Mister Evil Breakfast’s TightAss Tips

Live music is great, but tickets to popular concerts are very expensive. For a cheaper way to experience a ‘gig’, just listen to buskers, and request your favourite songs. Avoid the crowd (and obligatory money donation) by leaving before the final encore.

If you work in an office building, you can save a lot of money on buying lunch by going from floor to floor looking for free morning tea, cake and conference sandwiches. If you get caught, calmly explain that you’re in the office as a consultant. If you can’t find any food, simply take a bag from one of the office fridges. When you see someone looking through the office asking, “Has anyone seen my lunch?” just say, “Man, same thing happened to me last week,” as you stuff the remaining crust into your mouth.

Electricity is very expensive, so if you’re not looking at anything interesting, turn off the lights in your house.

Modern art looks fantastic and attracts the chicks, but you don’t want to get caught paying too much for it. Put an out-of-focus photograph in a frame and hang it upside down and wait for the compliments to start rolling in.

Don’t buy expensive beach toys and rubber rings for your pool – use the tyres off your car and sit back for a relaxing afternoon in the sun. If you don’t have a pool, you can just sit in your lounge room with a bucket of water for that tropical effect.

Collagen implants are the new hot thing to have, but surgery is very expensive. For a cheaper way to get Angelina’s luscious lips, stuff cotton wool between your upper and lower lips and your gums. Soon, you too could be having Brad Pitt’s baby!

Losing weight can be expensive AND time consuming. Do it the easy way – make new friends and tell them that you used to be twice your size.

Save yourself a dollar each time you stop at the traffic lights and the man with the squeegee tries to wash your windscreen – simply get out and do it yourself.

Buying new CDs can be very expensive. If you hear a song that you like, just remember it as best you can and sing it to yourself as often as you like.

Keeping up with the trends is a very hard and pricey exercise. Wrap yourself in alfoil and tell everyone that this is what people in the future will wear anyway.

Everyone remembers the first house they bought – so find a house that you like, put a “Sold” sign on the front lawn and have your photo taken next to it. This memory will warm you for years to come.

Having a child is one of the most rewarding experiences of life. Unfortunately, it’s also very expensive, so don’t have them.

To impress a girl on a first date, take her to a very expensive restaurant. Order wine, fancy entrees and a big main course. As you’re about to finish your mains, pretend to choke and pass out. The restaurant will call for an ambulance, so you won’t have to pay for your meal, and you get a free ride to the hospital. To make the most of this, try and live near a hospital.

You can cheaply simulate a night out drinking by spinning around a lot and throwing up on yourself.

Save money on buying deodorants by only spraying one side of your body, and make sure that you only stand on that side of people.

Smoke detectors are very important, but the batteries constantly need replacing, which can be a very expensive exercise. Easy solution: Don't replace them, but check your house every 5 minutes for signs of a fire.

buzz

It was a dark night, as nights are want to do, and rain fell steadily from the sky, in keeping with the laws of physics. The lights were on in the old Flaherty house, because otherwise people would not have been able to see, as it was a typically dark night, as previously mentioned. The falling rain made the road slippery, as water traditionally creates less friction between objects, and the wind blew in, which is what wind does best, otherwise it would just be a puff of air not moving, and would not even be worth mentioning.
“This could be a long night,” muttered Freddy, who had just calculated that sunrise wouldn’t be until 7:02 the following morning, which is a good half hour past the sunrise time that had occurred that day. He opened the door to his car, as the window was shut and this was the easiest way both in and out of his vehicle, put his key into the ignition and turned it clockwise, to start the engine. The engine purred like a large mechanical device under the bonnet of an automobile. He put the car into gear, so that he was able to accelerate and not rely on the gradient of the road to change speeds, and would allow him to get to his destination at a far greater speed.
“Goodbye, Overexplanationville,” Freddy said as the tyres on his car revolved in direct correlation with the pressure he placed on the accelerator pedal which controlled the engine.

ice age

If I were a squirrel, I don’t think I’d survive long, as I would laugh every time some other squirrel said, “We need to collect nuts for the winter,” and I’d just grab my crotch and say, “Your place or mine?” I am also not good at climbing trees.

spanner

Sgt Johnson looked around the battlefield. Everywhere, his men lay slowly dying. The only movement was the occasional twitch of a limb as the last nerves gave one final kick.
"This is the worst case of bullet poisoning I've ever seen," said Sgt Johnson, as he took a bite of a parrot, whose properties he believed staved off the symptoms of bullet poisoning.

The Big Breakfast

Australia is a wide brown land which may or may not be girt by sea. We have the worst reality tv, the best beer and the most average footy teams in the world.

Way back when, colonial settlers decided that Australia needed some kind of drawcard (they obviously hadn't been to the Tuggeranong Hyperdome) to get tourists and abalone farmers to come to the great country. So they had an all night thinking session (aided by copious amounts of beer - see above paragraph) and came up with an idea to build useless tourist attractions that had no other qualities other than being big.

The Big Merino












The Big Banana








Canberra is lacking in the BIG things department. Wait, that sounds rude. Let me try again… Australia is well-renowned for its BIG things. That still sounds rude. Ah fuck it. Anyway, Australia has a lot of BIG erections. There, that’s not rude at all. They bring in billions of tourism dollars and are a general treat to look at and admire. The best thing about the BIG things is that they can be admired from a long way away. I’m admiring the Big Surfboard in Perth from here. (note: Perth is quite a long way away. See pic)

Sure, Canberra has the Big Flag at Parliament House, and the Big Manky Lake in the middle of the city, and (if you've had a few and are on top of Mt Ainslie) the big R2D2 (War Memorial) and the big chessboard (all of Canberra), but these aren't quite recognisable enough for my liking. And frankly, it's my liking that's important around here. Crestfallen, I was planning on moving to Melbourne to be nearer the Big Pile of Toilets when I stumbled across this sign:

To those with little to no attention to detail, this may seem like a normal "Watch out for kangaroos" sign, which are quite common in thriving metropoli such as Canberra and Goondiwindi. But look closer.

Skis.

Stocks.

A kangaroo.

This sign is quite obviously announcing the site where Canberra's greatest tourist attraction will be located - THE BIG SKIING KANGAROO. Imagine walking through the city and seeing a group of tryhard goths carrying Big Skiing Kangaroo toys, gangs of teenagers in Belco who have discarded their shiny Fubu tracksuits for Big Skiing Kangaroo t-shirts and grannies looking fondly at the Big Skiing Kangaroo snowglobe that sits all pretty-like on their mantle. I can see swarms of tourists flocking to Canberra not just for the largest tulip display in the southern hemisphere, not just to see the guy who won ‘My Restaurant Rules’ a few years back, and not even just to see Parliament in session, people will be fighting to get the best glimpse of… the Big Skiing Kangaroo.

The Big Skiing Kangaroo. I have seen the future, and the future looks sweet.

I can't wait. I'll be able to tell people that I'm from Canberra, and instead of them saying, "Is that near Sydney? I'm a fucking moron," they'd say, "Wow, have you ever been to the Big Skiing Kangaroo? I want to go there, but my sister has already seen it and wants to go to Disneyland." And then I'd say, "Disneyland? You ARE a fucking moron." And I could cause some violence between siblings, and I like that.

And thus ends August, thus ends Mister Evil Breakfast's Canberra Appreciation Month. And yep, this one is late, but I couldn't post on Friday, so here it is today. Stay tuned for more shit in September. If I could be arsed.