fooseball

Happy Friday, sportsfans. Because I'm being a bit lazy, the ever-lovely April O'Neil is filling in for this week's footy tips. Take it away, tiger...

April:

Apparently my last lot of so called ‘celebrity’ tips were nothing to write home about. Or as Todd put it ‘they sucked’. Thanks Todd.

I thought my first step might be to actually watch a game – novel concept I know. It just so happened that we managed to score a littl’ ol’ game here in WA, so I trundled on down to watch the Rabbitohs and the Storm to take some notes. Apparently WA is the ‘adopted home’ of the Rabbitohs, which would normally be a good enough reason to support them. However any team, anywhere, dressed like a Christmas tree can forget getting any merch money from me. Who actually came up with those colours? And stripes? Don’t NRL clubs employ people with fancy titles like ‘marketing officers’ to run a whole series of concept designs on mahoosive pieces of card past a panel for a majority vote? Surely a whole panel of people couldn’t be responsible for such a fashion faux pas. Unless it was a panel made up of people with fashion tastes like my dad. Then anything goes.

Mister Evil Breakfast:

Sorry April, I'm going to have to interrupt. Because you are (a) a girl and (b) from a non-rugby-league-loving part of Straya, you think that uniforms are important, and because you're an AFL-kind-of-person, you have invented positions within the club such as "marketing officers" to recreate the fucking jersey every sixteen seconds so some punter who supports the team has to shell out another trillion dollars for a fucking sleeveless jumpie that they'll get to wear once before it becomes outdated. Souths have it all settled: they got some colourblind champion to design their uniform back in 1735 and have not looked back since. That's the way it should be.

April:
I found my seat (after a visit to the bar) which was behind the try line (see I even picked up some lingo) where the Rabbitohs were doing their warm-up. Actually, it looked more like they were preparing for a massivo group sex session (which I’ve heard is not uncommon in NRL). First they started with a little ‘ball’ tossing, followed by what appeared to be karma sutra stretches before some grappling and rolling around on the ground with each other, intertwined tighter than your nanna’s crocheting wool. I kid you knot (pun intended). I mean honestly (who throws a shoe), it’s no wonder NRL has a bad reputation.

Now a couple of the rules got me. I played a bit of touch rugby in my day, so I can get the general gist of having to throw the ball backwards and aiming for the try line. But when one team kicked the ball out of play and then got it back I was a bit perplexed. Are the umpires feeling sorry that they can’t keep the ball in play and therefore give it back to them? ‘It’s ok tiger, we know you were trying hard. Why don’t you have another go, see if you can’t keep it within the field of play this time?' 'Cheers mate, we'll give that a burl'.

MEB:

Can you explain to me then why someone who doesn't quite catch the ball in AFL still gets credited with a mark? If he truly "had control" of the ball, he would have held onto it. Still, fans of a game that gives away a point for "close enough" will probably never be able to fully appreciate the ballet that is rugby league.

April:
So now that I’m full bottle (yes it only took one 90 minute game), I’m going to give this tipping caper another shot.

Bulldogs and Cowboys.
Bulldogs are in second spot, and my favourite and playing number happens to be 2. Which would be ok if I ever decided to take up rugby, as the right wing threequarter (what exactly does he do with the other quarter?) because I’m not bad on the right side of the field. Plus if ‘wing’ actually refers to being near the sideline if you get bored you can always chat to the bench or the spectators. Anyway, Bulldogs for me.

Wests Tigers V Dragons
I actually bought a really cool glass dragon when I was in Canberra, found him the other day when I was unpacking boxes. I don’t have any tigers, or wests for that matter. If that wasn’t enough reason to tip the Dragons, sitting on top of the ladder probably works in your favour.

Titans v Warriors
IT’S THE CLASH OF THE TITANS... and the Warriors. Denzel Washington coaches the Titans, overcomes adversity and rock throwing racists to deliver a feel good movie about footy. Apparently there is also movie titled The Warriors, but I haven’t seen it, and therefore it’s got nothing. Titans

Roosters V Sharks
My goodness, they are so far down the ladder they're almost not on it. Raiders are obviously there for sympathy; keep them company before their mahoosively late run at the top 8. Have there been any coach sackings yet? Any talk that the Roosters are throwing matches to get better draft picks (do they even have draft picks in NRL?). I don't know and I’m guessing nobody really cares. I'm picking the Refs and if they don't win then it'll probably be the Sharks, who’ll want to lose less.

Raiders V Storm
So last time I did the unthinkable and tipped against the Raiders... so they won. I did take part of the credit for their win and using women’s logic (if I tip them and loose I’ll be more pissed than if I don’t tip them and they win) I’m potentially going to upset all the MEB readers and tip against them again. I’ll understand if I don’t get invited back.... Storm, just, and that’s as quietly as I can say it.

Eels v Broncos
I think the whole of Queensland could be having a mahoosive party for the next 4 days having won the Origin Series. That'll be enough energy for them to go out and smash the Eels this week, unless of course they are drug and alcohol tested before they play, in which case the Eels might stand a chance with no opposition. But I'm betting that won't happen (the drug and alcohol testing that is), so Broncos.

Knights v Rabbitohs
So after their karma sutra group sex warm-up, the Rabbitohs were all over the Storm – and they weren’t playing badly either. But they peaked early (typical) and the Storm were able to last the distance and win the game. Rather than focusing on who’s on top (no, What’s on top, Who’s on second) Rabbitohs should have been focusing on the Stormers’ wingers who pretty much had a country mile (and half a pitch) to score tries. I haven’t seen the Knights play, I hope they don’t try to dry hump the pitch before they play. Knights.

Why are there only 7 games? Are the Sea Eagles and Panthers having a week off for good behaviour? Or did they just not feel like playing this week?
Oh, and yes boys and girls, I know it's only an 80 minute game. It was a poor attempt at humour... full bottle... 90 minutes... never mind. Sigh!

MEB:

Because it's a split round due to State of Origin. No team in the history of the NRL has ever been rewarded for "good behaviour." There was a moment in 2002 when a team was "not as bad as the others" but that's about as close as we came.

Thanks for the tips, April!

Everything about this photo is just awkward

MEB:

I have not paid any attention to anything regarding AFL, not even on Sports Tonight. It's like it doesn't exist, although I am assured that they are still playing it. Maybe I need to knock out some teeth or something so I'll be more attuned to the AFL supporter.


Bombers vs Blues
These two traditional rivals (possibly) face up for what is going to be (possibly) the greatest game of AFL ever. I can't put a struck match between them. This will be a draw.



Magpies vs Dockers
The mighty Maggies up against the rather confusing Dockers. Both of these teams have the ability to catch a ball and kick it between some posts. Who could possibly pick a winner out of these two combatants? Not me. Draw.



Crows vs Swans

I've been salivating in anticipation of this game coming up. I have spent hours poring over statistics and game plans to try and figure out who might have the upper hand. After weighing up the pros and cons of each team, I have concluded that this week, they will fight out a draw.

Lions vs Demons
This is a tricky one - the Lions have that guy who kicks the ball, but the Demons will be looking for that guy who catches the ball to leave his mark on the game as well. The refs will be blowing their whistles and the crowd will be eating pies. I will be tipping a draw.


Eagles vs Hawks
Have you figured out what I'm doing yet? Yeah, I'm picking draws. This tip is no different. The feathers will fly in what can only be described as the most remarkable tied-score game of the round.


Cats vs Power
Wait. Cat Power - remember her? She was pretty good, but I'd be very wary if you were head to her concert. The Cats will look to have this one in the bag, but just watch out for a massive comeback in the bottom of the ninth from the Powers to lock up the scores. Someone will have a crack from about 70 metres out to win it on the siren, but he'll miss.


Kangaroos vs Bulldogs

This is a long round. I'm pretty sure this will be a draw. No, wait. Kangaroos. No... It will be a draw. Yep.

Saints vs Tigers

Sagittarius: Your AFL game this weekend will result in a tie, and many people will wonder why either of you bothered turning up to the game at all.

I figure "Sagittarius" is close to "Saints" (it helps if you can't read) and was the first star-sign that I thought of. Strangely, it's not even my star-sign. Well that's just weird.





Tune in again next week where I attempt to give a shit. Until then, just remember that Tipping is not just a city in China.