Run out without facing a ball in his final Test

Simon Katich’s international career ended on June 7, 2011 – a day that shall hereby be known as Krab Day, in memory of the way that Simon sideways-walked his way around the batting crease.

Even photographs of Simon Katich are known to grow stubble

Cricket Australia released the twenty-five contracted players for Australia yesterday, effectively closing the book on the international career of Simon Katich. Marcus North was also a name notably (and thankfully) missing from the list. When approached for comment, North slurred, “I’ve got me name on the honours board at Lord’s. Youse can go fuck yourselfs.”

CA announced that they were mindful of establishing an effective top order partnership. “It takes time to get a good opening partnership and we now think the time is right to make sure we've got the right opening partnership come the Ashes [in 2013].”

The need to establish a strong opening partnership is obvious, yet baffling when you consider that CA threw another contract towards Phillip Hughes, who plays at the ball the way my gran swishes her hand at blowflies in the summer. His Test form is shit, his state form is shit, and from all reports, his form in the backyard against his cousin (who’s a girl) is also shit and he has to resort to cheating to score runs.

The ‘strong opening partnership’ that CA are looking for has already been found with Katich and Watson, who normally work well together against the new ball. The problems with Australia’s batting come in the middle order as muppets like Ponting and Clarke succumb to short balls, full balls, wide balls and balls pitched in the general vicinity of the wicket. This then brings an out-of-place Steve Smith to the wicket, whose batting technique looks like it's based on watching a handful of scratchy home-made self-help cricketing videos that he found in his neighbour’s garage when he was huffing paint.

The Australian bowling is even worse, and looks like it’s going to be bolstered by a couple of teenagers. It will be a massive honour for them to be sharing the ball with Mitchell Johnson; regardless of whether they’re copping stick from the batsmen, at least they can hold their heads high and say, “I may be shit, but I’m not Mitchell Johnson shit.” They will be released from their contracts the following year and will thankfully go back to their old lives, giving hand-jobs in the back rows of pornographic theatres.

I’m all for the introduction of youth in the squad, but why combine the inexperience of a James Pattinson with the general awfulness of a Mitch Johnson and the ineffectiveness of a Nathan Hauritz? Who are these young kids going to ask when they have questions on where to pitch the ball for a particular batsman? Do they know where to land it to contain runs?

At the very least, we've got Patrick Cummins, whose name lends itself to a handful (snigger) of dirty jokes. "Cummins makes his mark," "Quick Cummins," "Indians choke on Cummins" and "Clarke sticks with Cummins" are all headlines I'm looking forward to.



The axing of Katich is a nail right through the testicles of Australian cricket – it probably won’t kill it, but it’s going to hurt for a long, long time.

Simon Katich has played a different part in all of our lives – solid opening batsman, contestant on Celebrity MasterChef and the guy voted to have the ‘best five o’clock shadow at 10am.' With a Test average of 45.03, including ten 100s and twenty-five 50s, he will be remembered as a gritty performer for Australian cricket both on and off the field, showing passion that was neither practiced or endorsed by Sanitarium.

While strangling his captain for not joining in the team's victory song following a rare win might not have been in his best interests, I think Kat will look back on that moment as one of his greatest achievements. Australian cricket is weaker for not having more people who have throttled Michael Clarke.