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There are many thing in life that are boring. Going to work meetings, going to work conferences, being at work, waiting to go home from work… the list goes on. Some people describe this sensation as “boring as batshit,” signifying that batshit holds the upper echelon in the boredom ranks. That’s a big call, considering that there are a great number of things that people might find boring.

My problem is that when you think about it, batshit isn’t that boring. For a start, it comes from bats. Bats are pretty cool; I mean they hang upside down and eat fruit or drink your blood. They use sonar when they fly. They turn into vampires. They fight crime. Batshit can be used as an ingredient in gunpowder.

Let’s compare that to other types of shit:

Birdshit is boring. It’s all over the place and gets stuck to your car.
Dogshit is boring. If you step in it, it gets into the tread on your shoes and you stink.
Catshit is boring. It’s so boring that you make your cat go into another room and shit into a box, that’s how bored by it you are.
Cowshit is boring – it’s big, but otherwise fairly uninteresting.
Peopleshit is commonplace and no one wants to see it.

So the next time you’re sitting around at work and someone says, “Hey man, what did you think of that report?” don’t answer with, “Boring as batshit,” because you’ve since learned that there are many things more boring than the droppings of our flying rodents, so you should say, “It was as boring as the dry birdshit that's on my windscreen, which has been smeared everywhere because I tried to clean it with my windscreen wipers. And FYI, it can’t be used as gunpowder.”

Then you can go and have a coffee.