What a Lote rubbish

Lote Tuqiri was sensationally sacked by the ARU this week. No reasons have been given, but since he used to play rugby league, we can assume with some degree of confidence that he got a bit pissy and may have involved himself in some sort of sexual altercation. Apparently Tuqiri (who really should have another U in his name somewhere) was the highest-earning player in the Wallabies with a salary of over $1 million per year. Imagine how much money he would have earned if he was any good? It boggles the mind.

So this means that there's a spot opening up for some lucky punter to sit out on the wing and chat up the front row of the crowd. I could handle that. I’m quite witty.

Dear Wallabies Coach-man,

My name is Mister Evil Breakfast, and I would like to apply for the position of "winger" as advertised on seek.com.au following the recent departure of your last crack-fuelled show-pony princess with stupid hair.

I have attached my resume to this application for your interest. I am hoping that your interests include drawings of ninjas fighting dinosaurs, as that forms the basis of my CV at present. While it may appear that I do not have a lot (or any) experience in playing "rugby", I have been playing team sports for eighteen years, and have been described on more than one occasion as "quite slippery." I do not like rugby union, nor do I have much idea about how to play it, and thus I feel I would be a suitable replacement for Lote Tuqiri. I have never been involved in an official rugby match, but during high school, I once tackled a guy who was way bigger than me during lunchtime footy and I broke his collarbone. This is at least one tackle more than Lote Tuqiri has ever made in his life, which I feel puts me in good stead for this position. I also rang that guy up that night to see how he was, which (a) makes me a good ambassador for the game, and (b) so I could rub in that I hurt him. He was off school for a few days, such was the ferocity of my tackle.

My physical fitness is good, although I do have dodgy knees and a bad back, but this should not be a concern in considering my application, as from my experience in watching the “game they play in heaven”, I have noticed that there isn’t a whole lot of running involved. I am quite good at standing around while a couple of fat guys lie on each other, waddle forward and lie on each other some more. It’s not entirely about the fat guys lying around though; I can also stand around while some guy lines up a penalty kick, or stand around while a scrum forms seventeen times. Standing around is not only a hobby, it’s a passion of mine and something that I feel could form a part of my career.

In terms of my rugby skills, I cannot kick the ball tremendously well, I fumble simple catches and cannot pass to my right-hand side. Even though my talent would put me in the top echelon of the current Wallabies side, I would not expect to be handed the captaincy straight away. I’m sure whoever is leading the team now is doing a bang-up job when it comes to calling the toss. For the record, I always call tails – it never fails.

My current work contract is almost up so I am available to start immediately. I would be more than interested in negotiating a salary with you – Tuqiri’s contract was apparently worth $1 million and I would be more than willing to accept an offer between $40,000 and $1,000,000. If you do opt for the cheapest option, this would give the ARU plenty of money to buy more head tape, or a rule book or even to pay someone to find a use for the scrum-half.

I would also appreciate a parking space wherever it is that we train or play; my current work has just put their parking fees up and I reckon I’m going to struggle to get through the week and still have enough money for noodles and beer. Although with my blossoming rugby career, I should probably start looking after myself a bit better and cut out noodles; they're apparently made entirely out of MSG anyway. According to popular science, there is a steak in every stubbie, and I would like to have more steak, and wash it down with a beer.

I have read on the Wallabies' stats page that Lote Tuqiri weighed over 100 kilograms. By my reckoning, that means that I am over 30 kilos faster than he was. I would also require a smaller sized jersey (you can't go wrong with a medium, honestly) and wouldn't take up as much space on the team bus or plane. If you're sitting next to me, you can have the arm-rest, I don't mind at all. I'm a team player and will do anything for the coaching staff and my team-mates. Except for Matt Giteau, he seems like a cock.

If there’s anything else that you would like me to extrapolate on (including the meaning of the word “extrapolate”), please feel free to contact me. But don’t call too early, I’m usually a bit dusty in the morning, and don’t even think about getting any sense out of me before 11am on the weekend.

I look forward to dominating a professional sport that I don’t really care about very soon.

Sincerely,

Mister Evil Breakfast

I wouldn't have 30kgs of arms to carry around the field with me