A lot of action off-field in the NRL has overshadowed the fact
that Canberra Raiders fans have discovered an alternative to Viagra – watching their
team put on 60 points over the Tigers.
WOOOOOO boners aplenty in the nation’s capital this week, my
friends. Aw yeah.
The NRL has declared referees to be official enemy #1 to all
teams, but most specifically the Roosters, who keep getting penalised for
breaking the rules of the game. It’s a
shocking way to treat the team, and both of their fans are very upset by
it. Then again, if I’d just lost to the
Dragons, I’d probably be looking at someone else to blame too. Like, what the fuck is with that ball? What kind of fucking shape is that? I DEMAND TRAPEZOIDAL PARALLELOGRAM SHAPED
BALLS. I can’t decide how the refereeing
community will take this blame – they might all put their whistles away and let
the players just beat each other to death, or they will blow penalties on
every.fucking.tackle just to prove a point.
Off-off-field, the Eels have joined the ranks of the Dogs and
the Storms in their dodgy book-keeping skills, and are set to lose competition
points for deliberately fucking their salary cap. This has changed them from being a certified
“Premiership Contender” to a “they’ll probably still make it, to be honest.” I am a massive fan of salary cap breaches
though, and love hearing about how Newcastle and the Tigers managed to spend
excess of a bazillion dollars to keep Jarrod Mullen and Dickfingers Moses from
leaving the club.
“Well guys, we just got beaten by 40 points again, but in
good news, Mitch is now earning $700,000 a year. He’s probably the most successful kid in his
year 11 class.”
Or maybe they just need to be smarter about dodgy player
payments, like the Cowboys, and don’t have “Dodgy Player Payments” as Item 3 on
your meeting agenda.
Round 9 NRL tips
Bunnies vs Tigers
The Rabbitohs have just three wins from the first eight
games, which really doesn’t bode well for them, but interestingly they are at a
similar point as they were in 2014 – the year they won the premiership. However, if they can’t beat the Tigers this
week, they might as well kiss the rest of the season goodbye. It would be nice if at least one player (from
either team) put in somewhere near a 70% effort.
Parra vs Doggies
The Dogs struggled all the way against the Titans last week,
and while the Eels let the scoreline blow out against the Cowboys, they are
still my secret crush team at the moment.
Basically because of Semi Radradra and Junior Paulo. Fucking hell, what were Paulo’s parents
thinking when they named him? The guy is
about 12 feet tall and weighs as much as six elephants. Junior?
Please.
Panthers vs Mighty Fucking Raiders
Penrith have made a habit of losing games by two points in
the 79th minute this year.
This week, that will all change as the Raiders put them away as early as
75 minutes in. Incidentally, this game
marks only the second time that the Penny’s spine has played together in the
last 40 games. I guess it's also the first game since about 1912 that they have
put a “full strength” side on the field.
Penrith will be too busy doing group introduction exercises to worry
about football this week. From last week’s
demolition of the Tigers, Canberra would have learned that tackling = good and
scoring = better. Raiders by a
dozenty.
Chooks vs Knights
The Roosters welcome back perennial cunt Mitchell Pearce from
suspension and Jared Waerea-Hargreaves from injury for the first time this
year. After losing to St George, they
will have something to prove – my tip goes to them, but I’d fucking love for
them to lose again, especially to fellow shit-dwellers Newcastle. No offence, Knights, but you guys are the
suckiest sucks who ever sucked. Damn
weiner Knights.
Manly vs Cowbs
Well, it will be (mildly) interesting to see if Jamie Lyon’s
retirement announcement will inspire his troops to perform for about 20 minutes
before they fall in a heap and the Cows trample them like the demon bovine
assassins that they are. This match is
pretty close to the “No Fucks Given” game of the round. But I’ll save that one for…
Warriors vs St Merge
THIS PIECE OF SHIT gets the official “No Fucks Given” match
of the round. I’d be surprised if the
ref even bothers to turn up. Here are
some things that people would rather do than watch this game: sit next to Grant
Hackett on an international flight; watch Daryl Somers’ new show; have a drink
with Todd Carney; get Tara Brown to pick up their kids for them. For those who do choose to watch, get ready
to see the ball do more metres on the ground than most of the players.
Titans vs Storm
Normally when people go to the Gold Coast to see a pair of
tits, they usually don’t mean the two Titans fans in attendance. This year, the Storm are sloppy; the halves
are easily confused and consistently panic with the ball, the outside backs are
either rocks or diamonds, and their forward pack is mainly made up of giant Kiwis. It’s almost like the Warriors, but the Storm
actually manage to occasionally win games.
Sharks vs Horses
I love how no matter which sponsor has the rights to
Cronulla’s home ground, it’s always just called “Shark Park.” When the ground is full, they put up a sign
on the front gate that says “Fuck off, we’re full.” Instead of buying tickets to get in, you can
show your Southern Cross pec tat, ‘Such is Life’ script across your neck tat,
or the “Aussie-flag-busting-through-skin” shoulder tat to gain entrance. But anyway – about the footy. If the Avengers came up against Brisbane
right now, they would lose. If Elvis was
ever as good as them right now, they would have renamed Earth in his
honour. Milford and Hunt are supernatural. Corey Oates’ official residence is “Over the
try line.” Brisbane will stop dominating
when they are good and ready. And they
aren’t ready just yet.
 |
| If Brisbane are the Avengers, Jack Reed is Hawkeye |
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