NRL 2017 Round 7: Big Four

The back pages are still full of stories about what is going on at the Tigers’ club; which teams the current players are talking to, what the old players reckon about that, who the Tigers are looking to recruit next year, what coach Ivan Cleary had for dinner and where Aaron Woods’ dealer lives. 

Can you imagine what the stories would be like if the team was actually any good?

To give some credit to the struggling Tigers though, they came through for their new coach last weekend and notched up a rare win to bump them momentarily off the bottom of the ladder.  Well done, Wests; you are officially better than Newcastle.  Your mums must be so proud.  Speaking of the Knights, they are trying to keep their own "Big Four" of Ken Sio, Jack Stockwell, Brendan Elliot and Mitchell Barnett together.  With any luck, these champions can boost them into 15th on the ladder in 2018.        

Round 7

Canterbury (1.83) vs Souths (1.98)

I’m not going to lie, this game doesn’t sound too great on paper, and will probably be even less great on the field.  Some of the choices that the Dogs have made in terms of selections are absolute fucking pants.  Word on the street is that they are looking to sign Tigers’ fullback James Tedesco – they should put that money towards a good hitman to take care of their Big One, Moses Mbye before they do anything.    

Newcastle (3.82) vs Roosters (1.27)

Last week was a performance straight out of the vintage 2009 Roosters team.  For some reason their Big Two, Shaun Kenny-Dowell and Aiden Guerra were determined to try to end their careers in one half of football.  It was at once frightening and entertaining, like a French clown.  Even worse is that they’ve picked them again this week, and dropped their Big One, Latrell Mitchell.  I can’t even.  Like, literally, I can’t even, you know what I mean?  Although coming up against a shocking defensive left edge for the Knights, the Chooks' Big Thirteen will probably grab a couple of tries.  What a shit game this is.  

Brisbane (1.20) vs Gold Coast (4.80)

In good news for the Gold Coast, 90% of their injured players are back this week, which only leaves 17 regular first-graders still in the casualty ward.  HOORAY.  I think my favourite part of the Titans is that their Big Two are cousins named Tyronne Roberts and Tyronne Roberts-Davis.  I guess they ran out of names in Queensland and had to start recycling.  Captain Planet would be proud, and also named Tyronne. 

Manly (2.40) vs Melbourne (1.60)

Manly certainly did screw the pooch last week, although it was good to see their Big Only Daly Cherry-Evans deeming it a bit beneath him and his mountainous paycheck to act as dummy-half for one tackle, then spending the rest of the game crying about it.  On the other side of the coin, one-third of Melbourne's Big Three Cameron Smith is still trying to finish a tackle on Paul Gallen from Sunday’s game.

Canberra (1.38) vs Warriors (3.20)

WOOP WOOP RAIDERS WOOOOO GO YOU GOOD THINGS WOO WOO ALTHOUGH IT’S ABOUT THE RIGHT TIME FOR THE WARRIORS TO PLAY WELL FOR FOUR WEEKS WOOP WOOOO TO GIVE THEIR FANS A BRIEF GLIMMER OF HOPE WOOOOO BEFORE FALLING BEFORE FINALS AGAIN WOOOO BIG RAIDERS WOO

St George (1.38) vs North Queensland (3.10)

I cannot fucking believe that the Dragons are sitting pretty on top of the ladder after six fucking rounds.  It blows my mind.  The Cowboys played like balls last week and are without Jonathan Thurston for the next few games as he recovers from a gunshot to his calf.  Forensics identified the bullet as being fired from the top of bay 16, and CCTV showed an Anthony Milford lookalike waddling through the carpark following the incident and police are keen to speak to witnesses.  We’ve seen what happens when the Cowboys try to play without one of their Big JT's before, and it’s not pretty.  It’s like watching a drunk guy at a festival try to put his thong backon.  If you’re a keen punter or have a spare $10, throw it on the Cowboys.  Funnier things have happened.

Penrith (1.68) vs Cronulla (2.19)

The Panthers welcome back their Big Three from their hangover, including Matt Moylan who can now get back to doing what he’s best at:  not being tackled, not tackling, and looking like a twelve-year old girl.  I’m not sure why the Sharks are starting as rank outsiders for this match, considering that the Panthers suck.

Parramatta (1.65) vs Tigers (2.25)

Nobody cares. 

What I Said vs What Actually Happened

Will Anthony Milford get KFC or McDonalds?  It’s amazing what happens when there’s a Happy Meal on the cards.  

The scoreboard attendant will be the busiest bloke in Australia on Saturday night (Cowboys vs Tigers).  Except for Ivan Cleary’s right hand.  In one week, the guy rescued the Tigers, fucked the Cowboys and tore the shit out of QLD State of Origin.      

Mitch Moses has a girls bike with a basket on the front that has flowers on it.  The jury is still out on this one.

I’m thinking that Souths might just limp over the line.  FUCK YES.  

"Should we find a model to advertise our onesie?"
"Fuck no, just Photoshop a fat bloke's head onto a much smaller body.  It will look slimming."