Canberra's Hidden Gems

Canberra has its fair share of great tourist attractions – the majestic Parliament House, the award-winning War Memorial, the edufunctional Questacon and the-how-is-this-place-still-open Cockington Green gardens. 

However, any Canberran worth their salt will tell you that the best parts of Canberra are the ones you have to look for, the ones that aren’t in your hoity-toity Lonely Planet guides; the parts of Canberra that tell a story that is less to do with grey buildings and roundabouts, these are real stories about love and loss and HOLY FUCK WAS THAT A PEACOCK? 

Yes, yes it was.  Canberra is home to its own flock of wild peacocks, that live on Dalrymple Street in Red Hill.  Rumour has it that a couple of go-getting Red Hill residents decided that their billion-dollar houses and sold-gold rocket cars weren’t enough, and wanted to raise a brood of peacocks.  No one is really sure why you’d want multiple peacocks wandering around your back yard; I don’t know how valuable they would be to sell, or if the Canberra market was ready to mung down on peacock meat or peacock eggs, or if there was much of a demand for big ol’ feathers, or if the Jonesmithtons in Yaralumla caught wind of it and said, “I hear Red Hill has its own peacocks.  I DEMAND WE GET SOME!  Can you please move the BMW to get to the Mercedes, as we need to upgrade it to the current model on our way, you know.”    

In any case, the RSPCA got wind of this fucking ridiculous plan and decided that Canberra isn’t the topsest place to raise tropical birds that get pissed off really easily, so the owners took them to a farm so they could chase tennis balls or do whatever peacocks do.  Unfortunately, the peacocks found their way back to their Red Hill house and continued peacocking around.  So they were moved again.  And again, they came back, but this time they completed a degree in International Relations at the ANU, joined the Public Service grad program, worked their way up to EL1, got picked up by KPMG Consultants and have subsequently moved into a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom place in Red Hill permanently. 

So the next time you are meandering around Red Hill, keep an eye out for Canberra’s own zoo.  You know, other than the other one.  

 Here, a peacock is seen scoffing at a 'common' car in Red Hill.  

NRL 2015 Round 23: Rabble Rabble Rabble

Everyone and their dog (settle down, Joel Monaghan) has an opinion this week on whether the NRL is getting too soft by outlawing shoulder charges and punching people in the face or the back of the head.  The way the current rule is, any contact made by the defender with their shoulder and no attempt to use their arms is an automatic penalty and trip to the judiciary… except for motherfucking Kane Evans who put Sam Kasiano on his giant arse with the most blatant shoulder-charge this year and managed to escape all punishment through the legality of “holy fuck that was a good hit.” 

Then Willie Mason got suspended for lightly touching some fucking weak unit after said weak unit literally ran into him.  I’m not a massive Mason fan, but he was hard fucking done by, and it’s more proof that the NRL has no idea how to police their own rules.  Each tackle should be judged on its own merits, or lack thereof, including contact with the head.  If it’s a good fucking hit, it needs to stay in.  If it’s a good fucking hit that goes fucking awry, then punish that.  EASY AS FUCK.

In a classic Bulldogs move, up-and-comer David Minute was sacked by the club after repeatedly ringing a female trainer and jerking off over the phone to her.  That is some vintage Canterbury action right there.  We haven’t had a good old-fashioned sexual discrimination-verging-on-assault for a while from those lovable lads in Bankstown, so well done to them for maintaining the highest possible standards and once again shining a glorious light on the players of the NRL, while also providing a great example that the female staff members of rugby league clubs are always appreciated and held in the same stead as their male counterparts.      

Canberra Appreciation Month update

Well, the Raiders went and fucked up Canberra Appreciation Month AGAIN by fucking losing to the motherfucking Tigers on Monday night, snatching a heart-breaking loss from the sweaty clutches of a crushing victory, and really fucking up their fucking chances of fucking qualifying for the fucking finals.

Canberra looked like absolute balls whenever they were put under any kind of defensive pressure and proved AGAIN that they are currently incapable of closing out a game.  Blake Austin played as if he’d just come back from a date with Bill Cosby, and Sammy Williams tried to do too much in his first game back from injury and was attempting to carry the team on his tiny little shoulders.  Dave Shillington won’t forget his 200^th game for the club, as he was sent from the field for headbutting – the first bloke to be marched in two years.  He somehow avoided the wrath of the judiciary, and will be taking his place in the team this weekend after spending zero weeks on the sideline.  This will probably make him a marked man for the rest of the season, and he should expect to cop a bit from other big boofheads who have been suspended for lesser infringements.  Could  be good to see what happens though, seeing as ol' Shillo seems to be sitting on a powder keg at the moment.  We might even see a punch get thrown.  If that happens, wake the kids up.  It's like Halley's comet.  

 

Player of the Week:  Shannon Boyd, who scored a double in Monday night's loss to the Tigers.  There's so much I'd like to say, but won't because I'd be afraid of this guy breaking into my house, literally tearing me in half and eating me.
Also, he's 22.  Twenty-two.  Let THAT sink in.  This guy has seen some shit.

 Round 23

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Both teams will have to pick up their act from last week’s effort to get the cookies in this match, and I think that Souths just have too much ground to make up.  Add to that a host of injuries, Joel Reddy and two Burgess brothers with pillows for hands, and my prediction is that North Queensland are going to towel up the premiers. 

Brisbane Broncos vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Fuck Brisbane, way to prove that you actually do suck by sucking a lot over the last few weeks.  Thankfully they are playing a rapidly declining St George team this week to get them back into the groove of beating wooden spoon contenders.  PHEW.

Wests Tigers vs Newcastle Knights

Newcastle?  More like OLDcastle, amirite?!?!  It would be nice to play for the Knights though – you get priority seating on public transport, discount movie tickets, weekly field trips, daily nap times, being surrounded by friendly people your own age that understand you…  The Tigers have been in season-best form lately (that doesn’t really mean much though) and have put together two wins in a row for the first time in two years, and unless they lose their heads this weekend, they’ll make it three.  Most clubs can only dream of such success.  Like the Raiders. 

Penrith Panthers vs New Zealand Warriors

Watching this match should come with a health warning that it has the potential to hurt all five senses and those with heart conditions or who are pregnant or support either of these teams should avoid it at all costs. 

Sydney Roosters vs Parramatta Eels

The combined score of the last two Roosters vs Eels matches at the SFS is 106-4.  That is an insult to the Australian cricket team as much as it is Parra. 

It must be close to illegal for games like this to happen.  If everything goes the way that it should go (on paper), it will be like watching the Roosters beat a cripple to death with their own wheelchair.  Yes, that’s how politically correct I am.  Go fuck yourself.  Yeah.

Canberra Raiders vs Manly Sea Eagles

The boldest of Canberra supporters can see the might fucking Green Machine snapping back into form and breaking Manly’s streak of wins… not me though.  Stupid dickwits. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Gold Coast Titans

This game has my stamp of “if there’s going to be an upset, it will be in this game, bitches” on it, but I wouldn’t put my house on that.  The Dogs forwards will take them to victory and really piss on the Titans season.  It hasn’t been great. 

Cronulla Sharks vs Melbourne Storm

The Sharkies are looking the fucking goods right about now – not that I’d admit that to anyone – and if they can beat a Storm team that should be pretty desperate to keep their grubby little claws in the top eight, they’ll confirm as genuine outside chances to possibly upset a good team to maybe get into the grand final, which they will lose.  If they don’t, then they’ll probably get on the ol’ slippery slope down to shitsville.  I reckon they’ll do alright though.  I’m so confident that sometimes it hurts.

NRL 2015 Round 22: Indigenous Round, so no booing unless it’s because you hate the player, like Greg Bird.

Holy shit it’s Friday already.  It was a bit of an up-and-down weekend last week; we saw the stupid fucking Sea Eagles flog a seemingly-unbeatable Broncos team and fuck everyone’s tips, then the Tigers decided to flog the bejesus out of an underperforming-but-still-it’s-only-the-Tigers-surely-you-can-beat-these-dickheads Melbourne Storm team.  The Bunnies dragged themselves to an unconvincing win over the Panfers, but dragged is the key word here - it was like they were crawling over broken glass and syringes while people spat on them... no, that was actually Penrith.  Meanwhile, St George got their first victory in seven attempts, but before we crack the champers and start planning a Grand final party, let’s not get too carried away, as it was only against Newcastle.  To top off the round, the Roosters and the Bulldogs decided to toy with everyone’s emotions by playing alternating 20-minute periods throughout the game. 

Thoughts on this week - Manly are shaping up to be the fucking Mighty Ducks this year, having scraped themselves off the bottom of the ladder after about 20 rounds, now find themselves just one win away from making the finals.  Come on.  I mean, fuck.  Come on.  Fucking hell, come on.  What the fuck, everyone?  Come on.

In Mighty Canberra Raiders Green Machine Bang Bang Big Mal Ricky’s Groin Jarrod Croker WOO GO YOU FUCKING RAIDERS news, Sia Soliola, one of the buys of the season and proud owner of a major contender for “hit of the year” has gone and ruled himself out for the rest of the year with a broken cheekbone.  DICKHEAD.   The injury was sustained in last weekend’s loss to the Cowboys in Townsville after the Raiders squandered an 18-point lead, and due to altitude and air pressure, was advised not to fly home after the game, which no doubt led to the following scenario….

Soliola: Argh fuck man, my cheekbone’s gone, broken, I’m fucked.  I’m done.  Oh well, at least we won the game, right?  We couldn’t possibly let an 18-nil lead slip. 

Ricky Stuart:  Uhhhhh... sorry, we kind of lost.  By kind of a lot. 

Solila:  Fuck!  Seriously?  Well that sucks.  Anyway, let’s get on the plane and we can go through the game and work out what worked and what didn’t, you know, find some key areas to target and improve on for next week.  It will make this seven-hour flight from Townsville to Canberra a useful endeavour. 

Ricky Stuart:  Yeah, about that…  we can’t actually let you onto the plane.  The ah, cabin pressure will worsen your broken bone.  The one in your head.  The one that broke.  

Soliola:  What the fuck, seriously? How am I going to get back to our nation’s capital then? 

♫ Sitcom intro music begins to play ♫

♫ Lost the game and broke my face

Gotta get out of this place

Can't catch a plane to get back home

Thankfully I'm not alone

Team doctor, cheerleader and then me

Driving back in a Suzuki

We need to cross Australia

My name is Sia Soliola ♫ 

I’d like to think the show deals with the inner workings of today’s modern athlete mixed with some road-trip hi-jinx and some hilarious “I-spy” rounds.

This week is a deadset cracker of a rugby league round, with almost every game a massive brainfuck as to who to tip.  Don’t worry everyone, I’m here to walk you through it.   

Brisbane Broncos vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Broncs got brought back to earth with a flogging from Manly last week.  Stupid Horses.  The Dogs, on the other hand, showed some rare fight in their close loss to the Roosters.  Hopefully Brissy won’t give them the opportunity to stage a comeback this week and will piss the Dogs well and truly away from the top eight.  Hate the Dogs.

Manly Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Manly have dropped Turbo Tom Trbojevic for… reasons.  I guess Toovey just wants to piss as many people off as he can before he leaves the club.  This game has had me umming and aahing all week, and I’m scared.  Scared and cold.  And hungry.  And a little sleepy.  The Bunnies need to win this one to get some momentum going into finals; and also to quash Manly’s hopes and dreams.  Quashing Manly’s hopes and dreams is always a bonus.  On form… I’m sorry.  I can’t not tip Manly. 

New Zealand Warriors vs St George Illawarra Dragons

The Warriors have opted not to play Konrad Hurrell in this match, dropping him to NSW Cup, presumably to ensure that they will be knocked out of finals contention by losing matches, rather than through points differential.  Noble fuckers, don’t you think?

Cronulla Sharks vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Time for both of these teams to nut up or shut up – the Sharkies have somehow managed to sneak their grubby little way into fifth place, while the Cowboys have been in premiership-winning form.  A win by either team will give them a boost heading into the arse-end of the season.  Go Cowbs, but only fucking just.

Parramatta Eels vs Penrith Panthers

Business as usual for both teams last week as they both managed to rack up losses.  I guess one team will improve that this week.  Stats and form and stuff are pointing me towards the Penny Panthers.  Probably by a lot, actually.  Donk a thousand on Bryce Cartwright to single-handedly flog the piss out of the Eels. 

Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans

Melbourne were on the wrong end of what was possibly the upset of the round last week, getting smashed by the War Machine Wests Tigers.  The amount of psychological damage acquired may take longer than a week to fully overcome, and it may have fundamentally affected their self-belief and their lack of trust in one another.  It could lead to a lack of cohesion within the team mechanics, which is one of the major attacking weapons that their coaching staff has engrained within the team. 

On the other hand, fuck the Titans AMIRITE?

Newcastle Knights vs Sydney Roosters

The Knights have had a pretty shitty year in 2015.  All they really need now is some kind of scandal, maybe a salary-cap rorting issue, whereby it shows their players are also collecting their aged-care pension as well as match payments.  Newcastle are playing like the Australian cricket team lately – and will probably end up the same – losing by about 400.  The only thing they can hope for is that the Roosters fall into old habits and go into the game drastically underestimating a bottom-of-the-ladder team and forget to show up. 

Canberra Raiders vs Wests Tigers

Both teams have lost some firepower with injuries to Sia Soliola and Josh Hodgson, with a suspension for Edrick Lee for the Raiders, while psychotic ball runner Martin Tapau from the Tigers will also sit out the week for attempted murder and cannibalism in a one-man fight last week.  The Raiders welcome back big Sammy Williams from a pec injury, all 5’3 of him – an inclusion that will warm my heart, as the Raiders have struggled like… well, Wests… without him.  The only bloke who could stop the Machine de Verde from winning this puppy is fucking Tedesco, who should have fucking signed with Canberra last year.  Other players to watch are fucking Brooks and Moses, who show flair in attack, but like most 12-year olds who play first grade, are shithouse in defence.  But they could definitely fix your Foxtel if it fucks out… and probably beat you at Call of Duty on the X-Box.  You know, those important things in life. 

Mister Evil Breakfast's Canberra Appreciation Month 2015

I tried really hard to get this to match the meter and rhyme scheme of "True Blue" by John Williamson, but didn't really get there because I think I forgot how much he sort of just drifts off and mumbles "Hey True Blue" and "sponge cake" and it started to get hard.  I've also had that song in my head for about a week thanks to this stupid launch of MEBCAM for 2015.  So now hopefully you will too.  You can thank me later.

Hey Canberra

Hey Canberra, you’re number one. 

So you’ve got yourself four big lakes

And all those fucking swans. 

Hey Canberra.  Hey Canberra

Walked through Garema Place, met some brand new mates.  

Who all need just a dollar 

To catch a bus to Crace.   

Hey Canberra 

Is it the ANU? 

Is it Banks or Hall?  Is it Amaroo?

In line at the bar in Kingos on a Friday night. 

There’s only one person on tonight. 

Canberra, you want microbrew? 

Drinkin at Bent Spoke 

My rent costs less than a pint

But this is what we do

Hey Canberra  

If it’s ten below   

Give us fucking snow!   

Hey Canberra

How 'bout the Raiders 

Back in ’94?  Yeah, it’s been a while.

Hey Canberra (you suck) 

Canberra, are you at the Moose? 

Is it the light rail, or the Vader balloon? 

Is it going to the Arboretum, because you fucking love trees? 

I’m not judging.  You just like trees. 

Caaaanberra, how’s your owl statue?   

Is it Tongue n Groove?   

Is it Scotty and Nige, is it Erindale Pool? 

Is it driving 10 minutes to work, and getting all red lights? 

Still made it in by nine. 

Caaaaaaan-berra.  CAAAAAAANBEERRRRRAAAAA.  

words and music by Mister Evil Breakfast and possibly John Williamson

NRL 2015 Round 21: Fire all the coaches!

What a glorious week of football – it all began with the fallout of the Fifita twins being suspended for abusing a referee at a junior league game, Geoff Toovey was fired, Mick Stone was even more fired, and the Cowboys were accused of cheating the salary cap, but it just turns out that they were given “bonuses” by their club’s sponsor, in the form of extra houses.  Nothing suss there, especially since their chairman is a property developer. 

On the field, there have been more cricket scores than the current Ashes tour (fucking Australians), with the Bunnies, Brisbane and Cowboys putting on some big points.  The Sharks managed to snag another win against a Bulldogs team who have promised fans that they will “probably consider turning up to think about playing well” in their game this week.  James Segeyaro tried to sneak a win against the Raiders by attempting a chip-kick over an 8-foot giant in Edrick Lee, while Shaun Johnson broke our hearts when he broke his ankle against Manly. 

Geoff Toovey announced that he has been sacked as coach by the club for the 2016 season and will be replaced by St George numpty Trent Barrett next year.  Mick Stone was released immediately by the Newcastle Knights, with Danny Buderus given the reins to finish off a fuck-up of a year for the Novocastrians. 

 

You can't argue with Wikipedia

There’s a current NRL trend for defending teams to give up a penalty in their own 30-metre zone in order to slow the play down – giving the opposition an easy 2-point kick, which a lot of teams are opting for.  Instead, they should line up to kick the ball from right in front, but deliberately spray it short and wide for a winger or centre to race onto to score while the opposition are not expecting it.  I always thought the Raiders used to do this in the mid-90s for Noa Nadruku and Ken Nagas to score buckets of tries from, but then I realised that the Canberra kickers were just a bit shit.  Sorry Dave Furner. 

Round 21:

Sydney Roosters vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Fucking hell.  Games like this are proof that God exists and he hates the world.  Both teams have some giant fucking units in their forward pack, and some speccy runners in their backlines, but always seems to be completely underwhelming in all aspects of the game.  The Dogs would want to turn around last week’s fucking embarrassment of a game and actually turn up to this one, but I’m tipping the Chooks, mainly because they’ll be dressed as Captain America.  And if there’s one thing that epitomises the NRL, it’s a man wearing the Star Spangled Banner as a shirt.    

Wests Tigers vs Melbourne Storm

The Tigers have been putting up the equivalent effort of the bye this year, and I don’t see anything different happening this week.  The Tigers have been dealt another blow by having their captain Robbie Farah returning from injury, so they’ll have to deal with his incompetence as well as the clinical (read: boring) style of footy that the Storm have been producing of late. If anyone can stay awake through this one, they'll probably see Melbourne up by 20-odd.

New Zealand Warriors vs Cronulla Sharks

The Warriors lost sex machine excitement machine Shaun Johnson to a broken ankle last week and capitulated (as you would) against a resurgent Manly outfit, and look fairly lost without him.  The Sharks are looking pretty decent without being spectacular, and will grind out a win against our Kiwi cousins this weekend.  Mick Ennis is playing out of his headgear this year; if the Warriors can’t find a counter for his kicking game, they’ll be on the end of a shellacking.  And fuck the Fifitas; without them, Cronulla will probably have about thirty less penalties and eighty fewer dropped balls than normal.

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Canberra Raiders

Raiders will have to tag the absolute bejesus out of Thurston to have a chance in this one – someone with the agility to match him (Croker) or the strength to flog him (Papalli).  Unfortunately, that would leave an even bigger gap on Canberra’s left edge if Crokes takes him, or Papalli will spend the next six weeks on the sideline for trying to kill JT.  Thursty could probably sit out the next six weeks and still waltz it in for the Dally M.  While I think the Cowbs will run away winners in this game, it won't be an easy game.  The Canberra forwards have been flogging the piss out of teams lately, and if they can just get a smidge more support from the backline, they'll push any team for 80 minutes.  And Vaughan is my new Canberra man-crush.  

Manly Sea Eagles vs Brisbane Broncos

A lot of punters are saying that Brissy are “due for a loss”, but if they keep playing the way they have been, there's no reason why they won't keep smashing it all the way into the finals.  This week, they're up against Manly, who have been showing some good form of late and are rumoured to be “digging deep” to give “110%” for their departing coach, Geoff “Tooves” Toovey.  Also keep an eye on a young bloke called Jake “I just mashed my face on the keyboard” Trbojevic, who has the official “next NRL superstar” label tattooed across his forehead.  Donk a tenner on Lyon to score a try against Jack Reed (donk a tenner on fucking anyone to score against Jack Reed, just quietly), but in the end, the Broncs will take this one by 10 or so. 

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Newcastle Knights

Desperate to get a win, the Knights have dumped their coach, hoping that the league mythology will prevail and they’ll get up in a battle of “who gives a fuck” in the Gong.  The Dragons have lost seven games on the trot, and will be hoping to keep a fingernail grip on the top eight, despite the fact that they probably don’t deserve to.  This game will answer the age-old question:  Who would win in a fight between Iron Man and Spider-Man if Iron Man and Spider-Man were two under-performing rugby league teams? 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Penrith Panthers

Three more players have been moved into the Panthers' morgue recovery ward, with Peter Wallace, Dean Whare and Nigel Plum joining about 30 other boofheads on the Struggle Street sidelines.  The Bunnies should probably walk over for another half-century this week.  Sorry Panfers.

Gold Coast Titans vs Parramatta Eels

The Eels have boldly named an unchanged line-up from the team that was beaten by 40 points last week, trying to prove that this team isn't as bad as they appear.  Parra’s defence this year has been as hard as soup, and their attacking plays demonstrate the ball handling skills of a lesbian.  In any case, this one could go the soccer route and be a fucking boring nil-all draw, or we could get some kind of 34-48 scoreline with nothing but razzle-dazzle and poor defence.  My thoughts: this game is more likely to produce no winners, just one team that lost harder than the other.   

NRL 2015 Round 20 - Comics and controversy and one more naughty c-word

What a glorious week in rugby league – the NRL announced that seven teams will be wearing superhero-inspired outfits based on Marvel characters in the upcoming rounds.  FUCK YES.  The Raiders, Roosters, St George and Cowboys will be sprucing up their Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man and Thor uniforms, Manly have thankfully got rid of their weird Wolverine yellow bullshit from last year and have adapted a more maroon-themed DareDevil jersey, while the Knights and Tigers will be getting Spider-Man and War Machine. 

It’s almost worth supporting the Knights to get a sweet-ass Spider-Man jersey.  Almost.

Personally, I would have gone for Black Widow over the fairly obscure War Machine, and used George Rose as the model.  If a big man in some tight leathers doesn’t scream “FUCKEN-FOOTY-YES-CUNTS” right in your face as you’re trying to buy a bucket of chips, nothing does. 

In other"news", Geoff Toovey is rumoured to be leaving Manly.  Again.  One day this fucking rumour will be true and we can all be rid of the little fucking rat.  I guess a broken clock is right twice a day, huh?  Yeah.  Philosophy, bitches.

In more recent and unexpected news:  last week, Roosters and New Zealand international Shaun Kenny-Dowell was charged with a string of offences regarding domestic violence.  This week, he has reportedly checked himself into hospital.  I reckon the footy community can try and join the dots on that one to come to their own conclusion.  Personally, I think it reeks of the MatthewNewton defense, aka the case of Guilty Minor Celebrity vs depression.  Before being caught knocking his ex-girlfriend around (a lot), I doubt depression or self-harm or whatever he’s in the hospital for had ever crossed his mind.  Amazing what being charged for assault and having your career and life tarnished forever will do to a person, huh?  I am also aware that I could be eating my proverbial words if something much more serious comes from this, so I’ll just give a message to SKD from the NRL regarding his AVO and hope that he’s OK.  With that many abbreviations, I could probably tweet it to him.  Twice.  

While I’m doing the controversial opinions thing, I also reckon that Bruce Jenner’s gender-whateverthefuck it is is a complete sham, and the world’s most extreme publicity stunt and grab for coin.  Just as you thought Bruce Jenner’s name was worth dick as he divorced from Kris JennerKardashian and everyone reckoned he was a twat, welcome to motherfucking Caitlyn Jenner, who everyone seems to love, because basically it’s politically incorrect not to love him.  FUCK.  THAT.  It’s still the same person, the same twat that we’ve always disliked, but now he’s wearing a dress and is on the cover of Vanity Fair instead of Men’s Health!  It’s all a bunch of bullshit.

I also think that Daly Chery-Evans will not last his contract at Manly, Shane Watson’s Australian cricketing career is not over and the latest Avengers movie wasn’t that good.  CONTROVERSY CORNER OVER.

Sometimes there's such a thing as "too many filters."  Thanks to Fox Sports for making this picture and caption possible.

Round 20

Brisbane Broncos vs Gold Coast Titans

The off-season cocaine drama has clearly taken its toll on the Titans, who are afraid to hold onto the ball in case they are charged with possession.  Brisbane continue to roll on, just doing whatever they do.  It’s especially surprising how well they do considering one of their strike players in Jack Reed. 

Wests Tigers vs Sydney Roosters

Seems a bit odd that the Roosters get another bye this week… OH WAIT THEY DON’T THEY’RE JUST PLAYING THE TIGERS LOL .  The only way the Tiges can avoid embarrassment will be to run every single play at James Moloney, who has the most missed tackles in the NRL (congrats, Jimmy) as well as being the most penalised player in the league.  Funny that.  Note: I didn’t say that the Tiges would win, I just said it wouldn’t be as embarrassing.  The Chooks to get up after a “drama-filled” week by about 20.

New Zealand Warriors vs Manly Sea Eagles

There’s always one fucking game to ruin everything, isn’t there?  Both teams have the ability to score a thousand or go for eighty minutes without ever making it to their last tackle.  I’m going the Warriors, only because I don’t think they have it in them to put together two shithouse performances in a row, and also… Manly.

South Sydney Rabbits vs Newcastle Knights

If there’s a game for the Bunnies to truly get into the swing of things, this is it.  A down-and-out Newcastle team is just prime to have a half-century put on them.  I can almost foresee a Souths team that just tries that little bit too hard to be razzle-dazzle and ends up winning a fairly undisciplined game by 10.  Either way, fuck Newcastle.

Melbourne Storm vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Here’s a fun game to play at home – see how many times St George can rack up a new set of six tackles 10 metres from the Storm line, and then find new and inventive ways to fuck it up.  While I don’t think the Storm are the real deal, they’re looking too strong for the Dragons this week.  And you know when Cooper Cronk looks too strong for anyone, there’s some serious trouble.  I get the feeling Cronk’s the kind of grown man who would cry if he got stung by a bee.  Partly because of the pain, and partly because he killed a bee.

Penrith Panthers vs Canberra Raiders

The Raiders cost me a FULL ROUND last week, so they’d better fucking deliver this week.  The age-old ploy of naming a halfback and then changing that halfback a minute before the game didn’t seem to work too well for the Raiders in last week’s controfuckingversial loss to the Sharks, so hopefully ol’ Sticky Stuart will have learnt about putting a halfback into a halfback role this week.  Probably not though.  In any case, can’t go past the Green Machine this week.  It’s my Achilles heel, except for when they play someone good.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Cronulla Sharks

Trent Hodkinson had a great game for the Dogs last week, answering his State of Origin critics… pity it was only against the Eels.  Could be a different story this week, as Cronulla look to keep their season alive.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about this game this week.  It’s fucking stupid.  Dogs.  Always Dogs.  Well, not always.  

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Parramatta Eels

The Eels have been mentioned in a couple of pretty weird headlines this week, in that they’re trying to pay halfback Chris Sandow not to play… Sandow reject this offer and instead went about deliberately missing tackles and getting himself suspended for an illegal shoulder charge last week.  Yeah, it’s all fucking weird.  The wheels have officially fallen off at Parramatta, and I read today that Sandow has signed with the Super League.  So… have fun, Christopher.  PS.  Go Cowboys.

NRL 2015 Round 19 - Heritage Round

Round 19 is Heritage Round, which is probably in my top twenty-six rounds of the NRL, and it gives the Gold Coast Titans a chance to fully appreciate their seven-year history and three previously-failed Gold Coast teams.  Long live the mighty Seagulls, eh?  Anyone?  No one?  The silence I’m being met with is like being at a Roosters vs Titans game.

The NRL has let itself down this week by not filling up any newspapers with player misdemeanours, assaults, arrests, drug charges, drinking, social media spats, code-switching, contract-dodging or peptide-chugging.  So either the NRL has done a great job in keeping things quiet, or the internet is down at Josh Dugan’s house. 

Way to go boys, everyone gave 110% this week, stuck to the plan and came away with the two points.  The forwards provided momentum up front and made some room for the backs to take advantage of.  Couple of lucky bounces in there, but that's the way of rugby league.  Full credit to the opposition who really stuck in there and pushed you all the way.  You should enjoy this win, go back to the drawing board & work hard at training, and hopefully take the momentum into next week, where you’ll have another hard game.  Thanks to Channel 9 and Mitre 10.

Round 19

Parramatta Eels vs Canterbury Bulldogs

This looks like the best Doggies outfit to have hit the park for some time.  Unfortunately for the Eels, it looks like the usual bunch of idiots that turn up for them every week to get beaten by 20.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that even Semi Radradra won’t cross the line for a four-pointer, officially making this game a waste of everybody’s time.    

Melbourne Storm vs Penrith Panthers

The Pennies have a decent forward pack, but the backline looks a bit too “meh” to me to trouble anyone.  And if you can’t trouble the Storm, you know you’re doing something wrong, who are on the end of a four-game losing streak.  Stupid Storm.  PS.  They’ll win by about 16.

Canberra Raiders vs Cronulla Sharks

The mighty mighty Raiders’ juggernaut is approaching warp speed WOOP WOOP!  Watch for the sneaky Sharks to take off one of their underperforming backline players (take your pick) through “concussion” for a free interchange to get Ben Barba into the game around the 50^th minute mark.  Canberra will be missing their underrated halfback Sammy Williams through injury, but have announced Kurt “John the” Baptiste in the half line, which will be fucking interesting to see, as it has been a while since the Raiders have fielded anyone from Middle Earth.  Look for Papalli to put a few big hits (and a couple of cheap ones) on Cronulla captain Paul “I’m too old for this shit” Gallen.  Raiders by a thousand, but most likely a whole lot less.

Newcastle Knights vs Gold Coast Titans

If these teams grabbed a couple of pies and some beers to watch the Under 21s play, it would be a much better outcome for everyone.  Especially since Gidley would probably get his “Ooh, I wouldn’t have dropped that” comments going, and would probably get punched by a fat guy who hasn’t played since he was fifteen for slagging off his nephew. 

St George Illawarra Dragons. vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Saints welcome back five players from injury and house arrest this week, but are going into this game with about seventeen reserves just in case everyone falls apart again.  Both sides are playing a bit shit at the moment, but I reckon the Bunnies will get home in a scrappy, low-scoring affair. 

Sydney Roosters vs New Zealand Warriors

Warriors playmaker and human hard-on Shaun Johnson was reportedly injured during training during the week and is a “maybe” to play in this game.  If he doesn’t play, it will throw tissue consumption statistics in New Zealand into complete disarray.  Meanwhile, the Rooters are about as strong as a team with James Moloney in it could possibly be.  I would like to see the Roosters salary cap details, please.  Yes, all of them.  And a beer.  And a tissue.  Thank you.  Chooks to cheat home by eight.

Brisbane Broncos vs Wests Tigers

I have been trying to imagine the Tigers repeating their effort against the Rabbitohs from a few weeks back, but I just can’t see it happening again.  The Broncos are just looking too damn good right now – they are not playing magical football, but they’re getting it done with some grinding, smart play.  The fact that they won six in a row during Origin, are close to full strength and playing the bottom-placed team doesn’t really give anyone many other options other than to tip a big Brissy win.  And it hurts me to say that, because I still hate Brisbane because of Mick Hancock.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

This will be a good test for the Cowboys to prove that they are true premiership contenders – Manly are in good form but under shit-tins of pressure to win (how the fuck are they still a possibility to make the finals?), so this will be a good indicator of the Cowboys’ mettle.  The Cowbs will rely on JT to take them home, while Daly Chery-Evans will need to stand up again to bring home the bacon.  Carn you Cowbs.

NRL 2015 - Round 18: No more Origin bullshit wheee!

There were two stories that dominated the NRL landscape this week – one was the fact that Cameron Smith didn’t cure paraplegia following Alex Johnson’s incident last year, and the other was the constant “will he/won’t he” debate around whether Robbie Farah would overcome his injuries to play in Wednesday night’s State of Origin decider. 

Cam Smith copped a dead-set flogging from the Channel 9 60-Minute “journalists” to the point that he has put a media ban on them.  Cameron Smith, captain of the national team plus the Melbourne Storm plus the newly-crowned champions of the world, the Queensland Maroons Origin side, will not speak to the “major” provider of rugby league in Australia.  I bet there are about a thousand other players right now wishing they’d done the same thing a whole lot earlier. 

After what felt like thirty seven years of hype, we can now officially put Robbie Farah into the “who fucking cares if he plays or not” category.  Let’s be honest, the guy is no Johnathan Thurston or Andrew Johns, who would dominate an opposition if you hacked off one of their legs with a dull and rusty soup spoon, this is Robbie Farah.  “Oh noes, Robbie isn’t playing!” the NSW selectors fretted.  “Before we officially forfeit this game, get… I don’t know… anyone else to play that position.  I think we’ll manage.”  Turns out that QLD won by the small margin of 46 points, a deficit I’m just not sure that Rob Farah, with his busted shoulder and fractured hand, would not have been able to close. 

So congrats to Queensland, who showed that the best offence is a great defence, and successfully (hopefully) ended the representative careers of Pearce, Hodkinson  and Hopoate for NSW, and proved that DCE really is shit.  So despite being a NSW supporter, I think they’ve done the game a huge favour. 

Round 18

Canberra Raiders vs Newcastle Knights

A cold, rainy Friday night at GIO stadium is just what the doctor ordered.  To be honest, giving Canberra their first/only Friday night game just as an ice age is approaching is a bit rude.  With all fingers crossed inside my mittens, Canberra will walk over the top of Newcastle in this one, who, despite starting the season well, now find themselves on the bottom of the ladder.  And there’s no better way to lift your morale and get back into footy than with a trip to the nation’s capital just as the sleet starts coming down.  Raiders by a dozen.

Penrith Panthers vs Sydney Roosters

I reckon the Panthers could almost sneak this one in… but I also reckoned that smartphones wouldn’t catch on.  Although I did have a dream the other night that Australia would be 3/87 in the cricket – but it turned out that it was England who were 3/87.  Spooky, eh?  Roosters by 10 or so.  Or Panthers by 10 or so.  It’s all the same.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Brisbane Broncos

A still-drunk Brisbane side take on a still-shit Bulldogs team in what is destined to be a cracker of a match.  I’ll watch this one just to see Hodges have a vom after the first 10 minutes.  After that I probably won’t be too interested, to be honest.  Broncos by 8.

New Zealand Warriors vs Melbourne Storm

The Storm always struggle against the Warriors, from memory.  Whether it’s the players, the strategies, the defence, there’s just something about the Warriors that troubles the Storm.  Although I could be thinking of a different team in a different sport, or even a team that doesn’t actually exist.  It might be a video game or something.  Warriors by 13.

Cronulla Sharks vs St George Illawarra Dragons

I don’t care who wins this game, but I hope the Sharkies do, because I’ve tipped them.  I figure that the Dragons will have a million players out with injuries, suspensions and court appearances, so I’m giving the benefit of the doubt to the Cronullas.  Not by much though. 

Gold Coast Titans vs Manly Sea Eagles

Congrats to Manly for finally sneaking their way off the bottom of the ladder, and are now sitting pretty in third last position.  YAY!  They will continue their “winning” ways by putting it to the Titans, who will hopefully give Chery-Evans a shellacking for not following through with his contract deal… but then will probably be thankful that he didn’t sign with them because he’s a bit shit.  

NRL 2015 Round 17: Too much weekend, not enough footy

Another split round this week, which will no doubt throw up a whole bunch of questions, like:  Who the fuck will win this one? 

Actually, that’s pretty much my questioning each week, come to think of it.  It’s a pretty topsy-turvy kind of comp this year anyway, so throw in a handful of games without Origin players, and I’m fucking at sixes and sevens as to who to pick. 

Former NRL player Karmichael Hunt admitted this week that he (and a thousand of his team-mates) used speed and cocaine during the off-season (and probably the regular season, pre-season, post-season and every second Wednesday morning).  This has taken a shitload of heat off the current NRL players who are under investigation for using speed and cocaine, which is a welcome turn of events, and possibly the best thing that Hunt has done for the game.

Unfortunately there’s always a yang to someone else’s yin in this sport, and the Sydney Roosters have undone all of Karmichael’s good deeds and have brought rugby league into disrepute once again:

The Roosters were allowed to ask Bieber one question:  What's it like playing in front of a big crowd?

The NRL has announced that from the 2016 season, interchanges will be reduced from ten to eight per team in an effort to highlight athletic ability, increase unpredictability and entertainment, and to ensure that George Rose is never signed to another club again.  While I think that less interchanges is a good idea, it will bring about people milking injuries to get a “free” penalty sub, and will reduce the impact of the gigantic fucking behemoth props that are running around destroying everything in their path and turn everyone into second-rowers. 

Plus, there are a few other rule changes that I’d prefer to see – players need to take more onus on ball security.  Just because there’s a bloke tackling your arm doesn’t mean he’s trying to illegally rip it out of your fingers (unless he’s Michael Ennis).  There needs to be more action taking on ‘blocking’ when a high kick goes up; it’s like a fucking NFL defensive line at the moment, and there should be some fucking guy keeping his fucking eye on the fucking water runners and trainers who go out on the field.  The Broncos have employed Allan Langer as one of their water boys, so they give him a couple of Powerade bottles, tell him to stand behind the defensive line and he directs the players around the ground.  It’s no wonder that the Australian team keeps getting beaten – they have no idea what they’re doing when it isn’t being fed straight to them.  Langer isn’t the only one who does it, but there are trainers who spend more time on the field than the players.  In 2018, they might have to bring in a rule that requires two water-boy substitutions per game just to even things out.  

Round 17

Penrith Panthers vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Both of these teams need to get their fucking consistency in order.  I can’t rightly tip anyone with their current form.  But I can’t go past Souths based on last week – John Sutton ran the ball gloriously, and racked up more metres than the Employee of the Month at the ruler making factory. 

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

The Cowbs let through 24 unanswered points in the second half last week, derailing their 12-game unbeaten streak, and proving that they really do struggle without Johnathan Thurston.  However, the Red V are missing Dugan, Merrin and Frizzell (and probably a couple more), so anything – or nothing – could happen.  I’m going for the Dragoons, but I’m not confident.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Cronulla Sharks

I wish I could be decidedly average at my job and still get paid $10 million like the Manly half-line.  This will be their last chance to get any kind of form back – if you can’t beat Cronulla, what fucking good are you?

Wests Tigers vs Parramatta Eels

Well, the Eels get to do what no one thought would happen this year – play a team lower than them on the ladder.  And they fucking deserve to be there too; the Tiges are playing absolutely dog’s balls right now.  It’s a rare kind of thing to say, but I’m giving the Eels my “cannot possibly lose this one” stamp of approval this week.  Sure, that stamp didn’t work out too well last week, but I still believe in it.

NRL 2015 - Round 16: Contracts are balls

This has been a weird year of NRL so far; the quality of the games has been, for the most part, fucking tops – there have been a thousand games decided by just a few points, leads change fifty billion times a match, and there is no amount of points large enough that can’t be chased down.  So why-oh-why-oh-why (oh why) does all the bullshit off the field overshadow the action that goes on over the weekend?  At least in recent years, we’ve had dickhead NRL players taking the focus off the NRL by getting drunk, taking drugs, bashing people, pissing in their own face, getting arrested and stealing cars.  This year, it’s dickhead players dicking around with contract negotiations, and CEO fuck-ups that are taking the sheen off a stellar season.  All this fucking boardroom bullshit is turning this year into a really crappy John Grisham novel, to be later adapted into a boring fucking movie starring Matthew McConaughey as Daly Chery-Evans and Jack Nicholson as the Titans CEO.

The latest player to become a character in The Tunnel (yes, I just named Grisham’s novel – it’s a clever double-meaning that refers to both the player’s entrance onto the field AND a player’s entrance to his bum… I should have mentioned that there’s a fair amount of homoeroticism in this novel) is Keiran Foran (to be played by that guy who played Peeta in the Hunger Games movies).  Not to be out-done by his Manly team-mate Daly Chery-Evans, Keiran Foran backflipped on his contract with the Eels, then backflipped AGAIN to stay with them.  There is still some wriggle-room for further acrobatic endeavours due to Parramatta being run like a brothel (the brothel owner will be played by Bryan Brown).

Other player news from around the clubs sees Greg Bird (to be played by the guy that played Tug from Home and Away in about 1996) leaving the Titans at the end of the season, and is in negotiations with… Canberra?  OH GET FUCKED.  Fuck that fucking fuck.  We don’t fucking want him.  If he seriously comes here, I’m buying myself a Warriors jersey.  Hey, bro. 

The loss of Bird leaves the Titans with a bit of a personnel problem.  They are looking to plug their halves gaps by enticing Todd Carney back to the country… probably with a bottle of bourbon and a staffy.  Todd Carney and the Gold Coast would really only be a good combination for one thing:  a reality tv show.  Todd Carney will be played by the kid from the Lube Mobile ads.  Raiders prop Dave Shillington announced that he is doing a mercy dash to the Goldie next year.  At this stage, Shillo will be playing as the entire front row, lock, left centre, fullback and one interchange spot.  Shillington won’t be appearing in The Tunnel unfortunately. 

NSW Origin “star” Trent Hodkinson has been released by the Bulldogs and signed with the Knights… who are keen to fill the gap that Kurt Gidley will leave with someone of equal or lesser talents, it seems.  It’s quite a turn-up when your club can’t wait to get rid of you, but your state decides that you’re good enough to warrant a position.  Or maybe it’s a budget thing – NSW already had a “Hodkinson” jersey printed, so they might as well get their money’s worth.  Those jumpies are worth like $180 and stuff.  Hodko will be played by Jake Busey.  

In proper off-field drama, Michael Jennings (Denzel Washington and NO THAT’S NOT RACIST), celebrated his Man of the Match performance in Origin II by punching a boom gate and getting arrested.   It’s all a bit odd, really, especially considering Jennings’ previously clean record, that was almost successfully hidden by his club.  Fans of Jennings can now look forward to 2017, when he is next scheduled to put in a decent football performance… and fly-kick a parking meter. 

Round 16

Brisbane Broncos vs Newcastle Knights

Can’t go past the Horses on this one – I predict a big game from Andrew Gee and Steve Renouf, and despite a spirited performance from Mark Sergeant, the Knights will fall. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Manly Sea Eagles

I'm keen to see the Burgess boys run at the other Burgess and hopefully Gewart at Bewart and DCE.  This could be a tricky one - Souths are playing absolutely fucking numptyballs at the moment, and Manly look like they’re about to get on a roll.  So there’s only one thing to do – tip Souths.  Because… well… Manly.

New Zealand Warriors vs Canberra Raiders

Another heart-breaker for the Raiders last week with a one-point loss, and a come-from behind (I think) win for the Warriors, who are finally starting to show some chutzpah.  I’m going against the Raiders this week, to ensure them a win and a foothold on the top eight.  Or another tip right for me.  Either way.

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs  Cronulla Sharks

Eleven wins on the trot for the Cowbs, which is a pretty decent little run they’re on – it hasn’t always been pretty, and they’ve got through in a couple of one-pointers, but they’re still winning.  Cronulla will be another speedbump for North QLD, but one of those small ones that you don’t even slow down for.

Parramatta Eels vs St George Illawarra Dragons

St George.  This game gets my “guaranteed totally not to lose” award for the week.

Sydney Roosters vs Gold Coast Titans

I don’t much like the Roosters, but I don’t even have feelings towards the Titans (except Greg Bird), but fuck it, they’ll win.  Stupid Roosters.

Wests Tigers vs Penrith Panthers

Oh god, who cares?  I’m going for the Tigers, but this is a classic “I don’t give a fuck who wins” game, in the “I have to tip someone” category. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Melbourne Storm

I reckon the Storm are about to go into some serious decline… and when they get beaten by the Doggies by a thousand this weekend, I’ll be there saying, “I fucking predicted this!  I am a tipping genius!”  If they don’t, I’ll look a bit stupid, but I’m kind of ok with that.

You can just feel the intelligence radiating from this man

NRL 2015 - Round 15: I'm sure something happened in the NRL this week, I just don't know what it was

It was lucky that last week was a split round, as going by my tipping form, I would have scored a big ol’ none from eight.  None from four is much better.  As the saying goes, “When less teams are playing, it’s easier to tip!” 

Fucking fuck.  However, as the other saying goes: "If you can tip zero in a round, you can tip a full one.  Just… do exactly the opposite and... you know... get them right next time."  It's not a well-known saying.

Onto the week that was - HOLY SHIT WHAT A GREAT GAME OF ORIGIN is what I heard when I went into work yesterday, having missed most of the game as I was fighting crime with my pet dinosaur.  I did manage to catch the last 10 minutes or so of the game, and it looked decidedly “oooh” and “errrr” at its finest moments.  Once again, it seems that the refs tried to get in the way of a good game and fuck it all up for everyone.  In any case, we head to Suncorp in three weeks (surprise surprise) to settle this best-of-three thing once and for all.  I know, it’s like there’s some kind of marketing agenda at hand here.  

Congrats to NSW for squaring the ledger; it couldn't have been easy to defeat a team with so many half-arsed efforts being produced.  

To have fielded Billy Slater at all was a stupid move from the Maroons, as he was obviously hampered by an injured shoulder, was lacking in confidence with the ball, and most importantly, proved that he cannot perform without Cameron Smith and Cooper Cronk.  Just ask his wife.

So Billy has ruled himself out for the rest of the season to get some surgery on his shoulder.  His usual grubbiness and cheating has been well below 100% this year, and his shoulder problems have been at the forefront of that.  Slater's absence will be a real blow for Storm and QLD supporters, as Slater has been threatening to return to top form lately.  It is however, good news for people like me, who fucking hate Billy Slater.  

Round 15

Manly vs Tigers

It will be interesting to see how this pans out - the Tigers pack have a huge size advantage, but Manly have classier halves.  Daly Cherry-Evans should be well-rested from not doing fucking anything on Wednesday night, so might actually turn up to this game.  I'll be interested in seeing how the Taupau backs up from single-handedly fucking up the entire South Sydney team last week.  I reckon Manly will scrape through in a close one.

Raiders vs Cowboys

The Raiders will be buoyed by the fact that BJ Leilui has signed with the Green Machine after walking out on his Newcastle contract. Where you’d put a 120kg Kiwi with cornrows AND a mullet is anyone’s guess. Probably Mooseheads, actually.

If watching a scoreboard tick over is your idea of a good afternoon, then this game could be right up your alley. The Raiders can pretty much score at will through their left side with Williams, Croker and Lee... but anyone can score at will down the same side as the same trio leak tries. Will be great to see the form halves hit each other - Cowboys going for eleven wins on the trot... and I reckon they'll just get there.

Titans vs Warriors

Ooooh.  I’m spoilt for choice – which shit team do I tip this week?  Flip a coin and file this one under “gotta pick someone, I suppose.”  I love the Warriors, who am I kidding?  I just really, really REALLY wish they were a lot better.

Bulldogs vs Panthers

Penrith are master magicians – they have made their entire first grade team… disappear.  It hasn’t been a great year for the Panfers, especially considering their good form from last year.  But when you literally have every.single.one of your starting team out injured, what else can you do?  My money’s on the Dogs this weekend, who have one of the form players in the comp at the moment – keep an eye on Mbye, who is playing like a man who needs to get more vowels in his name.

Knights vs Sharks

Um.  Sharks.

Storm vs Broncos

Hmm.  Broncos?

Dragons vs Roosters

Uuuh.  Dragons.

It's nice that someone cares enough to have made this t-shirt.
It's a pity that it looks a bit shit.

NRL 2015 Round 14: N*Sync Round – Bye bye bye

As we sneak towards Origin II (and the sequel is hardly ever as good as the original, and the original was a bit shit, to be honest – let’s hope that this series of Origins is more Terminator 2 than Speed 2, if you get my Tokyo Drift?

In a quick rundown on Origin news, Trent Hodkinson maintained his position at five-eighth for NSW.  It has scientists baffled.  When you play on the same team as Mitchell Pearce, lose the game and STILL have people baying for your blood, you know you’ve done something wrong. 

Blues coach Lozza Daley told Rugby League Week, “… for me, when I’m picking representative sides, I want blokes who have played consistently well for a period of time.”  This is the closest proof we have that Daley and the selectors are yet to see a game of football since 1996. 

To compensate for a shitty halves pairing, NSW have bolstered their backline by including both Morris twins.  This will no doubt relieve spectators and commentators alike, as we don’t have to keep second-guessing ourselves when “Morris” does something.  And when you have Morris², things usually happen.  They often involve dislocated shoulders, torn hamstrings and broken hearts, but still, that’s three more things than happened in Origin I.

The QLD camp is crying about Cooper Cronk being ruled out with a knee injury suffered during Melbourne’s win over Penrith last week.  In even worse news, Daly Cherry-Evans has been selected to take his place, fresh from leading Manly to a 40-point loss last week.  At least the Maroons are trying to match the Blues’ bizarre halves choices.  I guess Mal is really “sticking his neck out” with that selection, despite DCE being an “albatross around the neck” for his teams at the moment.  But he has put his “neck on the line” for his team, and it was always “neck and neck” between him and Morgan to take over from Cronk.  So Chery is “up to his neck in it” and he knows he’s got a few people “breathing down his neck” if it all goes “neck up.”

Daly Chery-Evans has a long neck.

Billy Slater has declared that Wednesday’s Origin game could be his “last for the season.”  To be honest, Slats, we didn’t even notice that you’d played this year so far.  Billy’s ongoing shoulder problem will require surgery following the game, effectively ruling his 2015 season with the Storm, Queensland and Australia well and truly dusted.  Personally, I’d leave him out completely, especially considering rumours that Greg Inglis will be moved from his current centre position to play on the wing in order for him to regain some good form, despite his preferred club position being fullback.  Why not play Greggy at a position he actually fucking knows, instead of fucking around with fucking cripples like Billy fucking Slater, who just wants to play so he can get a handy from Cam Smith at halftime at the MCG and tick something off his bucket list? 

On the obverse, it would put Inglis up against the devastating defence of Will Hopoate, so if scoring about eighteen tries in a game is what it takes to get his confidence back, then it’s probably not the worst idea in the world.

Round 14

Holy fuck, what was with last week?  The Sharks continued their run against the Roosters, the Cowbs came back from 24 points down… probably some other stuff as well. 

To be honest, I would put a good ol’ Geoff Toovey INVESTIGATION into the Sydney Roosters following last week’s bullshit effort.  If they all didn’t have about $500,000 on the Sharks to win, I’d be fucking surprised.  The amount of errors they made – and the way they made them – were like when you were playing cricket in the back yard with your uncle, who would spoon catches back to you so he could stop batting and get stuck into the good beers that he’d brought along instead of nursing the one Melbourne Bitter that he’d been handed when he walked in.  ANYWAY, it was obvious when he was trying to get out, and it was obvious that the Roosters had no intention of winning that game.

Wests Tigers vs  South Sydney Rabbitohs

Instead of having byes next year, it has been floated that teams just play the Tigers instead.  They are guaranteed 2 points in any case.

New Zealand Warriors vs Sydney Roosters

This game is practically a home-game for the Roosters, considering the amount of Kiwis in the team… which in theory makes in a Warriors away game… so you can expect the shit version of NZ to turn up.  It would make it even more homely for the Chooks if no one turns up – they love playing to empty stadiums. 

Gold Coast Titans vs Canterbury Bulldogs

I reckon the Titans are probably about ready to upset the Dogs, who I don’t rate AT ALL… but I’m probably pretty wrong about that.  Yeah, tip Dogs.  It makes sense, at least.

Melbourne Storm vs Parramatta Eels

The Storm will be without Smith, Cronk, Slater, Korobiete and Chambers for this game, and so will probably win by about thirty, instead of the seventy that they would normally do.  

Ben Ross, proudly sponsored by Pringles.  Once you pop, you can’t stop.  

The Paleo Way

Bread is a wonder food.  As in, it makes me wonder how we ever got around to eating it.

At some point, someone said, "I want to eat this grass."  And they did, and realised that it was gross, inedible and probably had cow piss all over it.

So they said, "What if I crush it up?"  Crushing the grass did not help at all.  Grass is not wine, man.  Now it's all fucking flaky and gets stuck in this guy's throat.  

"Hey, what if I take out all of the shitty chaff bits?"  No, it's all still shit, and he's choking like a bitch.  

"I know, I'll add water.  Water makes things nice."  Look, this is probably the best idea they ever had.  Not as much choking, but still not really eating.

I'll just assume that the next phase was discovered as all good discoveries were - after a few pints down at the local.  The guy took his bowl of wet grainy bits and put yeast in it, probably after a quick game of "can beer improve this?"  It did, but it wasn't that hard to improve in the first place. 

Presumably he then took his bowl of yeast & grain and went home.  Then, in a flash of drunken brilliance, bunged his mushy beer into the oven and fell asleep on the couch.  He woke up in the morning and had the first piece of toast ever.

Seriously, there's so many steps in here involving things that you can't eat. Someone was just fucking determined to eat grass.