it's such an honour to be nominated, so winning makes me a fucking wizard

OMG what a week it is for A-list celebrities!!!!!1111

First of all, there’s the Royal Wedding between Prince Harry’s half-brother and that hot chick who looks a bit like a cross between Katie Holmes and the good looking Spice Girl (if there is one). Unfortunately, my invitation to the wedding was lost in the mail, so I won’t be going to that one. But that’s ok, cause I’m fucked if I’d know what to get them for a present anyway – probably a casserole dish. He looks like a casserole kind of guy.

The Royal Wedding can now be enjoyed as a pizza topping

Secondly, we’ve got the Logies. For those not in the know, the Logies celebrate achievements in the field of Australian television entertainment, with way too much pretension and self-importance than they really deserve. I’m not saying it’s the actors fault (I am a little bit), but sometimes you have to admit that being on Home and Away really doesn’t require wearing a $100,000 pair of earrings and talking about a hideous dress that some billionaire designer got a couple of Asian kids to stitch together for you.

In any case, I am a proud Aussie and therefore it is my God-given right to cut some people down to size, even if they’re not being dicks about anything. It’s all part of being a tops Australian; if you’re good looking, you’re probably too good looking looking. If you’re not good looking, you fucking well should be better looking. Aussies are tops at bitching about pretty much everything.

Oh, and Justin Bieber is coming to hand out an award to someone he’s never heard of for an achievement he doesn’t understand. I’m sure it will be a great honour for him to meet Daryl Somers. He might even be taller than him (but probably not). By the way, Biebs only has one more album than I do at the moment. I am expecting a call up to the Logies next year.

This is what Australia is fighting for - an alien holding a box of TV Week magazines.

I’m only going to look at the big award for the Logies this year – the GOLD LOGIE, which is so grand that I will write it in uppercase all the time. The GOLD LOGIE is given to Australia’s favourite television douchenozzle, regardless of how talented or not they may be. Actors face off against hosts who fight amongst personalities who are competing against oldies who are about to be fired from their particular program. Let’s look at the nominees for the GOLD LOGIE this year:

Adam Hills
Hillsy is a pretty funny bloke actually, which always helps in terms of popularity. Also, he only has one foot… so that might work in his favour, depending on how he plays it. Or if he even plays it at all. He's a smooth operator.

Hillsy appears on two shows, one of which I haven’t actually seen; I’m pretty sure I watch documentaries about rhinos when it's on. His other show is pretty good, but is running out of steam. If Hillsy doesn’t win it this year, he won’t get it til he’s about 70 and still hosting Spicks and Specks from his loungeroom.

Asher Keddie
Asher really isn’t a name, so she shouldn’t be allowed to win in case she inadvertently inspires some bogans to reproduce and give out fake names to their children.

Asher probably won’t win, because no one has ever watched her tv show, Offspring, for the two seasons it has been running. I’ve seen some promos for it, and it reminds me of Secret Life of Us just as it went really shithouse and they tried to make Stephen Curry the main character.

Chrissie Swan
Swannie’s inclusion in the list was met with some raised eyebrows (except from Bert Newton who hasn’t been able to raise his eyebrows since 1983) seeing as she’s on a day-time chat show that no one watches because, you know, they have jobs to go to or documentaries on rhinos to watch (and no, that’s not a fat joke about Chrissie Swans… or is it?). She won’t win, but at least people know she exists now. Expect her to get a Guernsey hosting the Biggest Loser once Hayley Lewis goes in for personality surgery.

Jessica Marais
I first misheard this chick’s name as Jessica Mauboy, which wouldn’t have surprised me – Mauboy will turn up to the opening of an envelope and bore everyone shitless with her shit song with Snoop Dogg. But then I heard her name properly and realised that I had no idea who she is (apparently she's on Packed to the Rafters). I’ve never watched it - I don’t know when it’s on or even what channel – even though it is Australia’s most popular program and had people pissing in their Kleenex-filled pants when a character on the show died. If it was Jessica Marais’ character who died, it would be nice for her family if she won. Except her family aren’t real and she didn’t actually die.

Fuck it, I’d rather Jessica Mauboy wins instead of Jessica Marais. At least I know who she is.

Rebecca Gibney
Gibbo is probably front-runner to win the GOLD LOGIE this year – she’s been around for a long time and isn’t terrible to look at for a middle-aged duck. She’s another one from the Packed to the Rafters crew – I am just going out on a limb and saying that her character is probably not entirely dissimilar to Rebecca Gibney, much like most of Rebecca Gibney’s other roles. It would be better if her character killed people and hid them in wheelie bins. Actually, if I made that show, it would reach such great heights of success that they would rename the Logies the WHEELIE BINS FILLED WITH DEAD PEOPLE AWARDS. If anyone else makes it I’ll be really angry and will probably cry (so don't do it).

I’d prefer if Gibbo didn’t win the GOLD LOGIE this year, as I still haven’t forgiven her for appearing in those shitty Wii ads.

Karl Stefanovic
Everyone loves Karl Stefanovic, even if you say you don’t. In fact, the more you say you don’t like him, the more you actually do. Karl’s greatest achievement is turning up to host the Today show after a massive night on the piss and falling asleep while staring at his co-host’s tits. It was a great moment for Australian television. Karl has since reinvented himself as a professional journalist, and has perfected his ‘serious’ voice for stories involving tragedy, death and new exercise equipment.

In a piece of trivia, I thought his name was Kyle when I first saw him on telly.

WHO WILL WIN?
Gibbo

WHO WILL CARE?
No one

WHO DO I WANT TO WIN?
Kyle