NRL 2017 Round 9: Well last week was bullshit

Is it just me, or does it feel like there’s football on every day at the moment?  God bless those ANZACs; I’m sure they had a five-day weekend of rugby league glory in mind when they signed up. 

The less said about the results, the better.  Brisbane were given their usual benefit of the doubt from the umpires to ensure that they make the finals despite, you know, not being, you know, good at footy.  Cronulla didn’t turn up against a Titans team that did, the Raiders fucking fuck fuck fucked fucking fuckhole fuckwit fuckshit fucked, and even the Cowboys limped home against the Knights. 

Off-field, the bullshit continues as clubs swap players around like Pokemon pogs.  The latest is Josh Reynolds from the Bulldogs, who has been pimped over to the Tigers for next year, after Canterbury signed Keiran Foran from the Warriors after he left Parramatta who he left Manly to play for.  I’m just not sure if the Bulldogs is really where a bloke who has struggled with mental illness and depression needs to be.  He would have been pushing people out of the way to get to the Harbour Bridge first after last week’s game. 

Josh Reynolds is a fucking horrible human being – he is a grub, a cheat, and the dirtiest player in the league.  How the Dogs could ever contemplate losing a player who epitomises everything about their club is beyond me. 

The NRL’s stance on mid-season trades and announcements is a massive bag of balls, honestly.  Why would supporters keep turning up to watch a team play who might all be at different clubs as early as the next game?  I understand that clubs want to win, and buying players is a great way to get a bit closer to that dream, but there’s a difference between the performance that you would get out of a two-year stint from a mercenary player and a bloke who would (and probably has) murdered people for the sake of his team.

Find me another player who would do this in front of the ref, 17 guys who are all way bigger than him and 20,000 idiots five beers in

Round 9

 Broncos (1.42) vs Panthers (2.90)

Normally this would be pretty cut and dry – the Broncos are winning (just) and the Panthers are losing (by heaps).  But if the last few weeks have taught us nothing, it’s bet your house on the shit team.  I’m not, but don’t let that stop you.  The battle of the fat fucks in Milford vs Merrin for the laziest prick in the league will have me wheezing for breath between handfuls of Cheetos. 

Rabbits (2.12) vs Manly (1.75)

I just have no idea.  Can these two fucking idiot teams put together two decent performances in two consecutive weeks?  Probably not.

Cowboys (1.54) vs Parramatta (2.55)

Because you have to tip someone, right?

Titans (1.22) vs Knights (4.45)

INTERESTING STAT OF THE DAY: The Titans are the third best attacking team in the NRL. How often do you see that from a team coming 15^th?  NOT VERY. 

Bulldogs (2.75) vs Raiders (1.48)

WOO RAIDERS DON’T LET LAST WEEK’S SPEEDBUMP SLOW YOU DOWN WOO ALTHOUGH YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN FOR SPEEDBUMPS NORMALLY WOOO OR YOU’LL DO SOME DAMAGE TO YOUR SUSPENSION OR UNDERCARRIAGE WOOO DRIVE SAFELY EVERYONE WOOO

Tigers (2.65) vs Sharks (1.50)

The Sharks will have to be pretty pissed off at losing to the Titans that they’ll take all of their drunken bogan aggression out on the Tigers.  This could be Ivan Cleary’s first massive loss as coach. 

Warriors (2.12) vs Roosters (1.75)

Nobody cares. 

Dragons (2.75) vs Storm (1.48)

In a beautiful moment in league history, both teams will be heading onto the field without playing anyone at five-eighth.  St George haven’t named anyone in the #6 jersey, and to keep things fair, Melbourne will put Cooper Cronk into that position.  That guy has been all kind of shithouse ever since he announced his retirement.  What a dick.

What I said last week vs what actually happened

FUCKING EVERYTHING

NRL 2017 Round 8: The Tigers are the fucking worst

Another tumultuous week for the formerly proud club of the Wests Tigers has come to an end, and we can finally put to bed the speculation about one of the game’s worst halfbacks – he will be staying at one of the game’s worst clubs until 2020.  Luke Brooks, you are a champion. 

It hasn't quite worked out like that for other members of the team though.  The current Tigers captain and residing member of Wests “Big 4”, Aaron Woods, has decided to jump ship to Canterbury, a place where all fat front-rowers go to die.  How ol’ Stoner Slothypants will fit in with (or push out) resident fucken psychos like James “Mad Cow” Graham and David “I prefer my victims raw” Klemmer is a whole other issue that will provide entertainment of its own.  I don't think much of Woods at the best of times, but this is on a whole other level of shitness.  What kind of club captain signs with another fucking team mid-season?  

To top off an eventful few days, Mitch Moses inked a deal with Parramatta and James Tedesco agreed to head Bondi-side to join the Roosters, leaving the Tigers’ so-called “Big 4” as “Luke Brooks”, making the world’s smallest man the jewel in the crown of the mighty Wests Tigers.    

 

Luke Brooks received a Participation Award at training last week

Fucking hell, Tigers.  Why are you so fucking shit?

Other movements in the NRL have seen Cronulla up-and-comer Jack Bird sign with Brisbane for the next four million dollars years or so, under the proviso that he’ll play five-eighth; a position that he played for two games in an ill-informed social experiment and was found to be “less than tits useless”.  Congrats to everyone involved in that decision.  If Bird does indeed wear the number 6 at Brisbane, he should combine nicely alongside Kodi Nikorima in the halves once Milford beefs up to prop over the next 10-12 months.

Round 8 or something

Canberra (1.23) vs Manly (4.00)

WOOOO CANBERRA BANG BANG GREEN MACHINE WOO MANLY ARE SHIT EVEN THOUGH THEY ALMOST WON LAST WEEK BY ACCIDENT WOOO ALL ABOARD THE LEIPANA BANDWAGON WOO MANLY MORE LIKE WOMANLY BUT NOT IN A SEXIST WAY AMIRITE?  WOO.

Woo indeed.

Souths (3.55) vs Brisbane (1.32)

Holy shit Brissy were lucky to get away with a win from last week’s game – they can thank the dickfingers of 90% of the Titans team, and the sheer beastness that is James Roberts.  Is it just me, or does he always look like he can smell dog shit?  Souths are really looking a bit ordinary at the moment, and I’d love to say that things are going to change, but things are not going to change. 

Parramatta (2.25) vs Penrith (1.67)

The Panthers have been fucking woeful lately, and I really don’t know why I’m tipping them.  Am I drunk?  Not yet.  But I will be.

Cowboys (1.32) vs Newcastle (3.55)

Oh man the Cows are shitful without Jonathan Thurston.  Like, really shitful.  Like a bag full of shit shitful.  I would love for these premiership “contenders” to lose to both the Tigers and the Knights to shut the rabble from Queensland up for a few minutes.  I think the Cows will get home, but I’m hoping that Newy give them a royal fucking along the way.

Cronulla (1.27) vs Gold Coast (4.00)

The Titans would have had their beautiful little can-do hearts broken by last week’s loss, but they proved that they have the determination to match it with anyone on their day. Unfortunately for them, Jarryd Hayne has been named in their side after his six-week injury lay-off, and the only way I can see them winning this game is if they can take their star player out in the first 10 minutes.

Wests Tigers (2.67) vs Canterbury (1.50)

Fuck it, who cares?  The best part of watching a Tigers game is to see how far they can get in front before they inevitably fall apart.  Why would the Tiges ruin a perfect week?

Roosters (1.67) vs St George (2.20)

Seriously, the Dragons are STILL on top of the ladder?  This is crazy.  For some reason they are also outsiders to win this match, despite the Roosters being a bit rubbish.  And by “a bit”, I mean “a lot.”  I have no idea why I was trying to be nice to them.  Dickheads.

Melbourne (1.30) vs Warriors (3.70)

I’m just going to change the match-up of this one to be “Warriors vs Themselves”.  This game interests me about as much as watching golf.  I mean, I’ll probably still watch it, but I definitely won’t enjoy myself. 

LEGEND OF LEAGUE:  Bobby Lulham

Since this has been a week/year of turmoil for the Tigers, I thought I would share a story (mainly true) about a legend of the club.

Rugby league has been around for a hundred years, and has attracted its fair share of controversies that wouldn’t look out of place on the next shithouse series of Underbelly. Except for one that wouldn’t look out of place in Home and Away; one man’s story that involves adultery, attempted murder, depression, attempted suicide, divorce, the end of a sportsman’s career and a forbidden love.  A story fit for the pages of Mills & Boon, played out like an Ed Sheerhan video, and snapped up quicker than a 50 Shades sequel. 

Bobby Lulham was born in Newcastle in 1926 and started playing rugby league as soon as he could. He moved to Sydney to play for Balmain in 1947, immediately impressing on the wing and becoming the top try-scorer in his debut season, notching up an impressive 28 meat pies.  Incidentally, this is still a Balmain club record for most tries in a season.

Walt fucking Disney couldn’t write  this better, as he went on to represent New South Wales in all four games, as well as kicking the pants out of Canterbury in a grand final victory.  Not bad for a first year, so why not just keep being better at sport and play for your country in your second season?  Bob even crossed the stripe in his first game as an Australian rep to prove how fucking easy it is to be an athlete. 

Everything was coming up Milhouse for Lulham as he was catapulted towards superstardom and untold shillings and girls wearing polka dot dresses.  Until the 1953 season.

It started alright for our hero, who was in good form and Balmain were winning more than they were losing.  One fateful day in July, the Tigers went down to their archrivals Canterbury, and Lulham was singled out for having “a shit game”.  He told his coach, “Tally ho and pip-pip, eh sport?” which was the equivalent of a current player saying, “Yeah nah.”  Fuck it, everyone has an off-day.

So Bob did the responsible thing and called his doctor to find out what was going on; how did his magical rugby league powers get taken away?  The doctor came to the conclusion that Lulham had a stomach ulcer.

And this is where the story gets interesting (and would be a good time for a cliff-hanger for next week’s episode).

Two days after the loss to Canterbury and with Lulham bedridden, the NSWRL doctor received an anonymous phone call from a woman, who claimed her husband had put poison in Lulham’s beer before the game against Canterbury.  Wait – BEFORE he played?  What a time to be alive.  The doctor reported this poisoning to the police and Lulham went to hospital as his condition continued to deteriorate.  Fuck it, I’d probably drink a poisoned beer too (and continue to drink it after knowing that it was poison) because beer is great.

In true CSI fashion, they did a semen analysis of Lulham (probably not) and found that he’d been slipped thallium, commonly found in rat poison, and unlikely to be a secret ingredient on MasterChef any time soon.  Lulham posted this information on Instagram (also unlikely) and the rugby league world went into a frenzy.  Was he poisoned, or did he try to poison himself? 

After a pretty short investigation, it was revealed by Detective Steve Bastoni (played by Gary Sweet) that Lulham’s mother-in-law, Victoria, had poisoned him.  A few years back, Veronica and her husband split up, and Lulham and his missus did the right and noble thing by letting her crash at their place. 

And this is where the story takes another interesting turn, and would be another poignant place to put a “next week on Tiger Town” promotion.  It’s also about at this point where you realise, “Hey, this isn’t even about rugby league anymore.”

As happens in pornography, Bob Lulham and his mother-in-law involved themselves in a sexual relationship.  I’ll let your imaginations run with that for a while. 

As doesn’t happen in pornography, the guilt Veronica was feeling about deceiving her daughter had got her very depressed and she felt she had to do something before she ruined her daughter’s marriage.  She probably could have had these feelings before she was doing reverse-cowgirl while wearing stilettos on the couch… for example.   

In any case, she grabbed a few brewskis and sat down with Bob to watch Gogglebox, intending to drink the poison herself, rather than put her family through some weird shit.  Unfortunately, the drinks became mixed up (probably while he had her bent over the coffee table in a position that didn’t look comfortable for either of them, even though they were both moaning enthusiastically… for example) and Bobby consumed the poisoned beverage.

A month later, Lulham came clean about his torrid affair, and Veronica came clean about poisoning him.  She did the honest thing and tried the thallium treatment once again and was admitted to hospital. 

As happens in pornography, Lulham sidled back up to his wife, but as happens in life, she filed for divorce.  Lulham never played first grade football again – some say that his heart had been taken, others say that it was because he was fucking poisoned. 

Lulham passed away in 1980.  But not from thallium poisoning though.

Damn right you'd tap this

Bobby Lulham career statistics
Balmain (1947-53) Played 85, 85 Tries, 85 Goals, 345 Points
New South Wales (1947-49) Pl 9, 8T, 24 Pts
Australia – Tests (1948-49) Pl 3, 1T, 3 Pts
Australia – Tour Matches (1948-49) Pl 15, 11T, 33 Pts
TOTAL (1947-53) Pl 112, 105 Tries, 45 Goals, 405 Pts 

NRL 2017 Round 7: Big Four

The back pages are still full of stories about what is going on at the Tigers’ club; which teams the current players are talking to, what the old players reckon about that, who the Tigers are looking to recruit next year, what coach Ivan Cleary had for dinner and where Aaron Woods’ dealer lives. 

Can you imagine what the stories would be like if the team was actually any good?

To give some credit to the struggling Tigers though, they came through for their new coach last weekend and notched up a rare win to bump them momentarily off the bottom of the ladder.  Well done, Wests; you are officially better than Newcastle.  Your mums must be so proud.  Speaking of the Knights, they are trying to keep their own "Big Four" of Ken Sio, Jack Stockwell, Brendan Elliot and Mitchell Barnett together.  With any luck, these champions can boost them into 15th on the ladder in 2018.        

Round 7

Canterbury (1.83) vs Souths (1.98)

I’m not going to lie, this game doesn’t sound too great on paper, and will probably be even less great on the field.  Some of the choices that the Dogs have made in terms of selections are absolute fucking pants.  Word on the street is that they are looking to sign Tigers’ fullback James Tedesco – they should put that money towards a good hitman to take care of their Big One, Moses Mbye before they do anything.    

Newcastle (3.82) vs Roosters (1.27)

Last week was a performance straight out of the vintage 2009 Roosters team.  For some reason their Big Two, Shaun Kenny-Dowell and Aiden Guerra were determined to try to end their careers in one half of football.  It was at once frightening and entertaining, like a French clown.  Even worse is that they’ve picked them again this week, and dropped their Big One, Latrell Mitchell.  I can’t even.  Like, literally, I can’t even, you know what I mean?  Although coming up against a shocking defensive left edge for the Knights, the Chooks' Big Thirteen will probably grab a couple of tries.  What a shit game this is.  

Brisbane (1.20) vs Gold Coast (4.80)

In good news for the Gold Coast, 90% of their injured players are back this week, which only leaves 17 regular first-graders still in the casualty ward.  HOORAY.  I think my favourite part of the Titans is that their Big Two are cousins named Tyronne Roberts and Tyronne Roberts-Davis.  I guess they ran out of names in Queensland and had to start recycling.  Captain Planet would be proud, and also named Tyronne. 

Manly (2.40) vs Melbourne (1.60)

Manly certainly did screw the pooch last week, although it was good to see their Big Only Daly Cherry-Evans deeming it a bit beneath him and his mountainous paycheck to act as dummy-half for one tackle, then spending the rest of the game crying about it.  On the other side of the coin, one-third of Melbourne's Big Three Cameron Smith is still trying to finish a tackle on Paul Gallen from Sunday’s game.

Canberra (1.38) vs Warriors (3.20)

WOOP WOOP RAIDERS WOOOOO GO YOU GOOD THINGS WOO WOO ALTHOUGH IT’S ABOUT THE RIGHT TIME FOR THE WARRIORS TO PLAY WELL FOR FOUR WEEKS WOOP WOOOO TO GIVE THEIR FANS A BRIEF GLIMMER OF HOPE WOOOOO BEFORE FALLING BEFORE FINALS AGAIN WOOOO BIG RAIDERS WOO

St George (1.38) vs North Queensland (3.10)

I cannot fucking believe that the Dragons are sitting pretty on top of the ladder after six fucking rounds.  It blows my mind.  The Cowboys played like balls last week and are without Jonathan Thurston for the next few games as he recovers from a gunshot to his calf.  Forensics identified the bullet as being fired from the top of bay 16, and CCTV showed an Anthony Milford lookalike waddling through the carpark following the incident and police are keen to speak to witnesses.  We’ve seen what happens when the Cowboys try to play without one of their Big JT's before, and it’s not pretty.  It’s like watching a drunk guy at a festival try to put his thong backon.  If you’re a keen punter or have a spare $10, throw it on the Cowboys.  Funnier things have happened.

Penrith (1.68) vs Cronulla (2.19)

The Panthers welcome back their Big Three from their hangover, including Matt Moylan who can now get back to doing what he’s best at:  not being tackled, not tackling, and looking like a twelve-year old girl.  I’m not sure why the Sharks are starting as rank outsiders for this match, considering that the Panthers suck.

Parramatta (1.65) vs Tigers (2.25)

Nobody cares. 

What I Said vs What Actually Happened

Will Anthony Milford get KFC or McDonalds?  It’s amazing what happens when there’s a Happy Meal on the cards.  

The scoreboard attendant will be the busiest bloke in Australia on Saturday night (Cowboys vs Tigers).  Except for Ivan Cleary’s right hand.  In one week, the guy rescued the Tigers, fucked the Cowboys and tore the shit out of QLD State of Origin.      

Mitch Moses has a girls bike with a basket on the front that has flowers on it.  The jury is still out on this one.

I’m thinking that Souths might just limp over the line.  FUCK YES.  

"Should we find a model to advertise our onesie?"
"Fuck no, just Photoshop a fat bloke's head onto a much smaller body.  It will look slimming."

NRL 2017 Round 6: McMilford with cheese

What a week.  They say that no man is bigger than the game, but I think this week has proved that is not the case.  All eyes are on one player who has a huge decision in front of him, and the eyes of the NRL are on him as he weighs up his options.

Will Anthony Milford get KFC or McDonalds?

I don’t know why Milford is pissing me off so much, but that fat little wombat is like the NRL’s own Kardashian – he turns up, does nothing, gets paid a ton, marries Kanye West, demands more money, gets more money, continues to do nothing and keeps collecting his paycheck.  Without a doubt, he is the weakest player in the Brisbane roster at the moment, afraid to take a tackle, unable to make a tackle, throws horrible passes, kicks like a drunken, retarded emu, and has the ball-handling skills of a lesbian.  The fact that he got beaten to the ball by Sam fucking Thaiday to score the Broncos' try last week speaks volumes.  Lucky for Milf that his halves partner, Ben Hunt, is in some 2015 form and carrying the playmaking role for the both of them.  Unlucky for Milf is that Hunt is leaving at the end of the year to join the Dragons.  Lucky for Milf is that Brisbane are throwing untold amounts of money, houses, boats, cocaine, and third-party-agreements at anyone who has ever been dubbed “pretty good”, so he will continue to get fatter, slower and more useless, meanwhile picking up money until his legs literally fall off due to diabetes. 

If the Broncos can’t find a decent halfback to take over Hunt next year, it will be a dark, crispy-skinned, slow-cooked mess of a year, coated in dollops of disappointment and served with a side of fuck you Milf.

Oh, and the answer to the question above:  both, because he’s a fat cunt.

Also, Cooper Cronk will probably retire this year.

ROUND 6

Broncos (1.80) vs Roosters (2.05)

My two favourite things in the world are to watch the Broncos lose, and also to watch the Roosters lose, so tonight’s game is just going to be great for me.  Both teams will be keen to make amends after dropping games they probably should have won (also ruined my tipping score, but they may not take that into account).  I’m going to say that the Roosters will win, but I really don’t know why.

Newcastle (2.60) vs Canterbury (1.52)

Fuck it, go Knights (but I’m tipping Canterbury).

Penrith (1.65) vs Souths (2.30)

The Pennies had a bit of a Barry during the week by going out and getting sozzled when the coach said “hey guys good game tonight pity we lost but thats ok we can try again next week see you at training and oh i almost forgot dont get sozzled k” so he’s given  the arse to half the team.  Good on him, I reckon.  As a result, I’m thinking that Souths might just limp over the line for this one.  They haven’t been too far away from winning lately to be honest, and I reckon an under-strength Penrith side is going to feel the wrath of whoever plays for the Bunnies these days.

Manly (1.52) vs St George (2.60)

I think we can all agree that the Saints have been a success story this year – even if they don’t win again for the rest of the season, they have exceeded all expectations already.  They are solid across the whole field, without having too many stand-out superstars except for Paul Vaughan (I love you Paul, please come home).  Manly have also been a classic Disney underdog story, mainly through that long-necked fuck in the halfline and the Trbojevic twins brothers twins oh fuck I don’t know, I’m just happy that I spelled their name right. 

Gold Coast (2.95) vs Canberra (1.42)

WOOO RAIDERS WOOOOO IF THEY DON’T WIN THEY SHOULD BE FORCED TO PLAY FOR ST GEORGE OR SENT TO QUEANBEYAN WOOO THE TITANS ALL INJURED THEMSELVES BECAUSE SPENDING A FEW YEARS IN TRACTION WITH A BROKEN SPINE IS MORE APPEALING THAN FACING THE FLOGGING THAT THEY’LL GET THIS WEEKEND WOOO

North Queensland (1.17) vs Wests Tigers (5.50)

Hehehehe.  At the price they’re paying, punters should throw their coin on the Tigers – the Cowboys could possibly go into this game a bit underdone as they come up against a team with a new coach, a disinterested half-line, a marshmallow forward pack, the world’s worst edge defence, no kicking game, no depth and I have it on good authority that they all pick their nose and eat it.  The scoreboard attendant will be the busiest bloke in Australia on Saturday night.  Also, Mitch Moses has a girls bike with a basket on the front that has flowers on it.  

Warriors (1.75) vs Parramatta (2.15)

I don’t know why the Warriors are favourites to win this game.  I don’t think they’re even their mum’s favourites.  Parra FTW, yo. 

Melbourne Cronks (1.45) vs Cronulla (2.85)

Cronk cronk cronky cronk cronkity cronkcronk.  Cooper cronk cronk coop coop cooper cronk cronky cronk-cronk.  Cronk cronk?  Cooperdicoopcoop cooper cronk.

What I said last week vs What happened last week:

This will be the Broncos easiest game by a long shot.  Oops.

Can they (Manly) back it up against a premiership heavyweight (Roosters)?  Probably not.  Probably can, actually.

This game will not do anything for anyone (Cronulla vs Newcastle)  Actually, I think I was on-point here.  Kind of like Cronulla, but they were ONE point.  Geddit? 

Put a sneaky tenner on Slater to get over the line. Or you could take financial  advice from someone else.  It’s your choice.

…if you’re going to come last, then come fucking last and don’t even bother trying to win (Wests Tigers)  I was right about this one.  Hooray!  

A love letter sent to Josh Dugan.  I swear I didn't write it