes to keep in mind over the next season or
two.
Goooooooooooo
Queensland.
For a sec, I thought, "Tom Waterhouse and Mitchell Pearce look a bit alike." Then I put their pictures together and realised, "No they don't. They're just both fuckwits."
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