Round 5 – Do we really suck?

They say a week is a long time in rugby league, but they are wrong – it’s really just seven days. It’s the same as a week in kickboxing, or a week in the backstreet underwater tennis tournaments that are creeping up all over Germany.

Round five of the NRL is upon us like a couple of streams of urine cascading down a shopfront window and I’m as excited as a policeman who’s just moved next door to Todd Carney about a couple of games this week. Seriously, does Carney have beer-flavoured nipples? Can’t we just put him on a rocket ship and fire him into the sun or something? While his sudden departure from earth may put a couple of tattoo parlours and nightclubs out of business, it will free up the cocaine trade and halve general fuckwittery around Sydney.

Darren Lockyer is about to tackle himself quite unawares

Cowboys v Titans

Tigers v Rabbitohs

Warriors v Roosters

Sharks v Sea Eagles

Storm v Eels

Dragons v Bulldogs

Broncos v Knights

Panthers v Raiders

Oh hello there, underachieving teams. How are you both going? Shithouse? Quite right. This game will sort out the contenders from the pretenders – not the band, although I’ve often thought that Chrissie Hynde would make a decent five-eighth. Who am I kidding – she’s a girl, so she can’t pass or catch (oooh sexist); just look at Matt Orford (ooooh controversial).

While Morford (or Matt Orful as he has been dubbed by the media) has yet to hit his straps this year… or last year… or possibly any year since 1996, Canberra coach Dave Furner has given him another chance to prove his worth, as he is currently sitting at about $8 in Italian Monopoly money, and he refuses to sell Old Kent Road. Meanwhile, Sam Williams continues to destroy all-comers in the Toyota Cup as he serves his suspension for playing well in first grade in Round One.

If the mighty Green Machine don’t win this week, I am officially getting rid of all of my merchandise, which means I’ll either have to sell/cut off my balls, which I have named Noa and Kenny. And no one wants that.

MEB cumulative score: 12