Friday, April 29, 2016
Thought of the day
Knowing that mixing yellow paint and blue paint to make green paint really hasn't come in as handy as kindergarten promised that it would.
Thursday, April 28, 2016
One-liner of the day
Did you hear that two people died
at the drive-in theatre last night?
They went to see 'Closed
for the Season' and froze to death.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
NRL 2016 - Round 9: Blame that guy
A lot of action off-field in the NRL has overshadowed the fact
that Canberra Raiders fans have discovered an alternative to Viagra – watching their
team put on 60 points over the Tigers.
WOOOOOO boners aplenty in the nation’s capital this week, my
friends. Aw yeah.
The NRL has declared referees to be official enemy #1 to all
teams, but most specifically the Roosters, who keep getting penalised for
breaking the rules of the game. It’s a
shocking way to treat the team, and both of their fans are very upset by
it. Then again, if I’d just lost to the
Dragons, I’d probably be looking at someone else to blame too. Like, what the fuck is with that ball? What kind of fucking shape is that? I DEMAND TRAPEZOIDAL PARALLELOGRAM SHAPED
BALLS. I can’t decide how the refereeing
community will take this blame – they might all put their whistles away and let
the players just beat each other to death, or they will blow penalties on
every.fucking.tackle just to prove a point.
Off-off-field, the Eels have joined the ranks of the Dogs and
the Storms in their dodgy book-keeping skills, and are set to lose competition
points for deliberately fucking their salary cap. This has changed them from being a certified
“Premiership Contender” to a “they’ll probably still make it, to be honest.” I am a massive fan of salary cap breaches
though, and love hearing about how Newcastle and the Tigers managed to spend
excess of a bazillion dollars to keep Jarrod Mullen and Dickfingers Moses from
leaving the club.
“Well guys, we just got beaten by 40 points again, but in
good news, Mitch is now earning $700,000 a year. He’s probably the most successful kid in his
year 11 class.”
Or maybe they just need to be smarter about dodgy player
payments, like the Cowboys, and don’t have “Dodgy Player Payments” as Item 3 on
your meeting agenda.
Round 9 NRL tips
Bunnies vs Tigers
The Rabbitohs have just three wins from the first eight
games, which really doesn’t bode well for them, but interestingly they are at a
similar point as they were in 2014 – the year they won the premiership. However, if they can’t beat the Tigers this
week, they might as well kiss the rest of the season goodbye. It would be nice if at least one player (from
either team) put in somewhere near a 70% effort.
Parra vs Doggies
The Dogs struggled all the way against the Titans last week,
and while the Eels let the scoreline blow out against the Cowboys, they are
still my secret crush team at the moment.
Basically because of Semi Radradra and Junior Paulo. Fucking hell, what were Paulo’s parents
thinking when they named him? The guy is
about 12 feet tall and weighs as much as six elephants. Junior?
Please.
Panthers vs Mighty Fucking Raiders
Penrith have made a habit of losing games by two points in
the 79th minute this year.
This week, that will all change as the Raiders put them away as early as
75 minutes in. Incidentally, this game
marks only the second time that the Penny’s spine has played together in the
last 40 games. I guess it's also the first game since about 1912 that they have
put a “full strength” side on the field.
Penrith will be too busy doing group introduction exercises to worry
about football this week. From last week’s
demolition of the Tigers, Canberra would have learned that tackling = good and
scoring = better. Raiders by a
dozenty.
Chooks vs Knights
The Roosters welcome back perennial cunt Mitchell Pearce from
suspension and Jared Waerea-Hargreaves from injury for the first time this
year. After losing to St George, they
will have something to prove – my tip goes to them, but I’d fucking love for
them to lose again, especially to fellow shit-dwellers Newcastle. No offence, Knights, but you guys are the
suckiest sucks who ever sucked. Damn
weiner Knights.
Manly vs Cowbs
Well, it will be (mildly) interesting to see if Jamie Lyon’s
retirement announcement will inspire his troops to perform for about 20 minutes
before they fall in a heap and the Cows trample them like the demon bovine
assassins that they are. This match is
pretty close to the “No Fucks Given” game of the round. But I’ll save that one for…
Warriors vs St Merge
THIS PIECE OF SHIT gets the official “No Fucks Given” match
of the round. I’d be surprised if the
ref even bothers to turn up. Here are
some things that people would rather do than watch this game: sit next to Grant
Hackett on an international flight; watch Daryl Somers’ new show; have a drink
with Todd Carney; get Tara Brown to pick up their kids for them. For those who do choose to watch, get ready
to see the ball do more metres on the ground than most of the players.
Titans vs Storm
Normally when people go to the Gold Coast to see a pair of
tits, they usually don’t mean the two Titans fans in attendance. This year, the Storm are sloppy; the halves
are easily confused and consistently panic with the ball, the outside backs are
either rocks or diamonds, and their forward pack is mainly made up of giant Kiwis. It’s almost like the Warriors, but the Storm
actually manage to occasionally win games.
Sharks vs Horses
I love how no matter which sponsor has the rights to
Cronulla’s home ground, it’s always just called “Shark Park.” When the ground is full, they put up a sign
on the front gate that says “Fuck off, we’re full.” Instead of buying tickets to get in, you can
show your Southern Cross pec tat, ‘Such is Life’ script across your neck tat,
or the “Aussie-flag-busting-through-skin” shoulder tat to gain entrance. But anyway – about the footy. If the Avengers came up against Brisbane
right now, they would lose. If Elvis was
ever as good as them right now, they would have renamed Earth in his
honour. Milford and Hunt are supernatural. Corey Oates’ official residence is “Over the
try line.” Brisbane will stop dominating
when they are good and ready. And they
aren’t ready just yet.
If Brisbane are the Avengers, Jack Reed is Hawkeye |
Thursday, April 14, 2016
NRL 2016 - Round 7: McFadden? More like... Mc... Fucked. Eh?
Almost two months gone in the regular NRL season, and we’ve
got a front-runner for “Coach Most Likely to be Sacked First” – let’s try not
to get too attached to NZ Warriors coach Andrew McFadden, who has been running
his team about the same way that I performed in SuperCoach comps a few years
back, which was by entering my tips in once and then forgetting about it.
Luckily (?) for Fads this week, he has finally decided to
change a few things up and has moved his half-line around by bringing in
Tuimoala “Can I Buy A Vowel” Lolohea at five-eighth to partner Shaun “Girlfriend”
Johnson at his preferred half-back position.
This is an interesting move as the Warriors have long described Tui as
the club’s future long-term half, but have played him on the wing and as centre
so far this year.
If the Warriors lose another one this week, I’d say that
McFads might find himself on the Centrelink line next week. With a pretty decent spine that closely
resembles the New Zealand national team, they have no excuses not to be doing a
whole lot better than they are. Key
recruits from last year Roger Tuivasa-Sheck and Issac “the Human Pudding” Luke
might need to find some form and fitness pretty soon (and also learn how the
whole “tackling” thing works), or they’ll have to start selling themselves on
the streets of Auckland just to be able to afford fush n chups for dunner. And no one wants to tonk a fullback who can’t
tackle.
Other contenders for “Shit Coach” are Paul “Mary” McGregor
and Jason “Fuckwit” Taylor from St George and Wests respectively. But they’re safe for at least another three
games because they have shit teams to work with anyway.
Round 7
Manly vs Parra
Parramatta played out of their balls last week against the
Raiders, and will look to former Sea-Eagle Kieran Foran for another smashing. Manly know his game well, and have a great
opportunity to upset the Eels. But they
won’t, because they’re shit.
Cowboys vs Rabbitohs
Souths fans everywhere will be breathing a sigh of relief
into their huffing bag as Adam Reynolds makes his comeback from a broken jaw from round 1. Is that seriously how long a
broken jaw takes to mend? I would have
thought longer. Despite the Bunnies
officially having a kicking game again, they’re too underdone to worry anyone
right now.
Tits vs St Merge
FUN FACT OF THE DAY:
Canberra Raiders captain Jarrod Croker has scored more points this year
than the St George team as a whole. I
have a funny feeling that the Dragons might finally get onto the board after a
slew of donuts, but I still don’t think it’ll be enough. Props to the St George fan who takes his “GST”
banner with him everywhere though. It’s
still not funny, but full credit to you, son.
Bulldogs vs Warriors
The Warriors have sparked their team with some key inclusions
in the half-line… but I don’t see it being enough. Through sheer determination, hard defence,
cheating and untraceable drugs, the Doggies have my stamp of approval.
Broncos vs Knights
The Knights managed to win last week. Good for them. The Broncos kind of do that a bit regularly,
so they probably wouldn’t have celebrated like it was 1999 all week.
Raiders vs Sharkies
Ah you Raiders, always keeping us guessing. Up one week, down the next. Smash the Bulldogs, get rolled by the
Eels. Draw with the Dragons, lose to the
Titans. Fuck. Whatever, they’ll win this game because the
Sharks are dicks.
Tigers vs Storm
It’s the official “No one Gives A Shit About” game of the
round. I can’t fucking tip either of
these teams, they keep turning it around and fucking me. This should be a draw. 13-all.
Roosters vs Penrith
Oh wait, it’s the official “Oh It’s Another One That
Seriously No one Gives A Shit About” game of the round. It was disappointing to see the Roosters get
off their winless season with a victory over the Bunnies last weekend, but here’s
hoping that the Panthers (who choose to lose most of their games by 2 points in
the last minute of the game) will keep them at the bottom of the ladder. St George fans are just happy that they’re
somehow not the worst team (statistically) so far this year.
I don't know where he's trying to kick the ball, but I doubt it's going to end up there |
Thursday, April 07, 2016
NRL 2016 - Round 6: Back to Normality
Holy fucking shit, what an absolute fucking clusterfuck of NRL over
the last couple of rounds. Completely
fucked. I had to take a few weeks off
blogging just to get over how fucked it was (I didn’t, really).
We’ve seen the premiership favourites fall to the Panthers,
the Panthers go down to the Dragons and the Dragons knock off Souths, who are
happily continuing their decline from 2015.
If this form continues, they’re looking like they’ll be kicked out of
the NRL again by 2018. I would like
George Clooney or Joseph Gordon-Levitt to throw some money at them next time (no offence, Rusty).
On the flip-side of that, Parramatta are looking like honest-to-Fijesus
premiership contenders… . Keiran Foran
is in good nick, and whenever there's trouble, just give the ball to Semi Radradra
(who has a great name to type, btw) to fuck some shit up. Also, keep it away from ol’ dick-fingers
Gutherson, who fucks everything he touches.
You know there’s some serious football being played when
people are concentrating on State of Origin (since Round 2) instead of talking
about which dickhead took which drugs and hit which other dickhead and why were
they at a nightclub at 4am on a Monday morning anyway what kind of role models
are these people they get paid too much and they should all be sacked.
Sorry, I think my mum just hacked my blog.
Round 6
Broncos vs Dragons
Should be a gimme for the Broncos – they really should
sneak home by about 30 or 40 points without breaking a sweat. The Dragons will be relying on Benji Marshall
and Josh Dugan to get points, so they’re pretty well fucked from the get-go.
Bunnies vs Eastern Suburb Roosters
Greg Inglis is an absolute liability at the moment and
should probably turn up to a game before he
smokes a thousand bongs. That said, if
there’s ever a team to play you into some form, the Roosters are ideal. Plenty of pressure for the Rabbits to keep
the latte-sipping gronks from Bondi winless for the year. Seriously, whichever team lets the Roosters
win will be the most hated team in the comp.
Here’s hoping it’s Manly.
Parramatta vs Mighty Canberra Raiders
It seems that somewhere around Round 4, someone showed the
Raiders how to tackle, and they said "Yeah, okay we’ll give that a go." This will be a cracker of a game, and
probably should have made it to the Sunday afternoon televised match instead of
the Spasticbowl that is Knights vs Tigers.
Close one to call, but I’m afraid I have to slap a reluctant $5 on the
Eels.
Warriors vs Manly
Fuck the Warriors for making life too fucking
difficult. They should win, because…
well… fuck Manly, right? MANLY FACT OF
THE DAY: Brett Stewart has never lost
against a New Zealand team. The Sea
Eagles will also be bolstered by the fact that Daly Cherry Evans isn’t playing for them.
Fuck it, gotta lose some time, Bretty.
Panthers vs Cowboys
PANTHERS FACT OF THE DAY:
They have gone for one whole week without an injury. Expect Matt Moylan to be stretchered off
around 30 minutes in. Penrith are like Josh-Reynolds-at-the-scrum for top-eight sides this year (a pain in the arse, amirite?), but I am still tipping the
Cows to win this game in a close one. Look
for Morgan to work a little magic in the last ten minutes to seal the deal.
Cronulla vs Titans
The Sharks should pretty much be the perpetual owners of
the “Who Gives A Fuck?” badge, and when you throw in the Titans as well, you’ve
got a double dose of no fucks being given.
Knights vs Tigers
Make that four fucks not being given. There hasn’t been such a no-fuck event like this
since I was in high school.
Storm vs Doggies
The Dogs always turn up to play the Storm, but Melbourne
are Monday night specialists. Add the
fact that both teams are out of form, and you’ve got a dead-set coin flip to
pick this one. I flipped my coin and dropped it down the drain so now I don't know how I'm going to get home.
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