everybody needs good ones

Yeah sorry - Kylie was never hot until she dipped herself in a vat of plastic and remodelled her entire body. And even then...

Ramsay Street has been in fucking liquorice lately, my friends. Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song, and I'll try not to sing out of key now. I haven't been watching it as regularly as I could have been, there's been some drinking and ninja assassinations getting in my way. You know how it is. But here's what I do know...

Rachel: Accepted a position at a flash uni in London and moved there the same day. I find it strange that she's already at uni despite the fact that all of her classmates are still getting through high school. But it was an emotional farewell, and everything she'll ever need was taken as on-board luggage in a backpack. Nicely done. I love a girl who travels light.

Ty: Moped around for a week or so because Rachel was gone, then booked tickets and flew to London... on the same day. I guess bartending at Charlie's pays more than I thought. All of the kids of Ramsay are disappointed and terrified that he's gone... who will teach them how to play the recorder now?

Zeke: Was found after his kayaking incident, had amnesia and was living with someone who pretended to be his dad. Karl and Susan rescued him (of course) and took him home. He became even more emo and had a fight with Ringo, with whom he was sharing a bedroom. I don't know what's going on with the two of them now; Zeke is too busy being the DJ on a pirate radio station and spilling the beans on everyone's lives in Erinsborough. I think the writers have been watching Pump Up The Volume a bit too closely. Zeke is definitely a poor man's Christian Slater. So very, very poor. I miss Christian Slater.

Karl: I haven't seen him for a while; I'm assuming he's still single-handedly curing cancer and fighting crime in his spare time. I think it's time Karl had a tragedy in his life. Shouldn't take long, I reckon.

Susan: ...is she even still around? I haven't seen her lately. But then again, I haven't really been looking. No doubt she's being the 'rock' to everyone in the street as they go from tale-of-woe to tale-of-woe. Good ol' Susan. I'd probably have a coffee with Susan, actually. As long as she pays, of course.

Donna: Still hot, but looks won't help anyone when you're having trouble with your mum. Mrs Donna has apparently ruined Donna's acting career by teaching her the 'wrong way' to act in her audition for the school play. Then Mrs Donna electrocuted Declan by letting a cat go outside. Donna is now trying to divorce her mum, which is a smart move for a 16-year old girl to make when she has no other family or income.

Declan: Was electrocuted (see "Donna") whilst chasing a cat that went underneath a house. In keeping with the laws of the Erinsborough universe, if you do anything slightly outside the norm (which is limited to going to school, going to Charlie's for coffee, going to Harold's for a sandwich, going next door to annoy people), you will get hurt. I expect he'll make a full recovery though, as he lies in hospital for a week, surrounded by machines that go 'ping.' A little while ago he lost his AFL contract by being late to training because he was looking after his preggers girlfriend (see "Bridget," below). He doesn't seem too upset at having his lifelong dream quashed, but since an AFL career has only been his lifelong dream since the beginning of the year, I think he's over it. What will our Declan turn his hand to next? I can't wait to find out. I can, actually.

Bridget: Still pregnant and is now yelling at people for "letting Declan get electrocuted." Hormones, man. They're making her crazy. Didge used to be cool. Now she's fairly annoying. I'm not entirely sure what her life consists of now that she was kicked out of school for being pregnant - what does she do all day? Sit on the couch with a pack of Tim Tams in her PJ's? That would be sweet. I can't wait to get preggers.

Ringo: I've missed an awful lot of episodes lately, but I think he had something to do with the Erinsborough AFL superstar (to encourage stereotypes, being a professional athlete automatically turns you into a criminal) and got into some trouble. Ringers had to take the fall for the superstar crashing his car into a lightpole or something. He may have grassed on him and they both had their contracts ripped up. I think they both learnt a valuable lesson about honesty that day, and I think Ringo may have put on his 'whiny little girl' face for a few seconds. Personally, I would have been really dakked off and punched someone, or kicked a pole or headbutted my car or something.

Libby: No idea, I think she was going to quit being a teacher or something so she can look after her ugly child. I can't remember, I'm usually drunk by 6:30. Not drunk enough to make Libby hot though.

Dan: Dan's application to become headmaster of Erinsborough High was accepted... on the proviso that the school's play kicks arse. Worst storyline ever, bar none. Bar NONE. Forget academic prowess, it's all about putting on a good production of Armadeus or whatever they're doing. Of course, the entire school curriculum has been thrown out the window so everyone and their goat (my goat is called Libby) can concentrate on making a toga and "acting." I can see a successful show being made, but with some hiccups along the way.

Toadie: His dog died, and that took about four episodes to cover. I barely even knew he had a dog, but the whole street turned out to say their goodbyes. Fuck, I don't remember any human characters having this much grief poured over them when they died. I think he also single-handedly took down Erinsborough's Underbelly character who was released from prison after serving 20 minutes for attempted murder, kidnapping, extortion and sexual assuault. Apparently he's also writing the script for the school play. For the only lawyer in the most troubled place in the world, he sure does have a lot of free time.

Elle: Has shacked up with Lucas and kicked her dad out of her house. As you do. Elle's life now revolves around picking up "hot scoops" for the Erinsborough News by hanging around the coffee shop and listening to gossip. She's pissing me off a lot lately. Not that she was ever really that cool anyway.

Lucas: Lucas, you used to be cool. Used to be cool. That's all I'm saying.

Steve: Isn't doing much, I don't think. At least, nothing that's really interested me.

Miranda: See "Steve."

Steph: Steph may have died, I haven't seen her for a while. Not that anyone in Ramsay Street would care; I mean, she's not a family pet or anything. If she is still alive, she's probably organising some sort of charity gig, running a bar and looking really old. Like, really old. Older than Susan. Gross. She also has to find a new housemate and bartender, since Ty has fucked off to England at the drop of a hat. Still, it shouldn't be too hard finding someone who can pour an orange juice. Seriously, does anyone in Erinsborough drink anything that isn't derived from citrus? It's not even fucking freshly squeezed. I wouldn't pay for bottled juice in a bar, I'm sorry. But then, I wouldn't pay for juice in a bar anyway. What a wasted drinking opportunity.

Declan's mum: I can't remember Dec's mum's name. I think it's fairly common though. Anyway, Mrs Dec Is having "those" kinds of thoughts about Paul. But then, haven't we all had them at some stage? The amount of coffee that Mrs Dec goes through is quite astounding; she is only ever seen at Charlie's with a cuppa, or at Harold's with a mug, and then at home sipping at something. She might develop heart problems soon, or at the very least have some sort of intervention when she realises that her coffee addiction is costing her over $4,000 a day.

Paul: After resucitating Declan, seems to have lost his personality and is now what's normally known as "a nice guy." I preferred it when Paul went out whoring and picked up sluts even though he's only got one leg. It gave me hope. You know, in case I ever lost my leg. Paul is currently in danger of developing "Neighbours fever" which attacks characters with a personality and sucks them of life until they are faceless, meaningless blobs on a screen that look and act like every other bastard on the show. Don't do it, Paulie. We love you because you're different.

Token asian girl: I have no idea when she popped into the Ramsay St universe, but apparently she's a Korean exchange student. Of course she is. No-one at Erinsborough High has ever thought about studying anything to do with Korea, so it's a bit of a mystery as to why she'd be sent there to start with. Who is she exchanging with? I think she's living at Karl and Susan's place; she was sitting at their house using their internet to listen to the radio instead of, you know, listening to a radio, and no-one seemed to mind this Asian stranger. Does that mean that one of the Kennedy-Kinski-Kennedy kids has been/will be exchanged? I don't know, and it's hurting my head. Tokie was also given the lead role in the high school play, even though I'm assuming she's in Australia, you know, to learn English, and not to become the major player in a Greek drama that will jeopardise someone's career. But she pulled out of the play and gave the role to Donna who now gets to snog Zeke and Tokie is all upset about is because she like totally like loves him. Like totally.


I haven't really missed that much at all, have I? Fuck I'm awesome. But not as awesome as Neighbours.