NRL 2018 - Round 6

Welcome to Round 6 of the 2018 season, which will be noted in history as “the first time in 92 fucking consecutive rounds of NRL that the fucking Storm are not in the top eight.”  What a beautiful time to be alive.  Unless you play for Melbourne, I guess.

It’s also officially the week that the legs fell off the Broncos, with veteran Sam Thaiday admitting that the Horse is really just in it for shits and giggles following another disappointing “effort” against the Knights. 

 I’m all for people having fun, but you know, not when you’re actually being paid to perform a job, even one as fucking menial as “playing football to entertain a bunch of toothless spastics from Brisbane.”  This is just Thaiday basically admitting that the current Bronco’s squad are just a bunch of mates who catch up at the gym a few times a week & play a bit of slap and tickle together while demanding over $500,000 per year to do it.  At least he has the backing of captain Darius Boyd, who is also desperately trying to hold onto the dream life (understandably) and has claimed that “the team doesn’t need to change!” It might be harder to convince the paying masses who keep you elbow-deep in KFC that despite the losses, underperformance, lack of interest, increasing waist size of Milford, Bird and Thaiday, a captain whose idea of leadership is to stand at dummy-half and flap his arms at the referee for a penalty at every tackle, and a statistic that reads “try assists from Broncos halfline in 2018: 0” that the team is fine just the way it is.  Latest reports are that Jack Bird will replace Kodi Nikorima in the halfline, but this still doesn’t fix the issue that the Broncos don’t actually have a halfback in their squad.  Due to a massive mismanagement that sees Bird commanding over $1 million per year to occasionally play and receive the ball around four times a game, the Broncos don’t have the money to recruit any good players for a while. 

Enjoy the holiday while it lasts, you fat bastards.

DICKHEAD OF THE WEEK

Welcome to the Dickhead Club, Jack Wighton!  Ol’ Jacky Boy has been hit with three charges of inflicting actual bodily harm, four counts of assault and one count of urinating in public.  The story is that Canberra whipping boy Jack Wighton was taking a wee in the alley next to the Academy nightclub (which I think should just be turned into a public bathroom anyway; anyone who has been on the turps in Canberra has defos pissed or vomited in that alley), when four punters who were probably there to take a piss as well recognised Wighton and gave him some advice about catching the ball, or used words over two syllables long, so he beat them all up.  Wighton has pleaded “not guilty” to all charges under the “Batman” defence; if you can take on four guys at once, you should be given a mask and a utility belt and the police should make a light that they shine in the sky whenever they need the services of a big dumb footy player who should be playing in the centres and has questionable ball handling skills. 

Despite the drama, Canberra Coach Ricky Sticky Stuart has named Jack in the starting line-up for this weekend, even though Canberra’s best game came last week when Wighton wasn’t playing, the playing structure had to be reshaped, and there were distinctly less dickheads on the field. 

Here’s hoping for at least two more concussions this round so we can get our positions back to the way they should be.

Round 6, bitches.

Sydney Roosters vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Holy shit, this is Latrell Mitchell up against Greg Inglis.  Channel 9’s commentary team should be sponsored by Kleenex for this game.  I’ll be surprised if Ray Warren makes it out alive, to be honest. 

Melbourne Storm vs Newcastle Knights

It’s so nice to see Melbourne struggling for a change.  I don’t think anyone would have predicted just how far they’d fall so quickly after losing Cooper Cronk.  I guess that’s what happens when your cheating old man players hang on for one season too long.  They’ll probably win but.  

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Cronulla Sharks

There are few sights in rugby league that rival watching the Sharks get beaten for pure entertainment.  Thankfully, we’ll see another one this weekend.  In a desperate bid to get a win, Cronulla are playing with their fourth variation of their spine since the start of the season.  It’s only round 6.  What a pack of dicks.

NZ Warriors vs Brisbane Broncos

Have fun, Broncos.  Please don’t ever change your team.  This week, they will show everyone how much fun they can have even when they’re getting beaten by 50.

North Queensland Cowboys vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Look, if there’s a team that can somehow get the Cowboys back into form, it’s gotta be the Bulldogs.  I am picturing Jonathan Thurston having a whole lot more time with the ball this week, seeing as it will be Aaron Woods trying to put pressure on him.  What a fucking useless bloke that guy is.  Woods, not Thurston.  And I’d say it to his face, too.  Woods, not Thursty.  Actually, I’d say it to Thursty as well, because it’s not really about him.

Canberra Motherfucking Raiders vs Parramatta Eels

The Raiders won last week in a performance that will no doubt catapult them into the finals and beyond.  It was probably the first time this year that they stepped up in defence and put in some hard effort, which they will need to provide again this week against a determined Parra outfit who are welcoming back King Clint Gutherson.  I don’t want to put too much pressure on a fullback in a struggling side playing his first game in nine months after tearing his ACL asunder, but if the Eels lose this week, it’s basically all his fault.  

Penrith Panthers vs Gold Coast Titans

Danananaaaaaa da na nanana dananananana nana dananaaaaaa.

No one cares.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Wests Tigers

It’s Manly’s week to put in a good effort again, after capitulating last round.  The Tigers must be wondering when their own rare vein of form is going to end – as we all are, to be honest.  This week is as good a week as any, I guess.

Rugby league is truly the sport of the "thinking man"

NRL 2018 - Round 5

OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED LAST WEEK?  Winners were losers and losers became champions and the Raiders still suck but even more importantly, the Broncos suck even more.  Not content with having the worst halfline since the 2018 Canberra Raiders side, the Broncos decided to turn their super-suckiness up to 11 by also having a forward pack made out of marshmallows and glitter, and invited their much-vaunted backline to underperform as well, with veteran Darius Boyd leading the way with his fear of tackling and being tackled.  I don't know about you, but I think that having your captain and last line of defence attempt to stop a 110kg man running towards them in the same way that my wife waves a bee away from her is a pretty fucking bad sign.  I get that Boyd is somehow the captain of Brisbane, so he is expected to play for them, but, you know, maybe he, like, shouldn’t be.

Brissy coach Wayne Bennett expressed his disappointment in the team, saying “I am expressing my disappointment in the team” at the press conference.  Wayne was so disappointed, in fact, that he made one change to the team that provided as much footy flair as a sack full of puppies, replacing winger Jonas Pearson with Corey Oates, who returns from injury.  OOOOH EVERYONE IS SCARED OF YOU NOW, HORSIES.  Please don’t bring in a dickfingered second-rower on the wing. 

It’s actually a pretty strange time in QLD right now.  When the Gold Coast is the best performing Queensland team over the Broncos, Cowboys and Storm, you know something weird is going on. 

I hate it when my Darius Boyd action figure falls over

 ROUND 5

 Canberra Raiders vs Canterbury Bulldogs

I’ve got a good feeling about the Raiders this week, and it’s different to my other good feelings about them.  Two changes for Canberra after Ricky Stuart tore them all a new arsehole after last week’s shitfight, with Austin and Papalli being dropped; Austin for having exactly one play that he repeats for 80 minutes, and Papa because he’s a big fat potato.  With the rest of the Raiders officially on notice, it’s a desperate team playing for their salaries now. 

Cronulla Sharks vs Sydney Roosters

The Sharks managed to knock off the defending premiers last week, so obviously they have decided to change the team up for this game, welcoming back the Human Ken Doll to completely fuck things up at five-eighth for them.  I think the flogging that the Roosters copped last week will spur them to a million-point victory in this one.

St George Dragons vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

You’d expect the Drags to pound the Bunnies this weekend, but for some reason they have been traditionally a bit shit against them, winning just 2 out of 11 games since 2011.  Although without Sam Burgess, who will miss a few weeks following a vicious neckbutt on his elbow, I think the Saints will go marching in this week.  Fuck I can’t believe I just said that.

Wests Tigers vs Melbourne Storm

Why are these teams playing each other again?  They met in Round 2 – I doubt Billy Slater’s socks have even finished drying by now.  The Tigers shocked the world with a win early in the season, and the Storm have been looking really ordinary so far this year, so it wouldn’t surprise me to see another upset.  It also wouldn’t surprise me to see the Storm win either. 

NZ Warriors vs Nth Qld Cowboys

The wheels have officially fallen off the ol ‘Cowboy bandwagon this year, as they are struggling to adapt to the opposition tactics of “tackle Thurston.”  Everyone is waiting for the Warriors to do what the Warriors do best and be shit again, but I’m hoping that that happens a bit down the track. 

Newcastle Knights vs Brisbane Broncos

LOL @ Broncos.  Go Knights.

Gold Coast Titans vs Manly Sea Eagles

This is a tough one to call; it’s Manly’s week to be completely terrible again, and the Titans really aren’t very good, despite their victory last round.  I’m tipping the Sea Eagles in a close one, but this game gets the official Mister Evil Breakfast I Don’t Really Know Award for the week, as well as the official Mister Evil Breakfast I Don’t Really Care Either trophy.

Parramatta Eels vs Penrith Panthers

It would be great for Parramatta to keep losing, just in case the Raiders need a buffer at the bottom of the ladder.  That’s all.  

I don't remember this commandment in the bible