NRL 2018 - Round 5

OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED LAST WEEK?  Winners were losers and losers became champions and the Raiders still suck but even more importantly, the Broncos suck even more.  Not content with having the worst halfline since the 2018 Canberra Raiders side, the Broncos decided to turn their super-suckiness up to 11 by also having a forward pack made out of marshmallows and glitter, and invited their much-vaunted backline to underperform as well, with veteran Darius Boyd leading the way with his fear of tackling and being tackled.  I don't know about you, but I think that having your captain and last line of defence attempt to stop a 110kg man running towards them in the same way that my wife waves a bee away from her is a pretty fucking bad sign.  I get that Boyd is somehow the captain of Brisbane, so he is expected to play for them, but, you know, maybe he, like, shouldn’t be.

Brissy coach Wayne Bennett expressed his disappointment in the team, saying “I am expressing my disappointment in the team” at the press conference.  Wayne was so disappointed, in fact, that he made one change to the team that provided as much footy flair as a sack full of puppies, replacing winger Jonas Pearson with Corey Oates, who returns from injury.  OOOOH EVERYONE IS SCARED OF YOU NOW, HORSIES.  Please don’t bring in a dickfingered second-rower on the wing. 

It’s actually a pretty strange time in QLD right now.  When the Gold Coast is the best performing Queensland team over the Broncos, Cowboys and Storm, you know something weird is going on. 

I hate it when my Darius Boyd action figure falls over

 ROUND 5

 Canberra Raiders vs Canterbury Bulldogs

I’ve got a good feeling about the Raiders this week, and it’s different to my other good feelings about them.  Two changes for Canberra after Ricky Stuart tore them all a new arsehole after last week’s shitfight, with Austin and Papalli being dropped; Austin for having exactly one play that he repeats for 80 minutes, and Papa because he’s a big fat potato.  With the rest of the Raiders officially on notice, it’s a desperate team playing for their salaries now. 

Cronulla Sharks vs Sydney Roosters

The Sharks managed to knock off the defending premiers last week, so obviously they have decided to change the team up for this game, welcoming back the Human Ken Doll to completely fuck things up at five-eighth for them.  I think the flogging that the Roosters copped last week will spur them to a million-point victory in this one.

St George Dragons vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

You’d expect the Drags to pound the Bunnies this weekend, but for some reason they have been traditionally a bit shit against them, winning just 2 out of 11 games since 2011.  Although without Sam Burgess, who will miss a few weeks following a vicious neckbutt on his elbow, I think the Saints will go marching in this week.  Fuck I can’t believe I just said that.

Wests Tigers vs Melbourne Storm

Why are these teams playing each other again?  They met in Round 2 – I doubt Billy Slater’s socks have even finished drying by now.  The Tigers shocked the world with a win early in the season, and the Storm have been looking really ordinary so far this year, so it wouldn’t surprise me to see another upset.  It also wouldn’t surprise me to see the Storm win either. 

NZ Warriors vs Nth Qld Cowboys

The wheels have officially fallen off the ol ‘Cowboy bandwagon this year, as they are struggling to adapt to the opposition tactics of “tackle Thurston.”  Everyone is waiting for the Warriors to do what the Warriors do best and be shit again, but I’m hoping that that happens a bit down the track. 

Newcastle Knights vs Brisbane Broncos

LOL @ Broncos.  Go Knights.

Gold Coast Titans vs Manly Sea Eagles

This is a tough one to call; it’s Manly’s week to be completely terrible again, and the Titans really aren’t very good, despite their victory last round.  I’m tipping the Sea Eagles in a close one, but this game gets the official Mister Evil Breakfast I Don’t Really Know Award for the week, as well as the official Mister Evil Breakfast I Don’t Really Care Either trophy.

Parramatta Eels vs Penrith Panthers

It would be great for Parramatta to keep losing, just in case the Raiders need a buffer at the bottom of the ladder.  That’s all.  

I don't remember this commandment in the bible