NRL 2014 – Finals series week 1: Fuck off, Brisbane

Ah… welcome to the first round of NRL finals.  What a glorious time in the NRL calendar, especially for Raiders fans since 1994, as it means that we don’t have long to wait until cricket season and there’s a reason to be excited about sport again. 

The last week of the regular season certainly did fuck around with some teams, especially ALL OF THE ONES I TIPPED, as I crashed out to score a grand total of 1 correct game for the round.  I would love to accept the responsibility for such a terrible tipping performance, but really, I have to point a big, fat finger at all of the other teams who lost.  Fucking useless bunch of excuses for football teams.  Go play netball, all of you.  Except Josh Dugan, who put in a great effort in the last round of the season to go out of his way to ignore the “no punching” rule and went to town on some poor dickhead from Newcastle.  With no real consequences (other than sitting out the first few rounds next year, although I have no doubt that Duges would have a “niggling injury” that he picked up in the off-season (gonorrhoea) “trial matches” (team trip to Thailand) that he would be “rested” until round 4 anyway.  So good for him.  Watching him punch on with no regard for the rules was akin to watching a high school kid receive his graduation certificate, punch the teacher who gave it to him and then say, “I cheated on all of my exams,” before doffing his cap and hitting the cask wine under an underpass with his mates.  Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s how Duges did celebrate his graduation from primary school. 

The NRL even managed to get through a Mad Monday with only one story about the Cronulla Sharks getting any media attention, but since the media have been camping out at the Sharkies HQ since March, that’s really no surprise.  So well done everyone on not being arrested for one week in a row. 

Finals Round 1

Manly Sea Eagles v South Sydney Rabbitohs

Sydney Roosters v Penrith Panthers

Nth Queensland Cowboys v Brisbane Broncos

Melbourne Storm v Canterbury Bulldogs

Manly are playing like absolute balls lately, and even though Souths were well off the boil last week, should be able to get out to an eighteen-point lead before giving up thirty in the second half.  Basically because I’d really like to see Brett Stewart cry on the field at full-time. 

I hate to admit it, but the Roosters are looking pretty good at the moment.  Playing well too.  It’s nice of Mitchell fucking Pearce to start playing well; pity he couldn’t have produced this kind of form when he should have, you know, like when he was picked for representative duties.  What a dick.  Honestly.  If he can keep it up (that’s what she said), and Maloney, Reynolds and that other bloke continue to be rubbish, he should walk into NSW camp next year.  And get selected to play Origin as well.  FUCK I AM ON FIRE.  I still think he’s a twat though, and I don’t use the word ‘twat’ freely.

Brisbane don’t deserve to be in the finals and should save themselves the embarrassment of losing really super horrifically badly and just forfeit.  Then Thaiday should retire and join the Footy Show as “that big guy who says funny things but is also remarkably knowledgeable and articulate.”  He could take over Beau Ryan’s role, as “that kind of funny guy whose talent is being spread a bit too thin over way too many things including WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS.” 

And the Storm should be played back into form by the Bulldogs, who have been very entertaining to watch this year, in a Billy Madison kind of way.  If I was Des Hasler, I’d get a haircut, then sack that Reynolds bloke for being the world’s biggest fuckwit.  The Dogs already have a shit reputation for being grubs, cheats, losers, rapists, gangbangers and druggies that they really don’t need this fucking spastic to really ingrain that stereotype.  

I'm not sure who's more embarrassed about sleeping with who in this picture