NRL 2017 Round 5: The club has full confidence in the coach

Not much happened off-field during the week to be perfectly honest.  No arrests, no investigations, no-one assisting police with their inquiries.  There wasn’t even an allegation against a player or official. 

Poor form.

The only drama going on right now is who the next coach to be fired by their club will be – early money was on Paul “Mary” McGregor, who I thought would be fired before round 1.  Strangely, the Dragons have already had their most successful season in about twelve years, and notched up their third win last weekend. 

Trent Barrett’s reign of terror at Manly looked a bit sketchy, but the Sea Eagles have boldly decided to “give winning a game or two a go” and have decided that it’s “better than losing.”  A 36-0 win over the shithouse Bulldogs has secured Trent’s job for another season.

Which leaves Stephen Kearney at the Warriors and Des Hasler at the Bulldogs.  This week, Des has received the full support from the board at Canterbury, with the promise that he won’t be fired mid-season, which we know is code for "start cleaning your desk out – that collection of hilarious bobblehead toys won’t pack themselves away."

Kearney has flown under the radar in terms of coach firing until now, as most people kind of forgot that the Warriors still existed.  He will need a few wins in the next couple of weeks to prolong his expected arrival at the Centrelink office.  Not to coach the Centrelink football team, to apply for the dole.  You know, because he won’t have a job. 

Anyway.

Round 5

Bulldogs ($3.25) vs Broncos ($1.36)

Bulldogs’ playmaker Moses Mbye will deliver his best performance of the year for this week as he sits on the sideline after being suspended.  Without their star player, the Bulldogs might even get on the scoreboard this week.  Well done.  This will be the Broncos easiest game by a long shot.

Roosters ($1.42) vs Manly ($2.95)

Every win by the Roosters brings them closer to being beaten by a shithouse team.  Are Manly shithouse enough to deliver the Chooks’ first loss?  They surprised everyone (me) last week with a solid effort in attack and defence – can they back it up against a premiership heavyweight?  Probably not.

Cowboys ($1.32) vs Rabbitohs ($3.50)

Remember when teams were petrified about playing against the Burgess brothers?  Good times.  The only way that the Bunnies will win this is if the Burgii don’t fucking drop everything and Reynolds has a good kicking game, two things that have not happened since 2014.  Throw a motherfucking cyclone into the mix and we’ll see less ball security than Caitlyn Jenner.

Cronulla ($1.15) vs Knights ($5.75)

Last week, the Knights were winning 100-0 but then the refs overheard Trent Hodkinson making fun of them so they stripped all of Newcastle’s points and gave Panthers forty.  TRUE STORY.  This game will not do anything for anyone.

Raiders ($1.40) vs Parramatta ($3.05)

Hopefully Parra continue their efforts from last week where they had a competition to throw as many shit passes in the worst situations as they could.  Turned out to be a 17-way tie.  If they play like that against the Raiders, they could be on the receiving end of a triple-digit thrashing.

Storms ($1.60) vs Penrith ($2.40)

The Storm have an unbelievable talent of playing the worst kind of football well enough to escape with a half-assed win against the bottom-placed team.  They will probably come out and play like fucking magicians this week.  Put a sneaky tenner on Slater to get over the line.

Warriors ($1.50) vs Titans ($2.65)

Laurie Daley has called for the Warriors playmaker (and only good player) Shaun Johnson to get himself a reality check.  No one says “reality check” any more, Loz.  Earth to Laurie, like totally cowabunga that’s so raven, schwing, mike drop. Hopefully this little spray from a league legend will inspire the Warriors to actually turn up.  Actually, I don’t give a shit.

Tigers ($2.35) vs St George ($1.62)

Speaking of not giving a shit, welcome to this game.  I’m tipping St George to get up, but only because I have a weird obsession with the worst team in the comp being the worst team in the comp by a huge margin.  I mean, if you’re going to come last, then come fucking last and don’t even bother trying.  By the book though, the Dragons beat the Panthers by 32, and the Panthers beat the Tigers by 34, so in theory, the Dragons should knock off the Tigers by 66 points. 

WILL THE WILD WEATHER WE'VE HAD LATELY COMPETE WITH THIS COMPLETE BULLSHIT?  (bonus video of Brett Mullins itching his eye at 0:27)

A PERSONAL STORY ABOUT MY BRUSH WITH A LEAGUE LEGEND

A few years back I was in Sydney to watch a cricket match and drink beer with my mates.  The day after the game, I went into to an IGA to grab a carton of chocolate milk and I saw Jarryd Hayne in the store.  I spoke to him and told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a dickhead and bother him and ask him for photos or anything (also because the phone I had at the time was really shit).  He said, “Oh, you don't want to bother me like you’re doing now?”  I was taken aback a bit, and just said, “Huh,” and he kept cutting me off and going “Huh?  Huh?  Huh?” while he opened and closed his hand in front of my face.  So I just kind of walked away to go to the milk fridge, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff at the checkout, I saw Hayne trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Bars in his hands without paying.  The girl at the counter was pretty nice and professional about it and said, “Sir, you need to pay for those first,” but Hayne just kept pretending to yawn and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.  When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me.  That’s not even a word.  After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag for him, she kept trying to tell him the price, but he kept interrupting her by making a ringing phone noise.  

NRL 2017 - Round 4: Another one bites the dust

The week began with a spotlight being shone onto the idea that the NRL should be looking after its players, after several teams were found to have left several concussed idiots on the field when they should have been sitting on the sidelines having a spew and wondering if they were in a tunnel or not.  

Concussion is a pretty serious issue in rugby league, even more so since the release of the Will Smith film that deals with brain injuries, disability and long-term effects, “After Earth.”  Terrible film, his son is just really shit. 

Obviously the NRL are most interested in the well-being of their most important commodities, their players (some being deemed more important than others), and vowed to do something about it something something something...

...and then OH MY GOD FORGET ABOUT THAT SHIT, THE TIGERS FIRED JASON TAYLOR.

It was probably a bit sooner than anyone would have anticipated, but the first coach sacking of 2017 has occurred; so tick that one off your Bingo card.  After two weeks of not performing, the Wests Tigers merger has decided that enough is enough, and Jason “the other JT” Taylor has been given the arse and told to clean out his desk, take the Luke Perry poster out of his locker and fuck off out of there. 

Normally I would be on the side of the coach and say that it’s not their fault that their players are out there dropping balls, missing tackles, fucking up passes, kicking like shit, taking bad options and losing games, but I don’t really like Taylor and so I’ll side with the team on this instance.  The crux of the situation is that the “Big Four” players in the Tigers (of which three are fucking tits useless) have said that they will not sign on past their current contracts if Taylor is still the coach, so the management of the club decided that they’d put more faith in Luke Brooks and Mitchell Moses – two blokes who are afraid of (a) tackling and (b) being tackled, than put up with JT for another year.  This is probably cold comfort to Robbie Farah, who was dumped and sent to play for another club by Taylor last year – I can see Robbie downing tools like a little bitch and heading back to the Tigers pretty soon actually.  But that’s because I don’t like Robbie Farah much either.

Cronulla telling it like it is

Round 4:

 Souths (3.20) vs Roosters (1.37)

I just hope that Souths have a fun game and learn some lessons about teamwork and believing in yourself. 

Penrith (1.18) vs Knights (5.10)

The Knights have really dug deep and given 100% lately.  Unfortunately they have still lost, which just goes to show that other teams only need to give about 70% and they will still manage to beat them.

Broncos (1.65) vs Raiders (2.30)

RAAAAAAAAAAAAIDERS WOO PEW PEW PEW!  All they need to do is run the ball at Milford all night and rack up another easy win, then go and celebrate with a lovely glass of ginger ale. 

Manly (2.00) vs Bulldogs (1.84)

I’m tipping the Dogs for a combination of reasons, but mainly because fuck Manly.

Eels (1.95) vs Sharks (1.85)

The salary cap cheats vs the drug cheats.  I guess this will determine once and for all if drugs are better than money.   

Titans (2.30) vs Cowboys (1.65)

Well this will be an exciting game, as the 7^th-choice wingers and centres do battle.  I wonder if the World Health Organisation is aware of the outbreak of osteoarthritis in Queensland this year?  

Tigers (2.65) vs Storm (1.50)

Well, the Tigers haven’t lost a game since they sacked their coach, so that’s a bonus for them. 

St George (1.87) vs Warriors (1.97)

No one cares.

HOW TO PICK THE PERFECT TEAM 

Fullback

Should be tagged by a commentator as “a future superstar of the game” but is decidedly unpopular with supporters and his teammates and everyone wants to punch them in the face at least once.

Wing

Reserved for the two worst players on the team.  Preferably of Fijian descent.  In terms of height, players can either be tall with dick fingers like Tupou, or short, with dick fingers like Maranta.  It is considered a bonus if you have a girlfriend who is selling a detox product on Instagram.

Centre

Requires a knee injury and an inability to pass.  Left centre should have ego and be generally disliked.  The right centre should be captain and a handsome goalkicking legend. 

Five-eighth

Has a terrible haircut and has massive tickets on themselves.  Not big enough to be a forward, and not good enough to play halfback.  Cannot rely on their passing game to move the ball, so they will just run it to where they wanted to pass.  

Halfback

Preferably should be from Queensland.  This position is preferred for drug addicts and those who enjoy the taste of their own urine.  Enjoys the company of small dogs.

Prop

Should look like an Italian God, a Samoan Cannonball, a Large Mutant or a Toe-Tappin' Kiwi Sex Machine.

Second row

Has no real influence on the sport now that shoulder charges and punching people is now banned.  Will be targeted by bigger blokes because they’re bigger, and faster blokes because they’re faster. 

Lock

Need thighs that have a circumference of greater than 100cm.  Should consider any time that they haven’t tried passing the ball during a three-man tackle in which they are being spun around, turned upside-down and have both arms  pinned as a wasted opportunity.

Hooker

Should be English.  Doesn’t mind feeling other players’ eyeballs.  Most time will be spent appealing to the referee for a penalty.  Is the only player on the field who can throw shit passes 80% of the time and blame everyone else.   

When the NRL is cracking down on drug use, you probably shouldn't put this shit on your Instagram.
You also shouldn't involve the 130kg killing machine on your team either.

NEXT WEEK:  A PERSONAL STORY ABOUT MY BRUSH WITH A LEAGUE LEGEND

NRL 2017 Round 3: Drugs are bad mmmost of the time

It has been a relatively quiet week in the NRL with players, coaches, officials and CEOs too busy deleting their Sportsbet accounts to get into too much trouble. This is in response to the NRL Integrity Unit’s in-depth report on ex-Tigers player Tim Simona’s gambling history. Without a lot of prodding, Simona opened up to the NRL about his drug use. Then he mentioned stealing from charity, threw in some stuff about an abortion and I’m assuming there are prostitutes and some kind of child slavery ring somewhere in the mix as well.

Paul Gallen managed to find some time in his hectic squinting schedule to comment on revelations that there are drugs in sport. This comes after his team-mate Ben Barba was released by the club before the season began for drug use, and his coach was suspended two years ago for supplying drugs for the team to use, and Wests player Kyle Lovett was also dropped by his club last year for drug use and Parramatta’s Corey Norman was also caught using drugs last year with James Segeyaro, and Jarrod Mullen was suspended for four years in the off-season for drug use.

Gallen wants zero drug tolerance in the NRL. Like, illegal. You know, kind of like how it is everywhere else in life. This only refers to cocaine though, not peptides. Peptides you should have some leniency with.

"If they want to really deter it, make it illegal (under NRL rules)," Sharks captain Gallen told Sky Sports Radio on Tuesday, as he jabbed a syringe into his steak.

ROUND 3

Storm (1.58) vs Broncos (2.45)

Billy Slater is making his long-awaited annual return to the NRL for his regular 20 minutes of game time for the Storm before succumbing to being a whiny little bitch a recurring shoulder injury. I have done some investigationing at Billy’s house this week, and he was able to hang an entire load of washing on the line in his backyard with only a minor twinge of pain. I’m talking towels, t-shirts and jeans, not just socks and undies. I’m sure this is all the preparation he needs to handle a 100kg athlete running at him. I’m tipping the Storm by a dozen and Billy to try again next year.

Dogs (2.20) vs Warriors (1.70)

This will be a classic match-up for the ages. You will be telling your grandchildren about the time you watched the Bulldogs take on the Warriors in Round 3 of 2017. You can regale them with stories about Canterbury kicking out on the full three times from the kick-off and saying “I wasn’t ready, I’ll take that again”, and how the Warriors lined up for the first half not realising that they didn’t have a right wing, but had two left wings. Somehow, a winner will prevail in this match, but they probably don’t deserve to.

Titans (2.45) vs Eels (1.58)

Without Jarryd Hayne weighing them down, the Titans can concentrate on playing some good footy again. Alas, the Eels will probably play better footy, despite being without their key playmaker and resident coke dealer, so will resort to their tried-and-true strategy of “give it to the giant black bloke on the wing” and hope for the best.

Knights (2.40) vs Souths (1.60)

The Knights broke a year-long drought last week with a scrappy but spirited win over the Titans, but face a slightly-stronger-but-not-altogether-better team in the Rabbitohs in Round 3. My tip is for the Bunnies to come away with the two points, but I don’t think football will be the winner in any way, shape or form.

Panthers (1.92) vs Roosters (1.92)

OOOH IT’S MATCH OF THE ROUND as the Roosters will either silence their critics or provide more fodder for me them in their first major test of the year, while the Panthers will be looking to show a bit of consistency, rather than their usual showing of being consistently shit.

Cowboys (1.27) vs Manly (3.90)

The Cowboys have come out of last week’s golden-point win over the Broncos with a few changes to the team: Taumololo will be resting his shoulder for the next few weeks, Matt Scott was cleared of a dangerous tackle but found guilty of tearing his ACL, Antonio Winterstein has broken some other fucken thing and Lachlan Coote is out with an injured whatsit. As a result, they will only win by about 30. When a team with a real forward pack plays Manly, we could see a century before close of play, just quietly.

Raiders (1.40) vs Tigers (3.05)

CROKES IS BACK WOOOOO COAL TRAIN HYPE TRAIN WOOOO VIKING CLAP WOOO THIS IS OUR WEEK WOOOO GO RAIDERS DON’T LET ME DOWN LIKE YOU DID LAST WEEK WOOOO THAT WAS PRETTY BAD WOOO BUT THE TIGERS GOT FLOGGED SO PUT MORE PRESSURE ON BROOKS BECAUSE HE IS SHIT AND WILL SELF-COMBUST WOOOOO RAIDERS GO RAIDERS PLEASE WOOOO

Cronulla (1.37) vs St George (3.20)

I guess all we can really hope for in this game is that both teams play in the spirit of the game and have some fun. There sure is going to be a game of rugby league played between these two.

LEGEND FLASHBACK

Greg Smith is part of rugby league folklore – long before Jarryd Hayne had dreams about playing NFL, Greg had dreams about playing rugby league. And possibly NFL as well. But no one is really sure.

Greg Smith’s story reads like a bad episode of an even worse sitcom with a great moral message of “always tell the truth” and “be true to yourself” and “don’t play for Newcastle.” Greg, or Smithy as he liked to be called, claimed to have played wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles before turning up to Knights training one day, which somehow took him to the top of the playing roster and he found himself playing first-grade, making his debut against the Bulldogs, who quickly realised that if they attacked down Smithy’s wing, they could pretty much score at will.

Following the game, Smithy made a sneaky exit before it was his shout at the pub and was never seen again. Calls to the Philadelphia Eagles were made (probably along the lines of “thanks for sending this fucking spastic to play for us”), who revealed that Smithy not only did not play for the Eagles, but had never played NFL for anyone at any level.

Smithy surfaced a few years later, promoting himself as a sprinting coach who had two of his Senior Elite athletes compete at the London Olympics. Unfortunately the only Greg Smith involved in the London Olympics was an Australian paralympian – coincidentally a wheelchair rugby player – who also served as the flag-bearer for the opening ceremony.

The next time anyone heard of Smithy was when he found himself as a running coach on the Angelina Jolie film “Unbroken”. I didn’t even know that movies needed running coaches.  Back in my day, there was a bloke with a camera and a guy with the big furry microphone and that was fine for us.

So Greg “Smithy” Smith, the next time I touch myself over an Angelina Jolie movie (won’t be long), I will be thinking of you.   

 

For those playing along at home, here is Smithy in action in his debut, testimonial and farewell match. The fun starts around 1:25 into the video.

NEXT WEEK:  THE PERFECT TEAM

NRL 2017 - Round 2: Dragons on Top

You know it’s footy season when the nightly news opens their bulletin with “A dark day for the NRL, as a new scandal unravels…”  We’re off to a flyer this year, but at least we have some new news for the NRL this time:  Panthers player Bryce Cartwright has been pinged as a dickwit who offered an ex-girlfriend $50,000 to get an abortion; and former Rooster/Bronco Martin Kennedy being arrested for his involvement in an international wildlife smuggling ring.  

I’m not saying that either of these are good news stories, but it’s a nice change to get some different charges laid against our sporting heroes instead of the usual “Fuckwit McGee had thirty schooners too many and punched on with his girlfriend (or someone else’s).”  Penrith Godfather and Rugby League doyen fuckwit Phil Gould addressed the Cartwright controversy in a calm, mature and all-encompassing way by giving the statement “no comment.”  Long-gone are the days of great press-releases.  Remember last year’s Parramatta media respondent?  That guy had RSI from all of the work that he did. 

Anyway, let’s put our lizard-smuggling tendencies aside and concentrate on what exactly is going to happen in 2017.  Here are my predictions, which are the right predictions and probably the only predictions you’ll ever need: 

Brisbane Broncos:  “Hello, Kicking Game?  It’s me, Brisbane.  How are you?  I was just wondering if you’d be interested in coming to the game on Friday night?  No?  You’re busy shampooing Adam Blair’s hair?  Fair enough then.”  Halfback Ben Hunt appears to have brought his 2015 Golden-Point form with him for another year, which is a bad sign for the Broncs.  Hunt has signed to head to the Dragons at the end of this season, but if he keeps playing like he did last week, they’ll probably be all like, “Oh yeah, we were just kidding about that.  We already have a halfback anyway.  Have you met Josh McCrone?”

Canberra Raiders:  The mighty fucking Canberra Raiders fell ball-agonizingly short of a remarkable win at the second-stupidest-named stadium in Australia in Round 1, confirming that they are living up to their pre-season hype of being The Greatest Team Ever In The History Of The World Except For Last Week Where They Lost To The Cowboys.  With a massive forward pack, a couple of escaped cons in the backline and a motherfucking Viking on the sideline, the Raiders will only get better this year. 

Canterbury Bulldogs:  Correct me if I’m wrong (don’t, though), but is this the same Canterbury Bulldogs side that has been going steadily downhill for years?  Like, they haven’t actually got any new or better players since about 1987?  Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if they don’t win any games at all this year.  In fact, that would probably be the best thing for everyone.  Except the Dogs, obviously.

Cronulla Sharks:  Paul Gallen really should have retired last year when the Sharkies won the premiership.  Instead, he’ll no doubt hang around for another 50 years being rubbish until they can somehow cheat enough to win again.  Something tells me that they got rid of the wrong drug-cheats from the team.

Gold Coast Titans:   They look pretty underwhelming on-field this season, but will dominate the back-pages of the paper for all the wrong reasons.  The best thing that the Gold Coast did for their crowd attendance last year was buying Jarryd Hayne after his shithouse NFL/Olympic debacle.  The worst thing they did for their football was buying Jarryd Hayne.  What a knob.  The guy is putting himself well and truly above the team, then hitting out on Twitter.  Who does this guy think he is, Donald Trump?  Hayne will leave the NRL by May (bonjour French rugby), which will still give the Titans just enough time to get into the top eight.

Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles:  Eh.  I’d love to say that they’ll really miss Brett Stewart and Steve Matai this year, but they have been passengers in the club for a few years now.  If only they could get rid of the other 17 numpties in the squad then they could challenge for a finals spot.  Another bleak season is on the cards, and they’ll probably lose Tom Trbojevic to injury, poaching or dyslexia at some point during the year.

Melbourne Storm:  The Storm have an uncanny knack of doing the very fucking bare minimum to win a game, and 2017 will be no different.  They’ll just keep doing what they do, but just a little bit worse than last year.

Newcastle Knights:  The Knights should relocate to Christchurch, with all the rebuilding that’s going at the club lately.  I don’t foresee a whole lot of good times for the Novacastrian faithful, but I am predicting a better year for them than last year, which is probably the equivalent of saying that the next time Grant Hackett gets drunk and grabs your nipples, he won’t be as drunk as last time.

New Zealand Warriors:  The Warriors will have another underperforming season, whereby they ultimately have the backbone of the New Zealand national side, but play with the fluency and coordination of Grant Hackett on a plane trip.  Keiran Foran is tipped to be coming back around Round 8, which is just about the right time for him to lead the Warriors into eleventh place on the ladder. 

North Queensland Cowboys:  Remember when the Cowboys relied 100% on Johnathan Thurston to win them games?  Well now Cowboys fans can relax, as Jason Taumalomo is now there to shoulder half the responsibility.  The North Queensland Thurstonolomos are tipped to contend the Grand Final, and unless either one of those guys literally explodes in a fiery mess or something, will probably go really fucking close. 

Parramatta Eels:   The Eels are kind of at the top-half of the “just making up the numbers this year” teams, and I think will be surprised when they find themselves in the finals.  If they can keep third-party payments above board, their wingers out of Fiji (and out of jail), their halfbacks out of brothels, and everyone off the drugs, it should be a pretty good year for Parra. 

Penrith Panthers:  Let’s just hope that Round 1 was a complete and utter fuck-up and Penrith turned up to the game after a funeral or something.  For a side that is meant to be knocking on the premiership door, they fell pretty fucking short.  I’m not saying that they were disappointing, but if they sent me a text message, I would totally wait until the next day to respond.  Also, why the fuck did they buy James Tamou for $600,000 per season?  That is a shit decision right there, like when I got drunk and bought a guitar on eBay, only this move is way more expensive and you can’t just throw Tamou into the spare room and forget about him.  Or can you?  No, not ethically. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs:  Souths really have fallen in a heap since winning the comp only a few years ago, and many thought that 2017 was going to be a redemption season… until the year kicked off and everything went even more belly-up than it had before.  Inglis is gone, probably for the entire year.  Honestly, the best thing that that guy can do from here is retire and free up about $1million per year for Souths to spend on a player who isn’t made of pillows.  I don’t see Souths doing much of anything this year, to be perfectly Francine. 

St George Illawarra Dragons:  … I can’t even.  I had the Dragons tipped to come dead-fucking-last before the year began, and then they go and win against a side that most had picked to be premiership material.  Not just won, but fucking nutted them like a bag of dicks.  Yeah, I don’t really know what I’m saying either.  Maybe the Dragons aren’t as shit as I thought.  Nah.

Sydney Roosters:  I think they will have a better 2017 than they did 2016, which really shouldn’t be too hard unless each player and their mums have their legs fall off.  I like to think that it happens to each player in a unique and whacky way, like Mitchell Pearce is mucking around in a sawmill when the inevitable happens, Boyd Cordner gets his legs cut off when he gets stuck in the automatic doors at Woolies, and Latrell Mitchell is carving ham and drops the knife onto his legs. 

Yeah anyway, the Roosters will do well this year.

Wests Tigers:   In a couple of years, the Tigers will take over the mantle of “most entertaining team in the NRL” as they throw the ball around to their quick men, have the most talented playmakers, some agile back-rowers, a couple of monster props and probably the best looking coach.  The one thing they’ll need to focus on this year is when to turn on their razzle, and when to de-dazzle their pinazzle, if you knazzle what I mazzle. 

So that's the year in preview.  For those with shorter attention spans, here's what we can look forward to over the next four days:

ROUND 2:

Roosters (1.45) vs Canterbury (2.85)

And so the age-old question will be answered: if a team of professional footballers play a team of professional witches hats, who will win?  The Dogs have tried to fill their defensive lapses with Will Hopoate bringing Jesus into the game, but this probably won’t help - as was written in the Bible:  And Matthew said, “Lord, come tackle me” and Jesus did confront his friend, but could not stop him with his flapping arms.  Matthew said, “Lord, try again, but try using your whole body.”  And Jesus did, but put his head too low and was struck in the temple by Matthew’s knee.  “Lord, are you ok?” Matthew inquired.  “Fuck off, Matthew, you fucking cheated,” Jesus did respond.  And so they did put Jesus to defend on the wing, and did not attack down his side too often so he didn’t feel too bad. 

Warriors (2.15) vs Storm (1.73)

The Warriors traditionally “turn up” against the Storm, who traditionally “turn up” against everyone else.  So I guess this one will come down to who “turns up” the most.  I’m reckoning that the Storm will “turn up” to the tune of about 16 points.  On a side note, Jesse Bromwich dislocated his thumb OUT OF HIS SKIN last week.  Fucking gross.  If that happened to me, I’d just cut my arm off. 

Brisbane (1.85) vs North Queensland (2.00)

Brisbane’s game plan of “if we’re inside our opposition’s 40 metre zone, put up a bomb and hope for the best.  If we’re outside the 40, just boot it down the centre of the field as best you can… and hope for the best” is starting to wear pretty thin.  For their sake I hope they improve in that aspect of their game.  For my sake of tipping, I hope they don’t.  The last million games between these two have been golden-point thrillers; I don’t think this one will get to that. 

Newcastle (2.50) vs Titans (1.55)

Oh fuck, who cares?

Manly (1.65) vs Souths (2.30)

If there’s a side with a worse forward pack than Souths right now, it’s Manly.  I think that the Bunnies will actually gel better without Pinglis taking up valuable real estate on the field, and also fuck Manly.

Canberra (1.55) vs Cronulla (2.50)

This is shaping up to be a classic modern rivalry, with the toothless, dribbling, meth-addict, dole-bludging, peptide-smoking premiers just having the edge over the handsome, rugged, athletic, powerful and honourable Raiders.  Canberra will be looking to avenge their grinding loss from the last round of finals last year, and what better way to get even from losing a finals match is to beat that team in round 2 the following year?

Tigers (2.05) vs Penrith (1.80)

If we look at this game on recent form:

Tigers defeated Rabbitohs by 16 points in round 1.  Rabbitohs defeated Dragons by 22 points in Charity Shield.  Dragons defeated Panthers by 32 in round 1

Based on this, the Tigers should beat the Panthers by 70 this week.  However, I’m sticking with the Mountain Men for another week (because I hate myself), as long as Bryce Cartwright can remember that he’s a 110kg back rower instead of a 60kg halfback. 

St George (2.00) vs Parramatta (1.80)

It wouldn’t surprise anyone if St George’s round one upset win is the highlight of their entire season.  In round 17 when they get destroyed 82-12 by the Raiders or the Cowboys (or the Knights), they’ll still be laughing and patting each other on the back and reminiscing about the time they beat someone and they were on top of the ladder. 

This just looks wrong

Next week:  A forgotten legend of the game

NRL 2017 - Round 1: It begins (again)

No sooner are we wiping Steve Smith from the corner of our mouths than we realise that the NRL season is right fucking here, and we’re about to get railed by the entire Canterbury team again.  At least we have Cooper Cronk to keep us warm at night.

Round 1 is always a tricky one to tip; you never know who has had a massive pie-eating off-season and who was locked in the gym for the last six months with a tub of protein powder and a rowing machine for company.  New players with new teammates in new positions in new jumpers with new injuries all come into the mix and all of a sudden tipping isn’t all that easy, until you just decide to tip whoever St George are playing.

ROUND 1:

Cronulla (2.10) vs Brisbane (1.77)

I don’t rate Cronulla’s chances of going back-to-back this year.  They will miss the shit out of Mick Ennis, and they are at least one coke-head down following Barba’s sacking.  Add in Valentine Holmes’ injury, new recruit Edrick Lee’s dickfingers and Old Man Gallen’s Zimmer frame, and you’ve got yourself a reluctant victory for Darius Boyd and his merry men. 

Canterbury (2.06) vs Melbourne (1.80)

A lot of people are claiming that the Storm are understrength going into this game, with injuries and omissions in some very key positions.  But they are ignoring the fact that the Bulldogs are woeful and should be kicked out of the competition for being shit at football.  What do you do with an underperforming team from 2016?  Don’t change a fucking thing for 2017, right Des?  You fucking muppet.  Get a haircut.

Souths (1.67) vs Tigers (2.25)

OOOOOH THIS WILL BE A GOOD GAME.  It won’t actually, and the only reasons that people have for watching this game will be if they:  (a) can’t find the remote control, (b) are being tortured, or (c) are only interested in seeing how Robbie Farah goes when he’s being jerked off by 10,000 toothless Rabbitohs fans instead of 10,000 toothless Wests supporters.  Who knows what the Tiges will be like now that they’ve realised that betting on the opposition is not a good way to win games?

St Merge (3.00) vs Penrith (1.42)

St George should be on the next series of The Biggest Loser. 

That’s about all.

North Queensland (1.42) vs Raiders (3.00)

I really don’t know why the Raiders are listed as such long-shots in this game.  Probably something to do with them being terrible on the road, poorer against North Queensland, shithouse in the tropics and piss-poor starters to the season in general.  But as the Canberran motto says, “Fuck you, Cowboys.”

Gold Coast (2.20) vs Roosters (1.70)

I wonder how long Hayne is going to hang around this year?  I have a sneaking suspicion that he’ll leave the club at the start of August to join some kind of wrestling troupe.  As is tradition, the Roosters have a shithouse year followed by a good year, then back to shit, then good again.  This is their good year, at least until State of Origin, then they can blame all of their losses on scheduling and Channel 9 and the weather and the global economy.

Warriors (1.16) vs Newcastle (5.50)

I don’t think Newy will be as bad as people think this year.  That said, I don’t think they’ll be anything that could be described as nearly good either.  The Warriors… fuck, I don’t know.  They’re the team that you want to like, they’re fun and expansive and huge and exciting and everything that you want in a rugby league team, but they also suck and are shit and are useless and have no skills and do all the things that you don’t want your rugby league team to do. 

    

Manly (1.77) vs Parra (2.10)

Manly come into this game as favourites.  I don’t know why.  I think Parra will go pretty well this year; even better if they stop cheating and don’t keep losing all of their points.  Corey Norman is back from his ban for having sex with a woman (and James Segyaro), Semi Radradra will want to leave a good mark on the game in the same way that he left a good mark on his wife, and Clint Gutherson will want to try and catch the ball this season.  Manly are hoping just to get through the season without crying.

 

Such a fearsome mascot

Next week because I ran out of time this week:  Mister Evil Breakfast’s picks for 2017