NRL 2013: Round 1 - tips, predictions and drugs and shit

Well fuck me in the ear (don’t) if the Rugby League season is upon us.  Sort of snuck up, didn’t it?  Oh well, it beats having to pay attention to the cricket season.  Honestly, how bad is that going?  Badly bad, that’s how bad.  If Phil Hughes somehow makes his way into the team for the third test, I think it would be fairly safe to say that he’s sleeping with someone important.  And I’m not pointing fingers, but it is probably Michael Clarke. 

But enough about the game they play in summer, this week is the official start of the NRL season.  And it’s off to its usual awesome start – the top player in the game has decided not to play until he gets his drinking and gambling situation sorted out, the NRL announces that Tom Waterhouse betting is a major sponsor, the entirety of the Cronulla Sharks are pinged for being massive drug cheats (Todd Carney involved in drugs AND cheating?  No way!) and for some reason, they started the season yesterday.  I think I did realise that, but didn’t get a blog out for it.  Spoiler:  The Rabbitohs beat the Roosters.  I think we all knew that was going to happen anway.

My predictions for the 2013 season:

• The Rabbitohs will play the Stormohs in the Grand Finaloh. 
• Jessica Mauboy will be romantically linked to a player.  That player is probably married.  That player is probably Jonathan Thurston, once again besmirching the title of “Face of NRL.”
• The Sharks are fairly fucked.  Look for me getting a game with them at some stage this year.  I think I’d like to play centre.
• The Raiders will do their usual thing of sneaking into the top eight and finishing about fifth.  Fans will call for David Furner to be sacked as coach after an embarrassing scoreline at their home ground. 
• David Furner will not be sacked.
• The Eels won’t do much.
• Neither will the Warriors.
• Or the Broncos.
• The Doggies will be alright, but the term “underachievers” will be thrown around like a bottle of peptides at a Cronulla training session.
• Newcastle will be disappointing, but everyone kind of expects that from them. 
• Everyone will forget that the Dragons are part of the competition.  Even the Dragons.  They may even forfeit at one stage of the season due to lack of caring.
• Benji Marshall will break a limb.  I’m predicting an arm, or at least a wrist that he will pretend to be upset about, but not really because he’s going to have a rubbish season anyway.
• Manly will complain an awful lot.  I think they’ll cop a flogging at Brookvale from a really ordinary team and someone will punch Glenn Stewart in the back of the head.  I’m not saying it will be me, but that person may look a lot like me.
• Brett Stewart will still deman an apology for being called a pedophile a few years back.  Then he'll be found to be doping.  Then he'll demand an apology for being called a drug cheat.  Then he'll leave the NRL and go to the UK and demand an apology because his flight was delayed.   

If any of these come true – except the part about me playing for Cronulla – I’ll be fairly excited and will probably become a media sensation about being massively psychic.  Like, on My Kitchen Rules, I can always pick the score that Manu and Pete are going to give. 

Round 1 tips:

Roosters vs Rabbitohs

Broncos vs Sea Eagles

Eels vs Warriors

Bulldogs vs Cowboys

Panthers vs Raiders

Storm vs Dragons

Sharks vs Titans

Knights vs Tigers

Bang on.  Woo.

Out of the three people in this photo, not one of them is actually going to receive a high-five.