NRL 2015 - The End Is Nigh-ish

It’s the final round of NRL 2015 wooooo except for the finals series woooo.

We could even be in for an interesting weekend of footy (also: we might not be), as the shitty teams have actually decided to turn up and play well over the last few rounds.  Sure, it’s about twenty-four weeks too late, but that’s just something for them to work on for the 2016 season. 

“This year boys, let’s not slack off after round two.  We need to dig deep, give 110%, get some go-forward, stick to the game plan and go for the full eighty minutes.  Until at least round six, then it’s easy street.”

Brisbane Broncos vs Melbourne Storm

After a few shit weeks, Melbourne hit back against the Cowboys and took a scrappy, yet much-needed win from their game.  The Broncos demolished Souths without even raising a sweat, and are probably the form team in the comp at the moment.  I can’t see the Vics taking this one, and I’ve looked at it sideways and upside-down and now I'm a bit dizzy.  

Sydney Roosters vs South Sydney Rabbitohnos

With Inglis under a perpetual injury cloud, Issaac Luke being perpetually suspended and stupid, and the Burgess brothers being perpetually clumsy, another cricket score is on the cards against the Bunnies.  Last year’s premiers are looking very shaky and probably won’t win another game this year.  The Roosters proved that there's life beyond JWH and Pearce (but we all knew they wouldn't miss Pearce) after giving Manly what-for last week.    

Penrith Panthers vs Newcastle Knights

The Panthers have had no fucking luck at all this year with injuries, and after troubling the finals series last year, find themselves battling it out for the wooden spoon this time around.  With Soward the latest injury scare following a desmolishment against Canberra, and the Knights putting together two decent games in a row, I’m tipping Oldcastle to scrape home in what could be the fucking game of the year.  Forget the glory of coming first, the dubious honour of coming last will spur this game to heights that haven’t been seen since… well probably about this time last year.  At least the losers of this match will take home the wooden spoon accolade, and rest easy knowing that they were the best losers that the league has ever seen.  

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Wests Tigers

Seriously, Dragons?  You needed to win against the Titans to remain in finals contention and you couldn’t quite do it.  I can see a deflated St George outfit turning up against a Wests Tigers team with nothing to lose and the smell of a down-and-out team in their nostrils, and getting horrendously pumped by them.  I reckon the Tiges will take this one by a surprisingly large score.

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Gold Coast Titans

The Cowboys are in dire need of some form, and this will be their best chance to get some combinations happening before they play, you know, someone good.  The Tits have been riding their luck for a few weeks and have salvaged a bit of pride and a couple of points before the broom gets put through the ranks, but they can probably start planning Mad Monday celebrations right now.  And you know how good Gold Coast Mad Monday would be.  If they don’t make the Channel 9 News, I’ll be pretty disappointed.

Parramatta Eels vs Canberra Raiders

The Mighty Fucking Canberra Raiders will be looking to make it #twoinarow this week after destroying the Panthers on Monday night.  This week, the Green Machine face a slightly-more-difficult-but-still-not-that-intimidating prospect against Parramatta, who have had their own fair share of shit games this year.  Canberra will hopefully close out the year with a win, but plonk a “Mister Evil Breakfast Guaran-fucking-tee” on Semi Radradra crossing the stripe for a try or two.

Cronulla Sharks vs Manly Sea Eagles

Meh.  Sharks.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs New Zealand Warriors

I can’t get over how bad New Zealand are at the moment.  Like, seriously.  It’s just not cool, bro.  I wouldn’t tip them against my mum right now, and she’s not in the shape that she was.  Dogs by a trazillion and twelve.  Pick that margin.

After three days, police still haven't found Jamie Soward, but believe he's "still buried here somewhere."

An Ode To Canberra

Canberra’s the best place in the world, that’s clear

No city or country could ever come near

With towers and statues and buildings and shit

It’s a great place to live, but I wouldn’t want to visit.

Interstate visitors, the first thing you’ll say

When flying into Canberra is “is it always this grey?”

Canberra’s beauty is unparalleled and grand

But is just as nice to see… even when you can’t.

Where else can you fly ‘round a city in fog

From 7am till 11 o’clock?

The airport is great, but there’s much more to do

There’s Kingos, the Kingo, the Iro & the Moose!

Or you could tour the lake on a Segway ride

Travel at walking pace & go broke at the same time!

Grab a kebab from the Yarralumla shops

They’re a fucking Canberra institution & they’re fucking tops

Speaking of food, check out Brodburger

Here are some tips to take your experience further:

Order your food, then go check out the sites;

the Civic sheep statues, the thing on Drakeford Drive.

Maybe visit Parliament House, go and roll down the lawn.

Take a trip into Fyshwick, buy some… uh… used cars. 

Go to Westfield in Woden to look for some clothes.

Notice all of the men’s shops have signs that say “closed.” 

And there’s fifty new shops that sell cheap plastic gnomes

More discount stores there than the Hyperdome.

Then go north to Bonner and Casey and Crace

Think, “Why such small houses with so much fucking space?” 

Then head back to the city to pick up your order

That delightful smell masking the Lake Burley water. 

You rock up to Brodburger, ready to eat

You did the right thing by ordering last week.

Out comes your burger, FUCKING YES ABOUT TIME

You laugh at the people who are still waiting in line.

So you mung down your burger, and eat it with glee

The only difference is that they added some brie.

“That’s it?” you declare as you chew up your cheese.

“It’s a fucking burger, with salad and meat.

I waited all day, paid way too much cash

And all I get back is a bit of fromage?”

But remember the way that new things can work

When they come into Canberra and make people beserk?

Like when they opened the first Krispy Kreme Canberra store

Thousands of people all lined out the door.

A week later on, no one gave half a shit

For a donut; whether glazed, iced or had custard in it

When a new trend hits Canberra, the owners are holding their breath

That it escapes from the infamous Canberra hug-to-the-death.

When something is new, Canberrans will pick out their side:

Either love it too much, or ignore it to die.

A gourmet meal served out of a truck

That’s quirky enough to make me give a fuck.

So fuck it, enjoy your food down on the lake

It’s just a fucking burger, for fucking fuck’s sake

A Canberran’s idea to make something to please us

And all it has taken are two kinds of cheeses.

NRL 2015 Round 25 - All the off-field drama

Holy fuck, what the hell happened to the NRL last week?

Manly’s season ended when they struggled to overcome a struggling Parramatta team, Newcastle proved there’s still life in their decrepit old legs by beating Melbourne – the Storm’s fifth loss this year to a last-placed team – and Canberra forgot to turn up against the Titans.

Injuries have also turned the premiership race on its head.  The Roosters’ march to the minor premiership has been royally fucked by a season-ending knee explosion to Jared Waerea-Hargreaves, plus a bad case of dandruff for pansy-boy Mitchell Pearce, who will miss a month.  Souths have lost Greg “Future Immortal unless I play like I did last week” Inglis for at least a week while he recovers from a knee problem – hopefully he can also find some interest in the game during his time off as well, as he looked absolutely woeful in the loss to Canterbury on Friday night.  The Bunnies are not looking like contenders at all right now, and risking Inglis is probably not in their best interests.   The Cowbs will miss Michael Morgan, who has formed a great combination with Thurston this year, which has added a much-needed second player to the list of “people that the Cowboys rely on.” 

From the top eight, the fucking Bulldogs and Brisbane are looking like the most dangerous teams.

Off the field (sort of), the Wests Tigers, current favourites to be collecting the wooden spoon this year, have announced that they will be loading their captain Robbie Farah into the club catapult and firing him towards the sun, as they can no longer afford him under their current salary cap.  This is shit news, basically, and I fucking hate Robbie Farah almost as much as I hate Billy Slater, but way less than I hate Robert Lui.  I will have to draw a scale for you one day.  Farah joined the Tiges in 2003 (that’s 12 years at the same club, for those playing at home, Josh Dugan), and has played 236 games for them.  In 2013, he was inducted as a Wests Tigers Life Member.  Two years later, he has basically been sacked.  This is a shit way to treat someone that is regarded as a club legend, it’s a shit way to run a club, it’s a shit part of the NRL and it’s shit news for Robbie Farah. 

Rob’s current salary at Westststs is reportedly around $900,000 a year, and he still has two years to go on his contract.  If another team picks him up, they will probably offer him around $600,000 and the Tigers still have to pay him the remainder of his salary.  So instead of paying a man $900K, they are now paying no one $600,000 over two years. 

The salary cap restrictions and rules have been fucked for a long time, and this is probably a perfect example of why things need to be revised.  Special dispensations should be given to players who stick with a club for ten years, or if they receive life membership, or if they have managed not to be arrested during their career.  When Farah leaves, the average age of the Tigers will be 22, which is coincidentally the same number of knee reconstructions that James Tedesco will be having next year while sitting on a lazy $800,000 per annum pay rise.

Good luck next year, boys.

In other news, apparently ex-Parramatta legend Jarryd Hayne is trying his hand at playing NFL, but I haven’t heard anything of how his preparations are going.  I definitely haven’t seen twelve stories about him in two days, and absolutely no one at Fox Sports is jerking off over his every step. 

A list of players that the Tigers have let go in the last few years.  Courtesy of Beau Ryan's Instagram page which I found but don't look at because I can't remember my Instagram password and I only have like two photos on there anyway

Round 25

So many players missing this round.  Anyfuckingthing could happen. 

Souths vs Broncos

Whenever a team needs to score points against Souths, here’s an idea – run at Alex Johnston.  The kid is quick and is great in attack, but I reckon I could probably sneak past him, and I’m not in the shape I used to be.  And I’ve had a few.

Manly vs Roosters

As mentioned, the Roosters have lost Jared Waerea-Hargreaves for the year, but luckily have a small factory that churns out giant Kiwis to take his place.  The only worry about this game is that the Chooks won’t want to risk injuring anyone good (hence Maloney retaining his position) and may not dig deep enough to give 110% against a Manly side with nothing to play for.

Eels vs Sharks      

If the Sharks win (which they should) and the Rabbits lose (which they should), Cronulla will fucking sneak into fourth place.  FUCK.  OFF.  The Eels could come out and surprise everyone again, but for that to happen twice in two weeks would be nothing short of miraculous. 

Knights vs Doggies

Canterbury’s Sam Kasiano is fucking mental.  He gives me one of those “he’s ugly as sin but holy shit” boners.  I think the Morris twins will run amok on the edges of Newcastle’s often-breached defence, and should put on about 40 points.  Sorry Knights.  If Danny Buderus steps down as interim coach right now, he would go out as having the highest winning ration of any Newcastle coach ever.  Just sayin…

Storm vs Cowboys

The Storm are going in with an unchanged line-up that lost to bottom-placed Newcastle on Monday to take on the competition favourites.  Bold strategy, let’s see how they go.  They will want to fire up after another embarrassing loss last weekend, but my tip is going to the Cowboys.  Keep an eye on Kyle Feldt, who has a great name and heaps of speed.

Tigers vs Warriors

Fuck, I don’t know.  Despite the Tigers coming dead last but still looking more threatening than the Warriors have in the second half of the comp, I’m tipping for our Kiwi cousins.  How they’re still in finals contention is a complete mystery, and probably exemplifies just how bad everyone else has been this year.  Depending on how the Tigers have taken their off-field dramas, this could boil over like a forgotten saucepan.

Titans vs St George

You know how there are teams that are in the comp that you kind of forget about, and probably wouldn’t miss if they weren’t playing?  Yeah, that’s kind of these two teams for me, to be honest.  Nothing against either the Gold Coast or the Dragons, they just don’t do much for me.  Saints for the win though, apparently their season is still alive and kicking.  Allegedly. 

Raiders vs Panthers

The hardest thing about playing the Panthers?  Not hurting yourself when you tackle their wheelchairs.  That was way funnier in my head.  From a random stat that I read that I will in no way verify, this is the sixteenth time that Penrith have changed their starting halves combination.  I’m going for the Raiders this final week of Canberra Appreciation Month – hopefully they can lift a bit more than they did last week.  Also, hopefully they have learned that their BJ Leilui experiment was a fucking disaster, and will use his suspension to teach him how to play football.  I would fuck him off from the centres and get him into the second row.  Because if there’s anything that the Raiders need, it’s more giant fuck-off forwards.  Carn the Green Machine.

What do Canberran people talk about?

People in Canberra are known to socialise with each other occasionally, as long as there are no Queanbeyan residents within earshot.  If you find yourself in a conversation with a Canberran but are struggling to maintain regular repartee, the following topics may be of assistance:

Insinuate that all Public Servants are fat, lazy bureaucrats who waste the taxpayer’s money and have three hour boozy lunches every day.

This is a good one for an icebreaker, I’ve found.  It incites some vigorous debate about the evolution of the office worker, and can lead to some interesting thoughts on any current or former Minister. 

Point out the benefits of a light rail system from Civic to Gungahlin.

If you are talking to some southsiders, and I’m talking, like, Banks and shit, explain how a new public transport system would be an asset to the entire city, and how it will 'eventually' connect each Town Centre following a flawless introduction that had minimal impact on taxpayers. 

Gungahlin will be just a couple of minutes away for people who want to leave the City and shop at Coles, if are willing to wait until 2025.

How it’s impossible to find staffy bull terrier breeders in Tuggeranong.

I haven’t seen or heard anyone mention that they have about twelve pregnant staffies, have you?  They are such beautiful animals that wouldn’t hurt anyone, but when they do it’s really out of character for them, especially like last week and that was the kid’s fault anyway.

  

Mention that you have never had a taxi driver take you the long way home. 

To better orientate yourself with the Canberra layout, the use of this topic will raise the different arterial roads that connect the suburbs, as well as demonstrate how highly-regarded Canberra’s customer-service industry is, especially if they are ethnic minorities. 

How you are pretty sure you received a speeding fine from the Athllon Drive point-to-point speed camera.

Bringing up the glorious roadside art installation on Athllon Drive will usually incite Canberrans to display their oft-hidden underbelly in that they are little-known physicists who will simply explain complex equations such as “waste of fucking time, space and money” to you, including the misunderstood “roundabout matrix” and the fact that someone stole the S from the Red Rooster sign again.   

Canberra's speed cameras are based on the classic Pixar movie Wall-E

How to speak Canberran

Canberra is a funny place, despite what everyone some people think.  Once you have come to terms with the epic Canberra Northside vs Southside battle, learned how roundabouts work and got up to speed with the fact that DEEWR became DEWR which became Education, Canberrans will feel the need to defend their territory by attempting to ridicule you with our clever turns of phrase.

Canberrans will be able to take a Monaro on the Monaro, but they wouldn’t, especially during peak hour.  On the subject of driving, you are well within your rights to complain about Canberra drivers, because even though everyone in Canberra technically is a Canberra driver, we know exactly which ones you’re talking about, and it's not us.  

You can meet up at Kingos or the Kingo on a Saturday night for a few beers, but you should probably work out which one first. 

When you get to work on Monday and Steve asks, “Did you watch the footy on the weekend?” the correct response is, “Yep, wish I didn’t though.  Useless, overpaid prima donnas, amirite?!!” and then you can both laugh and pretend that you are both talking about the same game, team or sport. 

Depending on the social situation, you can mention the suburb in which you live, but ensure that no one is insulted or threatened.  If you noticed the BMW in the driveway, feel free to drop the line: “I live in Narrabundah.  On the Red Hill side” and soon you’ll be sipping champagne with high society.  However, if you saw that their Camry has its bumper bar gaffa-taped together, and you’re pretty sure that it has the hubcaps that were stolen from your car welded on, you could try: “I’m in Narrabundah.  Near the shops” and they’ll probably offer you a warm VB. 

Don’t try and work out why rugby league legend Mal Meninga is playing cricket on ads for a law firm.  It was always a pretty tenuous link, and serves us only to realise how fat Big Mal is getting. 

Manuka Honey is the latest craze in hipster foodstuffs due to its medicinal properties, organic production and unique flavour.  Canberrans will never quite be 100% convinced that it isn’t made in the back-alleys of Manuka.

You can discuss the merits of Kingsley’s with any Canberran, talking about the tender, juicy meat & delicate sides, and how you have managed to spend way too much money there on several occasions.  Well you could, until Kingsley’s closed down and only Kingsley’s was there to ease the pain. 

If all this is too confusing and you’re ever stuck in a conversation with a Canberran, just drop a subtle “Fuck Queanbeyan” and you’ll be best mates forever, despite the fact that you never see each other but will fully catch up again soon, maybe the next time the footy’s on?

NRL 2015 Round 24 - The race to the bottom of the ladder

Spoonbowl is on – with three rounds to go, there are still six teams who are threatening to take the prize that no one wants; last place.  That includes the Raiders, who just last week could have made the top eight if they’d won.  Crazy, no?  Looking at all six teams, they will all be in the running for being the NRL’s worst fucking team of the year until the final round, depending on results.  Luckily for the mighty fucking Green Machine, the Raiders have the best chance of escaping the dreaded spoon, as their next three games are against three teams below them – which is a feat in itself when you’re tied for second last.

Round 24

Dragons vs Panthers

Penrith could use that wooden spoon to stir a nice big pot of chicken soup so they can all feel better.  Benji Marshall is back for the Dragons, if that means anything anymore.  I'll tip the Dragons, but only just.  The desperation to keep off the bottom of the ladder will be a huge incentive for the Panfers.

Souths vs Doggies

No Sutton or Keary for Souths means this fucker will be a bit tricky to tip.  Issaac Luke getting let go by the judiciary for a pretty ordinary hit just adds to the confusion of what actually constitutes a shoulder charge.  “Was it late?”  “Yep.”  “A bit shouldery?”  “Yes, quite shouldery indeed.”  “No charge, here’s $20 for a cab, sorry to waste your time.  If you leave now, you’ll make it home in time for House Husbands.”  Of course, this just means that Luke is going to do something much, much more stupid this week.  Anyway, I am going for the Dogs.  I still can’t trust Souths… and when you trust Canterbury-Bankstown more than someone, you know there’s trouble. 

Cronulla vs Tigers

The Sharks were brought back to earth (or sea) last week with a thumping from the Storm, and the Tigers managed to fall to the Knights… somehow… so both teams will be looking to save face, keep in touch with the top eight/stay off the bottom of the ladder, and actually show that they’re not as bad as they were last week.  As a result, this game gets the Mister Evil Breakfast Dangerous Upset Game of the Round Stamp (MEBDUGOTRS).  I’m tipping the Sharks, but without too much confidence.

Warriors vs Cowboys

The Cowboys are meant to win, and the Warriors are destined to lose… which means that a solid 18 point win for the Warriors is on the cards.  Fucked if I’m tipping them though; they look like absolute dick at the moment.  And not good dick, if you know what I mean.  I don’t know what I mean.

Roosters vs Broncos

Could be the game of the season – the last time these dickheads played each other, the NRL world went into a complete meltdown about the quality and speed of the game, and it was branded an “instant classic” and will probably be available to watch on Foxtel on one of the sports channels next year.  Whether or not this one lives up to those lofty heights is anyone’s guess, as is the winner.  I’m going for the Roosters, but only fucking just.

Titans vs Raiders

The Raiders were kind of robbed last week against Manly, but were once again punished for not playing out the full eighty minutes.  With a 26 degree day forecast, the Canberra forwards could tire a bit more quickly than usual, giving the Titans about thirty minutes to win this one.  Canberra should still manage to scrape through by about 12. 

Manly vs Parramatta

The Eels gave a right good ol’ scare to the Roosters last week by leading for about 95% of the game before doing what we expected and capitulating badly to go down by 10.  Manly are probably a bit lucky to still have their season going, and will defend this one to the bitter end.  Any time Manly wins is a bit bitter.

Storm vs Knights

I’m going to pull out the ol’ MEBDUGOTRS again for this game, as it has my sirens ringing in all the wrong ways.  Not enough for me to tip Newcastle against Melbourne though.  I mean, come on.  Gidley.  Nuff said.

Canberra's Hidden Gems

Canberra has its fair share of great tourist attractions – the majestic Parliament House, the award-winning War Memorial, the edufunctional Questacon and the-how-is-this-place-still-open Cockington Green gardens. 

However, any Canberran worth their salt will tell you that the best parts of Canberra are the ones you have to look for, the ones that aren’t in your hoity-toity Lonely Planet guides; the parts of Canberra that tell a story that is less to do with grey buildings and roundabouts, these are real stories about love and loss and HOLY FUCK WAS THAT A PEACOCK? 

Yes, yes it was.  Canberra is home to its own flock of wild peacocks, that live on Dalrymple Street in Red Hill.  Rumour has it that a couple of go-getting Red Hill residents decided that their billion-dollar houses and sold-gold rocket cars weren’t enough, and wanted to raise a brood of peacocks.  No one is really sure why you’d want multiple peacocks wandering around your back yard; I don’t know how valuable they would be to sell, or if the Canberra market was ready to mung down on peacock meat or peacock eggs, or if there was much of a demand for big ol’ feathers, or if the Jonesmithtons in Yaralumla caught wind of it and said, “I hear Red Hill has its own peacocks.  I DEMAND WE GET SOME!  Can you please move the BMW to get to the Mercedes, as we need to upgrade it to the current model on our way, you know.”    

In any case, the RSPCA got wind of this fucking ridiculous plan and decided that Canberra isn’t the topsest place to raise tropical birds that get pissed off really easily, so the owners took them to a farm so they could chase tennis balls or do whatever peacocks do.  Unfortunately, the peacocks found their way back to their Red Hill house and continued peacocking around.  So they were moved again.  And again, they came back, but this time they completed a degree in International Relations at the ANU, joined the Public Service grad program, worked their way up to EL1, got picked up by KPMG Consultants and have subsequently moved into a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom place in Red Hill permanently. 

So the next time you are meandering around Red Hill, keep an eye out for Canberra’s own zoo.  You know, other than the other one.  

 Here, a peacock is seen scoffing at a 'common' car in Red Hill.  

NRL 2015 Round 23: Rabble Rabble Rabble

Everyone and their dog (settle down, Joel Monaghan) has an opinion this week on whether the NRL is getting too soft by outlawing shoulder charges and punching people in the face or the back of the head.  The way the current rule is, any contact made by the defender with their shoulder and no attempt to use their arms is an automatic penalty and trip to the judiciary… except for motherfucking Kane Evans who put Sam Kasiano on his giant arse with the most blatant shoulder-charge this year and managed to escape all punishment through the legality of “holy fuck that was a good hit.” 

Then Willie Mason got suspended for lightly touching some fucking weak unit after said weak unit literally ran into him.  I’m not a massive Mason fan, but he was hard fucking done by, and it’s more proof that the NRL has no idea how to police their own rules.  Each tackle should be judged on its own merits, or lack thereof, including contact with the head.  If it’s a good fucking hit, it needs to stay in.  If it’s a good fucking hit that goes fucking awry, then punish that.  EASY AS FUCK.

In a classic Bulldogs move, up-and-comer David Minute was sacked by the club after repeatedly ringing a female trainer and jerking off over the phone to her.  That is some vintage Canterbury action right there.  We haven’t had a good old-fashioned sexual discrimination-verging-on-assault for a while from those lovable lads in Bankstown, so well done to them for maintaining the highest possible standards and once again shining a glorious light on the players of the NRL, while also providing a great example that the female staff members of rugby league clubs are always appreciated and held in the same stead as their male counterparts.      

Canberra Appreciation Month update

Well, the Raiders went and fucked up Canberra Appreciation Month AGAIN by fucking losing to the motherfucking Tigers on Monday night, snatching a heart-breaking loss from the sweaty clutches of a crushing victory, and really fucking up their fucking chances of fucking qualifying for the fucking finals.

Canberra looked like absolute balls whenever they were put under any kind of defensive pressure and proved AGAIN that they are currently incapable of closing out a game.  Blake Austin played as if he’d just come back from a date with Bill Cosby, and Sammy Williams tried to do too much in his first game back from injury and was attempting to carry the team on his tiny little shoulders.  Dave Shillington won’t forget his 200^th game for the club, as he was sent from the field for headbutting – the first bloke to be marched in two years.  He somehow avoided the wrath of the judiciary, and will be taking his place in the team this weekend after spending zero weeks on the sideline.  This will probably make him a marked man for the rest of the season, and he should expect to cop a bit from other big boofheads who have been suspended for lesser infringements.  Could  be good to see what happens though, seeing as ol' Shillo seems to be sitting on a powder keg at the moment.  We might even see a punch get thrown.  If that happens, wake the kids up.  It's like Halley's comet.  

 

Player of the Week:  Shannon Boyd, who scored a double in Monday night's loss to the Tigers.  There's so much I'd like to say, but won't because I'd be afraid of this guy breaking into my house, literally tearing me in half and eating me.
Also, he's 22.  Twenty-two.  Let THAT sink in.  This guy has seen some shit.

 Round 23

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Both teams will have to pick up their act from last week’s effort to get the cookies in this match, and I think that Souths just have too much ground to make up.  Add to that a host of injuries, Joel Reddy and two Burgess brothers with pillows for hands, and my prediction is that North Queensland are going to towel up the premiers. 

Brisbane Broncos vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Fuck Brisbane, way to prove that you actually do suck by sucking a lot over the last few weeks.  Thankfully they are playing a rapidly declining St George team this week to get them back into the groove of beating wooden spoon contenders.  PHEW.

Wests Tigers vs Newcastle Knights

Newcastle?  More like OLDcastle, amirite?!?!  It would be nice to play for the Knights though – you get priority seating on public transport, discount movie tickets, weekly field trips, daily nap times, being surrounded by friendly people your own age that understand you…  The Tigers have been in season-best form lately (that doesn’t really mean much though) and have put together two wins in a row for the first time in two years, and unless they lose their heads this weekend, they’ll make it three.  Most clubs can only dream of such success.  Like the Raiders. 

Penrith Panthers vs New Zealand Warriors

Watching this match should come with a health warning that it has the potential to hurt all five senses and those with heart conditions or who are pregnant or support either of these teams should avoid it at all costs. 

Sydney Roosters vs Parramatta Eels

The combined score of the last two Roosters vs Eels matches at the SFS is 106-4.  That is an insult to the Australian cricket team as much as it is Parra. 

It must be close to illegal for games like this to happen.  If everything goes the way that it should go (on paper), it will be like watching the Roosters beat a cripple to death with their own wheelchair.  Yes, that’s how politically correct I am.  Go fuck yourself.  Yeah.

Canberra Raiders vs Manly Sea Eagles

The boldest of Canberra supporters can see the might fucking Green Machine snapping back into form and breaking Manly’s streak of wins… not me though.  Stupid dickwits. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Gold Coast Titans

This game has my stamp of “if there’s going to be an upset, it will be in this game, bitches” on it, but I wouldn’t put my house on that.  The Dogs forwards will take them to victory and really piss on the Titans season.  It hasn’t been great. 

Cronulla Sharks vs Melbourne Storm

The Sharkies are looking the fucking goods right about now – not that I’d admit that to anyone – and if they can beat a Storm team that should be pretty desperate to keep their grubby little claws in the top eight, they’ll confirm as genuine outside chances to possibly upset a good team to maybe get into the grand final, which they will lose.  If they don’t, then they’ll probably get on the ol’ slippery slope down to shitsville.  I reckon they’ll do alright though.  I’m so confident that sometimes it hurts.

NRL 2015 Round 22: Indigenous Round, so no booing unless it’s because you hate the player, like Greg Bird.

Holy shit it’s Friday already.  It was a bit of an up-and-down weekend last week; we saw the stupid fucking Sea Eagles flog a seemingly-unbeatable Broncos team and fuck everyone’s tips, then the Tigers decided to flog the bejesus out of an underperforming-but-still-it’s-only-the-Tigers-surely-you-can-beat-these-dickheads Melbourne Storm team.  The Bunnies dragged themselves to an unconvincing win over the Panfers, but dragged is the key word here - it was like they were crawling over broken glass and syringes while people spat on them... no, that was actually Penrith.  Meanwhile, St George got their first victory in seven attempts, but before we crack the champers and start planning a Grand final party, let’s not get too carried away, as it was only against Newcastle.  To top off the round, the Roosters and the Bulldogs decided to toy with everyone’s emotions by playing alternating 20-minute periods throughout the game. 

Thoughts on this week - Manly are shaping up to be the fucking Mighty Ducks this year, having scraped themselves off the bottom of the ladder after about 20 rounds, now find themselves just one win away from making the finals.  Come on.  I mean, fuck.  Come on.  Fucking hell, come on.  What the fuck, everyone?  Come on.

In Mighty Canberra Raiders Green Machine Bang Bang Big Mal Ricky’s Groin Jarrod Croker WOO GO YOU FUCKING RAIDERS news, Sia Soliola, one of the buys of the season and proud owner of a major contender for “hit of the year” has gone and ruled himself out for the rest of the year with a broken cheekbone.  DICKHEAD.   The injury was sustained in last weekend’s loss to the Cowboys in Townsville after the Raiders squandered an 18-point lead, and due to altitude and air pressure, was advised not to fly home after the game, which no doubt led to the following scenario….

Soliola: Argh fuck man, my cheekbone’s gone, broken, I’m fucked.  I’m done.  Oh well, at least we won the game, right?  We couldn’t possibly let an 18-nil lead slip. 

Ricky Stuart:  Uhhhhh... sorry, we kind of lost.  By kind of a lot. 

Solila:  Fuck!  Seriously?  Well that sucks.  Anyway, let’s get on the plane and we can go through the game and work out what worked and what didn’t, you know, find some key areas to target and improve on for next week.  It will make this seven-hour flight from Townsville to Canberra a useful endeavour. 

Ricky Stuart:  Yeah, about that…  we can’t actually let you onto the plane.  The ah, cabin pressure will worsen your broken bone.  The one in your head.  The one that broke.  

Soliola:  What the fuck, seriously? How am I going to get back to our nation’s capital then? 

♫ Sitcom intro music begins to play ♫

♫ Lost the game and broke my face

Gotta get out of this place

Can't catch a plane to get back home

Thankfully I'm not alone

Team doctor, cheerleader and then me

Driving back in a Suzuki

We need to cross Australia

My name is Sia Soliola ♫ 

I’d like to think the show deals with the inner workings of today’s modern athlete mixed with some road-trip hi-jinx and some hilarious “I-spy” rounds.

This week is a deadset cracker of a rugby league round, with almost every game a massive brainfuck as to who to tip.  Don’t worry everyone, I’m here to walk you through it.   

Brisbane Broncos vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Broncs got brought back to earth with a flogging from Manly last week.  Stupid Horses.  The Dogs, on the other hand, showed some rare fight in their close loss to the Roosters.  Hopefully Brissy won’t give them the opportunity to stage a comeback this week and will piss the Dogs well and truly away from the top eight.  Hate the Dogs.

Manly Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Manly have dropped Turbo Tom Trbojevic for… reasons.  I guess Toovey just wants to piss as many people off as he can before he leaves the club.  This game has had me umming and aahing all week, and I’m scared.  Scared and cold.  And hungry.  And a little sleepy.  The Bunnies need to win this one to get some momentum going into finals; and also to quash Manly’s hopes and dreams.  Quashing Manly’s hopes and dreams is always a bonus.  On form… I’m sorry.  I can’t not tip Manly. 

New Zealand Warriors vs St George Illawarra Dragons

The Warriors have opted not to play Konrad Hurrell in this match, dropping him to NSW Cup, presumably to ensure that they will be knocked out of finals contention by losing matches, rather than through points differential.  Noble fuckers, don’t you think?

Cronulla Sharks vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Time for both of these teams to nut up or shut up – the Sharkies have somehow managed to sneak their grubby little way into fifth place, while the Cowboys have been in premiership-winning form.  A win by either team will give them a boost heading into the arse-end of the season.  Go Cowbs, but only fucking just.

Parramatta Eels vs Penrith Panthers

Business as usual for both teams last week as they both managed to rack up losses.  I guess one team will improve that this week.  Stats and form and stuff are pointing me towards the Penny Panthers.  Probably by a lot, actually.  Donk a thousand on Bryce Cartwright to single-handedly flog the piss out of the Eels. 

Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans

Melbourne were on the wrong end of what was possibly the upset of the round last week, getting smashed by the War Machine Wests Tigers.  The amount of psychological damage acquired may take longer than a week to fully overcome, and it may have fundamentally affected their self-belief and their lack of trust in one another.  It could lead to a lack of cohesion within the team mechanics, which is one of the major attacking weapons that their coaching staff has engrained within the team. 

On the other hand, fuck the Titans AMIRITE?

Newcastle Knights vs Sydney Roosters

The Knights have had a pretty shitty year in 2015.  All they really need now is some kind of scandal, maybe a salary-cap rorting issue, whereby it shows their players are also collecting their aged-care pension as well as match payments.  Newcastle are playing like the Australian cricket team lately – and will probably end up the same – losing by about 400.  The only thing they can hope for is that the Roosters fall into old habits and go into the game drastically underestimating a bottom-of-the-ladder team and forget to show up. 

Canberra Raiders vs Wests Tigers

Both teams have lost some firepower with injuries to Sia Soliola and Josh Hodgson, with a suspension for Edrick Lee for the Raiders, while psychotic ball runner Martin Tapau from the Tigers will also sit out the week for attempted murder and cannibalism in a one-man fight last week.  The Raiders welcome back big Sammy Williams from a pec injury, all 5’3 of him – an inclusion that will warm my heart, as the Raiders have struggled like… well, Wests… without him.  The only bloke who could stop the Machine de Verde from winning this puppy is fucking Tedesco, who should have fucking signed with Canberra last year.  Other players to watch are fucking Brooks and Moses, who show flair in attack, but like most 12-year olds who play first grade, are shithouse in defence.  But they could definitely fix your Foxtel if it fucks out… and probably beat you at Call of Duty on the X-Box.  You know, those important things in life. 

Mister Evil Breakfast's Canberra Appreciation Month 2015

I tried really hard to get this to match the meter and rhyme scheme of "True Blue" by John Williamson, but didn't really get there because I think I forgot how much he sort of just drifts off and mumbles "Hey True Blue" and "sponge cake" and it started to get hard.  I've also had that song in my head for about a week thanks to this stupid launch of MEBCAM for 2015.  So now hopefully you will too.  You can thank me later.

Hey Canberra

Hey Canberra, you’re number one. 

So you’ve got yourself four big lakes

And all those fucking swans. 

Hey Canberra.  Hey Canberra

Walked through Garema Place, met some brand new mates.  

Who all need just a dollar 

To catch a bus to Crace.   

Hey Canberra 

Is it the ANU? 

Is it Banks or Hall?  Is it Amaroo?

In line at the bar in Kingos on a Friday night. 

There’s only one person on tonight. 

Canberra, you want microbrew? 

Drinkin at Bent Spoke 

My rent costs less than a pint

But this is what we do

Hey Canberra  

If it’s ten below   

Give us fucking snow!   

Hey Canberra

How 'bout the Raiders 

Back in ’94?  Yeah, it’s been a while.

Hey Canberra (you suck) 

Canberra, are you at the Moose? 

Is it the light rail, or the Vader balloon? 

Is it going to the Arboretum, because you fucking love trees? 

I’m not judging.  You just like trees. 

Caaaanberra, how’s your owl statue?   

Is it Tongue n Groove?   

Is it Scotty and Nige, is it Erindale Pool? 

Is it driving 10 minutes to work, and getting all red lights? 

Still made it in by nine. 

Caaaaaaan-berra.  CAAAAAAANBEERRRRRAAAAA.  

words and music by Mister Evil Breakfast and possibly John Williamson

NRL 2015 Round 21: Fire all the coaches!

What a glorious week of football – it all began with the fallout of the Fifita twins being suspended for abusing a referee at a junior league game, Geoff Toovey was fired, Mick Stone was even more fired, and the Cowboys were accused of cheating the salary cap, but it just turns out that they were given “bonuses” by their club’s sponsor, in the form of extra houses.  Nothing suss there, especially since their chairman is a property developer. 

On the field, there have been more cricket scores than the current Ashes tour (fucking Australians), with the Bunnies, Brisbane and Cowboys putting on some big points.  The Sharks managed to snag another win against a Bulldogs team who have promised fans that they will “probably consider turning up to think about playing well” in their game this week.  James Segeyaro tried to sneak a win against the Raiders by attempting a chip-kick over an 8-foot giant in Edrick Lee, while Shaun Johnson broke our hearts when he broke his ankle against Manly. 

Geoff Toovey announced that he has been sacked as coach by the club for the 2016 season and will be replaced by St George numpty Trent Barrett next year.  Mick Stone was released immediately by the Newcastle Knights, with Danny Buderus given the reins to finish off a fuck-up of a year for the Novocastrians. 

 

You can't argue with Wikipedia

There’s a current NRL trend for defending teams to give up a penalty in their own 30-metre zone in order to slow the play down – giving the opposition an easy 2-point kick, which a lot of teams are opting for.  Instead, they should line up to kick the ball from right in front, but deliberately spray it short and wide for a winger or centre to race onto to score while the opposition are not expecting it.  I always thought the Raiders used to do this in the mid-90s for Noa Nadruku and Ken Nagas to score buckets of tries from, but then I realised that the Canberra kickers were just a bit shit.  Sorry Dave Furner. 

Round 21:

Sydney Roosters vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Fucking hell.  Games like this are proof that God exists and he hates the world.  Both teams have some giant fucking units in their forward pack, and some speccy runners in their backlines, but always seems to be completely underwhelming in all aspects of the game.  The Dogs would want to turn around last week’s fucking embarrassment of a game and actually turn up to this one, but I’m tipping the Chooks, mainly because they’ll be dressed as Captain America.  And if there’s one thing that epitomises the NRL, it’s a man wearing the Star Spangled Banner as a shirt.    

Wests Tigers vs Melbourne Storm

The Tigers have been putting up the equivalent effort of the bye this year, and I don’t see anything different happening this week.  The Tigers have been dealt another blow by having their captain Robbie Farah returning from injury, so they’ll have to deal with his incompetence as well as the clinical (read: boring) style of footy that the Storm have been producing of late. If anyone can stay awake through this one, they'll probably see Melbourne up by 20-odd.

New Zealand Warriors vs Cronulla Sharks

The Warriors lost sex machine excitement machine Shaun Johnson to a broken ankle last week and capitulated (as you would) against a resurgent Manly outfit, and look fairly lost without him.  The Sharks are looking pretty decent without being spectacular, and will grind out a win against our Kiwi cousins this weekend.  Mick Ennis is playing out of his headgear this year; if the Warriors can’t find a counter for his kicking game, they’ll be on the end of a shellacking.  And fuck the Fifitas; without them, Cronulla will probably have about thirty less penalties and eighty fewer dropped balls than normal.

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Canberra Raiders

Raiders will have to tag the absolute bejesus out of Thurston to have a chance in this one – someone with the agility to match him (Croker) or the strength to flog him (Papalli).  Unfortunately, that would leave an even bigger gap on Canberra’s left edge if Crokes takes him, or Papalli will spend the next six weeks on the sideline for trying to kill JT.  Thursty could probably sit out the next six weeks and still waltz it in for the Dally M.  While I think the Cowbs will run away winners in this game, it won't be an easy game.  The Canberra forwards have been flogging the piss out of teams lately, and if they can just get a smidge more support from the backline, they'll push any team for 80 minutes.  And Vaughan is my new Canberra man-crush.  

Manly Sea Eagles vs Brisbane Broncos

A lot of punters are saying that Brissy are “due for a loss”, but if they keep playing the way they have been, there's no reason why they won't keep smashing it all the way into the finals.  This week, they're up against Manly, who have been showing some good form of late and are rumoured to be “digging deep” to give “110%” for their departing coach, Geoff “Tooves” Toovey.  Also keep an eye on a young bloke called Jake “I just mashed my face on the keyboard” Trbojevic, who has the official “next NRL superstar” label tattooed across his forehead.  Donk a tenner on Lyon to score a try against Jack Reed (donk a tenner on fucking anyone to score against Jack Reed, just quietly), but in the end, the Broncs will take this one by 10 or so. 

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Newcastle Knights

Desperate to get a win, the Knights have dumped their coach, hoping that the league mythology will prevail and they’ll get up in a battle of “who gives a fuck” in the Gong.  The Dragons have lost seven games on the trot, and will be hoping to keep a fingernail grip on the top eight, despite the fact that they probably don’t deserve to.  This game will answer the age-old question:  Who would win in a fight between Iron Man and Spider-Man if Iron Man and Spider-Man were two under-performing rugby league teams? 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Penrith Panthers

Three more players have been moved into the Panthers' morgue recovery ward, with Peter Wallace, Dean Whare and Nigel Plum joining about 30 other boofheads on the Struggle Street sidelines.  The Bunnies should probably walk over for another half-century this week.  Sorry Panfers.

Gold Coast Titans vs Parramatta Eels

The Eels have boldly named an unchanged line-up from the team that was beaten by 40 points last week, trying to prove that this team isn't as bad as they appear.  Parra’s defence this year has been as hard as soup, and their attacking plays demonstrate the ball handling skills of a lesbian.  In any case, this one could go the soccer route and be a fucking boring nil-all draw, or we could get some kind of 34-48 scoreline with nothing but razzle-dazzle and poor defence.  My thoughts: this game is more likely to produce no winners, just one team that lost harder than the other.   

NRL 2015 Round 20 - Comics and controversy and one more naughty c-word

What a glorious week in rugby league – the NRL announced that seven teams will be wearing superhero-inspired outfits based on Marvel characters in the upcoming rounds.  FUCK YES.  The Raiders, Roosters, St George and Cowboys will be sprucing up their Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man and Thor uniforms, Manly have thankfully got rid of their weird Wolverine yellow bullshit from last year and have adapted a more maroon-themed DareDevil jersey, while the Knights and Tigers will be getting Spider-Man and War Machine. 

It’s almost worth supporting the Knights to get a sweet-ass Spider-Man jersey.  Almost.

Personally, I would have gone for Black Widow over the fairly obscure War Machine, and used George Rose as the model.  If a big man in some tight leathers doesn’t scream “FUCKEN-FOOTY-YES-CUNTS” right in your face as you’re trying to buy a bucket of chips, nothing does. 

In other"news", Geoff Toovey is rumoured to be leaving Manly.  Again.  One day this fucking rumour will be true and we can all be rid of the little fucking rat.  I guess a broken clock is right twice a day, huh?  Yeah.  Philosophy, bitches.

In more recent and unexpected news:  last week, Roosters and New Zealand international Shaun Kenny-Dowell was charged with a string of offences regarding domestic violence.  This week, he has reportedly checked himself into hospital.  I reckon the footy community can try and join the dots on that one to come to their own conclusion.  Personally, I think it reeks of the MatthewNewton defense, aka the case of Guilty Minor Celebrity vs depression.  Before being caught knocking his ex-girlfriend around (a lot), I doubt depression or self-harm or whatever he’s in the hospital for had ever crossed his mind.  Amazing what being charged for assault and having your career and life tarnished forever will do to a person, huh?  I am also aware that I could be eating my proverbial words if something much more serious comes from this, so I’ll just give a message to SKD from the NRL regarding his AVO and hope that he’s OK.  With that many abbreviations, I could probably tweet it to him.  Twice.  

While I’m doing the controversial opinions thing, I also reckon that Bruce Jenner’s gender-whateverthefuck it is is a complete sham, and the world’s most extreme publicity stunt and grab for coin.  Just as you thought Bruce Jenner’s name was worth dick as he divorced from Kris JennerKardashian and everyone reckoned he was a twat, welcome to motherfucking Caitlyn Jenner, who everyone seems to love, because basically it’s politically incorrect not to love him.  FUCK.  THAT.  It’s still the same person, the same twat that we’ve always disliked, but now he’s wearing a dress and is on the cover of Vanity Fair instead of Men’s Health!  It’s all a bunch of bullshit.

I also think that Daly Chery-Evans will not last his contract at Manly, Shane Watson’s Australian cricketing career is not over and the latest Avengers movie wasn’t that good.  CONTROVERSY CORNER OVER.

Sometimes there's such a thing as "too many filters."  Thanks to Fox Sports for making this picture and caption possible.

Round 20

Brisbane Broncos vs Gold Coast Titans

The off-season cocaine drama has clearly taken its toll on the Titans, who are afraid to hold onto the ball in case they are charged with possession.  Brisbane continue to roll on, just doing whatever they do.  It’s especially surprising how well they do considering one of their strike players in Jack Reed. 

Wests Tigers vs Sydney Roosters

Seems a bit odd that the Roosters get another bye this week… OH WAIT THEY DON’T THEY’RE JUST PLAYING THE TIGERS LOL .  The only way the Tiges can avoid embarrassment will be to run every single play at James Moloney, who has the most missed tackles in the NRL (congrats, Jimmy) as well as being the most penalised player in the league.  Funny that.  Note: I didn’t say that the Tiges would win, I just said it wouldn’t be as embarrassing.  The Chooks to get up after a “drama-filled” week by about 20.

New Zealand Warriors vs Manly Sea Eagles

There’s always one fucking game to ruin everything, isn’t there?  Both teams have the ability to score a thousand or go for eighty minutes without ever making it to their last tackle.  I’m going the Warriors, only because I don’t think they have it in them to put together two shithouse performances in a row, and also… Manly.

South Sydney Rabbits vs Newcastle Knights

If there’s a game for the Bunnies to truly get into the swing of things, this is it.  A down-and-out Newcastle team is just prime to have a half-century put on them.  I can almost foresee a Souths team that just tries that little bit too hard to be razzle-dazzle and ends up winning a fairly undisciplined game by 10.  Either way, fuck Newcastle.

Melbourne Storm vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Here’s a fun game to play at home – see how many times St George can rack up a new set of six tackles 10 metres from the Storm line, and then find new and inventive ways to fuck it up.  While I don’t think the Storm are the real deal, they’re looking too strong for the Dragons this week.  And you know when Cooper Cronk looks too strong for anyone, there’s some serious trouble.  I get the feeling Cronk’s the kind of grown man who would cry if he got stung by a bee.  Partly because of the pain, and partly because he killed a bee.

Penrith Panthers vs Canberra Raiders

The Raiders cost me a FULL ROUND last week, so they’d better fucking deliver this week.  The age-old ploy of naming a halfback and then changing that halfback a minute before the game didn’t seem to work too well for the Raiders in last week’s controfuckingversial loss to the Sharks, so hopefully ol’ Sticky Stuart will have learnt about putting a halfback into a halfback role this week.  Probably not though.  In any case, can’t go past the Green Machine this week.  It’s my Achilles heel, except for when they play someone good.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Cronulla Sharks

Trent Hodkinson had a great game for the Dogs last week, answering his State of Origin critics… pity it was only against the Eels.  Could be a different story this week, as Cronulla look to keep their season alive.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about this game this week.  It’s fucking stupid.  Dogs.  Always Dogs.  Well, not always.  

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Parramatta Eels

The Eels have been mentioned in a couple of pretty weird headlines this week, in that they’re trying to pay halfback Chris Sandow not to play… Sandow reject this offer and instead went about deliberately missing tackles and getting himself suspended for an illegal shoulder charge last week.  Yeah, it’s all fucking weird.  The wheels have officially fallen off at Parramatta, and I read today that Sandow has signed with the Super League.  So… have fun, Christopher.  PS.  Go Cowboys.

NRL 2015 Round 19 - Heritage Round

Round 19 is Heritage Round, which is probably in my top twenty-six rounds of the NRL, and it gives the Gold Coast Titans a chance to fully appreciate their seven-year history and three previously-failed Gold Coast teams.  Long live the mighty Seagulls, eh?  Anyone?  No one?  The silence I’m being met with is like being at a Roosters vs Titans game.

The NRL has let itself down this week by not filling up any newspapers with player misdemeanours, assaults, arrests, drug charges, drinking, social media spats, code-switching, contract-dodging or peptide-chugging.  So either the NRL has done a great job in keeping things quiet, or the internet is down at Josh Dugan’s house. 

Way to go boys, everyone gave 110% this week, stuck to the plan and came away with the two points.  The forwards provided momentum up front and made some room for the backs to take advantage of.  Couple of lucky bounces in there, but that's the way of rugby league.  Full credit to the opposition who really stuck in there and pushed you all the way.  You should enjoy this win, go back to the drawing board & work hard at training, and hopefully take the momentum into next week, where you’ll have another hard game.  Thanks to Channel 9 and Mitre 10.

Round 19

Parramatta Eels vs Canterbury Bulldogs

This looks like the best Doggies outfit to have hit the park for some time.  Unfortunately for the Eels, it looks like the usual bunch of idiots that turn up for them every week to get beaten by 20.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that even Semi Radradra won’t cross the line for a four-pointer, officially making this game a waste of everybody’s time.    

Melbourne Storm vs Penrith Panthers

The Pennies have a decent forward pack, but the backline looks a bit too “meh” to me to trouble anyone.  And if you can’t trouble the Storm, you know you’re doing something wrong, who are on the end of a four-game losing streak.  Stupid Storm.  PS.  They’ll win by about 16.

Canberra Raiders vs Cronulla Sharks

The mighty mighty Raiders’ juggernaut is approaching warp speed WOOP WOOP!  Watch for the sneaky Sharks to take off one of their underperforming backline players (take your pick) through “concussion” for a free interchange to get Ben Barba into the game around the 50^th minute mark.  Canberra will be missing their underrated halfback Sammy Williams through injury, but have announced Kurt “John the” Baptiste in the half line, which will be fucking interesting to see, as it has been a while since the Raiders have fielded anyone from Middle Earth.  Look for Papalli to put a few big hits (and a couple of cheap ones) on Cronulla captain Paul “I’m too old for this shit” Gallen.  Raiders by a thousand, but most likely a whole lot less.

Newcastle Knights vs Gold Coast Titans

If these teams grabbed a couple of pies and some beers to watch the Under 21s play, it would be a much better outcome for everyone.  Especially since Gidley would probably get his “Ooh, I wouldn’t have dropped that” comments going, and would probably get punched by a fat guy who hasn’t played since he was fifteen for slagging off his nephew. 

St George Illawarra Dragons. vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Saints welcome back five players from injury and house arrest this week, but are going into this game with about seventeen reserves just in case everyone falls apart again.  Both sides are playing a bit shit at the moment, but I reckon the Bunnies will get home in a scrappy, low-scoring affair. 

Sydney Roosters vs New Zealand Warriors

Warriors playmaker and human hard-on Shaun Johnson was reportedly injured during training during the week and is a “maybe” to play in this game.  If he doesn’t play, it will throw tissue consumption statistics in New Zealand into complete disarray.  Meanwhile, the Rooters are about as strong as a team with James Moloney in it could possibly be.  I would like to see the Roosters salary cap details, please.  Yes, all of them.  And a beer.  And a tissue.  Thank you.  Chooks to cheat home by eight.

Brisbane Broncos vs Wests Tigers

I have been trying to imagine the Tigers repeating their effort against the Rabbitohs from a few weeks back, but I just can’t see it happening again.  The Broncos are just looking too damn good right now – they are not playing magical football, but they’re getting it done with some grinding, smart play.  The fact that they won six in a row during Origin, are close to full strength and playing the bottom-placed team doesn’t really give anyone many other options other than to tip a big Brissy win.  And it hurts me to say that, because I still hate Brisbane because of Mick Hancock.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

This will be a good test for the Cowboys to prove that they are true premiership contenders – Manly are in good form but under shit-tins of pressure to win (how the fuck are they still a possibility to make the finals?), so this will be a good indicator of the Cowboys’ mettle.  The Cowbs will rely on JT to take them home, while Daly Chery-Evans will need to stand up again to bring home the bacon.  Carn you Cowbs.

NRL 2015 - Round 18: No more Origin bullshit wheee!

There were two stories that dominated the NRL landscape this week – one was the fact that Cameron Smith didn’t cure paraplegia following Alex Johnson’s incident last year, and the other was the constant “will he/won’t he” debate around whether Robbie Farah would overcome his injuries to play in Wednesday night’s State of Origin decider. 

Cam Smith copped a dead-set flogging from the Channel 9 60-Minute “journalists” to the point that he has put a media ban on them.  Cameron Smith, captain of the national team plus the Melbourne Storm plus the newly-crowned champions of the world, the Queensland Maroons Origin side, will not speak to the “major” provider of rugby league in Australia.  I bet there are about a thousand other players right now wishing they’d done the same thing a whole lot earlier. 

After what felt like thirty seven years of hype, we can now officially put Robbie Farah into the “who fucking cares if he plays or not” category.  Let’s be honest, the guy is no Johnathan Thurston or Andrew Johns, who would dominate an opposition if you hacked off one of their legs with a dull and rusty soup spoon, this is Robbie Farah.  “Oh noes, Robbie isn’t playing!” the NSW selectors fretted.  “Before we officially forfeit this game, get… I don’t know… anyone else to play that position.  I think we’ll manage.”  Turns out that QLD won by the small margin of 46 points, a deficit I’m just not sure that Rob Farah, with his busted shoulder and fractured hand, would not have been able to close. 

So congrats to Queensland, who showed that the best offence is a great defence, and successfully (hopefully) ended the representative careers of Pearce, Hodkinson  and Hopoate for NSW, and proved that DCE really is shit.  So despite being a NSW supporter, I think they’ve done the game a huge favour. 

Round 18

Canberra Raiders vs Newcastle Knights

A cold, rainy Friday night at GIO stadium is just what the doctor ordered.  To be honest, giving Canberra their first/only Friday night game just as an ice age is approaching is a bit rude.  With all fingers crossed inside my mittens, Canberra will walk over the top of Newcastle in this one, who, despite starting the season well, now find themselves on the bottom of the ladder.  And there’s no better way to lift your morale and get back into footy than with a trip to the nation’s capital just as the sleet starts coming down.  Raiders by a dozen.

Penrith Panthers vs Sydney Roosters

I reckon the Panthers could almost sneak this one in… but I also reckoned that smartphones wouldn’t catch on.  Although I did have a dream the other night that Australia would be 3/87 in the cricket – but it turned out that it was England who were 3/87.  Spooky, eh?  Roosters by 10 or so.  Or Panthers by 10 or so.  It’s all the same.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Brisbane Broncos

A still-drunk Brisbane side take on a still-shit Bulldogs team in what is destined to be a cracker of a match.  I’ll watch this one just to see Hodges have a vom after the first 10 minutes.  After that I probably won’t be too interested, to be honest.  Broncos by 8.

New Zealand Warriors vs Melbourne Storm

The Storm always struggle against the Warriors, from memory.  Whether it’s the players, the strategies, the defence, there’s just something about the Warriors that troubles the Storm.  Although I could be thinking of a different team in a different sport, or even a team that doesn’t actually exist.  It might be a video game or something.  Warriors by 13.

Cronulla Sharks vs St George Illawarra Dragons

I don’t care who wins this game, but I hope the Sharkies do, because I’ve tipped them.  I figure that the Dragons will have a million players out with injuries, suspensions and court appearances, so I’m giving the benefit of the doubt to the Cronullas.  Not by much though. 

Gold Coast Titans vs Manly Sea Eagles

Congrats to Manly for finally sneaking their way off the bottom of the ladder, and are now sitting pretty in third last position.  YAY!  They will continue their “winning” ways by putting it to the Titans, who will hopefully give Chery-Evans a shellacking for not following through with his contract deal… but then will probably be thankful that he didn’t sign with them because he’s a bit shit.  

NRL 2015 Round 17: Too much weekend, not enough footy

Another split round this week, which will no doubt throw up a whole bunch of questions, like:  Who the fuck will win this one? 

Actually, that’s pretty much my questioning each week, come to think of it.  It’s a pretty topsy-turvy kind of comp this year anyway, so throw in a handful of games without Origin players, and I’m fucking at sixes and sevens as to who to pick. 

Former NRL player Karmichael Hunt admitted this week that he (and a thousand of his team-mates) used speed and cocaine during the off-season (and probably the regular season, pre-season, post-season and every second Wednesday morning).  This has taken a shitload of heat off the current NRL players who are under investigation for using speed and cocaine, which is a welcome turn of events, and possibly the best thing that Hunt has done for the game.

Unfortunately there’s always a yang to someone else’s yin in this sport, and the Sydney Roosters have undone all of Karmichael’s good deeds and have brought rugby league into disrepute once again:

The Roosters were allowed to ask Bieber one question:  What's it like playing in front of a big crowd?

The NRL has announced that from the 2016 season, interchanges will be reduced from ten to eight per team in an effort to highlight athletic ability, increase unpredictability and entertainment, and to ensure that George Rose is never signed to another club again.  While I think that less interchanges is a good idea, it will bring about people milking injuries to get a “free” penalty sub, and will reduce the impact of the gigantic fucking behemoth props that are running around destroying everything in their path and turn everyone into second-rowers. 

Plus, there are a few other rule changes that I’d prefer to see – players need to take more onus on ball security.  Just because there’s a bloke tackling your arm doesn’t mean he’s trying to illegally rip it out of your fingers (unless he’s Michael Ennis).  There needs to be more action taking on ‘blocking’ when a high kick goes up; it’s like a fucking NFL defensive line at the moment, and there should be some fucking guy keeping his fucking eye on the fucking water runners and trainers who go out on the field.  The Broncos have employed Allan Langer as one of their water boys, so they give him a couple of Powerade bottles, tell him to stand behind the defensive line and he directs the players around the ground.  It’s no wonder that the Australian team keeps getting beaten – they have no idea what they’re doing when it isn’t being fed straight to them.  Langer isn’t the only one who does it, but there are trainers who spend more time on the field than the players.  In 2018, they might have to bring in a rule that requires two water-boy substitutions per game just to even things out.  

Round 17

Penrith Panthers vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Both of these teams need to get their fucking consistency in order.  I can’t rightly tip anyone with their current form.  But I can’t go past Souths based on last week – John Sutton ran the ball gloriously, and racked up more metres than the Employee of the Month at the ruler making factory. 

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

The Cowbs let through 24 unanswered points in the second half last week, derailing their 12-game unbeaten streak, and proving that they really do struggle without Johnathan Thurston.  However, the Red V are missing Dugan, Merrin and Frizzell (and probably a couple more), so anything – or nothing – could happen.  I’m going for the Dragoons, but I’m not confident.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Cronulla Sharks

I wish I could be decidedly average at my job and still get paid $10 million like the Manly half-line.  This will be their last chance to get any kind of form back – if you can’t beat Cronulla, what fucking good are you?

Wests Tigers vs Parramatta Eels

Well, the Eels get to do what no one thought would happen this year – play a team lower than them on the ladder.  And they fucking deserve to be there too; the Tiges are playing absolutely dog’s balls right now.  It’s a rare kind of thing to say, but I’m giving the Eels my “cannot possibly lose this one” stamp of approval this week.  Sure, that stamp didn’t work out too well last week, but I still believe in it.