An Ode To Canberra

Canberra’s the best place in the world, that’s clear

No city or country could ever come near

With towers and statues and buildings and shit

It’s a great place to live, but I wouldn’t want to visit.

Interstate visitors, the first thing you’ll say

When flying into Canberra is “is it always this grey?”

Canberra’s beauty is unparalleled and grand

But is just as nice to see… even when you can’t.

Where else can you fly ‘round a city in fog

From 7am till 11 o’clock?

The airport is great, but there’s much more to do

There’s Kingos, the Kingo, the Iro & the Moose!

Or you could tour the lake on a Segway ride

Travel at walking pace & go broke at the same time!

Grab a kebab from the Yarralumla shops

They’re a fucking Canberra institution & they’re fucking tops

Speaking of food, check out Brodburger

Here are some tips to take your experience further:

Order your food, then go check out the sites;

the Civic sheep statues, the thing on Drakeford Drive.

Maybe visit Parliament House, go and roll down the lawn.

Take a trip into Fyshwick, buy some… uh… used cars. 

Go to Westfield in Woden to look for some clothes.

Notice all of the men’s shops have signs that say “closed.” 

And there’s fifty new shops that sell cheap plastic gnomes

More discount stores there than the Hyperdome.

Then go north to Bonner and Casey and Crace

Think, “Why such small houses with so much fucking space?” 

Then head back to the city to pick up your order

That delightful smell masking the Lake Burley water. 

You rock up to Brodburger, ready to eat

You did the right thing by ordering last week.

Out comes your burger, FUCKING YES ABOUT TIME

You laugh at the people who are still waiting in line.

So you mung down your burger, and eat it with glee

The only difference is that they added some brie.

“That’s it?” you declare as you chew up your cheese.

“It’s a fucking burger, with salad and meat.

I waited all day, paid way too much cash

And all I get back is a bit of fromage?”

But remember the way that new things can work

When they come into Canberra and make people beserk?

Like when they opened the first Krispy Kreme Canberra store

Thousands of people all lined out the door.

A week later on, no one gave half a shit

For a donut; whether glazed, iced or had custard in it

When a new trend hits Canberra, the owners are holding their breath

That it escapes from the infamous Canberra hug-to-the-death.

When something is new, Canberrans will pick out their side:

Either love it too much, or ignore it to die.

A gourmet meal served out of a truck

That’s quirky enough to make me give a fuck.

So fuck it, enjoy your food down on the lake

It’s just a fucking burger, for fucking fuck’s sake

A Canberran’s idea to make something to please us

And all it has taken are two kinds of cheeses.

NRL 2015 Round 25 - All the off-field drama

Holy fuck, what the hell happened to the NRL last week?

Manly’s season ended when they struggled to overcome a struggling Parramatta team, Newcastle proved there’s still life in their decrepit old legs by beating Melbourne – the Storm’s fifth loss this year to a last-placed team – and Canberra forgot to turn up against the Titans.

Injuries have also turned the premiership race on its head.  The Roosters’ march to the minor premiership has been royally fucked by a season-ending knee explosion to Jared Waerea-Hargreaves, plus a bad case of dandruff for pansy-boy Mitchell Pearce, who will miss a month.  Souths have lost Greg “Future Immortal unless I play like I did last week” Inglis for at least a week while he recovers from a knee problem – hopefully he can also find some interest in the game during his time off as well, as he looked absolutely woeful in the loss to Canterbury on Friday night.  The Bunnies are not looking like contenders at all right now, and risking Inglis is probably not in their best interests.   The Cowbs will miss Michael Morgan, who has formed a great combination with Thurston this year, which has added a much-needed second player to the list of “people that the Cowboys rely on.” 

From the top eight, the fucking Bulldogs and Brisbane are looking like the most dangerous teams.

Off the field (sort of), the Wests Tigers, current favourites to be collecting the wooden spoon this year, have announced that they will be loading their captain Robbie Farah into the club catapult and firing him towards the sun, as they can no longer afford him under their current salary cap.  This is shit news, basically, and I fucking hate Robbie Farah almost as much as I hate Billy Slater, but way less than I hate Robert Lui.  I will have to draw a scale for you one day.  Farah joined the Tiges in 2003 (that’s 12 years at the same club, for those playing at home, Josh Dugan), and has played 236 games for them.  In 2013, he was inducted as a Wests Tigers Life Member.  Two years later, he has basically been sacked.  This is a shit way to treat someone that is regarded as a club legend, it’s a shit way to run a club, it’s a shit part of the NRL and it’s shit news for Robbie Farah. 

Rob’s current salary at Westststs is reportedly around $900,000 a year, and he still has two years to go on his contract.  If another team picks him up, they will probably offer him around $600,000 and the Tigers still have to pay him the remainder of his salary.  So instead of paying a man $900K, they are now paying no one $600,000 over two years. 

The salary cap restrictions and rules have been fucked for a long time, and this is probably a perfect example of why things need to be revised.  Special dispensations should be given to players who stick with a club for ten years, or if they receive life membership, or if they have managed not to be arrested during their career.  When Farah leaves, the average age of the Tigers will be 22, which is coincidentally the same number of knee reconstructions that James Tedesco will be having next year while sitting on a lazy $800,000 per annum pay rise.

Good luck next year, boys.

In other news, apparently ex-Parramatta legend Jarryd Hayne is trying his hand at playing NFL, but I haven’t heard anything of how his preparations are going.  I definitely haven’t seen twelve stories about him in two days, and absolutely no one at Fox Sports is jerking off over his every step. 

A list of players that the Tigers have let go in the last few years.  Courtesy of Beau Ryan's Instagram page which I found but don't look at because I can't remember my Instagram password and I only have like two photos on there anyway

Round 25

So many players missing this round.  Anyfuckingthing could happen. 

Souths vs Broncos

Whenever a team needs to score points against Souths, here’s an idea – run at Alex Johnston.  The kid is quick and is great in attack, but I reckon I could probably sneak past him, and I’m not in the shape I used to be.  And I’ve had a few.

Manly vs Roosters

As mentioned, the Roosters have lost Jared Waerea-Hargreaves for the year, but luckily have a small factory that churns out giant Kiwis to take his place.  The only worry about this game is that the Chooks won’t want to risk injuring anyone good (hence Maloney retaining his position) and may not dig deep enough to give 110% against a Manly side with nothing to play for.

Eels vs Sharks      

If the Sharks win (which they should) and the Rabbits lose (which they should), Cronulla will fucking sneak into fourth place.  FUCK.  OFF.  The Eels could come out and surprise everyone again, but for that to happen twice in two weeks would be nothing short of miraculous. 

Knights vs Doggies

Canterbury’s Sam Kasiano is fucking mental.  He gives me one of those “he’s ugly as sin but holy shit” boners.  I think the Morris twins will run amok on the edges of Newcastle’s often-breached defence, and should put on about 40 points.  Sorry Knights.  If Danny Buderus steps down as interim coach right now, he would go out as having the highest winning ration of any Newcastle coach ever.  Just sayin…

Storm vs Cowboys

The Storm are going in with an unchanged line-up that lost to bottom-placed Newcastle on Monday to take on the competition favourites.  Bold strategy, let’s see how they go.  They will want to fire up after another embarrassing loss last weekend, but my tip is going to the Cowboys.  Keep an eye on Kyle Feldt, who has a great name and heaps of speed.

Tigers vs Warriors

Fuck, I don’t know.  Despite the Tigers coming dead last but still looking more threatening than the Warriors have in the second half of the comp, I’m tipping for our Kiwi cousins.  How they’re still in finals contention is a complete mystery, and probably exemplifies just how bad everyone else has been this year.  Depending on how the Tigers have taken their off-field dramas, this could boil over like a forgotten saucepan.

Titans vs St George

You know how there are teams that are in the comp that you kind of forget about, and probably wouldn’t miss if they weren’t playing?  Yeah, that’s kind of these two teams for me, to be honest.  Nothing against either the Gold Coast or the Dragons, they just don’t do much for me.  Saints for the win though, apparently their season is still alive and kicking.  Allegedly. 

Raiders vs Panthers

The hardest thing about playing the Panthers?  Not hurting yourself when you tackle their wheelchairs.  That was way funnier in my head.  From a random stat that I read that I will in no way verify, this is the sixteenth time that Penrith have changed their starting halves combination.  I’m going for the Raiders this final week of Canberra Appreciation Month – hopefully they can lift a bit more than they did last week.  Also, hopefully they have learned that their BJ Leilui experiment was a fucking disaster, and will use his suspension to teach him how to play football.  I would fuck him off from the centres and get him into the second row.  Because if there’s anything that the Raiders need, it’s more giant fuck-off forwards.  Carn the Green Machine.

What do Canberran people talk about?

People in Canberra are known to socialise with each other occasionally, as long as there are no Queanbeyan residents within earshot.  If you find yourself in a conversation with a Canberran but are struggling to maintain regular repartee, the following topics may be of assistance:

Insinuate that all Public Servants are fat, lazy bureaucrats who waste the taxpayer’s money and have three hour boozy lunches every day.

This is a good one for an icebreaker, I’ve found.  It incites some vigorous debate about the evolution of the office worker, and can lead to some interesting thoughts on any current or former Minister. 

Point out the benefits of a light rail system from Civic to Gungahlin.

If you are talking to some southsiders, and I’m talking, like, Banks and shit, explain how a new public transport system would be an asset to the entire city, and how it will 'eventually' connect each Town Centre following a flawless introduction that had minimal impact on taxpayers. 

Gungahlin will be just a couple of minutes away for people who want to leave the City and shop at Coles, if are willing to wait until 2025.

How it’s impossible to find staffy bull terrier breeders in Tuggeranong.

I haven’t seen or heard anyone mention that they have about twelve pregnant staffies, have you?  They are such beautiful animals that wouldn’t hurt anyone, but when they do it’s really out of character for them, especially like last week and that was the kid’s fault anyway.

  

Mention that you have never had a taxi driver take you the long way home. 

To better orientate yourself with the Canberra layout, the use of this topic will raise the different arterial roads that connect the suburbs, as well as demonstrate how highly-regarded Canberra’s customer-service industry is, especially if they are ethnic minorities. 

How you are pretty sure you received a speeding fine from the Athllon Drive point-to-point speed camera.

Bringing up the glorious roadside art installation on Athllon Drive will usually incite Canberrans to display their oft-hidden underbelly in that they are little-known physicists who will simply explain complex equations such as “waste of fucking time, space and money” to you, including the misunderstood “roundabout matrix” and the fact that someone stole the S from the Red Rooster sign again.   

Canberra's speed cameras are based on the classic Pixar movie Wall-E

How to speak Canberran

Canberra is a funny place, despite what everyone some people think.  Once you have come to terms with the epic Canberra Northside vs Southside battle, learned how roundabouts work and got up to speed with the fact that DEEWR became DEWR which became Education, Canberrans will feel the need to defend their territory by attempting to ridicule you with our clever turns of phrase.

Canberrans will be able to take a Monaro on the Monaro, but they wouldn’t, especially during peak hour.  On the subject of driving, you are well within your rights to complain about Canberra drivers, because even though everyone in Canberra technically is a Canberra driver, we know exactly which ones you’re talking about, and it's not us.  

You can meet up at Kingos or the Kingo on a Saturday night for a few beers, but you should probably work out which one first. 

When you get to work on Monday and Steve asks, “Did you watch the footy on the weekend?” the correct response is, “Yep, wish I didn’t though.  Useless, overpaid prima donnas, amirite?!!” and then you can both laugh and pretend that you are both talking about the same game, team or sport. 

Depending on the social situation, you can mention the suburb in which you live, but ensure that no one is insulted or threatened.  If you noticed the BMW in the driveway, feel free to drop the line: “I live in Narrabundah.  On the Red Hill side” and soon you’ll be sipping champagne with high society.  However, if you saw that their Camry has its bumper bar gaffa-taped together, and you’re pretty sure that it has the hubcaps that were stolen from your car welded on, you could try: “I’m in Narrabundah.  Near the shops” and they’ll probably offer you a warm VB. 

Don’t try and work out why rugby league legend Mal Meninga is playing cricket on ads for a law firm.  It was always a pretty tenuous link, and serves us only to realise how fat Big Mal is getting. 

Manuka Honey is the latest craze in hipster foodstuffs due to its medicinal properties, organic production and unique flavour.  Canberrans will never quite be 100% convinced that it isn’t made in the back-alleys of Manuka.

You can discuss the merits of Kingsley’s with any Canberran, talking about the tender, juicy meat & delicate sides, and how you have managed to spend way too much money there on several occasions.  Well you could, until Kingsley’s closed down and only Kingsley’s was there to ease the pain. 

If all this is too confusing and you’re ever stuck in a conversation with a Canberran, just drop a subtle “Fuck Queanbeyan” and you’ll be best mates forever, despite the fact that you never see each other but will fully catch up again soon, maybe the next time the footy’s on?

NRL 2015 Round 24 - The race to the bottom of the ladder

Spoonbowl is on – with three rounds to go, there are still six teams who are threatening to take the prize that no one wants; last place.  That includes the Raiders, who just last week could have made the top eight if they’d won.  Crazy, no?  Looking at all six teams, they will all be in the running for being the NRL’s worst fucking team of the year until the final round, depending on results.  Luckily for the mighty fucking Green Machine, the Raiders have the best chance of escaping the dreaded spoon, as their next three games are against three teams below them – which is a feat in itself when you’re tied for second last.

Round 24

Dragons vs Panthers

Penrith could use that wooden spoon to stir a nice big pot of chicken soup so they can all feel better.  Benji Marshall is back for the Dragons, if that means anything anymore.  I'll tip the Dragons, but only just.  The desperation to keep off the bottom of the ladder will be a huge incentive for the Panfers.

Souths vs Doggies

No Sutton or Keary for Souths means this fucker will be a bit tricky to tip.  Issaac Luke getting let go by the judiciary for a pretty ordinary hit just adds to the confusion of what actually constitutes a shoulder charge.  “Was it late?”  “Yep.”  “A bit shouldery?”  “Yes, quite shouldery indeed.”  “No charge, here’s $20 for a cab, sorry to waste your time.  If you leave now, you’ll make it home in time for House Husbands.”  Of course, this just means that Luke is going to do something much, much more stupid this week.  Anyway, I am going for the Dogs.  I still can’t trust Souths… and when you trust Canterbury-Bankstown more than someone, you know there’s trouble. 

Cronulla vs Tigers

The Sharks were brought back to earth (or sea) last week with a thumping from the Storm, and the Tigers managed to fall to the Knights… somehow… so both teams will be looking to save face, keep in touch with the top eight/stay off the bottom of the ladder, and actually show that they’re not as bad as they were last week.  As a result, this game gets the Mister Evil Breakfast Dangerous Upset Game of the Round Stamp (MEBDUGOTRS).  I’m tipping the Sharks, but without too much confidence.

Warriors vs Cowboys

The Cowboys are meant to win, and the Warriors are destined to lose… which means that a solid 18 point win for the Warriors is on the cards.  Fucked if I’m tipping them though; they look like absolute dick at the moment.  And not good dick, if you know what I mean.  I don’t know what I mean.

Roosters vs Broncos

Could be the game of the season – the last time these dickheads played each other, the NRL world went into a complete meltdown about the quality and speed of the game, and it was branded an “instant classic” and will probably be available to watch on Foxtel on one of the sports channels next year.  Whether or not this one lives up to those lofty heights is anyone’s guess, as is the winner.  I’m going for the Roosters, but only fucking just.

Titans vs Raiders

The Raiders were kind of robbed last week against Manly, but were once again punished for not playing out the full eighty minutes.  With a 26 degree day forecast, the Canberra forwards could tire a bit more quickly than usual, giving the Titans about thirty minutes to win this one.  Canberra should still manage to scrape through by about 12. 

Manly vs Parramatta

The Eels gave a right good ol’ scare to the Roosters last week by leading for about 95% of the game before doing what we expected and capitulating badly to go down by 10.  Manly are probably a bit lucky to still have their season going, and will defend this one to the bitter end.  Any time Manly wins is a bit bitter.

Storm vs Knights

I’m going to pull out the ol’ MEBDUGOTRS again for this game, as it has my sirens ringing in all the wrong ways.  Not enough for me to tip Newcastle against Melbourne though.  I mean, come on.  Gidley.  Nuff said.

Canberra's Hidden Gems

Canberra has its fair share of great tourist attractions – the majestic Parliament House, the award-winning War Memorial, the edufunctional Questacon and the-how-is-this-place-still-open Cockington Green gardens. 

However, any Canberran worth their salt will tell you that the best parts of Canberra are the ones you have to look for, the ones that aren’t in your hoity-toity Lonely Planet guides; the parts of Canberra that tell a story that is less to do with grey buildings and roundabouts, these are real stories about love and loss and HOLY FUCK WAS THAT A PEACOCK? 

Yes, yes it was.  Canberra is home to its own flock of wild peacocks, that live on Dalrymple Street in Red Hill.  Rumour has it that a couple of go-getting Red Hill residents decided that their billion-dollar houses and sold-gold rocket cars weren’t enough, and wanted to raise a brood of peacocks.  No one is really sure why you’d want multiple peacocks wandering around your back yard; I don’t know how valuable they would be to sell, or if the Canberra market was ready to mung down on peacock meat or peacock eggs, or if there was much of a demand for big ol’ feathers, or if the Jonesmithtons in Yaralumla caught wind of it and said, “I hear Red Hill has its own peacocks.  I DEMAND WE GET SOME!  Can you please move the BMW to get to the Mercedes, as we need to upgrade it to the current model on our way, you know.”    

In any case, the RSPCA got wind of this fucking ridiculous plan and decided that Canberra isn’t the topsest place to raise tropical birds that get pissed off really easily, so the owners took them to a farm so they could chase tennis balls or do whatever peacocks do.  Unfortunately, the peacocks found their way back to their Red Hill house and continued peacocking around.  So they were moved again.  And again, they came back, but this time they completed a degree in International Relations at the ANU, joined the Public Service grad program, worked their way up to EL1, got picked up by KPMG Consultants and have subsequently moved into a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom place in Red Hill permanently. 

So the next time you are meandering around Red Hill, keep an eye out for Canberra’s own zoo.  You know, other than the other one.  

 Here, a peacock is seen scoffing at a 'common' car in Red Hill.  

NRL 2015 Round 23: Rabble Rabble Rabble

Everyone and their dog (settle down, Joel Monaghan) has an opinion this week on whether the NRL is getting too soft by outlawing shoulder charges and punching people in the face or the back of the head.  The way the current rule is, any contact made by the defender with their shoulder and no attempt to use their arms is an automatic penalty and trip to the judiciary… except for motherfucking Kane Evans who put Sam Kasiano on his giant arse with the most blatant shoulder-charge this year and managed to escape all punishment through the legality of “holy fuck that was a good hit.” 

Then Willie Mason got suspended for lightly touching some fucking weak unit after said weak unit literally ran into him.  I’m not a massive Mason fan, but he was hard fucking done by, and it’s more proof that the NRL has no idea how to police their own rules.  Each tackle should be judged on its own merits, or lack thereof, including contact with the head.  If it’s a good fucking hit, it needs to stay in.  If it’s a good fucking hit that goes fucking awry, then punish that.  EASY AS FUCK.

In a classic Bulldogs move, up-and-comer David Minute was sacked by the club after repeatedly ringing a female trainer and jerking off over the phone to her.  That is some vintage Canterbury action right there.  We haven’t had a good old-fashioned sexual discrimination-verging-on-assault for a while from those lovable lads in Bankstown, so well done to them for maintaining the highest possible standards and once again shining a glorious light on the players of the NRL, while also providing a great example that the female staff members of rugby league clubs are always appreciated and held in the same stead as their male counterparts.      

Canberra Appreciation Month update

Well, the Raiders went and fucked up Canberra Appreciation Month AGAIN by fucking losing to the motherfucking Tigers on Monday night, snatching a heart-breaking loss from the sweaty clutches of a crushing victory, and really fucking up their fucking chances of fucking qualifying for the fucking finals.

Canberra looked like absolute balls whenever they were put under any kind of defensive pressure and proved AGAIN that they are currently incapable of closing out a game.  Blake Austin played as if he’d just come back from a date with Bill Cosby, and Sammy Williams tried to do too much in his first game back from injury and was attempting to carry the team on his tiny little shoulders.  Dave Shillington won’t forget his 200^th game for the club, as he was sent from the field for headbutting – the first bloke to be marched in two years.  He somehow avoided the wrath of the judiciary, and will be taking his place in the team this weekend after spending zero weeks on the sideline.  This will probably make him a marked man for the rest of the season, and he should expect to cop a bit from other big boofheads who have been suspended for lesser infringements.  Could  be good to see what happens though, seeing as ol' Shillo seems to be sitting on a powder keg at the moment.  We might even see a punch get thrown.  If that happens, wake the kids up.  It's like Halley's comet.  

 

Player of the Week:  Shannon Boyd, who scored a double in Monday night's loss to the Tigers.  There's so much I'd like to say, but won't because I'd be afraid of this guy breaking into my house, literally tearing me in half and eating me.
Also, he's 22.  Twenty-two.  Let THAT sink in.  This guy has seen some shit.

 Round 23

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Both teams will have to pick up their act from last week’s effort to get the cookies in this match, and I think that Souths just have too much ground to make up.  Add to that a host of injuries, Joel Reddy and two Burgess brothers with pillows for hands, and my prediction is that North Queensland are going to towel up the premiers. 

Brisbane Broncos vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Fuck Brisbane, way to prove that you actually do suck by sucking a lot over the last few weeks.  Thankfully they are playing a rapidly declining St George team this week to get them back into the groove of beating wooden spoon contenders.  PHEW.

Wests Tigers vs Newcastle Knights

Newcastle?  More like OLDcastle, amirite?!?!  It would be nice to play for the Knights though – you get priority seating on public transport, discount movie tickets, weekly field trips, daily nap times, being surrounded by friendly people your own age that understand you…  The Tigers have been in season-best form lately (that doesn’t really mean much though) and have put together two wins in a row for the first time in two years, and unless they lose their heads this weekend, they’ll make it three.  Most clubs can only dream of such success.  Like the Raiders. 

Penrith Panthers vs New Zealand Warriors

Watching this match should come with a health warning that it has the potential to hurt all five senses and those with heart conditions or who are pregnant or support either of these teams should avoid it at all costs. 

Sydney Roosters vs Parramatta Eels

The combined score of the last two Roosters vs Eels matches at the SFS is 106-4.  That is an insult to the Australian cricket team as much as it is Parra. 

It must be close to illegal for games like this to happen.  If everything goes the way that it should go (on paper), it will be like watching the Roosters beat a cripple to death with their own wheelchair.  Yes, that’s how politically correct I am.  Go fuck yourself.  Yeah.

Canberra Raiders vs Manly Sea Eagles

The boldest of Canberra supporters can see the might fucking Green Machine snapping back into form and breaking Manly’s streak of wins… not me though.  Stupid dickwits. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Gold Coast Titans

This game has my stamp of “if there’s going to be an upset, it will be in this game, bitches” on it, but I wouldn’t put my house on that.  The Dogs forwards will take them to victory and really piss on the Titans season.  It hasn’t been great. 

Cronulla Sharks vs Melbourne Storm

The Sharkies are looking the fucking goods right about now – not that I’d admit that to anyone – and if they can beat a Storm team that should be pretty desperate to keep their grubby little claws in the top eight, they’ll confirm as genuine outside chances to possibly upset a good team to maybe get into the grand final, which they will lose.  If they don’t, then they’ll probably get on the ol’ slippery slope down to shitsville.  I reckon they’ll do alright though.  I’m so confident that sometimes it hurts.

NRL 2015 Round 22: Indigenous Round, so no booing unless it’s because you hate the player, like Greg Bird.

Holy shit it’s Friday already.  It was a bit of an up-and-down weekend last week; we saw the stupid fucking Sea Eagles flog a seemingly-unbeatable Broncos team and fuck everyone’s tips, then the Tigers decided to flog the bejesus out of an underperforming-but-still-it’s-only-the-Tigers-surely-you-can-beat-these-dickheads Melbourne Storm team.  The Bunnies dragged themselves to an unconvincing win over the Panfers, but dragged is the key word here - it was like they were crawling over broken glass and syringes while people spat on them... no, that was actually Penrith.  Meanwhile, St George got their first victory in seven attempts, but before we crack the champers and start planning a Grand final party, let’s not get too carried away, as it was only against Newcastle.  To top off the round, the Roosters and the Bulldogs decided to toy with everyone’s emotions by playing alternating 20-minute periods throughout the game. 

Thoughts on this week - Manly are shaping up to be the fucking Mighty Ducks this year, having scraped themselves off the bottom of the ladder after about 20 rounds, now find themselves just one win away from making the finals.  Come on.  I mean, fuck.  Come on.  Fucking hell, come on.  What the fuck, everyone?  Come on.

In Mighty Canberra Raiders Green Machine Bang Bang Big Mal Ricky’s Groin Jarrod Croker WOO GO YOU FUCKING RAIDERS news, Sia Soliola, one of the buys of the season and proud owner of a major contender for “hit of the year” has gone and ruled himself out for the rest of the year with a broken cheekbone.  DICKHEAD.   The injury was sustained in last weekend’s loss to the Cowboys in Townsville after the Raiders squandered an 18-point lead, and due to altitude and air pressure, was advised not to fly home after the game, which no doubt led to the following scenario….

Soliola: Argh fuck man, my cheekbone’s gone, broken, I’m fucked.  I’m done.  Oh well, at least we won the game, right?  We couldn’t possibly let an 18-nil lead slip. 

Ricky Stuart:  Uhhhhh... sorry, we kind of lost.  By kind of a lot. 

Solila:  Fuck!  Seriously?  Well that sucks.  Anyway, let’s get on the plane and we can go through the game and work out what worked and what didn’t, you know, find some key areas to target and improve on for next week.  It will make this seven-hour flight from Townsville to Canberra a useful endeavour. 

Ricky Stuart:  Yeah, about that…  we can’t actually let you onto the plane.  The ah, cabin pressure will worsen your broken bone.  The one in your head.  The one that broke.  

Soliola:  What the fuck, seriously? How am I going to get back to our nation’s capital then? 

♫ Sitcom intro music begins to play ♫

♫ Lost the game and broke my face

Gotta get out of this place

Can't catch a plane to get back home

Thankfully I'm not alone

Team doctor, cheerleader and then me

Driving back in a Suzuki

We need to cross Australia

My name is Sia Soliola ♫ 

I’d like to think the show deals with the inner workings of today’s modern athlete mixed with some road-trip hi-jinx and some hilarious “I-spy” rounds.

This week is a deadset cracker of a rugby league round, with almost every game a massive brainfuck as to who to tip.  Don’t worry everyone, I’m here to walk you through it.   

Brisbane Broncos vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Broncs got brought back to earth with a flogging from Manly last week.  Stupid Horses.  The Dogs, on the other hand, showed some rare fight in their close loss to the Roosters.  Hopefully Brissy won’t give them the opportunity to stage a comeback this week and will piss the Dogs well and truly away from the top eight.  Hate the Dogs.

Manly Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Manly have dropped Turbo Tom Trbojevic for… reasons.  I guess Toovey just wants to piss as many people off as he can before he leaves the club.  This game has had me umming and aahing all week, and I’m scared.  Scared and cold.  And hungry.  And a little sleepy.  The Bunnies need to win this one to get some momentum going into finals; and also to quash Manly’s hopes and dreams.  Quashing Manly’s hopes and dreams is always a bonus.  On form… I’m sorry.  I can’t not tip Manly. 

New Zealand Warriors vs St George Illawarra Dragons

The Warriors have opted not to play Konrad Hurrell in this match, dropping him to NSW Cup, presumably to ensure that they will be knocked out of finals contention by losing matches, rather than through points differential.  Noble fuckers, don’t you think?

Cronulla Sharks vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Time for both of these teams to nut up or shut up – the Sharkies have somehow managed to sneak their grubby little way into fifth place, while the Cowboys have been in premiership-winning form.  A win by either team will give them a boost heading into the arse-end of the season.  Go Cowbs, but only fucking just.

Parramatta Eels vs Penrith Panthers

Business as usual for both teams last week as they both managed to rack up losses.  I guess one team will improve that this week.  Stats and form and stuff are pointing me towards the Penny Panthers.  Probably by a lot, actually.  Donk a thousand on Bryce Cartwright to single-handedly flog the piss out of the Eels. 

Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans

Melbourne were on the wrong end of what was possibly the upset of the round last week, getting smashed by the War Machine Wests Tigers.  The amount of psychological damage acquired may take longer than a week to fully overcome, and it may have fundamentally affected their self-belief and their lack of trust in one another.  It could lead to a lack of cohesion within the team mechanics, which is one of the major attacking weapons that their coaching staff has engrained within the team. 

On the other hand, fuck the Titans AMIRITE?

Newcastle Knights vs Sydney Roosters

The Knights have had a pretty shitty year in 2015.  All they really need now is some kind of scandal, maybe a salary-cap rorting issue, whereby it shows their players are also collecting their aged-care pension as well as match payments.  Newcastle are playing like the Australian cricket team lately – and will probably end up the same – losing by about 400.  The only thing they can hope for is that the Roosters fall into old habits and go into the game drastically underestimating a bottom-of-the-ladder team and forget to show up. 

Canberra Raiders vs Wests Tigers

Both teams have lost some firepower with injuries to Sia Soliola and Josh Hodgson, with a suspension for Edrick Lee for the Raiders, while psychotic ball runner Martin Tapau from the Tigers will also sit out the week for attempted murder and cannibalism in a one-man fight last week.  The Raiders welcome back big Sammy Williams from a pec injury, all 5’3 of him – an inclusion that will warm my heart, as the Raiders have struggled like… well, Wests… without him.  The only bloke who could stop the Machine de Verde from winning this puppy is fucking Tedesco, who should have fucking signed with Canberra last year.  Other players to watch are fucking Brooks and Moses, who show flair in attack, but like most 12-year olds who play first grade, are shithouse in defence.  But they could definitely fix your Foxtel if it fucks out… and probably beat you at Call of Duty on the X-Box.  You know, those important things in life. 

Mister Evil Breakfast's Canberra Appreciation Month 2015

I tried really hard to get this to match the meter and rhyme scheme of "True Blue" by John Williamson, but didn't really get there because I think I forgot how much he sort of just drifts off and mumbles "Hey True Blue" and "sponge cake" and it started to get hard.  I've also had that song in my head for about a week thanks to this stupid launch of MEBCAM for 2015.  So now hopefully you will too.  You can thank me later.

Hey Canberra

Hey Canberra, you’re number one. 

So you’ve got yourself four big lakes

And all those fucking swans. 

Hey Canberra.  Hey Canberra

Walked through Garema Place, met some brand new mates.  

Who all need just a dollar 

To catch a bus to Crace.   

Hey Canberra 

Is it the ANU? 

Is it Banks or Hall?  Is it Amaroo?

In line at the bar in Kingos on a Friday night. 

There’s only one person on tonight. 

Canberra, you want microbrew? 

Drinkin at Bent Spoke 

My rent costs less than a pint

But this is what we do

Hey Canberra  

If it’s ten below   

Give us fucking snow!   

Hey Canberra

How 'bout the Raiders 

Back in ’94?  Yeah, it’s been a while.

Hey Canberra (you suck) 

Canberra, are you at the Moose? 

Is it the light rail, or the Vader balloon? 

Is it going to the Arboretum, because you fucking love trees? 

I’m not judging.  You just like trees. 

Caaaanberra, how’s your owl statue?   

Is it Tongue n Groove?   

Is it Scotty and Nige, is it Erindale Pool? 

Is it driving 10 minutes to work, and getting all red lights? 

Still made it in by nine. 

Caaaaaaan-berra.  CAAAAAAANBEERRRRRAAAAA.  

words and music by Mister Evil Breakfast and possibly John Williamson