NRL 2013 Round 10: Did you see the size of that chicken?

If it didn’t mean that my glorious reign in the mid-3,000s in a 67,000-strong tipping competition was over (now I’m in the 12,000s), I would still be laughing at the outcomes of last week’s games.  The Upset-A-Tron NRL 2000^TM was in fine form last week, as the Parramattas beat the Brisbanes and the Storm took advantage of the situation to play another round of “we’re definitely not going to underestimate the team that we’re playing this week after underestimating the team we played last week and were beaten because we played like shit.”  There were other games that didn’t go my way either, but I didn’t really care about them.  When Brisbane loses, everything else just kind of fades into the background and you’re left with a happy little cloud of angry Queenslanders.  Good times, man.  Justin “Marshmallow” Hodges also succumbed to an injury and won’t play this week.  Hodges’ horror run of injury coincides with Brisbane’s shit form, upcoming Origin appearances and a hopeful appearance in the next Celebrity Splash comp.  Hodgey is injured so often that he has received a few words of advice from Australian cricketers.

This week, Josh Dugan officially became a St George Illawarra Steel Dragon.  He is basically the only person excited by this news, as it means that he can now stop pretending to apply for jobs and can get off the dole.  It’s basically a win-win situation for the Saints – if “the Dugan experiment” works, hooray, and if not, they were fucked without him anyway. 

The Panthers are in a whole world of trouble right now, after realising that absolutely no one in the world likes them.  They offered Todd Carney money to take up a contract, and he said, “Yeah nah” so they took that money to Johnathan Thurston and he said, “Yeah nah.”  Seriously, two of the biggest moneywhores in the world don’t want to be associated with the club – there’s gotta be something going on.  I blame Phil Gould’s “hair.”

Round Ten:

Broncs v Titans?  Fucking hell, what a waste of a game.  For one; they are both playing like rubbish, and two – they’re both full of fucking Queenslanders.  There will be so much spitting going on on the field that the first three rows of spectators will drown.  Then again, those spectators are more than likely to be from Queensland too.  Play on!  I’m tipping the Titans for no other reason than I don’t really like Allan Langer.

The Bunnies should destroy the Tigers, who have taken a bold strategy of benching their “best” player.  Whether or not Benji Marshall starts on the field or takes to the field fifteen minutes later is absolutely inconsequential, and let’s be honest, a waste of an interchange. 

Broncos vs  Titans

Rabbitohs vs Tigers

Dragons vs Eels

Panthers vs Warriors

Cowboys vs Roosters

Knights vs Bulldogs

Storm vs Sea Eagles

Game of the Round:

Sharks vs Raiders

Last week, the Raiders put Newcastle away like you would with some red-headed stepchildren.  After 20 minutes, things looked a bit dire for the Greenery Machinery though, as the Knights put on three tries.  Then the Raiders turned up, thanked the cheerleaders for filling in while they were at the pub, and went about destroying the “boys” from Newcastle like they fucking well should have.  Any team that still puts Kurt Gidley in their line-up deserves to be whacked.  “We’ve got Danny Buderus coming back from injury soon too” crowed their coach.  “Unfortunately, our time machine back to 2003 is still a few weeks off.”

Last year, the Raiders put away a fairly tidy Cronulla side, most notable for the arrival of big Josh Papalii, who skull fucked Paul Gallen from here to somewhere else.  Gall was his usual humble self, claiming that Papalii king-hit him in a few tackles, held him out of the play, snuck horse tranquilizers into his mouth in the scrum, and inferred that he has been having sexual relations with his mother for quite some time.  Since returning from injury (last week), Papalii has played out of his skin.  Another clash between two big hitters (and by that I mean Josh Papalii’s left and right arms) is on the cards, and my money goes quite deservedly to the Canberra lads. 

Also, because Todd Carney is a fucking fuck.

Possibly the most useless photograph ever taken

NRL 2013: Round 9 - That part of the season where nobody cares

Ah Round 9.  It's a few weeks out from the naming of the State of Origin teams, which pretty much means that nobody gives a flying rats' about the general week-to-week of whom is playing who.  A typical water cooler conversation (fuck I want a water cooler in my office; I would totally never leave it.  Water coolers are the best - it's not the water that I love, it's the tiny little cups) after this weekend will go like this:
"Did you see the footy on Friday?"
"Yeah, nah. Who won?"
"The C--"
"I reckon Carney for Origin."
"He broke his le--"
"He is playing real well.  Yeah.  Carney.  No question."

And then when Carney isn't named in the team (please please please please please), that bloke will be the first to be screaming blue murder (sounds an odd thing to scream, but I heard it was big in the 1800s) that Carney was robbed of his rightful Origin jersey and blah blah blah racism blah blah give a bloke a chance blah blah fallen fucking angel blah blah strippers and coke.  Ignore the fact that Carney has a broken leg (and zero skill) though. 

For the record, no one should play for NSW this year.  They should just cancel it for a bit and let us prepare a bit more.  In all seriousness though, I think this year is a good chance for the Blues to sneak in a victory - QLD definitely aren't as good as they used to be - Slater is a fucking muppet, Thurston is rubbish, Cam Smith is getting by purely on reputation, their forwards are all potatoes and they keep picking Justin Hodges.  The only decent player they've got is Inglis, and half the time he doesn't really look like he wants to be there either.  Probably because Thurston's on the team. 

In news that does have something to do with football, Josh "Duges" Dugan has signed with St George.  Hooray.  I was getting worried about Duges.  I actually sent him a tweet today, but I haven't received anything back yet.

Today actually is Josh Dugan's birthday

Round 9

This round I'm tipping (hoping) for the Tigers to continue their run of shitness.  If Benji Marshall has been named in the team, there's an excellent chance of that happening.  The Titans will piss on the Dragons' "Let's Welcome Josh Dugan to the Club" party, and the Storm should put about 40 on the Penriff Panfers, who somehow found a few million to throw at Todd Carney.  Todd Carney somehow said, "Yeah nah" and didn't sign with them.  It might have something to do with his broken leg.  Manly and the Roosters can just fucking murder each other, I don't give a shit.  As long as there are no survivors.

Rabbitohs vs Cowboys

Tigers vs Sharks

Warriors vs Bulldogs

Eels vs Broncos

Titans vs Dragons

Panthers vs Storm

Sea Eagles vs Roosters

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Knights

Yep, those sneaky Raiders did it again last week - being good when no one was really expecting it in upsetting Melbourne for the third time in as many games.  That officially makes the Storm the Raiders' gimme game, along with St George.  And Parra, but Parra games are gimme games for everyone.  Except Parra.

The Raiders have a fucking shithouse record against the Knights, but Newcastle are threatening to play Kurt Gidley, which really brings Canberra back into the comp.  After a gutsy win last week (I have no idea what Newcastle did though, sorry), I can't help but back the Raiders all the way to the bank. 

Canberra by a bit. 

PS.  Sorry about the thing last week about the Raiders having a blue shirt.  They didn't.  But I definitely saw it somewhere.

NRL 2013 Round 8: Rugbyleaguegate

Welcome once again to Friday, which means that Channel 9 are contractually obliged to show you games involving the Tigers and the Bulldogs.  Tonight’s game is the Bulldogs hosting the Tigers.  If either team was playing well, that would be a coup.  As it is, it will just become something to have on in the background after the Brisbane and Souths game while you wash the dishes, or drink beer, or drink the dishwater, or wash the beer or do whatever the hell it is that you do on a Friday night after 9:30ish. 

Last week’s round saw the usual dickheads suspended (Steve Matai again – sometimes I think that ol Steve lives a double life as a superhero, and needs to take a few weeks off every so often to do some interstellar travel to fight aliens from destroying the universe, but then I realise that if he was a superhero, he’d probably be way better at football, and would definitely pick a secret identity who wasn’t a complete cocksmoker) and injured (Justin Hodges, whose experiment to replace hamstrings and muscle tissue with a My Kitchen Rules inspired chocolate and fairy floss ganache has gone awry), with a bit of a flipper being thrown in the mix with Andrew “I’m Nimortal!” Johns being questioned over his involvement in some spaff between two dipshits with too much money and a horse that escaped from the dog food factory.  For any kids reading this, that means that the horse worked at the dog food factory as a Chief Financial Officer and looked after some very important accounts.  For the adults reading this, it means that dog food is made out of shitty horse meat.  To be honest, I’m pretty sure no one in Australia gives a fuck what the Waterhouses and the Singletons of this world are doing with their race horses, and would just prefer them all to fuck right off.  At least with all this wankery, the Australian media hasn’t had their usual knee-jerk reaction and donked a “gate” on the end of the story to sensationalise it again.  “Waterhousegate” sounds a bit shit. 

On the subject of the “gate” phenomenon, shouldn’t the Watergate scandal have been called “Watergategate”?

Round Eight:

I reckon this weekend’s games will go pretty much to plan – Souths to use their better size, speed and skills to get over Brisbane, Parramatta will continue sucking, Cronulla will consider getting back on the roids after another loss, and the Roosters will keep beating up small children under the guise of being a successful team.  That was a metaphor.  Although it wouldn’t surprise me if at least a few of the Chooks hadn’t dropped an elbow on a couple of ten year olds.  That wasn’t a metaphor.

Brisbane Broncos vs South Sydney Burgesses

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Wests Tigers

Parramatta Eels vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

New Zealand Warriors vs Gold Coast Titans

Newcastle Knights vs Cronulla Sharks

Sydney Roosters vs Penrith Panthers

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Manly Sea Eagles

Game of the Round:

Melbourne Storm vs Canberra Raiders

Well the Raiders certainly were shit last week.  The Storm, on the other hand, were pretty fucking good.  The Raiders have lost Jarrod Croker to injury.  The Storm, on the other hand, don’t have any players missing.  The Raiders are trialling a new blue top.  The Storm, on the other hand, will keep their usual purple and yellow and shit thing going.  The Raiders are languishing near the bottom end of the ladder.  The Storm, on the other hand, are at the top.

Weighing this up, one hand is way heavier than the other (and has purple).  Can’t beat a purple hand.  I think that was a metaphor.  Storm by a thOUsand.

First kisses can be awkward.  Especially when someone else is hugging their bum.

NRL 2013 Round 7: Sweeping up the Anzac crumbs

The ANZAC Test and City vs Country match last weekend gave a well-earned couple of days off for punters and shitty blog writers (or both!), with Australia skipping away with a win on Friday night against the Kiwis, and… nope, fucked if I know who won on Sunday.  

The New Zealanders looked into it up to their earholes in the first half, and had a couple of things gone their way could have taken a lead after the first 40 minutes.  However, a quick visit by Steve Denk in the sheds gave the Australians a bit of a boost, and they put on about a thousand points in the second to take home the trophy (if there was one).  

From watching the match on Friday night, it dawned on me that there’s probably a few dickheads wearing the green and gold who are there because they had a good year in 2007, or were touted as “future Kangaroo captains” when they were seventeen, and not because they deserve to represent their country.  

Jon Thurston needs to have a good, hard look (and laugh) at himself.  His form for the Cowboys has been poor lately, and his Australian form even worse.  If the Kiwis could have put a full-strength team together (any team with Shaun Kenny-Dowell in it is never going to be full-strength), Thursty might have been shown up worse than he was.

Justin Hodges is still eighteen shades of rubbish.  How the hell other teams haven’t worked out that he isn’t going to pass the ball unless he’s absolutely positive that he isn’t going to score is beyond me.  Just tackle the fucking fuck.

The phrase “Greg Bird, Australian representative” makes me laugh until I realise that it’s a true thing, and then I can’t stop crying.  I know Australia has a reputation of putting some “hard men” in the second row to be “enforcers” or some such bullsh!t, but can’t we find some enforcing hard blokes who aren’t complete fucking numpties to fill the slot?  

Darius Boyd isn’t entirely a dickhead, or even underperforming… but surely there are other wingers in the comp who are just plain better that Darius?  Nathan Merritt comes to mind.  Actually, anyone not called Darius comes to mind.

FUCKWIT WATCH 

Canberran day-time night-club goers were shocked to see former Raiders player Josh Dugan allegedly involved in an alleged assault following an alleged verbal stoush whilst allegedly drinking at the alleged wake of an alleged friend, as reports are unconfirmed that anyone would actually be Dugan’s friend.  The incident has left the alleged victim with a broken eye socket, but he is allegedly not pressing charges due to the alleged payout that Dugan gave him to shut the fuck up.  Allegedly, St George are reconsidering their offer to recruit the former Origin rep, but have allegedly said, “Fuck, we really don’t have a choice, do we?”  

Round 7 games 

There have been some sleepless nights lately – nothing to do with this week’s NRL games, just a bout of insomnia.  But that’s not to say that a few of this week’s games aren’t harder to pick than a new tattoo on Josh Dugan – none moreso than the top(ish) of the table clash between the Bunnies and the Manlies.  I’ve opted for the Bunnies – not only do I quite like them, I quite dislike the Sea Eagles.  As long as Geoff Toovey is involved, I will never be a fan.  And Daly Chery-Evans has a haircut that is at least twice as stupid as his name.  

Sydney Roosters vs St George Illawarra Dragons
Melbourne Storm vs New Zealand Warriors
Manly Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs 
Wests Tigers vs Brisbane Broncos 
Gold Coast Titans vs Newcastle Knights 
Cronulla Sharks vs Canterbury Bulldogs 
Penrith Panthers vs Parramatta Eels 

GAME OF THE ROUND 

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Canberra Raiders 

I’m going to cross my lime-green fingers that the Cowboys continue to be terrible, and that the Raiders continue to opt to lead a match around about the 80th minute mark.  The Canberra lads don’t have the greatest track record up in sunny Townsville, but if there’s a point in time to turn things around, it might as well be this week, right?  Right.  

Right.

NRL 2013: Round 6 - When the Saints hit Struggletown

The biggest news in sport this week was the claim that the St George Dragons (or the St George Illawarra Steel Dragons, for those who are particular about things, and also living in approximately 1998) have put in a bid, or some interest, or a mild thought, or even had a dream about signing Josh Dugan and Todd Carney.  Together.  To play.  Football.

What the fuck.  Seriously?  I don't particularly like St George, but I don't think that any football team really needs to piss on their fans, sponsors and other players that much, do they?  For one, those two dickwits shouldn't be allowed in the same country as each other at the same time, let alone the same team.  I can forsee the house prices in Wollongong dropping fairly rapidly once these fuckheads arrive.  

There should be a limit on tattoos in the one club anyway.   

In other news around Australia, it has been alleged that even coaches in the AFL need a quick fix to make the game more enjoyable.  Fuck injecting horse growth hormones into yourselves, you idiots.  Just learn how to catch; that'll improve your sport.

Round 6

Round 6 of the NRL is another nut scratcher, with injuries making a few tips a bit hard, and general hatred of other clubs really weighing on my mind.  Let's see the Eels take it to an injury and Dave-Taylor-depleted Titans side, the Rooters to lift a notch against the Dawgs and the Bunnies to test out Billy "My Kicking Foot is Sore" Slater by running Greg "RAH I'M A STEAMROLLER" Inglis at him all night.  My money is on the Cowboys to shake off their shittiness, and the Dragons to hopefully belt the Tigers, because I think they deserve to win after being told that two of Canberra's finest exports are coming into town. 

Broncos vs Cowboys

Roosters vs Bulldogs

Knights vs Panthers

Rabbitohs vs Storm

Sea Eagles vs Sharks

Tigers vs Dragons

Titans vs Eels

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Warriors

My tipping last week was a woeful three out of eight, and I paid the price of not believing that the Raiders would drag their sorry, busted, broken, legless, dishevelled selves across the line with a few minutes to spare after coming back from 16-0 down against the Roosters.  The Warriors have impressed whoever watches their games this season, and threaten not to be as horrible as everyone thought they would be.  But last week proved that you can never write off the Canberra boys, unless they're playing someone really good.  And that's not the Warriors.  Raiders by a dozenish.

Why I could play footy:  I could look slightly less scared than Jarrod Croker whenever I got the ball

NRL 2013 Round 5: Instagram, wallets and nonsense

Did anything happen in league this week?  No?  Nothing?  Not one thing?  Well that’s a bit unusual.  It also makes writing about the week that was a bit difficult.  However, I’m always up for a challenge (if it’s a challenge that doesn’t involve a lot of effort), so I’ll soldier on with this week’s “report.”

The Round Five match-ups pose a couple of thoughtful conundrums; ones that make you go “Pfft, this round is fucking easy!” and then make you go “oh wait, it’s a bit shit” and then you go “oh fuck it, that’ll do” because you just can’t decide if that gut feeling is the dodgy hot dog you got from the servo, or if the Panthers are going to continue the Cowboys’ shit run of form.  Speaking of the Cowbs, is it a coincidence to anyone else that ever since they threw a dumptruck full of money at Jonathan Thurston to keep him until 2015, he hasn’t really looked interested in playing?  It’s funny what happens when athletes get paid to stop giving a shit, huh?

Thurston kind of creeps me out a bit when he laughs, too. 

In other news, the winner of Australia’s Biggest Fuckwit has been announced, with Josh Dugan taking out the coveted prize.  Duges turned his back on what was reported to be a $2 million contract at the Broncos (over two years – that works out to be roughly $1 million per year, if my calculator is to be trusted) in order to swear at a couple of people who let their feelings towards Australia’s Biggest Fuckwit be known on his Instagram account. 

I’ve got an Instagram thing, but I haven’t really put many photos on it.  Although there is one of my bum when I got hit with a ball.  It was actually a really hard photo to take.  My Instagram hasn’t attracted too many followers, but that’s probably a good thing because it means I don’t get called Australia’s Biggest Fuckwit very often either.

Dugan has reportedly been linked with St Helens in the UK Super League, but I honestly haven’t followed up this rumour, so I’ll just run with it and say it’s absofuckinglutely truthful with no hint of a lie.

Round Five:

Bulldogs vs Sea Eagles

Titans vs Broncos

Eels vs Sharks

Cowboys vs Panthers

Dragons vs Knights

Warriors vs Rabbitohs

Storm vs Tigers

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Roosters

If a game of football went for anything other than 80 minutes, I reckon the Raiders would probably have every match pretty well in hand and everyone would recognise them as the world champions of being awesome.

Alas.  It’s an 80-minute game, and the Raiders just aren’t quite maintaining their rhythm, pace and technique for longer than eighteen second periods.  Heh, sounds like me in the bedroom.  High five to me. 

The Roosters destroyed the Eels last week by the small matter of 50 points, and almost look like they give a flying fuck about playing football, which is a sight that hasn’t been seen in the Roosters club since about 1908.  I still hate most  all of the Chooks’ team (especially Sonny Bill), and love the Raiders Lime, but I think the boys from Bondi will be taking this one comfortably. 

This is probably why I feel a bit crook after drinking Raiders Lime.  Ew.

NRL Round 4: Amusing headline about Slater kicking someone in the face

Last weekend saw a few upsets, some near-comebacks, a shoulder charge, a couple of injuries, the odd continuing drug investigation, and a ninja.  Just the usual in a round of NRL really.

The big divide in the NRL community (other than those with teeth and those without), was Billy “Ralph Macchio” Slater, who was finally penalised for his ridiculous aerial antics, where he will leap for a high kick with at least one leg (usually no more than two) at right angles to his body, with his studded boots at face-height to anyone around him.  In last week’s game, he took the head off some bloke whose name I can’t remember and couldn’t be fucked Googling.  Captain Cameron “Smithy” Smith immediately ran to the umpire complaining that the other bloke was going to tackle Slater in the air, so he pretty much deserved to have a size 7 shoe (Billy’s only a little man) wedged into his eye socket.  The thing that Smith didn’t contemplate was that everyone else on the field has the right to contest the ball while it is in the air, a tactic that is made difficult when you’re being kicked in the face. 

Billy went to the tribunal and used his watertight defence of “I’m Billy Slater” and was immediately let off without a charge, but was given some restaurant vouchers and an iTunes card to make up for the inconvenience of having to waste his Tuesday night.  

Round Four:

Sea Eagles vs Tigers

Bulldogs vs Rabbitohs

Broncos vs Storm

Sharks vs Dragons

Panthers vs Titans

Warriors vs Cowboys

Roosters vs Eels

Despite an unexpected loss last week, Manly should have enough to knock over the Tigers, who had a surprising win.  That’s probably the only “ffffffff” game in this round, really.  Even the Cowboys, who were shithouse on Monday night, shouldn't have any trouble this round - they’re only playing the Warriors, so should bounce back.  I’m fairly sure the Warriors are really only in the comp this year so they can give some confidence back to teams who lost the week before.

Game of the Round:

Knights vs Raiders

The Raiders destroyed the St Georges last week, continuing their unbeaten (by St George) run (at Canberra Stadium) to approximately a million games.  Reese “Reese Lighting” Robinson must get massive Raider-style boners about playing against the Saints, as he has scored about seventy tries against them in the last two years. 

However… this week the Raiders are up against a team without a hoodoo, a team coming off a thrashing of the Cowboys, a team with one of the most formidable coaches and tacticians in the game, a team with a nice logo and a decent colour scheme, a team with the appeal from the year 2003 (and most of the players) – the Newcastle Knights.  I hate to do it, but I’m going against the Raiders for this one.  As much as I love them (in that way), they appear vulnerable way too often and in way too many different areas; they leak yards in the middle and tries on the flanks.  They are quite good looking though, so that counts for something.

I hope they prove me wrong, but alas – this week my money is on the Knights.

Holy shit, I put in two pictures this week.  Both are of some bloke's face recklessly attacking Slater's shoe

 

Current tally of Raiders Lime cartons personally consumed: 2

NRL Round 3: Not much happened this week

WOW WHAT A WEEK OF OFF FIELD RUGBY LEAGUE ACTION AND DRAMA is something that people would be saying if something had happened.  It’s probably a good thing that nothing happened during the week things got covered up well this time, as there’s only so many times you can read about overpaid, underperforming athletes not being “role models” for the next generation of superstars, or online forums with ‘sandra from brisvegas lol’ chiming in with her two-dole-cheques worth of “its ppl like this that make me relize that foot players our all idiot's i mean how smart do you have tobe too play football they need too grow up and get real jobs this is why i dont watch football anymore beaucause off ppl like this they are discraceful end i dont won't my kid's too grow up thinking that is exceptable behaviour.”

Writing that hurt my brain.  Fuck off, Sandra.

One word to describe tipping this week:  UUUUUUH.  Honestly, games in Round Three could go either way really easily; I can smell some upsets brewing, in particular the Storm vs Doggies match-up (I have a feeling that the Dogs will get up surprisingly easily [I’m not tipping them though]), and the Titans vs Manly game sends shivers down my spine to think that one of these teams has to actually win, and that makes me sad.  Also look out for the Knights to upset the Cowboys.  I don’t know if they’ll win the match, but they’ll probably upset them in some way – like making fun of them because they speak funny because they’re from Queensland, or they can’t read because they’re from Queensland, or they sniff a lot because they’re bogans because they’re from Queensland.  As soon as someone explains the Knights’ insults to the Cowbs, they will be VERY upset.

And drunk, because they’re from Queensland.  Also: rugby league players.

Round Three looks like this:

Storm vs Bulldogs

Tigers vs Eels

Titans vs Sea Eagles

Roosters vs Broncos

Sharks vs Warriors

Panthers vs Rabbitohs

Knights vs Cowboys

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Dragons

The Raiders were quite obviously robbed in last week’s game, and were desperately unlucky not to have come away with a win, finding themselves about seven tries short of toppling the Titans.  The best defensive effort was saved for their off-field exploits, however, as they miraculously stopped me from picking up my first full round of tips for the year.  Thanks, Fuckwits.  Raiders.  Fuckwits.

This week though, it’s back on like the proverbial game of Donkey Kong.  St George haven’t won at Canberra Stadium since 1941 or something, and after an ordinary week of off-field on-roof dramas, the Raiders will be looking to bounce back with a mahoosive victory over the Dragons.  The Green Machine have reportedly been working on the things that let them down last week, such as passing, catching, tackling, kicking, walking, standing and breathing.  Sandor Earl was so committed to training this week that he didn’t get any new tattoos, and I heard reports that he might have even got a haircut. 

If the Raiders don’t have enough to play for in the form of loyal fans and pride in their team (plus allegations of assault, both physical and sexual), then they have this:

Raiders Lime: relaunching in Canberra on 26 March.  Why use a big home-ground game to promote it when a random Tuesday will do just as well?

PS.  30,000 hits to MisterEvilBreakfast.blogspot.com.  That sounds pretty good, until you realise that it has been active since about 2003.  Then it's just a bit sad.

NRL 2013 Round 2: Personal Issues

What’s the deal with these Thursday night games of football?  Are they here to stay?  I could look up the answer quite easily... but I won’t.  I’m just that kind of person; the one who posts a Facebook status of “what’s the capital of Denmark?” and waits for someone to respond, rather than type “what’s the capital of Denmark?” into Google.  Then I’ll complain about how long it took people to get back to me and how many different answers I got. 

It's Copenhagen, by the way. 

In more important other issues, Josh Dugan got injured (no surprises there; I believe he is being flown to India to partake in the third cricket test as we speak), got pissed (on Cruisers), got rowdy, got on Twitter and got fired.  It was a big weekend for the kid, probably even bigger than mine, and I did two loads of washing.  Duges knew he’d done the wrong thing (again) by posting pictures of himself drinking (Cruisers) at 8am on his roof when he should have been doing some injury rehabilitation, or you know, not sucking at football.  This isn’t the first, second or third time that he’s been in the shit for drinking (Cruisers), but it was the first time he’d told coach Dave Furner to “go fuck yourself.”  It’s not the first time Dave’s heard that though, as he has coached in Canberra for a while, and it’s pretty much how he's greeted whenever he pops down to the shops for a carton of milk.

After sobering up, I’d like to think that Duges had a momentary “oh fuck what have I done oh fuck why did I do that” moment, and jumped on Twitter to use a tried-and-true excuse to get out of being a dick, or what I like to call the Matthew Newton defence, otherwise known as the I’m a massive fuckwit reason:  “I have some personal issues that I’m dealing with.  I appreciate your help through this troubling time.”  I’m afraid Ben Barba stole your thunder there, Dugels, after admitting to getting pissed, gambling away shit tins of money, being involved in bikie gangs, and ordering a Fillet O Fish from McDonalds.  That guy is off the rails, man.

However, Barbsy got away with it by admitting that he was a dick and was going through some personal issues and needed to be hidden away for a bit.  Dugan was about two weeks too late.  Barba, incidentally, has recently been cleared to begin training with the Bulldogs again.  That was a swift recovery, Benjamin, and I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that the Dogs looked shithouse last week.  It definitely has nothing to do with the NRL's current hard stance on drug use.  Definitely not.  It’s not like he has just passed a drug test.  No way.  Personal issues.  Expect a few Manly players to be "personally issued" in the next few weeks.

Round 2:

Eels v Bulldogs

Dragons v Broncos

Cowboys v Storm

Warriors v Roosters

Tigers v Panthers

Sea Eagles v Knights

Rabbitohs v Sharks

Game of the Round:

Titans v Raiders

Canberra will step up this week from their dismal effort against the Panfers in the first round.  For one, Josh Dugan won’t be there, and I kind of get the feeling that he disrupts the game plan a bit.  They’ll probably miss Blake Ferguson more, but he was drinking (Cruisers) with Duges and has been suspended indefinitely.  He should return next week and be given one more chance.  In NRL terms, that’s as good as a pay rise.  Which he’ll also get. 

Thanks for the memories, Duges.  See you at the Titans in a few weeks, and congratulations on your Dally M in 2015.

When you chuck a sickie, a good rule to follow is not to send a photo like this to your boss.

"My Trip to India" by Cricket Australia

Most people would have seen breaking news today that the Australian cricket team is really fucking weird, and four of their players have been axed from the next game because they didn’t hand in a written assignment explaining why Australia were so shit in their previous match.  In other news, Ed Cowan fell off the monkey bars and Xavier Doherty forgot his lunch money. 

(Australian coach) Mickey Arthur said the players were given five days to submit a personal critique of improvements to be made to the side with a deadline of Saturday.
Many players delivered presentations in Arthur's room, while others provided feedback in email form.It is understood Watson and Pattinson planned to see Arthur yesterday. The coach said Khawaja and Johnson simply forgot to provide feedback.

"I asked the players at the end of the game to give me an individual presentation," Arthur said.

"I wanted three points from each of them technically, mentally and team as to how we were going to get back over the next couple of games, how we were going to get ourselves back into the series.”

Two of the four people who were cut from selection in the next match were spell-check nightmare and part-time batsman Usman Khawaja, and bowling all-rounder Mitchell Johnson.  Ussy and Mitch didn’t actually play in the last game, which Australia lost by an innings and a thousand runs, yet were still required to provide reasons for the loss, and some ideas on how to win the next one.  This is on par with a teacher taking a class of students to the museum for an excursion and asking the kids who were sick that day to write an essay of the best part.  Despite the fact that they took no part in the game, surely writing “Drop Phil Hughes” and sliding it under the coach’s door wouldn’t have taken too long. 

Interesting fact: Phil Hughes has faced 39 balls of spin bowling so far on tour.  He has scored no runs and has been dismissed four times.  The South Africans exploited his inability to play pace bowling, and the Indians have done the same with spin.  Without going into too much detail, this means that Phil Hughes has an inability to play bowling.  As a batsman, that is not good.   

My favourite part of the story is the bit that mentions “Many players delivered presentations in Arthur's room” which makes me think that David Warner performing an enthusiastic recreation of his school’s Rock Eisteddfod act from 2003, where he mimed the R. Kelly hit, Ignition.  Pace bowler James Pattinson has acknowledged his axing, declaring that he deserves the punishment, yet kind of regrets not handing in his critique of “bowl more like me and less like Siddle” that was written on a beer-soaked napkin from their hotel bar, but thought it too “unprofessional” considering he had misspelt both “bowl” and “Siddle.”

The other major incident to come out of this story is that vice captain Shane Watson took a bit of offence to his axing and hopped the first flight back to Australia, declaring that his future in international cricket was “questionable,” reinforcing a statement that Australian cricket fans have had for years. 

Watson has been Australia’s most reliable all-rounder of recent times, but has not been able to bowl following ongoing complications with stress fractures in his back and a note from his mum saying that he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t feel like doing.  This has allowed him to concentrate on his batting, which has led to him experimenting with an unorthodox approach to batting that includes not making any runs, whilst trying to run out his batting partners.  As an all-rounder who no longer bowls or bats and is a liability in the field, it could be said that Watto’s greatest contribution to the Australian team was not handing in his critique. 

Class dismissed. 

NRL 2013: Round 1 - tips, predictions and drugs and shit

Well fuck me in the ear (don’t) if the Rugby League season is upon us.  Sort of snuck up, didn’t it?  Oh well, it beats having to pay attention to the cricket season.  Honestly, how bad is that going?  Badly bad, that’s how bad.  If Phil Hughes somehow makes his way into the team for the third test, I think it would be fairly safe to say that he’s sleeping with someone important.  And I’m not pointing fingers, but it is probably Michael Clarke. 

But enough about the game they play in summer, this week is the official start of the NRL season.  And it’s off to its usual awesome start – the top player in the game has decided not to play until he gets his drinking and gambling situation sorted out, the NRL announces that Tom Waterhouse betting is a major sponsor, the entirety of the Cronulla Sharks are pinged for being massive drug cheats (Todd Carney involved in drugs AND cheating?  No way!) and for some reason, they started the season yesterday.  I think I did realise that, but didn’t get a blog out for it.  Spoiler:  The Rabbitohs beat the Roosters.  I think we all knew that was going to happen anway.

My predictions for the 2013 season:

• The Rabbitohs will play the Stormohs in the Grand Finaloh. 
• Jessica Mauboy will be romantically linked to a player.  That player is probably married.  That player is probably Jonathan Thurston, once again besmirching the title of “Face of NRL.”
• The Sharks are fairly fucked.  Look for me getting a game with them at some stage this year.  I think I’d like to play centre.
• The Raiders will do their usual thing of sneaking into the top eight and finishing about fifth.  Fans will call for David Furner to be sacked as coach after an embarrassing scoreline at their home ground. 
• David Furner will not be sacked.
• The Eels won’t do much.
• Neither will the Warriors.
• Or the Broncos.
• The Doggies will be alright, but the term “underachievers” will be thrown around like a bottle of peptides at a Cronulla training session.
• Newcastle will be disappointing, but everyone kind of expects that from them. 
• Everyone will forget that the Dragons are part of the competition.  Even the Dragons.  They may even forfeit at one stage of the season due to lack of caring.
• Benji Marshall will break a limb.  I’m predicting an arm, or at least a wrist that he will pretend to be upset about, but not really because he’s going to have a rubbish season anyway.
• Manly will complain an awful lot.  I think they’ll cop a flogging at Brookvale from a really ordinary team and someone will punch Glenn Stewart in the back of the head.  I’m not saying it will be me, but that person may look a lot like me.
• Brett Stewart will still deman an apology for being called a pedophile a few years back.  Then he'll be found to be doping.  Then he'll demand an apology for being called a drug cheat.  Then he'll leave the NRL and go to the UK and demand an apology because his flight was delayed.   

If any of these come true – except the part about me playing for Cronulla – I’ll be fairly excited and will probably become a media sensation about being massively psychic.  Like, on My Kitchen Rules, I can always pick the score that Manu and Pete are going to give. 

Round 1 tips:

Roosters vs Rabbitohs

Broncos vs Sea Eagles

Eels vs Warriors

Bulldogs vs Cowboys

Panthers vs Raiders

Storm vs Dragons

Sharks vs Titans

Knights vs Tigers

Bang on.  Woo.

Out of the three people in this photo, not one of them is actually going to receive a high-five.

Job application - housekeeper for Will and Kate

So Prince “Duke” William and Kate “Duchess” Middleton are all married and pregnant with the future King of Whales or something, and because they are super busy people doing super busy people things like receiving gifts and posing for portraits, they require a bit of additional help for when the baby arrives.  “Arrives” is possibly the strangest word to use in the context of giving birth – I think an “arrival” should indicate a long journey, and let’s be honest – it’s just not that much of a hike to go from belly to jutz.  Although I guess “arrival” is a bit of a better way of saying “from belly to jutz” when the baby comes out of Kate Middleton’s vagina.

In any case, since I am all about helping people, I figure I can lend my expertise to the plight of the Royal Family. 

__

Dear The Queen

I am writing to apply to the position of housekeeper as advertised on Yahoo! News the other day.  I have had great experience in doing none of the tasks that you have identified as being key duties of the role, and believe my CV will speak for itself.  Especially since my CV is a specially-trained parrot who repeats my job experience ad nauseum.  Please feed it and send it back to me once it has said its piece.  Also, please note that the parrot swears like a sailor (like, a swearing sailor, not one of those mincing dickheads that you probably mix with while you’re yachting about with Elton John, getting sauced on Pimms) and will bite you if you put your fingers too close to his beak.  Also, he gets a bit ‘friendly’ after a couple of drinks. 

Your advertisement recommends that suitable candidates for the role will “provide a high standard of housekeeping for TRH [their royal highnesses] The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge."  My first appointment will just be to call them Prince and Princess, because it’s less confusing for everyone.  I am also not going to use the acronym TRH, because it’s a massive wank and I’ve already forgotten what it stands for.  With the implementation of changing them to Prince and Princess, I am going to use the acronym P&P instead.  It’s a bit catchier.

"Main duties include: ensuring all areas of the residence are cleaned and maintained to a high standard at all times…”. “

I might not clean ALL areas of residence either, because if there’s no one using all 900 bedrooms in their house, then it just doesn’t really matter, right?  And there’s something healthy about living in a place with a few germs; it’ll toughen the baby’s immune system right up.  William looks like he’d fall apart if he got a sniffle – is that what you want in your great-grandchild, Mrs Queen?  I didn’t think so.  Also, I want a robot vacuum cleaner thing.  That will make my “cleaning” job a whole lot easier. 

“Caring for and maintaining TRH ­personal clothing…”  

Caring for and maintaining clothes?  You mean “chucking them in the cupboard when they’re not being worn” and “fixing holes in shit”?  Yeah, I’m not going to lie to you here, The Queen; you guys aren’t short of coin, so if Wills rips his stockings, I’ll just duck down to K-Mart and grab some new ones for him.  Also, I think it would be best if I get to pick what the P&P get to wear on any particular day.  That’s a piece of piss; Will gets a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, Kate gets some Daisy Duke shorts and a bikini.  For “important” functions where we all get a bit pissed on expensive champagne and meet other “important” people from different countries, Will can wear a sports jacket and pretend he’s an internet entrepreneur billionaire, and Kate can wear the outfit that Princess Leia wore when she was Jabba the Hutt’s slave.  You know the one. 

“…cleaning silver-ware and glassware…”

I am proficient at cleaning glassware, due to my 14 years of experience at a glassware cleaning company.  I’m kidding, I really doubt one exists, basically because people aren’t retarded and can clean glasses themselves, either using the old-fashioned Dishlex dishwasher, or the controversial “I couldn’t be arsed cleaning properly” technique where you just rinse the glass out and put it away.  How much glassware does this couple get through anyway, to require glassware cleaning to be a major part of the job description?  They are allowed to just drink things from the carton, you know.  And if Will is one of those blokes who cracks a stubbie and then pours it into a glass, he’s a dickhead and I’ll be having words with him about it.  UNLESS it’s a frosty glass that he keeps in the fridge or freezer, then it’s ok.  Also, it’s his shout at the end of the next over.

I have also never polished silverware, nor do I hyphenate it.  Can’t be too hard though, right?  I’m pretty sure there’s something you can buy from those infomercials on telly that will do the job easily enough.  They wash coins and stuff with it to prove how powerful it is.  Also; a shower head.  To be honest, the P&P should probably clean their own silvers; if you’ve got nice things, you should have to learn how to look after them.  Teach a man to fish etc.  I will supervise them while they do it instead.  Meanwhile, why are they using the good silverware so often?  Is the Queen coming to visit, or what? (just kidding, we’ll use the good stuff for you)  But seriously, they should use the home-starter kits they sell at K-Mart for about $12, which has about four lots of cutlery in it.  They’re surprisingly durable and look a treat.  The only problem is that they don’t have caviar spoons, snail forks and testicle scratchers like the fancy sets that you have, but I figure the P&P can get around that little obstacle by not being such fucking nancies about it and use one fork for more than one job.  Strangely, it works for the rest of the world.  Except for China, where they use chopsticks.  And India, where they use bread.  Fuck it, it works well for everyone except people in Asia. 

“…and in-house laundry." 

I don’t mean to be rude, The Queen, but unless P&P’s hands have fallen off, they can probably wash their own jocks once a week.  I reckon they’d have good undies too, just quietly, like the ones you can get that have a little coin pocket in them.  I don’t think anyone would really use that pocket for coins, because it would look a bit weird if you’re at Woolies and the check-out guy says, “That’ll be $12,” and you have $10 in your wallet so you start fishing around in your crotch for another $2.  Although I used to work at Woolies, and that really wouldn’t have been the weirdest thing that I’d ever seen at all.  One time, a lady peed in one of the aisles and then smashed a bottle of cordial so it looked like she hadn’t.  But everyone was watching her, so that kind of didn’t work out too well for her in the end.  Or the guy who had to clean it up.

I believe I would be a useful addition to Will, Kate and Expecting’s family, as I have the skills necessary to make them pretty much do things themselves, and help them to understand that all they’ve really done is had a child, not unlike billions of other families around the world.  Also, I’d be pretty good at this job because I reckon Kate’s a bit of alright, and even though her sister is heavily over-rated, she’d probably be a massive slag when she’s pissed, and I think that would be funny, and would probably be worth more than 6 views on youTube.

I look forward to hearing from you in regards to this application.

Cheers

Mister Evil Breakfast