NRL 2014: No Games This Weekend THANK GOD

With the ANZAC (kind of) Test match on tonight, it has been deemed sensible to cancel the rest of the regular NRL games this week, and it’s not a moment too soon, in my opinion.  What a clusterfuck this year has been so far – this might just give me enough time to get my tips in order, or for someone to find the Canberra Raiders, who last week were all kidnapped and replaced with pod people who looked quite similar to regular people, but lacked knowledge of how to possess the football, how to form a defensive line, and enjoyed looking decidedly aimless.

The last round of footy also saw twenty-five players added to the injury list, including Jarryd Hayne, James Maloney, Michael Jennings, Todd Carney, Jamie Lyon, Glenn Stewart and Braith Anasta.  Seriously, twenty-five players injured, and not one fuck to be given anywhere.

The ANZAC Test has caused a smidge of controversy with the Kiwis opting to pick a team full of people who have “heard about rugby league, but not seen it played as yet.”  The Australians decided to match the NZ team by picking players from the Melbourne Storm. 

In other sporting news from around the country, Geoff Huegill this week unveiled his weight-loss secret, while fellow swim star Stephanie Rice kept us on the edge of our seats by announcing her retirement.  I can’t wait to hear what she’s actually retired from, or which celebrity reality show she’ll be appearing on next.  Ian Thorpe has some kind of problem – X-Rays revealed his head has been too far up his own arse for too long, while Grant Hackett is struggling to stay relevant, so has opted to use the controversial Matthew Newton strategy to keep his name in the headlines. 

I wish I had some AFL news to report, but there’s still absolutely nothing happening in the game at all.  Possibly someone kicked a behind, I’m not sure.  I watched the AFL Footy Show last night, and all I could gather was that someone has been given the actual role within their team to sledge the opposition, and a ruckman is teaching another ruckman how to ruck.  Then the band Shepherd came on and I thought, “Oh yeah, I know them.”  Then I watched an episode of Archer that I had recorded the day before, and then I went to sleep.  Then Collingwood kicked another behind in the third.  

NRL 2014 Round 8: The Battle for the Front of the Back Page

What a week in all things rugby league!  As King Phil Gould would say:  WOW.

It has dead-set been a tremendous struggle to remain newsworthy this week for boofheads from all over the country (and a bit beyond).  Let's just go through some highlights:

The refs have seemingly all decided that the players of league are receiving far too much media attention, so have banded together to compete in the "Biggest Cock-Up of the Round" awards.  Notable nominations include "Let's Fuck the Cowboys... AGAIN!", "SirenGate", "Obstruction is in the Eye of the Beholder", as well as last week's effort of "Ummm... No Try?"

Benji Marshall is sick of being laughed at by pretty much everyone for being bad at rugby union.  Bad at rugby union?  I didn't think such a thing was possible.  I guess his kicking and clapping wasn't up to scratch.  So whatever "team" he was "playing" for has said, "Thanks tiger, but we've got someone who can clap way better than you, so you can just fuck off quietly."  Benj has since asked pretty much every team in the NRL (and possibly the Super League) if he can come and play for them.  If anyone was smart (and they're league players, so there's not a huge chance that smarts are going to play in this scenario), they would look at the Wests Tigers with Benji in 2013 (Played: heaps.  Won:  Dick all.  Lost:  Most) compared to the Wests Tigers now (Played: Seven.  Won:  More than last year already.  Lost:  Not as many as everyone thought, and are in fact in the top eight for the first time since about 2005).  Stats are my life.

It's just not looking that good for the ol' Benchi Marshall.  But that's probably because he's not as good as he thinks he is.

Glenn Stewart then decided that he was going to get in on some Sports pages action, and announced that he was leaving Manly at the end of the season to join Souths, citing some kind of salary cap shenanigans.  Glenn's brother Brett's only comment to the media was "Rats in the gas tank.  Boom boom!" from atop a water tower.

The Stewart brothers have also publicly announced that they would never play against each other if they were at rival clubs.  What a couple of fuckwits, seriously.

Then Brett got caught drink-driving the night after a massive bender, and no one cared.  Buddy Franklin thought he'd get in on the action and show everyone just how poorly one man can drive.  Well done, Buds, but that wasn't quite enough to cement your place in the Biggest Fuckwit in Footy This Week.  That award goes to Sonny Bill Williams (again), who has announced that he refuses to play in the ANZAC Test on Friday, because about five months ago, he was named in a story involving high-profile league players mixing Stillnox and Red Bull at the World Cup.

What a fucking dickwit, seriously.  Whatever respect anyone had for SBW should have just gone down the shitter.  Get over yourself, princess!  Of course, I'm not playing in the ANZAC Test because... well... no one asked me to, but I'm not carrying on like a pork chop because I've been denied an Australian jersey 34 years in a row.

Pffft.  The sooner Sonny fucks off to play union, the better.

Round 8

Some tricky games this week, as the Bunnies and the Roosters struggle to find form, despite being served up some rubbish opponents.  I'm hoping that the Chooks can hold off a pretty decent looking Dragons outfit, and the Storm to bounce back against the Warriors from their crushing defeat last week - it's impossible to pick what the Kiwis will do at all lately, although it's pretty clear that playing consistent football just isn't high on their list of priorities.

St George vs Sydney Roosters

Melbourne Storm vs New Zealand Warriors

Brisbane Broncos vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Cronulla Sharks vs Penrith Panthers

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Parramatta Eels

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Newcastle Knights

Wests Tigers vs Gold Coast Titans

Game of the Round

Manly Sea Eagles vs Canberra Raiders

Fuck it, I'm tipping the Raiders.  I know it hasn't always worked for me lately, to tip the team that I think will win, but I'm reckoning that their time to shine has arrived.  Especially considering that Kieran Foran is out with a dislocated hair follicle, and Glenn Stewart will be too busy "doing it for Brett" to play properly.  And it's Manly.  You just can't tip Manly.  

NRL 2014 Round 7: We don’t need no stinkin’ sirens

An interesting week of waiting for the next game of footy has almost passed us by, with several questions throwing themselves up like Blake Ferguson on a Friday night. 

Questions like “what was that siren-like noise?  It sounded like a siren.”  Usually, when the siren-like noise of a siren is heard, it indicates the end of the game.  Not so much for the Melbourne vs St George game on Monday night, when it just meant “next try wins!”  Melbourne scored in the following set of tackles (good try, too) to take the points, and the NRL looked into the matter and announced that the clock on the scoreboard, the watch on the referee’s wrist, and the full-time siren aren’t actually synched up.  I’ve pressed buttons on watches before; my watch was totally synched to the time of the bell all through school.  That way, I knew to the second how much longer I had to wait to get beaten up catch the school bus home so I could masturbate practice ninjitsu.  I would even go so far as to say that I would be happy to quit my job and be the official “guy who synchronises all of the time-pieces in the NRL.”  I'd be happy to quit my job entirely, to be perfectly Francis.  

Another question raised was “how rubbish is Ben Barba?”  To which the correct response is “as shit as Justin Hodges.”  They are a massive reason why I don’t like the Broncos, and another reason as to why the Broncos aren’t going so well.  I love it when a team’s “best player” comes back from injury and they look like they’ve never even seen a football before.  I swear, Hodgey was so off his game last Friday that he almost passed the ball.  He didn’t, don’t worry, but I think it crossed his mind.  Barba, on the other hand, is proving himself to be the league’s biggest waste of money.  I’ve got a funny feeling that ol’ Benny will be “injured” or “in rehab” in a few weeks – it’s just a bit lucky that the Broncos bought seventeen other fullbacks in the off-season.  It’s a perfect time to use the under-handed sledge “I may not be the best fullback in the NRL, but at least I’m the best fullback in my team” to him.  They probably won’t, but it would be worth a go.

Enough sensible talk, let’s get into the tipping:

Round 7

How weird is it that Gold Coast are still on top of the ladder?  It makes me feel a bit dirty.  I’m tipping them to stay there after this weekend, just quietly. The Dogs and the Rabbitohs game is giving me the ummmms and aaaaaahs, just quietly.  But since it’s Easter, I’m going with the Bunnies.  There’s some logic.  The Cowboys suck massive balls right now, so there’s that taken care of.  St George will be pissed off that they lost last week in controversial circumstances, so that will inspire theme to beat the Warriors.  No one cares about the Roosters or the Sharks, so don’t even bother tipping that match (for the record, I’ve gone for the Roosters, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see a MAHOOSIVE upset there).  Everyone’s favourite “Rags to Riches” teams in the Eels and the Tigers are battling it out, and it’s only the injuries to that spastic bloke I hate and their fullback who I like but he keeps hurting himself that are making me tip the Eels. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Newcastle Knights vs Brisbane Broncos

Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles vs North Queensland Cowboys

St George-Illawarra Dragons vs New Zealand Warriors

Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks vs Sydney Roosters

Parramatta Eels vs Wests Tigers

Penrith Panthers vs Gold Coast Titans

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Melbourne Storm

It’s probably time for the Raiders to bring in the “flood them with field goals” game plan I suggested last week, although the Storm haven’t been looking too good lately, so they might keep it hidden for the first 20 minutes.  With a terrible track record of playing at home, and an equally bad one when playing away, the Raiders don’t seem to have a lot going their way right now.  Maybe they should sack their coach?  Everyone loves a good coach sacking.  And hey, it worked wonders for the Eels to get rid of Sticky Stuart. 

Fuck it, I want the Raiders to win.  So I’m tipping Melbourne (trust me, it works).

Todd Carney cements his spot in the "NRL's biggest twat" nominations

NRL 2014 Round 6: Shut up, Robbie Farah. And spell your name with two R's; it would make it look better

Another splendid weekend of tipping saw me double my previous week’s efforts, to score a massive 2 from 8.  That gives me 3 from 16 for the fortnight.  And yet, I feel like I’m actually on par with the rest of the world.  You’re not; you’re like 30 points off the leader.  Fair enough, I never liked golf anyway.  I don’t trust the shoes.

In league this week, Beau Ryan made a joke about Jamie Soward on the Footy Show, which Jamie responded back to about how Beau Ryan should go back to reserve grade, so Robbie Farah decided to log into Twitter and give his eighteen cents.  I would advise anyone who has been a victim of cyber-bullying and has then been made an advocate for anti-dickhead behaviour, as Robbie Farah has been, that they should probably stop abusing other people on social media.  

Come on, Robert, don’t be the third man into a fight.  That’s Sam Thaiday’s job.

In other news, the Warriors fired coach Matt Elliot, bringing the total number of teams that have dumped him before his contract expired to:  All of them.

Round 6

This MUST be the time that sanity prevails in the NRL, so I’m just going to go with the favourites and hope to fuck that they win.  Stupid dickheads in the stupid dickheaded NRL.  There’s no way to properly tip anyone right now.  You just have to shrug, pick a team, grab some beers and swear at the tv a lot.

Penrith Panthers vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Gold Coast Titans vs Brisbane Broncos

Parramatta Eels vs Sydney Roosters

Wests Tigers vs North Queensland Cowboys

New Zealand Warriors vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles vs Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks

Melbourne Storm      vs St George-Illawarra Dragons

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Newcastle Knights

Canberra are obviously in a bit of trouble at the moment, sharing the cellar with the league’s whipping boys Melbourne, Nth Queensland and Souths.  In my opinion, the Raiders’ biggest problem is their inability to score points.  They can control the ball, they can win possession, they can have great field position, but they just don’t have a fucking clue as to how to score a try. 

My solution:  kick a field goal.  Just imagine, four minutes in, the Raiders have the ball thirty metres out from the Newcastle line.  Fifth tackle, the ball comes back to Terry Campese, who calmly slots a one-pointer.  1-0 Raiders. 

Knights kick off.  The Raiders grind it down to the Newcastle forty within five tackles.  On the last, Jack Wighton knocks over a field goal.  2-0 Raiders. 

Keep this going for the entire half, and they could be 20 points up.  By this stage, the Knights will be thinking, “Well fuck.  We should start trying to get to the kicker on the fifth tackle.  We don’t want to be 21 points behind.”  So they rush up on the first receiver on the fifth tackle.  It’s at this point that the receiver passes the ball to a runner, who takes advantage of the gaps that have appeared, and they miiiiiight just be able to streak in for a try.  If that doesn’t work, fuck it, just kick a field goal on the next set.  Think of the scorecard with Canberra winning 27-6, and not crossing the try line at all.  I have a field goal boner just thinking about it.  Do you get those a lot?  More than you know.

 

Fuck it, at the very least, it would stop the Raiders from just booting the ball straight to the fullback on every kicking option.

The Raiders cruelly lost star recruit Wesley Snipes to a season-ending ankle injury.  His flat-top is fine.

NRL Round 5: It just doesn’t make any sense

OH GOD MAKE IT STOP.  I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.

I don't know if "Good tipping" means the same in English as it does in whatever language this is written in.

So it’s fucking nonsense on stilts time in the NRL, is it?  Fine.  I can stilt-walk with the motherfucking most nonsensical of them all.  Let’s roll, bitches.

Round 5:

Why the fuck do fucking Brisbane get so many fucking Friday fucking night games?  Those fucks.  Just once, Channel 9, I’d like to enjoy my Friday night football without some fucking dickwit from Brissy fucking it up with his brazen ugliness.  Fucking fuck.

I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that the Dogs will roll the Rooters, who I still refuse to rate as a decent football team – their halves are the shittest thing ever.  Like, shitter than when you press too firmly onto your bread when you’re spreading butter, and it rips the bastard asunder, and your sandwich is fucked from then on in.  Mitch Pearce is the worst player ever, which is an achievement in itself when you think about the other people in his like Shaun Kenny-Dowell and James Maloney, who probably needs to stop thinking about the time he got caught having a wank and became a Footy Show legend, and practice kicking the fucking ball.  Stupid dickhead Roosters.  Despite all that, I’m tipping them.  My unique plan last week to tip the winners didn’t work, so I'm mixing it up this time.

Everyone else had better turn up – I’m looking at you, Souths, Melbourne and Cowboys. 

The only game of any interest is whether Cronulla can get off their duck for the season with a win over the Warriors.  If there’s a team who can pull off a complete turn-around in form in one week, it’s our cousins from over the creek.  I am so glad I’m not a Warriors fan sometimes (most times) – at least supporting the Raiders you usually know what you’re going to get from them (consistent inconsistency) which is more consistent than being so inconsistently consistent like the Warriors.  They’d better win though, or I’ll make Lote Tuquiri play for them.  I have a funny feeling the Bunnies will no longer be requiring his services.  Hanging onto him would be like being cured of the Ebola virus, then thinking, “Actually, the intolerable pain, gaping gangrenous wounds and imminent death were kind of fun.  I’d like that again please!” and then drinking a mosquito and maggot milkshake (or however you get the Ebola virus.  I don’t know, I’m not a scientician, I just like milkshakes).  

Sydney Roosters vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Brisbane Broncos vs Parramatta Eels

Cronulla Sharks vs New Zealand Warriors

St George Illawarra Dragons vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans

Wests Tigers vs Manly Sea Eagles

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Newcastle Knights

Game of the Round

Penrith Panthers vs Canberra Raiders

I hope no one is lactose intolerant in this game, as it’s a battle of dairy: the OAK Panthers vs the Canberra Lime Milk Raiders.  I would also hope that if you were lactose intolerant, you wouldn’t chug a litre of milk before running out to spend the next 80 minutes being smashed around by thirteen dickheads on a field.  It would get messy and I doubt you’d make many friends.

The Raiders hit their straps last week by crushing heavyweights South Sydney without even breaking a sweat, while the Panthers lost to some fucking idiots.  I can’t even remember who they played, that’s how good that game was.  But they lost. 

There’s absolutely no reason why either of these teams should win – it’s one of those games where one of them is going to win by at least 30 points, and it could quite easily be either team.  If it’s not, it will probably be Penrith.  Stay in school, kids.

It's funny that Todd Carney needs to announce when he doesn't get "in no fights"

NRL 2014 Round 4: McWarning

Round three saw a handful of upsets and a couple of statements of “are you fucking serious?” about the rest of the scorelines.  The Bunnies were brought down to earth by the Tigers, the Raiders made sure they didn’t get too carried away by their round two victory by losing their game against the Titans, and Manly beat motherfucking Parramatta after the motherfucking siren.  Four seconds previously, the Eels were winning.  THINK ABOUT THAT.  There are teenagers alive today who have never known the Eels to be ahead in any sense of the word.

The big news of the week was the story of Knights player Alex McKinnon, who was taken in an awkward tackle by Melbourne player Jordan McLean, and subsequently placed in an induced coma following the revelation that he’s broken his neck.  There’s no joke in this paragraph, I’m just recapping the week’s main story.  I think we can safely assume that McKinnon’s career has come to an abrupt halt, and I’m going out on a limb to say that McLean may not want to come back to play again either; it’s not every day that you break a man’s neck in a tackle.  Especially one that two other boofy blokes were involved in, and while it wasn’t the world’s best tackle, it certainly wasn’t the worst I’ve seen either, and probably didn’t deserve to end two careers.  Bad week for people with a Mc in their surname, huh?  My Scottish cousin Mishter Evil McBreakfasht is in some shit though.

Enough of that though, let’s tip some games.

Round 4

Honestly, after three rounds you’d expect to have some kind of idea about what’s going on this season, wouldn’t you?  Not this year, fuck no.  The teams that are rubbish are beating the teams that are good, the teams that are good aren’t actually good, the shit ones are, and the others are undecided, except for a few who are shit, have been shit and will always be shit.  And then there’s fucking Manly.  It’s all fucked, and it’s starting to hurt my brain.

Roosters v Manly is a dead-set nut scratcher, and you have to work out why God would allow such a thing to happen.  A team with Mitchell Pearce in it should never win, especially when he links up with Shaun Kenny-Dowell and Sonny Bill Williams.  But when they play the Sea Eagles, there’s really nothing else you can do but curl up in a ball and rock yourself to sleep.

Somehow the Dragons have managed to scrape three wins together so far this year, with the Broncs dropping just one game, despite being the team that has officially raised my eyebrows the most this season.  I can’t argue with my eyebrow surprise, so they’re getting my pick to disrupt the Dragons’ run.  Also, Josh Dugan is threatening to return this weekend, so that will force a reshuffle for the Saints’ backline when he leaves the field with an injury after fifteen minutes.

Battle of the Fuck Knows? goes to the battle between the Tigers and the Warriors this week.  Actually, that will be the Battle of the Fucks Knows and Fuck Cares.  Not me.  But the Tigers, simply because I have to tip someone.

Despite the Eels’ performance last weekend (they still didn’t win), I don’t think they have it in them to knock off the Penny Panthers, who I reckon will be dark horses (not literally, you dickheads) to sneak into the top four.

The Doggies are hosting the Storm in Perth, which which will suit the Storm, as they’re used to playing in half-empty stadiums where the spectators don’t understand the game they’re watching.  If Cooper Cronk can get his mind off the news that Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have split up, and what this means for Coldplay and Gwynny’s blog, they should go a long way to winning this one.

The Knights vs the Sharks game is threatening to be pretty exciting as well, as these two teams of extraordinary athletes go head to head in what will surely be a highlight reel extravaganza of… I can’t do it.  This game will be fucked, and is an unofficial challenge to work out just who is the shittest team in the NRL right now.  I’m going for the Sharkies, even though the Knights team will be “doing it for Alex.”  Sometimes just because you really want to win, it doesn’t mean that you will.  Otherwise I would have won Lotto heaps and Natalie Portman and Emma Stone would be popping over for a coffee in the morning.

Finally, we’ve got the Titans and the Cowboys; one of whom scored an upset victory, and the other was upset last week.  I was also upset – not only did both of these dickhead teams ruin my tips, but I also ripped a hole in the bottom off my shoe, and then my foot got wet and I had to spend the whole day with a cold, wet sock.  It was fucked, man. 

Roosters vs. Sea Eagles

Dragons vs. Broncos

Warriors vs. Tigers

Eels vs. Panthers

Bulldogs vs. Storm

Knights vs. Sharks

Titans vs. Cowboys

Game of the Round

Rabbitohs vs. Raiders

Both of these teams lost last week to teams that they would normally have on a crumpet, but they got done because they’re dickheads.  They also managed to injure a few key players, just for good measure.  The Bunnies did manage to get George Burgess off a shitty tackle charge (somehow – I’m not suggesting anything, but I have it on good advice that Mrs Burgess may have performed some sexual acts on several members of the judiciary), so they’ve got that going for them. 

Fuck it, the entire Rabbitohs team could be ruled out, and Russell Crowe had to play each position, and the Raiders still wouldn’t fucking win.  But I still love them.  Why is it always the pretty ones?

NRL 2014 Round 3: My head hurts

Breaking news from the NRL this week came in the form of a new rule that if a player is concussed, they need to harden up take a break for a week and have some diagnostic tests done by the marketing manager a doctor before playing again.  This comes after players such as Ian “Have I Mentioned Lately That I’m Gay?  Well, I’m Gay” Roberts and Mario “what?” Fenech came out with the shocking revelations that they have forms of brain damage due to having constantly damaged their brains while playing footy.

I am not a football player (they won’t let me due to my extreme awesomeness, plus my hatred for Todd Carney), but I have been knocked out a few times - more if you include the times when alcohol was involved – and I’ve found that the whole ‘falling over when you’re standing still’ effect of a concussion should probably be enough of a sign that you shouldn’t be in a huge rush to get back on the field so you can run headlong into a 110kg bloke who’s running headlong into you at the same time. 

But that’s just me.  Honestly, I’m just not sure how this is even an issue in 2014 where coaches, managers and trainers haven’t been given a swift arse-kicking for plonking some bloke back in the game after he copped a face-full of some other dickhead’s head, just in case he’s able to fall over the try-line because the crowd, the sponsors and the management would prefer that Favourite Player #1 gets the points over Replacement Player #3.  Because, let’s be Francine with each other here, if that malarkey keeps going, Favourite Player #1 might not be around as long as he could be. 

Am I getting too serious here, or is it just me?  It’s Friday, it’s been a long week.  Piss off. 

Round 3

For most of the games this week, it appears fairly cut’n’dry with who to tip, with the exception of the Broncs vs the Rooters and the Penny Panthers vs the Doggies.  And I’ll throw in Sharkies and the Dragons too, just because they Sharks are playing shit and the Dragons are playing well, but that situation is about ready to switch itself around.

West Tigers vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Brisbane Broncos vs Sydney Roosters

Penrith Panthers vs Canterbury Bulldogs...

Cronulla Sharks vs St George Illawarra

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs New Zealand Warriors

Manly Sea Eagles vs Parramatta Eels

Melbourne Storm vs Newcastle Knights

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Gold Coast Titans

Round Three sees the Raiders at home for the first time in 2014, and the unveiling of the new GIO Stadium (sign).  The Titans have been traditionally rubbish so far this year, while the Green Machine have been in pretty decent form against two top-eight teams from last year.  As long as no one gets complacent (although I wouldn’t put complacency about making the grand final past the Raiders after a close loss and a close win), the mighty lads from our nation’s capital should notch up a tidy victory.  Pop a $5 on Edrick Lee to cross for a couple.  

NRL Round 2: How to Make the NRL Better

ERMAGHERD Round 1 was bloody brilliant – it had it all: big hits, controversy, Geoff Toovey having a sook, upsets, big wins, debuts, comebacks and resurgences.  It’s just a pity that no one was around to witness any of it.  Crowds were waaaaay down, and the games weren’t even that shit.  Not that I really watched much, I was too busy fighting crime, pirating the seven seas and making raucous love to beautiful women. MEB, you were home alone, dressing your cat up in a tutu.  Well there was that as well.  The main point is that I was drunk.

Here are a few things you can blame the current lack of interest in rugby league on:

1.  The Footy Show

The year’s first episode was a fucking dismal disaster in all senses of the word.  I was on the internet expressing my displeasure in it immediately.  The show seems to be aimed at 15-year old kids, with its rap video parodies and constantly out-dated pop culture references.  I understand that the Footy Show was on prior to any football actually being played, so we must beg the question:  Why was it even on in the first place?  If Channel 9 were so adamant that Australia (and England, Ireland, NZ and PNG) needed a dose of Fatty Vautin being cut off by Michael Slater, while Erin Molan speaks over the top of them to have a private-yet-entirely-filmed conversation with Beau Ryan, and Darryl Brohmann wondering why he’s even there, they should have made it an hour-long preview of 2014, looking at the pre-season games, the signings, the leavings and the prospects of each team.  With the right people, a dose of professionalism and less masturbation jokes, it could be funny, entertaining, informative and actually about rugby league.

2.  Scrums

I have always been a fan of the rugby league scrum.  It gets the forwards out of the way and allows the outside backs to show their skills and speed.  Unfortunately, the forwards aren’t allowed to contest a scrum anymore, and the half-back doesn’t even need to bother putting the ball in – something to do with a bunch of lesbians complaining that it hurts their backs if people push in a scrum, AKA you’re doing it wrong. 

Scrums now are made up of six random blokes who just happened to be in the vicinity.  I think I saw a trainer and the touch judge pack in for the Roosters last year.  So we have a case of a winger fitting in at lock, with a centre and a hooker in the second row, with the half-back at hooker, between a five-eighth and one prop up front.  This means there’s a second-rower standing at first receiver, which means that they’re just going to run into the defensive line.  BORING.  If you aren’t going to scrum down, do a fucking line-out or something that will require a bit of practice, add a new element to the game and get rid of the dead weight that are a blight on the game.

3.  Stop the clock

Too much faffing about takes place when the ball is out of play and the clock keeps ticking.  Simple rule here, dickheads – if the ball isn’t dead, the clock isn’t either.  If the average punter coughing up about $30 to get into the ground, he shouldn’t have to pay to watch some fuckwit line up a penalty kick.  If he wanted to watch teams standing around looking at a kicker, he would have gone to the union.  Then he would have died of boredom.

4.  Too many dickheads

It’s an ongoing saga, this one.  Too many fuckwits in the game being fuckwits and fuckwitting it up for those who aren’t fuckwits.  Let’s just stop the fuckwits before they get into the game.  Let’s not pay them millions of dollars to be fuckwits.  Let’s not elevate them above the rest of the non-fuckwit society.  Let’s have a salary cap on fuckwit tattoos.  Let’s just stop the fuckwits.  Tony Abbott needs to get onto that.

5.  Contracts

Andrew Fafita began Round 1 as a Shark and finished it as a Bulldog.  How can this shit happen?  It’s fine for a team to get players when they have finished their contract, but maybe they should just keep it under wraps that in 2015, they’ll have a brand new prop forward.  We’re trying to build some kind of non-fuckwitted supporter base here; we’re trying to pretend that people in the team like each other and get on well professionally.  As a fan, it’s just a bit shit to be supporting a player who announces IN ROUND ONE that he’s leaving the club.  Unless it’s Todd Carney, then everyone is happy. 

Round 2

The Broncos surprised everyone last week by playing well, something that hasn’t happened since 1989, so I’m banking on them doing it again this week.  Especially since I don’t really like the Cowboys.  Am I alone in that?  I don’t even know why.  Probably because of Jonathan Thurston.  Actually, definitely because of that.

I’m tipping Souths, because they’re against Manly.  Dur. 

St George are at HUGE odds against the Warriors, for some ungodly reason.  The Warriors are rubbish, and even more rubbish against the Saints, which makes them super rubbish, because the Saints are rubbish themselves.  Still, I’m tipping them. 

The only game to really scratch my balls about this week is the Dogs vs the Sharks.  In the end, I decided that I didn’t care, and just tipped the lads from the Shire.  Sometimes when your head says “fuck that, let’s go to the pub” and your heart tells you “my shout”, you just have to listen to reason.

Manly Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Brisbane Broncos vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

New Zealand Warriors vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Melbourne Storm vs Penrith Panthers

Sydney Roosters vs Parramatta Eels

Gold Coast Titans vs Wests Tigers

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Cronulla Sharks

Game of the Round

Newcastle Knights vs Canberra Raiders

This game kept me up all night.  No it didn’t.  You stayed up playing Candy Crush.  AND FLAPPY BIRD!

I want Canberra to win this game (I’d like them to win every game, let’s be honest), but for some reason the Knights always manage to ruin that dream.  Actually, most teams the Raiders play ruin that dream, but losing to the Knights always seems to hurt more, because they’re the sort of team that you really should beat.  Maybe that’s how every other team feels when they lose to the Raiders?  This shit has just gone meta.  Anyway, as much as I was impressed by the ol’ Canberra spark last week, I just can’t find it within my cold, dead heart to back them this week.  Sorry lads.  Prove me wrong.  You’re wrong.  Fuck off, internal voice. No.

NRL Round 1 2014: The cricket season is over

The cricket season came to a crashing end last night/this morning (depending on your commitment to following a slow, yet intriguing day of test match cricket from South Africa), and what better way to celebrate an historic 2-1 series victory for the Aussies (thank fuck that Dale Steyn was injured for the last game, amirite eh eh eh?) than to get into a bit of rugby fucking league?

Let’s be honest here – it will be the same major players this year as it has been for the last few.  Roosters, Souths, Melbourne and possibly Canterbury and North Queensland, depending on how much cheating and drugs the Doggies can get away with, and the kind of form that Thurston is in for the Cowbs following his Origin kick.  Everyone else can probably just put their season away now and say, “Well, we tried our best,” even if that's a big, fat lie.  

For once, the NRL season launch went off without complaint, arrest and ongoing investigations.  One reason this happened was the NRL’s choice of “Face of the Game” which was Anthony Minichello, a player who most people think retired about four years ago.  Congrats, Mini.  You’re still alive.

Mister Evil Breakfast’s 2014 Predictions

Traditionally, I’ve been like a John Edwards/Dynamo hybrid with just how spot-on my thoughts on the upcoming season will be.  Let’s rub the crystal ball again and see what the future will bring:

• Souths will win the comp, even though they probably had a better year last year.  They’ll beat Manly in the grand final, and everyone will be happy.  The Burgess boys will all get into shit this year, and follow Sam into rugby. 

•  Isaac Luke will annoy too many people and will cop a big ban for doing some stupid tackles that end some poor bastard’s career.

• Soward and Wallace won’t gel in the Penrith half line, and Sowie will probably retire halfway through the season, citing, “I’m not playing with that fuckwit anymore.” 

• Chris Sandow will claim that his off-field issues are affecting his on-field performance which will be news to most of the punters, who reckon he’s having “a pretty good year.”

• Josh Papalli will get into some trouble with drinking, drugs and violence, and may also have some drama off-field.  Calls to reinstate Dave Furner as Raiders’ head coach will begin after Round 4.

• Ben Barba will be injured for most of the year, but will be pretty happy to pick up his weekly pay packet, having seen how well it works for Josh Dugan and Shane Watson. 

• The Dogs will perform as averagely as they have for a while, but it’s kind of what we’ve come to expect.  Who do they even have on their team?  Terry Lamb?  Hasim el Masri?  One of the Mortimers?  Fuck it, I don’t know.

• Josh Dugan will most likely fuck up due to drugs and alcohol, and will enter into a rehabilitation centre for 20 minutes and become reborn.  Again.  At the rate of Duges’ rebirths lately, he is on track to be the next Dalai Lama. 

•  The Cowboys will do alright again, even though JT really only tries to play well during Origin season. 

•  Steve Matai will retire and be a major player in a badly-thought-out Australian WWE contest.  He will then move onto the third incarnation of Gladiators.  Then he’ll come out of retirement and play league again, but will finish his career at the Titans. 

•  Hopefully Greg Bird gets suspended for being a dick, or contracts scurvy or something.  I just don’t like him and think he’d fit in quite well playing rugby union so I don’t have to watch him.

•  The Warriors will go quite strongly during the middle part of the year while everyone else is interested in Origin, and will sneak into contention for the top eight, just like they do every year.  But then they’ll suck and won’t make it.

•  The Sharkies will find strength from their previous kerfuffles with drugs and dodgy coaches and horse tranquilizers and Asian midget prostitutes and stick together for another dose of “fuck it” football.  When the entire team is playing individually so they can catch the eye of another club, it makes everyone perform better.

•  Slater will succumb to an injury that he describes as being like “a crowbar hit across the back of the head” and spend a few months on the sideline having VB cans lobbed at him by me.

SO MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

Here’s Round 1 in a nutshell.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Sydney Roosters

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Brisbane Broncos

Penrith Panthers vs Newcastle Knights

Manly Sea Eagles vs Melbourne Storm

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Wests Tigers

Parramatta Eels vs New Zealand Warriors

Cronulla Sharks vs Gold Coast Titans

Game of the Round

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Canberra Raiders

While a few games in this round are a bit “maybe Team A, maybe Team B,” this match is pretty simple.  Hopefully the Raiders turn up warm and ready to go, because come kick-off, they’ll need to be flexible enough to bend over and grab their ankles for a full 80-minutes. 

The warm weather of North Queensland will only add to the debauchery that will ensue.  Poor Raiders.  

TGIF, amirite?

"I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

and oldie but a goodie

I used to be a kleptomaniac but I took something for it.

clever htinking

If you ever run out of toothpaste, just put a layer of fake tan onto your skin.  It will make your teeth seem whiter than ever!

I don't have enough doe

You know what’s deer?  Venison.

Bing

I love the word "frequently" and so I try to use it as much as possible.

Personal challenges

Whenever I have to sign for anything - whether it's a delivery, a credit card or one of those novelty, over-sized birthday cards that goes around the office every so often, I try to steal the pen that the person gave me to sign it with.

So far, I have three.  Fuck off, I never said I was good at it.

Pilates

The only reason I would join a pilates class is so I would be able to get my wallet out of my back pocket in the McDonalds Drive-Thru a lot easier.

This actually happened to me today

I was walking through Big W on my lunch break today, and I had four people ask me where things were. I explained to them all that I did not work there. Two people apologised, one said, "You should work here, then you could help me, because I can't find anything in this shop," and the fourth one advised me that I shouldn't go into Big W if I'm wearing a blue shirt. 

I told them that I was actually in there to buy a different coloured shirt, but kept being interrupted by other customers that I hadn't had time to get one yet. She advised that I should also get a different tie, because it wouldn't look good on a red shirt. I told her that I was going to buy a black shirt, which she thought was a better idea (phew), and then I proceeded to tell her about how I usually take a short-cut through David Jones to get back to work, and how I was now going to have to go the long way so people didn't mistake me for a David Jones employee if I was in the store with a black shirt on, which meant I was going to have to walk past the Cancer Council desk, and every time I walk past them, they talk to me and suck me in and make me feel guilty for not donating money, and I feel obligated to give them an ongoing monthly (tax deductible) donation of $28 per month, which I normally keep going for three months before cancelling it.

I explained that I didn't really have that kind of expendable cash right now, to be spending over $100 on a shirt that I didn't really want. I was kind of hoping that she'd give me some money, but she didn't. She just patted me on the arm and walked away.

 Big W didn't have what I wanted, by the way. I did manage to track down an employee, and she said, "No, we don't have that."

 It was still a pretty good lunch break though.

Mis-en-scene

Poor people in movies always have clean houses with flowers and framed pictures. We only know they’re really poor because the curtains are grey.

So evil

I think a good supervillain would be if someone had a ute or a truck, but they never helped their friends move house.

Peanut

I just wish someone could explain peanut allergies to me in a nutshell.