2011 NRL Round 26: Angry Breakfast Rant

Round 26, where have you been all my life?

The 2011 comp is nearly (not quite) over, and it couldn’t help but go down in a massive blaze of gloriously blazing glory this week, with the Manly vs Adam Blair fight dominating headlines. For unfairly being beaten up by six Manly players, Blair was suspended for five games, thereby ending his season somewhat prematurely. Hehe premature is a funny word.

I’ve almost liked Manly this season – fuck it, I’m going to say it – I HAVE liked them. They haven’t been the usual shitbricks that NRL fans are used to dealing with; they’ve played some expansive football and haven’t been massive cockheads about life. But this week… fucking hell. Glenn “Not Guilty… oh wait… Guilty” Stewart decided to fuck the whole year up by being a massive douchenozzle. He was charged with fighting; an act caught by a thousand cameras as well as about 40,000 witnesses, yet still wanted to plead not guilty to the accusation. Fuck off, dicklord – your brother got away with diddling a 12 year old (or something) but that doesn’t mean your whole family has a Get Out of Jail Free card. Upon advice that he would “lose the case” if he pleaded “not guilty,” Glenn fired his lawyer (“me want to win!”) and hired a new one, who somehow persuaded him to plead “guilty” the next day. My sources say the promise of a stuffed toy monkey and a bag of M&Ms did the trick.

It's a pity that Manly decided to ruin it for everybody, because there are a couple of crackerjack games this weekend.

St George Dragons vs Penrith Panthers
Newcastle Knights vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
New Zealand Warriors vs North Queensland Cowboys
Cronulla Sharks vs Wests Tigers
Gold Coast Titans vs Parramatta Eels
Brisbane Broncos vs Manly Sea Eagles
Sydney Roosters Melbourne Storm

Upset of the Round:
Plonk a Stuey Diver on the Roosters to beat the Storm. F*ck it, you won’t miss $5, but the $200,000,000 you’ll get back might come in handy one day if they do win.

Game of the Round:
Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs vs Fucking Canberra Raiders
All eyes will be on this game, seeing as its outcome will have monumental effects on the rest of the competition.

I’m lying of course, this game means motherfucking dick all; the Bulldogs will need to win by a literal cricket score in order to keep their season alive, while the Raiders are safe from the dreaded wooden spoon for another year, somehow having done just enough to not be coming dead fucking last. With absolutely nothing on the line except stopping the Dogs from racking up an embarrassing scoreline, this game is destined to add another rubbish dimension to a particularly rubbish season from the Mighty Green Machine. Better luck next year, boys.

Games I’m Secretly Excited About:
The battle for the spoon between the Titans and the Eels is freakin awesome. You couldn’t plan for the final round to decide who is officially the shittest. This game promises to be more hypnotically retarded than those two chicks who slap each other with pizza.

Special mention must also go to the Bunnies vs Newcastle stoush, which will decide who carries onto the finals. I really hope the Rabbitohs make it; I still don't understand how Newcastle got to where they are. I mean... they suck. Seriously suck. The Bunnies will be missing Greg Inglis, who has succumbed to a nasty break in his Not-Playing-In-A-Representative-Match-So-Fuck-It, which is a small bone in the foot, although seeing as he has been like my bathroom tap this year (hot and cold - see what I did THERE?), I'm sure they'll manage without him.

The Raiders have been experimenting with anti-gravity boots this season. It obviously hasn't worked

MEB cumulative score: 113