Mister Evil Breakfast’s TightAss Tips

Live music is great, but tickets to popular concerts are very expensive. For a cheaper way to experience a ‘gig’, just listen to buskers, and request your favourite songs. Avoid the crowd (and obligatory money donation) by leaving before the final encore.

If you work in an office building, you can save a lot of money on buying lunch by going from floor to floor looking for free morning tea, cake and conference sandwiches. If you get caught, calmly explain that you’re in the office as a consultant. If you can’t find any food, simply take a bag from one of the office fridges. When you see someone looking through the office asking, “Has anyone seen my lunch?” just say, “Man, same thing happened to me last week,” as you stuff the remaining crust into your mouth.

Electricity is very expensive, so if you’re not looking at anything interesting, turn off the lights in your house.

Modern art looks fantastic and attracts the chicks, but you don’t want to get caught paying too much for it. Put an out-of-focus photograph in a frame and hang it upside down and wait for the compliments to start rolling in.

Don’t buy expensive beach toys and rubber rings for your pool – use the tyres off your car and sit back for a relaxing afternoon in the sun. If you don’t have a pool, you can just sit in your lounge room with a bucket of water for that tropical effect.

Collagen implants are the new hot thing to have, but surgery is very expensive. For a cheaper way to get Angelina’s luscious lips, stuff cotton wool between your upper and lower lips and your gums. Soon, you too could be having Brad Pitt’s baby!

Losing weight can be expensive AND time consuming. Do it the easy way – make new friends and tell them that you used to be twice your size.

Save yourself a dollar each time you stop at the traffic lights and the man with the squeegee tries to wash your windscreen – simply get out and do it yourself.

Buying new CDs can be very expensive. If you hear a song that you like, just remember it as best you can and sing it to yourself as often as you like.

Keeping up with the trends is a very hard and pricey exercise. Wrap yourself in alfoil and tell everyone that this is what people in the future will wear anyway.

Everyone remembers the first house they bought – so find a house that you like, put a “Sold” sign on the front lawn and have your photo taken next to it. This memory will warm you for years to come.

Having a child is one of the most rewarding experiences of life. Unfortunately, it’s also very expensive, so don’t have them.

To impress a girl on a first date, take her to a very expensive restaurant. Order wine, fancy entrees and a big main course. As you’re about to finish your mains, pretend to choke and pass out. The restaurant will call for an ambulance, so you won’t have to pay for your meal, and you get a free ride to the hospital. To make the most of this, try and live near a hospital.

You can cheaply simulate a night out drinking by spinning around a lot and throwing up on yourself.

Save money on buying deodorants by only spraying one side of your body, and make sure that you only stand on that side of people.

Smoke detectors are very important, but the batteries constantly need replacing, which can be a very expensive exercise. Easy solution: Don't replace them, but check your house every 5 minutes for signs of a fire.