NRL 2011 GRAND FINAL

This is it? The grand final already? Man, it only feels like eighty-three years ago that the season kicked off.

What a year we’ve had – the Raiders were victorious in round one, Mark Gasnier retired, Darren Lockyer single-handedly won State of Origin and Billy Slater was identified as the guy in the Prime Possum costume. But the best part about season 2011 is the way that it ended: with Todd Carney on the unemployed list.

As the dust settles on season 2011, it has inevitably come down to two teams to duke it out in the Granny. Personally, I think throwing an extra team onto the field could create some excitement, but some people are traditionalists and just want to let the Manly Sea Eagles and the New Zealand Warriors play.

I think it’s safe to say that both teams stayed out of the spotlight for the majority of the season; Manly only drew attention to themselves towards the back-end of the year when St George decided to lay down their guns and not win any more, and NZ just kept sneaking their way forward, using the fact that everyone kept thinking that because they weren’t Australian that they must be shit as a very effective shield. Even now, Centrebet are offering better odds for Brisbane to win than the Warriors.

Both teams are coming into the match on the back of some shit-hot form, and it will all depend on who maintains their composure as to who will win. Personally, I think both teams have enough young’uns in their squad playing in crucial positions that the pressure of the game could squash their feeble brains. However, if everyone keeps their heads and Manly can get a roll on, they could even repeat their 40-0 demolition of the Storm a few years back. Hopefully that won't happen; for one, no one wants a shitty one-sided grand final; and two, no one wants that amount of smug Manly fans wandering around again.

Mister Evil Breakfast’s Tip:
Manly will probably win – but if you have a lobster that you’re dying to spend, throw it on the Warriors by 13+. Everyone’s expecting a bit of razzle-dazzle footy from the Kiwis, but if they can stick to a controlled and mature game, they’ll probably surprise everyone (including themselves) -the Storm are still undergoing eyebrow reconstructive surgery to overcome their surprise from last week.

This is why Australia keeps losing to New Zealand - they aren't focussed.

MEB cumulative score: 123

NRL 2011 Finals Week 3: Fuckwits and Robocop

Robert Lui is a fuckwit, and has joined Todd Carney at the top of my “youse guys are fuckwits” list. For the second time in two years, he has been charged with bashing his girlfriend following a Tigers’ season-ending loss. Last year, he was given nine assault charges from the one incident; that’s quite impressive, especially considering that she was pregnant at the time. But boys will be boys, right? And besides, Lui is a rugby league player who abides by different laws than regular people, and has an official “Get Out Of Jail Free” card. Besides, you don’t know how hard it is to earn a shit-tin of money to do something you love, and he needed to blow off some steam by sinking a gallon of grog and then flogging the shit out of someone less than half his size.

This year, police were called following a domestic disturbance and found a woman with bruising and swelling to her face. Lui flashed his “Get Out Of Jail Free” card again, only to see that it had expired just a month prior, and he was subsequently given the proverbial slap on the wrist. The Tigers footy club did the right thing… for them… by calling all of their sponsors to inform them of what happened and then offered counselling to Lui and his partner. Hopefully Lui’s counsellor turns out to be Chopper Reid, or Batman. That’d be tops.

In other news, Darren Lockyer did the most Australian thing possible last week by breaking his face while playing, staying on the field, kicking the winning goal, saved some orphans from a fire, and therefore went down in folklore as the greatest human to walk God’s green earth since that bloke who cut off his head to escape a rock fall in the Grand Canyon, then walked 600kms to staple it back on again.

Since the game, Lockyer has undergone cyborg surgery to have his face reattached (and a gun holster in his leg; it was an added bonus), and has actually taken medical advice to rule himself out from playing this weekend. I am not sure if it’s for his own safety or the safety of those around him in case his CPU fucks out and he starts killing people. Either way, he’s not playing due to safety, which is the smartest thing that any retiring rugby league player has ever done. Remember when Terry Lamb lost the GF in 1994 (I do. Go you Raiders!) and was meant to retire, but then came back in 1995 to try and get that fairytale finish? Yeah, that didn’t work and was embarrassing for everyone involved.

Finals week trio:
Manly vs Broncos
Storm vs Warriors

Game of the Round
Eh probably the Manly/Broncos shindig. It’ll be interesting to see if Lockyer tries to use his new eye-laser on Daly Cherry-Evans or just uses mind control on Sam Thaiday to beat the living shit out of him.

Upset of the Round
It’ll be an upset if a captainless Broncos team can beat the Manly boys. I’d rather slide a few coins over the Warriors, who I kind of forgot about this week. If Melbourne are as memory-deficient as I am, they might even lose. But probably not.

Raiders:
Still last.

This is not going to end well

MEB cumulative score: 122

Mister Evil Breakfast Wants a Farm and a Wife Who Has A Farm (maybe)

The phenomenon that is Farmer Wants a Wife carries on and continues to grow in popularity, as Australia’s love of blokes with akubras and flannies who don’t mind having flies root on their faces while they try and pick up chicks shows no signs of slowing down.

My last foray into applying for the world of reality television came in the form of a torturous process to get onto Big Brother. Alas, my application did not progress, which is a shame; I could have done with winning $1 million and pashing a few bogans.

The process to get onto Farmer is a bit easier. To apply as one of the hornbag chicks looking to bag a husband, you just have to answer a handful of questions and agree to make out with some bloke who’s been rolling around in pig shit all day. Then you go to the Farmer’s website, click on the farmer you want to go sheep drenching with, and if he thinks, “Oh yeah, wouldn’t mind mucking out her stable,” then you’re in like Old Farmer McGlynn.

To be a bachelor farmer on the show, it’s not much harder. And for a program whereby you basically get a couple of free farmhands in high heels to help you knock up a barbed-wire fence, there really should be a few stricter guidelines. I’ve seen previous seasons of Farmer, and the farmers are traditionally in the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere, in a massive span of dirt that stretches for motherfucking light years. It wouldn’t be hard for a farmer to ‘accidentally’ lose one of the contestants in a shallow grave just “up yonder behind the creek,” if you catch my drift.

So I’ve decided to become both a contestant and a farmer on the next season of the show. I think I’m in with a chance.

FWAW – EXPRESSION OF INTEREST FORM:
This can be filled out by yourself (a farmer), or you can fill it out to nominate a friend of yours who is a single farmer.
Please email the form to: farmer@fremantlemedia.com.au

Application for Farmer Wants a Wife
CONDITIONS:
1.You must attach 2 photographs in total:
•one head/shoulders

•one full body length
2.You must agree to live on a farm for the length of the shoot, approximately 11 days.
I’m not sure if 11 days is enough time to have sex with all of the women I choose before picking which one I’m going to marry.

3.You must be single and genuinely looking for love.

Just don’t tell my girlfriend/s or wife/s.

4.You must be 18 years or over.

I have a tattoo.

5.We will conduct background police checks on applicants chosen to meet the farmers, and you must agree to this as part of your application.

Good luck; I have my DNA replaced every six weeks.

6.Applications must be received online. Applications received by post will not be accepted.

That’s a bit harsh.

7. For more information please apply.

You shouldn’t have to apply just to get further information, honestly.

If you have any problems filling this in, please call us on 02) 9434 0777

If I have problems filling this form in, I don’t think I’d be able to use a phone. And if I have to apply online and not by post, you should have an email address. Apparently you guys don’t believe in the ‘old ways.’ That doesn’t sound very farm friendly.

Name of Farmer:

Mister Evil Breakfast

Age & Date of Birth:

Old enough to kick your ass. And it's always my birthday, so I’m expecting presents and cake every fucking day.

Phone:

Yes, it’s a really old Nokia.

Email:

Obviously, this is being lodged by email. There is no other way to lodge this shit.

Location of the farm:

Just up yonder, behind the creek.

Type of Farm:

Dinosaur farm

Size of Farm:

Big enough that if you were to run around it, you’d come back puffing and panting.

Nearest Town and Airport:

Nearest town is Montreal, and the closest airport is in Guam. Strangely, the farm is in Canberra.

Do you own your own farm?

Define “own” in both of the senses that you have used it in this sentence. Then define “farm.” That should keep you occupied for a while.

Do you live and work full time on the farm?

Yes, except for when I go to work at the office, which is most days.

Accommodation on the farm (how many can stay there):

Depends how fat they are. You could fit two on my couch, easy.

Does the Farmer know he/she has been nominated?

I’m pretty drunk, so I might not remember it tomorrow.

Has the Farmer ever been married? Divorced?

I’m just married to the job. And my wife. And my husband. Oooh controversial.

Is the Farmer looking for love?

Aaaaaw this is a sweet question. I’m actually just looking for my keys, and I reckon one of the girls stole them.

PHOTO OF FARMER (please insert a photo in this box, or attach on to the email when sending this form)

PHOTO/s OF FARM (please insert a photo in this box, or attach on to the email when sending this form)
One of my brontosauruses showing off.

Free-range gallimimus herd

Free-range gallimimus herd meets free-range tyrranosaur

And that is literally all there is to it. Remember the good old days when you would date people with similar interests to you? Not anymore - with the information held in this application form, you can just imagine the number of great discussions you can have with the man/woman of your dreams about the size of your farm and how you are fully aware that you have been nominated. Actually, having seen the show, that's really not that far off the typical conversation.

See you at the reunion!

NRL 2011 Finals Week 2: It's almost cricket season

Where has this week gone? In a drunken haze. Oh yeah. According to a calendar that I nicked from the newsagent (I had to get the fireman one, didn’t I?), a whole week has elapsed. In that time, two teams from the NRL comp have been given the arse (hahah suck shit Newcastle, you losers), with another couple to join them on the great burning scrapheap that is finals footy.

There really hasn’t been much to write about this week; Todd Carney is keeping remarkably quiet as he practices writing an “X” in the “sign here” bit on his Cronulla contract, which always keeps things fairly low-key. The biggest news of the week was when NRL Supreme Ruler Dave Gallop got booed by Melbourne fans when he awarded them the minor premiership. Fucking Melbourne dickheads – they really don’t understand sport at all, do they?

But even that wasn’t enough to stop Australians everywhere (but mostly in Australia) from getting all “Aaaaw yeah!” on themselves as they high-fived each other following Samantha “Yessdad I yam lookin aftr meslf” Stosur’s victory in some tennis match. To be perfectly Francine, it’s about time she fucking won. It’s her job, after all.

Finals week two:
Wests Tigers vs New Zealand Warriors
Brisbane Broncos vs St George-Illawarra Dragons

As much as I like the Warriors, I think they’re going to get rubbed out this week. To make things worse, they’re going to get done by the fucking Tigers. I can’t think of a worse team to fuck you over, honestly. God they shit me, and I don’t even know why. It’s probably mostly to do with that Marshall bloke, he seems like a bit of a dick. And he is basically the only player on the Tigers team, right? Right. (Don’t write to me with the fucking Tigers playing roster either, I just don’t care).

The Dragons have been less than impressive lately, and despite me trying to explain it last week (I convinced myself, so that was something), I’m no longer buying their bullshit and they should lose to the Broncs. Easy as.

Game of the round:
Eh. One of the ones above. There’s only two to choose from. You can pick one.

Upset of the round:
Slide a sneaky lobster on the Warriors. It’s pay week, you can get a bit extravagant.

What are the Raiders doing?
Hopefully washing my car. God knows they owe it to me.

Have you ever seen Jarryd Hayne and the Indian deity Vishnu in the same place at the same time? Of course not, and this is why.

MEB cumulative score: 121

NRL 2011 Finals Week 1: Fucking Carney

I do love it when my most favouritest person in the whole wide world splashes his gormless mug across the country’s newspapers; lucky for me, Todd Carney is a shit magnet. This time, Todd and the Sydney Roosters have parted ways following constant off-field shenanigans and general on-field shittiness. By all reports, the split was 'amiable' and at the very least, it meant that Todd learned a new word this week.

This news has left the rugby league community scratching their collective noodles wondering, “What next for this pillar of society?” There are two main schools of thought (and I never thought I’d use that phrase in relation to Carney) about his future:

• 
  
  One is that you just fuck him off and send him on the first manned expedition into the sun.


• 
  
  The other is that ‘the kid needs help.’

I’m all about firing up the NASA rockets again, personally. For one, Todd Carney is not ‘a kid.’ He is 25 years old. Since the age of fuck-knows, he has no doubt got away with doing little work for huge reward based on his skills as a footy player. I’d be surprised if he can tie his own shoelaces, to be perfectly honest. Whenever he fucked up in the past, someone was there to make sure he was picked up, brushed off, bailed out, paid off, and everything kept all hush-hush because Todd’s just a kid and doesn’t know any better.

Life’s fucked when you’re an adult, hey Todd? Time to stop looking around for someone to throw you a lifeline, tiger, and get yourself sorted out. It’s not up to your club, your mum, the town of Goulburn or your best mate’s cousin Frank to give you a hand. Welcome to the lovely world of Consequence (Todd: if you are getting someone to read this out loud for you, please note that Consequence isn’t the actual name of another world that you have unknowingly travelled to).

The only real disappointment of the week was that when asked about the chances of Carney returning to Canberra, the Raiders said, “Not in 2012; we cannot fit him in under the salary cap” instead of “he can go fuck himself. If he comes anywhere fucking near us, we’ll set him on fire and put him out with a chain.”


Oh, there’s also some finals matches on this weekend:

Wests Tigers vs St George-Illawarra Dragons
Brisbane Broncos vs New Zealand Warriors
Manly Sea Eagles vs North Queensland Cowboys
Melbourne Storm vs Newcastle Knights

While the Dragoons haven’t been in the greatest form of late, I’m putting that little slump down to Wayne “The Great Wayne” Bennett ordering his troops to meander around the field like puppies and not get hurt for the last few weeks. After all, they’d already secured a top eight position so why risk having one of your good players break his leg while tackling Jarryd Hayne?

The Brissy vs Warriors game is almost too close to call. Without Thaiday and Hoffman, the Brisbanes will have to rely on some good ol’ inbred Queensland spirit to get through. Don’t ever underestimate the power of inbred Queenslanders.

Upset of the Round:
I’ll be upset if Newcastle win. They are seriously shit and I’m pretty sure that they’re all hoping that no one double-checks the results book and realises that they’re not meant to be there.

Game of the Round:
Raiders vs… oh. Never mind.

Reasons the Raiders didn't want to win this year #1: Trophies are heavy

MEB cumulative score: 118

Why are you here?

At time of writing, 18 968 people have found their way onto Mister Evil Breakfast. Who are these people? I don’t know all of them, but I can say that a few of those hits were courtesy of Binky, my helper monkey who has been trained to click refresh a few times each day. That, and chain-smoke cigarettes. I like my monkeys to stay classy.

So how did people come across this wonderous piece of shit blog?

Here’s how exactly (I think you can click it to make it bigger if your eyes are hurting, but it didn't work when I just tried. But you might have better luck):

Some interesting points:

1. I'm not the only one wondering about Jade and Sonya from Neighbours being sisters as well as being of completely different races

2. Someone Googled 1800 06555 06 (the Australian Reading/Writing Hotline) number and managed to find my blog, instead of, you know, the Australian Reading/Writing Hotline.

3. At least one reader had the patience to visit what I can only imagine would be a billion sites that come up when searching for "yung girls fuckin yuorfrinds" before somehow landing on mine. I don't know which page he landed upon, but I hope he found what he was looking for. Probably not though.

2011 NRL Round 26: Angry Breakfast Rant

Round 26, where have you been all my life?

The 2011 comp is nearly (not quite) over, and it couldn’t help but go down in a massive blaze of gloriously blazing glory this week, with the Manly vs Adam Blair fight dominating headlines. For unfairly being beaten up by six Manly players, Blair was suspended for five games, thereby ending his season somewhat prematurely. Hehe premature is a funny word.

I’ve almost liked Manly this season – fuck it, I’m going to say it – I HAVE liked them. They haven’t been the usual shitbricks that NRL fans are used to dealing with; they’ve played some expansive football and haven’t been massive cockheads about life. But this week… fucking hell. Glenn “Not Guilty… oh wait… Guilty” Stewart decided to fuck the whole year up by being a massive douchenozzle. He was charged with fighting; an act caught by a thousand cameras as well as about 40,000 witnesses, yet still wanted to plead not guilty to the accusation. Fuck off, dicklord – your brother got away with diddling a 12 year old (or something) but that doesn’t mean your whole family has a Get Out of Jail Free card. Upon advice that he would “lose the case” if he pleaded “not guilty,” Glenn fired his lawyer (“me want to win!”) and hired a new one, who somehow persuaded him to plead “guilty” the next day. My sources say the promise of a stuffed toy monkey and a bag of M&Ms did the trick.

It's a pity that Manly decided to ruin it for everybody, because there are a couple of crackerjack games this weekend.

St George Dragons vs Penrith Panthers
Newcastle Knights vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
New Zealand Warriors vs North Queensland Cowboys
Cronulla Sharks vs Wests Tigers
Gold Coast Titans vs Parramatta Eels
Brisbane Broncos vs Manly Sea Eagles
Sydney Roosters Melbourne Storm

Upset of the Round:
Plonk a Stuey Diver on the Roosters to beat the Storm. F*ck it, you won’t miss $5, but the $200,000,000 you’ll get back might come in handy one day if they do win.

Game of the Round:
Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs vs Fucking Canberra Raiders
All eyes will be on this game, seeing as its outcome will have monumental effects on the rest of the competition.

I’m lying of course, this game means motherfucking dick all; the Bulldogs will need to win by a literal cricket score in order to keep their season alive, while the Raiders are safe from the dreaded wooden spoon for another year, somehow having done just enough to not be coming dead fucking last. With absolutely nothing on the line except stopping the Dogs from racking up an embarrassing scoreline, this game is destined to add another rubbish dimension to a particularly rubbish season from the Mighty Green Machine. Better luck next year, boys.

Games I’m Secretly Excited About:
The battle for the spoon between the Titans and the Eels is freakin awesome. You couldn’t plan for the final round to decide who is officially the shittest. This game promises to be more hypnotically retarded than those two chicks who slap each other with pizza.

Special mention must also go to the Bunnies vs Newcastle stoush, which will decide who carries onto the finals. I really hope the Rabbitohs make it; I still don't understand how Newcastle got to where they are. I mean... they suck. Seriously suck. The Bunnies will be missing Greg Inglis, who has succumbed to a nasty break in his Not-Playing-In-A-Representative-Match-So-Fuck-It, which is a small bone in the foot, although seeing as he has been like my bathroom tap this year (hot and cold - see what I did THERE?), I'm sure they'll manage without him.

The Raiders have been experimenting with anti-gravity boots this season. It obviously hasn't worked

MEB cumulative score: 113