NRL 2017 - Round 17: Hello? Is this thing on?

There’s actually not much going on in the NRL at the moment that I can make fun of.  I mean, there’s a whole shit-tin of player swapping going on; a few lifelines being thrown to a couple of blokes who are probably lucky to still have a job for another year six months; everyone and their mum is battling through an injury; people are naming literally every halfback in the competition to replace Johnathan Thurston for State of Origin (Mbye, really?), but other than that, it’s pretty quiet and a little bit business as unusual. 

Round 17

Parramatta 1.45 vs Canterbury 2.85

I honestly can’t remember what either of these teams did last week, but I’m pretty sure it was either lacklustre, uneventful or just plain lucky.  I haven’t rated the Bulldogs all year, and I’m not about to start now.  

Gold Coast 1.91 vs St George 1.91

I am still coming to terms with the Saints sitting high and mighty in the top eight after 16 rounds of football.  That said, their recent form is about as shit as anyone has ever been, and they are attacking with the grace of Michael J Fox eating noodles, so I wouldn’t get too carried away for the remainder of the season.  The Titans have only got about thirty players out injured this week, so things are looking up for them.

Brisbane 2.30 vs Melbourne 1.65

My head says Melbourne, my heart says Melbourne but my gut says Brisbane and I really don’t know what to do with that information.  I might try some kind of alcoholic sacrifice.  I will check back tomorrow.

Roosters 1.72 vs Cronulla 2.18

A full-strength Chickens side juuuust scraped in by the skin of Mitchell Pearce’s dog’s left nut against a team of 12 year old kids from Melbourne last week, so despite the result going their way, they are not really playing that well. 

The Sharks have officially entered their mid-season slump that we have been used to seeing every year since 1947.  The players look like they’re pretty much done with the year and would prefer to be drinking ethanol cocktails in Bali and doing rails of coke off lady boy dancers. 

I’m tipping the Sharks in a close one for absolutely no reason.

Manly 1.45 vs Warriors 2.85

Stats time:  The Warriors have won ONE GAME of their last TWELVE against Manly, and if you go back a bit further, have won just THREE from NINEFUCKINGTEEN.  Throw in a random stat about the place that they’re playing at, and the Warriors have lost ALL EIGHT games they have played in Perth in their history.  It may take a miracle in order to see a Warriors victory this weekend, and that’s without even looking at the fact that Manly are just better at playing footy.

Canberra 1.56 vs Nth Queensland 2.50

I’m not sure how Canberra come away as the “favourites” for this game, as they continue to unimpress me.  The Cowboys will be unveiling their latest asset, a Johnathan Thurston replacement in the form of ex-Panther’s half, Te Maire Martin, who left Penrith after rumours of him and several players’ wives surfaced.  I guess he is a good placement for JT after all.

Newcastle 1.80 vs Tigers 2.05

HOLY SHIT how good will this game be?  This will be the showcase game as to how to properly play for the glory of winning the wooden spoon.  Generations of children should be forced to watch replays of this game each year, and July 2 should become an unofficial holiday.     

Souths 2.30 vs Penrith 1.65

In a perfect world, this game would be six clones of Angus Crichton and seven clones of Sam Burgess vs six clones of Josh Mansour and seven clones of Matt Moylan. 

As this is an imperfect world, it’s just Souths vs Panthers, in a game where Robbie Farah has a chance of running for 300m because he doesn’t pass the ball.  

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