This has been a weird year of NRL
so far; the quality of the games has been, for the most part, fucking tops –
there have been a thousand games decided by just a few points, leads change
fifty billion times a match, and there is no amount of points large enough that
can’t be chased down. So why-oh-why-oh-why
(oh why) does all the bullshit off the field overshadow the action that goes on
over the weekend? At least in recent
years, we’ve had dickhead NRL players taking the focus off the NRL by getting
drunk, taking drugs, bashing people, pissing in their own face, getting
arrested and stealing cars. This year, it’s
dickhead players dicking around with contract negotiations, and CEO fuck-ups
that are taking the sheen off a stellar season.
All this fucking boardroom bullshit is turning this year into a really crappy
John Grisham novel, to be later adapted into a boring fucking movie starring
Matthew McConaughey as Daly Chery-Evans and Jack Nicholson as the Titans CEO.
The latest player to become a
character in The Tunnel (yes, I just named Grisham’s novel – it’s a clever
double-meaning that refers to both the player’s entrance onto the field AND a
player’s entrance to his bum… I should have mentioned that there’s a fair
amount of homoeroticism in this novel) is Keiran Foran (to be played by that
guy who played Peeta in the Hunger Games movies). Not to be out-done by his Manly team-mate
Daly Chery-Evans, Keiran Foran backflipped on his contract with the Eels, then
backflipped AGAIN to stay with them. There
is still some wriggle-room for further acrobatic endeavours due to Parramatta
being run like a brothel (the brothel owner will be played by Bryan Brown).
Other player news from around the
clubs sees Greg Bird (to be played by the
guy that played Tug from Home and Away in about 1996) leaving the Titans at the end of the season, and is in negotiations with…
Canberra? OH GET FUCKED. Fuck that fucking fuck. We don’t fucking want him. If he seriously comes here, I’m buying myself
a Warriors jersey. Hey, bro.
The loss of Bird leaves the
Titans with a bit of a personnel problem.
They are looking to plug their halves gaps by enticing Todd Carney back
to the country… probably with a bottle of bourbon and a staffy. Todd Carney and the Gold Coast would really
only be a good combination for one thing:
a reality tv show. Todd Carney will
be played by the kid from the Lube Mobile ads.
Raiders prop Dave Shillington announced that he is doing a mercy dash to
the Goldie next year. At this stage,
Shillo will be playing as the entire front row, lock, left centre, fullback and
one interchange spot. Shillington won’t
be appearing in The Tunnel unfortunately.
NSW Origin “star” Trent Hodkinson
has been released by the Bulldogs and signed with the Knights… who are keen to
fill the gap that Kurt Gidley will leave with someone of equal or lesser
talents, it seems. It’s quite a turn-up
when your club can’t wait to get rid of you, but your state decides that you’re
good enough to warrant a position. Or
maybe it’s a budget thing – NSW already had a “Hodkinson” jersey printed, so
they might as well get their money’s worth.
Those jumpies are worth like $180 and stuff. Hodko will be played by Jake Busey.
In proper off-field drama, Michael
Jennings (Denzel Washington and NO THAT’S NOT RACIST), celebrated his Man of
the Match performance in Origin II by punching a boom gate and getting arrested. It’s all a bit odd, really, especially
considering Jennings’ previously clean record, that was almost successfully hidden by his club. Fans of Jennings can now look forward to 2017, when he is next scheduled
to put in a decent football performance… and fly-kick a parking meter.
Round 16
Brisbane Broncos vs Newcastle Knights
Can’t go past the Horses on this
one – I predict a big game from Andrew Gee and Steve Renouf, and despite a
spirited performance from Mark Sergeant, the Knights will fall.
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Manly Sea Eagles
I'm keen to see the Burgess boys
run at the other Burgess and hopefully Gewart at Bewart and
DCE. This could be a tricky one -
Souths are playing absolutely fucking numptyballs at the moment, and Manly look
like they’re about to get on a roll. So
there’s only one thing to do – tip Souths.
Because… well… Manly.
New Zealand Warriors vs Canberra Raiders
Another heart-breaker for the
Raiders last week with a one-point loss, and a come-from behind (I think) win
for the Warriors, who are finally starting to show some chutzpah. I’m going against the Raiders this week, to
ensure them a win and a foothold on the top eight. Or another tip right for me. Either way.
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Cronulla Sharks
Eleven wins on the trot for the
Cowbs, which is a pretty decent little run they’re on – it hasn’t always been
pretty, and they’ve got through in a couple of one-pointers, but they’re still
winning. Cronulla will be another
speedbump for North QLD, but one of those small ones that you don’t even slow
down for.
Parramatta Eels vs St George Illawarra Dragons
St George. This game gets my “guaranteed totally not to
lose” award for the week.
Sydney Roosters vs Gold Coast Titans
I don’t much like the Roosters,
but I don’t even have feelings towards the Titans (except Greg Bird), but fuck
it, they’ll win. Stupid Roosters.
Wests Tigers vs Penrith Panthers
Oh god, who cares? I’m going for the Tigers, but this is a
classic “I don’t give a fuck who wins” game, in the “I have to tip someone”
category.
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Melbourne Storm
I reckon the Storm are about to
go into some serious decline… and when they get beaten by the Doggies by a
thousand this weekend, I’ll be there saying, “I fucking predicted this! I am a tipping genius!” If they don’t, I’ll look a bit stupid, but I’m
kind of ok with that.
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| You can just feel the intelligence radiating from this man |
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