NRL 2017 Round 3: Drugs are bad mmmost of the time

It has been a relatively quiet week in the NRL with players, coaches, officials and CEOs too busy deleting their Sportsbet accounts to get into too much trouble. This is in response to the NRL Integrity Unit’s in-depth report on ex-Tigers player Tim Simona’s gambling history. Without a lot of prodding, Simona opened up to the NRL about his drug use. Then he mentioned stealing from charity, threw in some stuff about an abortion and I’m assuming there are prostitutes and some kind of child slavery ring somewhere in the mix as well.

Paul Gallen managed to find some time in his hectic squinting schedule to comment on revelations that there are drugs in sport. This comes after his team-mate Ben Barba was released by the club before the season began for drug use, and his coach was suspended two years ago for supplying drugs for the team to use, and Wests player Kyle Lovett was also dropped by his club last year for drug use and Parramatta’s Corey Norman was also caught using drugs last year with James Segeyaro, and Jarrod Mullen was suspended for four years in the off-season for drug use.

Gallen wants zero drug tolerance in the NRL. Like, illegal. You know, kind of like how it is everywhere else in life. This only refers to cocaine though, not peptides. Peptides you should have some leniency with.

"If they want to really deter it, make it illegal (under NRL rules)," Sharks captain Gallen told Sky Sports Radio on Tuesday, as he jabbed a syringe into his steak.

ROUND 3

Storm (1.58) vs Broncos (2.45)

Billy Slater is making his long-awaited annual return to the NRL for his regular 20 minutes of game time for the Storm before succumbing to being a whiny little bitch a recurring shoulder injury. I have done some investigationing at Billy’s house this week, and he was able to hang an entire load of washing on the line in his backyard with only a minor twinge of pain. I’m talking towels, t-shirts and jeans, not just socks and undies. I’m sure this is all the preparation he needs to handle a 100kg athlete running at him. I’m tipping the Storm by a dozen and Billy to try again next year.

Dogs (2.20) vs Warriors (1.70)

This will be a classic match-up for the ages. You will be telling your grandchildren about the time you watched the Bulldogs take on the Warriors in Round 3 of 2017. You can regale them with stories about Canterbury kicking out on the full three times from the kick-off and saying “I wasn’t ready, I’ll take that again”, and how the Warriors lined up for the first half not realising that they didn’t have a right wing, but had two left wings. Somehow, a winner will prevail in this match, but they probably don’t deserve to.

Titans (2.45) vs Eels (1.58)

Without Jarryd Hayne weighing them down, the Titans can concentrate on playing some good footy again. Alas, the Eels will probably play better footy, despite being without their key playmaker and resident coke dealer, so will resort to their tried-and-true strategy of “give it to the giant black bloke on the wing” and hope for the best.

Knights (2.40) vs Souths (1.60)

The Knights broke a year-long drought last week with a scrappy but spirited win over the Titans, but face a slightly-stronger-but-not-altogether-better team in the Rabbitohs in Round 3. My tip is for the Bunnies to come away with the two points, but I don’t think football will be the winner in any way, shape or form.

Panthers (1.92) vs Roosters (1.92)

OOOH IT’S MATCH OF THE ROUND as the Roosters will either silence their critics or provide more fodder for me them in their first major test of the year, while the Panthers will be looking to show a bit of consistency, rather than their usual showing of being consistently shit.

Cowboys (1.27) vs Manly (3.90)

The Cowboys have come out of last week’s golden-point win over the Broncos with a few changes to the team: Taumololo will be resting his shoulder for the next few weeks, Matt Scott was cleared of a dangerous tackle but found guilty of tearing his ACL, Antonio Winterstein has broken some other fucken thing and Lachlan Coote is out with an injured whatsit. As a result, they will only win by about 30. When a team with a real forward pack plays Manly, we could see a century before close of play, just quietly.

Raiders (1.40) vs Tigers (3.05)

CROKES IS BACK WOOOOO COAL TRAIN HYPE TRAIN WOOOO VIKING CLAP WOOO THIS IS OUR WEEK WOOOO GO RAIDERS DON’T LET ME DOWN LIKE YOU DID LAST WEEK WOOOO THAT WAS PRETTY BAD WOOO BUT THE TIGERS GOT FLOGGED SO PUT MORE PRESSURE ON BROOKS BECAUSE HE IS SHIT AND WILL SELF-COMBUST WOOOOO RAIDERS GO RAIDERS PLEASE WOOOO

Cronulla (1.37) vs St George (3.20)

I guess all we can really hope for in this game is that both teams play in the spirit of the game and have some fun. There sure is going to be a game of rugby league played between these two.

LEGEND FLASHBACK

Greg Smith is part of rugby league folklore – long before Jarryd Hayne had dreams about playing NFL, Greg had dreams about playing rugby league. And possibly NFL as well. But no one is really sure.

Greg Smith’s story reads like a bad episode of an even worse sitcom with a great moral message of “always tell the truth” and “be true to yourself” and “don’t play for Newcastle.” Greg, or Smithy as he liked to be called, claimed to have played wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles before turning up to Knights training one day, which somehow took him to the top of the playing roster and he found himself playing first-grade, making his debut against the Bulldogs, who quickly realised that if they attacked down Smithy’s wing, they could pretty much score at will.

Following the game, Smithy made a sneaky exit before it was his shout at the pub and was never seen again. Calls to the Philadelphia Eagles were made (probably along the lines of “thanks for sending this fucking spastic to play for us”), who revealed that Smithy not only did not play for the Eagles, but had never played NFL for anyone at any level.

Smithy surfaced a few years later, promoting himself as a sprinting coach who had two of his Senior Elite athletes compete at the London Olympics. Unfortunately the only Greg Smith involved in the London Olympics was an Australian paralympian – coincidentally a wheelchair rugby player – who also served as the flag-bearer for the opening ceremony.

The next time anyone heard of Smithy was when he found himself as a running coach on the Angelina Jolie film “Unbroken”. I didn’t even know that movies needed running coaches.  Back in my day, there was a bloke with a camera and a guy with the big furry microphone and that was fine for us.

So Greg “Smithy” Smith, the next time I touch myself over an Angelina Jolie movie (won’t be long), I will be thinking of you.   

 

For those playing along at home, here is Smithy in action in his debut, testimonial and farewell match. The fun starts around 1:25 into the video.

NEXT WEEK:  THE PERFECT TEAM