On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Nine Grammar Things

 

Yep, I’m that guy who will respond to an email or text message with a quick correction of your spelling and grammar.  I’m the guy who will interrupt your story to ask if you could please stop using split infinitives and pronounce things properly.  I have had to reinforce the asterisk key on my keyboard because I use it eighteen times as much as all of the other keys.  I have lost most of my friends.

I don’t know why it annoys me when people fuck up their grammar; it just does.  It’s like how some people are sexually attracted to feet, and other people are scared of clowns.  I am angered by misused semicolons and I turn into the Hulk (but bigger and sexier) when someone says ung-yen instead of onion.  There’s no G, retards.  Why are you pronouncing one?

The worst part about being a “Grammar Nazi," or as I like to call myself "A Dickhead," is that people will respond with an eye-roll and a “but youse knew what I meant so it doesn’t even matter, but.”  I will follow this sentence up by a swift head-butt to their face, and then I’ll staple an exclamation mark onto their bum while they’re crying on the ground. 

It’s vigilante justice, bitches. 

Want to avoid being head-butted and stapled and left to sob it out on the street?  Follow these simple rules:

1. Floating apostrophes

If it’s plural, don’t use an apostrophe.  Rule of thumb: If you see it at Woolworths or Coles, don’t assume it is correct.  There are no “Potatoe’s for $2.99 a kilo.”  There are no “Discount’s on goat’s.”  There are, however, idiots working there and writing their signs. 

Other than contractions (didn’t, can’t, shouldn’t), where the apostrophe takes the place of the missing letter (write it down and see for yourself!), you should only use an apostrophe if something belongs to someone.  The potatoes in Woolies don’t belong to their $2.99 price tag.  “The man’s bum was stapled.”  The bum belongs to the man.  Well, it’ll belong to me if I see you fucking around with apostrophes.

In terms of possessive plural (if you can’t keep up so far, face-plant the nearest wall and staple your own arse, please), the same rule applies, but you put your apostrophe after the pluralised noun.  “Goats’ favourite food is stapled human bums.”  If it’s one goat, it would be “the goat’s favourite food is bum.”  See?  FUCKING EASY. 

2. His vs he’s

The words sound similar, granted… if you speak like an inbred hick.  I have no idea how this trend began, but the word “his” is being run out of town by a mob of pitchfork wielding yokels.  Instead of “his bum got stapled,” we see “he’s bum got stapled.”  WRONG, DICKHEADS!  As per the apostrophe lesson, the word he’s is a contraction of he is so keep that in mind the next time you’re updating your Justin Bieber Twitter feed about “he’s face is so hot lyke a sunrise.”  You’re just embarrassing yourselves.  But you’re probably used to that.

3. Then vs Than

When I first read “I’d prefer being stapled in the arse then get head-butted,” I must admit I was confused, as I don’t think the order of which body part gets attacked first would make a huge difference.  Then I realised that it wasn’t a timing thing, it was an either/or thing.  Then I realised that everyone is an idiot. 

Rule of thumb:  thEn is for whEn, and thAn is for… um…an option.  Fuck it, not everything has to rhyme, you know.

4. There / Their / They’re, You’re / Your

Yep, they all sound the same.  Yep, they’re all spelt differently.  Yep, they mean completely different things.  “There is a man.  They’re head-butting me.  Their staples are going into my bum.” 

It’s the same with your and you’re.  One is a contraction of you are.  The other one isn’t.  Use them both in a sentence (start by saying it out loud first, then move that conversation into your head when you’re ready – see what I did there?) and try it out.  If you come out with “You are stapler is hurting my buttock!” then you are doing it wrong, so use the other one. 

5. The invisible but emphatic K

When people speak, they invent a new spelling of things.  I have already mentioned the mythical ung-yun, a staple vegetable in modern Australian Chinese take-away recipes.  You know what else isn’t a word?  Nothink.  Somethink.  Everythink.  You should only get away with this travesty of language if you are doing a bad impression of an evil German scientist from the 1940s.  Just quietly, that evil German scientist has a better grasp of English than you do.

6. You vs Youse

The word you’re looking for when talking to your mate is you.  The word you’re looking for when talking to a group of your mates is you.  I don’t think it can get any more simple than that.

7. Lose vs Loose

I just can’t fathom people writing “the Australian cricket team are loosers LOL they are the only team in the world that could have lost that game LOL they are loosers” and not realise what the fuck they have done.  They got lost right, but continue to staple themselves in the arse (and surrounding areas; I’m hitting the perineum next) by using loosers.  If the word was loosers, retard, the past tense would be loost.  I do agree with the sentiment though.  The Australian cricket team do try and lose a match at every available chance. 

8. Ur

This one is probably more me than anything else, but it pisses me off, and to be honest, 9 grammatical errors to complain about is a lot, so excuse me for phoning in number 8.  When people write “ur” in a text message, email, comment or tweet (if you handwrite it, I will kill you.  I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU), I really don’t know how to pronounce it in my head.  "ur coming out 2nite?"  "i like ur new goat."  Is it yer or your or you are?  I don’t like it, and it’s not really saving yourself a lot of time or energy than just writing it properly.  Damn young kids and their urs and stuff.

9. To vs Too

“I have too many staples in my bum!” is what I should be reading.  But no, I’m seeing “I have to many staples and I don’t know what too do with them.”  I know exactly what to do with them. 

Rule of thumb:  If you have too many things and aren’t sure which too to use, go with the one with too many Os in it.  That rule actually hurts my head a bit.  But not as much as I’m going to hurt yours if you keep fucking it up.  Ugh, I’m going to have to reinforce my forehead with steel plates and shit with all the head-butting I’m going to get done.