Thursday, May 28, 2020

NRL 2020 - Round 3: We're back, motherfuckers!


Hi everyone, Mister Evil Breakfast is back to cover all things NRL – sorry I missed a few games; I was taking a relaxing cruise (thanks to my sponsors at the Ruby Princess) following a bat tasting / sex tour (you know how those things go) of China.  I came back feeling a bit off, to be honest, but I didn’t want to let a little bit of a cold get in the way of my hectic social life, so I made sure that I went out to see people every day; the worse I felt, the more people I visited. 

I feel much better now, especially after I went to see Bryce Cartwright’s doctor wife for some medical advice, followed by Bronson Xerri’s doctor for a booster shot.  After a quick jog around the earth and bench-pressing Anthony Milford after his 11am Maccas run, I feel great.

Bit fucken good to have the NRL back again, innit?  It’s kind of strange to feel like Phil Gould on Origin night when it’s actually just the opening of Round 3, but after a tough isolation period (right, Nathan Cleary?), we will take whatever we can get.

As I have only just remembered my blog password (note to self: it’s latrellmitchell19$10m) and I deadset thought the footy started tomorrow, I’d better crack on with some predictions.

How good were NRL coaches at playing rugby league - NRL

NRL Round 3 2020

Broncos vs Parramattas

My mind is fuzzy (I visited Josh Dugan on the weekend), but I’m pretty sure the last time these teams met, the Broncos were on the wrong end of a 58-point shemozzle.  Here’s hoping that the Eels pick up from where they left off, because sometimes it’s just nice to read online comments from irate inbred Queenslanders when they lose terribly.

Cowboys vs Tits

Speaking of inbred Queenslanders, this game should be banned before it starts COVID-20.  With reports that Bryce Cartwright will not be playing (due to polio, possibly), the Cowboys are going to have to find a whole new defensive lapse in the Gold Coast armour.  Normally that wouldn’t take long, but you can’t really give North QLD too much credit.

Roosters vs Rabbitohs

Finally, a game that is worth watching… on paper.  But since it’s the Roosters, they’ll just slow the whole fucking game down, wrestle, complain, cheat, bribe and ultimately most likely notch up their first win of the season. 

Warriors vs Dragons

Fuck, NRL, is this your idea of a “welcome back” party?  I feel sorry for the Warriors, who somehow managed to injure their entire starting line-up during the break.  For those unaware of how breaks work, it would be like failing the following school year during the Christmas holiday.  Sometimes I think I’d like to go to New Zealand, but then I look at their footy team and just stay at home.

Sharks vs Tigers

OHMYGOD the Sharks have been hit with another drug cheating scandal.  Fuck me drunk, who would have ever guessed that would happen?  It’s just unheard of, if it was 2016.  Here’s hoping that they all get caught in 13 unrelated incidents on the way to the game and they have to call it off and send the Sharkies to Perth, or Wuhan or whichever one is more likely to kill off a franchise quicker.

Storm vs Raiders go fucking Raiders woo

AW YEAH go you fucken Raiders.  After having a slanging match with a journo in which only half of the words were misspelled, the Raiders’ John Bateman will be keen to prove that his heart lies in Canberra.  It would also be nice for the other players to prove that too.  All eyes will be on Curtis Scott as he lines up against his old team.  And I mean old, like Cam Smith was mates with Noah, which is how he knows so much about boats.

Panthers vs Knights

This one is straight from the “who gives a fuck” vault, and the answer is “not me.”

Manly vs Doggies

Oh Jesus, why do you do this to me?  On one hand, fuck Manly.  But then, fuck the Doggies too.