NRL 2018 - Round 1

We are just two sleeps away (or if you’re Matthew Lodge, no sleeps) from the start of the 2018 rugby league season, and it couldn’t have come soon enough; following a bumper 2017 season, we had to wait a whole month for the Rugby League World Cup, the Big Bash League, the Ashes, the ODI series, the Australian Open, the T20 series, the Superbowl, the World Club Challenge, the Winter Olympics and the South African cricket tour.  I’m not going to say that there was ever too much sport on, but at one point I’m pretty sure that I almost intentionally watched golf. 

NRL season 2017 ended with a bang and a whimper as the Storm did what we all thought they’d do and thoroughly whack the Cowboys in the grand final to reign as premiers until the NRL check their accounts again.  Since then, the rugby league world has been given a thorough shake-up as coaches hit the “randomise” button for their teams and The Great Player Swap of 2017-18 was born. 

We've had Cooper Cronk move to the Roosters, which forced Mitchell Pearce out to Newcastle because he’s a little bitch who doesn’t like sharing his toys;  Matt Moylan repaid the Panthers’ loyalty of making him club captain by going to the Sharks alongside Josh Dugan; Sam Fucking Kasiano is at the Storm; Josh Reynolds is now a Tiger; Aaron Woods is at the Dogs; Ben Hunt left the Broncos and his 2015 nightmare for the Saints… and that’s just the top of the penguin on the iceberg lettuce. 

A huge point of interest for league fans this year will be how easily the new star players fit in with their new teammates.  I hope they don’t and everyone looks stupid for trading players like Pokemon cards, if Pokemon actually does involve trading cards.  I don’t know, I missed the whole Pokemon thing, but I’m pretty sure there’s a giant turtle and a talking cat involved.  And Pikachu, who is probably Cooper Cronk.

There have been so many trades over the off-season that there are plenty of grudge matches every week as former teammates become bitter enemies.  Here's hoping that dipshits like Aaron Woods and Josh Dugan get fucking snapped in half by their old teams.  But you know, that's just me.

Round 1

St George Dragons vs Brisbane Broncos

I don’t think the Broncs are going to bother too many teams this year, to be honest.  Anthony Milford and Kodi Nikorima haven’t got a long kicking game, are both a bit suspect in defence, make terrible decisions, are prone to panicking and have poor ball security.  They also don’t tip the pizza guy, disappear when it’s their shout at the bar and always have their phones on speaker. 

Newcastle Knights vs Manly Sea Eagles

I had a dream a few nights ago that Manly beat the Storm in the grand final, which was a bit shocking to everyone.  I like the fact that Newy have got themselves a brand-spanking shiny new team with established rep players, former rep players, disgraced rep players and last-chance rep players, as well as an injection of injury-prone young prodigies and a handful of blokes who are just happy to have a job.  While I think they’ll do way better this year than they have for the past few, I also think they’ll fall just short in this game.

North Queensland Cowboys vs Cronulla Sharks

Cronulla can basically swap between Holmes, Dugan and Moylan at fullback  throughout a game depending on whether they need defence, kick returns, ball playing, open field running or dropped balls.  They could rotate them around like a volleyball team.  I think with so many egos at the one club, the Sharkies will take a bit of time to find their flippers, so I’m tipping a narrow Cowboys win for this one.

Wests Tigers vs Sydney Roosters

Yeah, I don’t see a lot going right for the Tigers again this year.  Sorry everyone who goes for the Tigers (both of you).  It will be interesting to see how Cronk settles into his new team after flying the coop last year, and that’s about as much as anyone will get out of this game.

Souff Sydney Rabbitohs vs New Zealand Warriors

It’s probably a bit early in the season to call this one the Spoonbowl, but I think these two teams will end up battling it out for bottom of the ladder in 2018.  Early reports are that Farah won’t be playing for Souths (only two years too late), and that will probably be the deciding factor in a game that will be best remembered as “the game where Greg Inglis came back from injury and injured himself again.”

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Melbourne Storm

If you were ever wondering if the Storm were favoured by the NRL at all, you can put those thoughts aside as their captain continues his unofficial role as the referee boss, and they get to ease their new playmaker into the season with a game against one of the most inept attacking teams in recent history. 

Penrith Panthers vs Parramatta Eels

These two teams are matched up remarkably well on paper – both have some great young players coming through, both have lost and gained a few players since last year, both have got a couple of players who are hanging on just that one season too long, both are carrying players with injuries (it’s round fucking one, how did you injure yourself on the couch since last year?), both have players who I really hate.  Flip a coin for this one.  Mine said heads.

Gold Coast Titans vs Mighty Canberra Raiders

WOOOOOO CANBERRA please please please please win you useless fucks.  Canberra have kept essentially the same team that disappointed us all last year, so it will be interesting to see if another off-season together has had any impact.  Probably not though.  Luckily it’s only the Titans to worry about this week.

I don't know whose idea it was to use a cow print for a jersey design, but it probably wasn't George Rose.