My NRL finals tipping hasn’t gone as well
as it possibly could have, to the point where I think I’ve only picked one
correct game in about a month. I guess
it just goes to show how ordinary the teams really are.
So consider that my NRL tips are all kinds
of fucked, let’s give this AFL game a crack.
There’s only one game left – two teams to choose from – can’t be that
fucking hard, can it?
AFL GRAND FINAL
Swans vs Hawks
I’ve done a whole shit-tin of research on
this game, comparing and contrasting these two teams since their inception into
the league in 1734, counted all of their marks, possessions, disposals,
inside-50s, goals, penalties and most importantly, I’ve studied their behinds
(hehehehe). The conclusion is that they are
decidedly even, with each team kicking a few, missing a bit, catching a couple,
not catching it when they probably should have, everyone yelling “BALL!”, some
players being allowed to hold other players behind the play a lot more than
others, pushing in the back is sometimes legal, sleeves are optional, tatts are
not, the video ref is rubbish and there’s a position called back pocket. That’s where I keep my wallet (and my parking ticket when I go to the multi-storey car park).
I also learned that one of the main
players in this game will be superstar Lance “Buddy” Franklin, who left the
Hawks last year (maybe the year before), to have wild passionate sex on a $50-note-filled-mattress
with supermodel Jacinta Campbell while Leonardo diCaprio draws them “like one
of his French girls.” Fuck it, I’d
probably do the same thing. So if there
are any AFL teams out there looking for a skinny 34-year old bloke who hasn’t
ever played the game before, I am willing to accept money and supermodels to
join your club. I probably can't kick straight either.
My super journalistic skills (watching the
Today show) have also discerned that the Hawks seem to be banking all of their
hope on a bloke called Cyril Rioli rising from his deathbed to play in the
game. At time of last checking (“I wake
up with Today!”), Cyril still hadn’t passed or failed his fitness test… so
yeah, I don’t really know what else to do with that. If he doesn’t play, will Hawthorn just
forfeit? Surely they have other players
who could strap on some boots, pull their socks up, throw some grass in the air
and nail a behind (hehehehe).
It’s not my fault - the two main players
in this game are called Lance and Cyril!
At least tell me that there’s a Tobias and a Sebastian playing as
well?
NRL SEMI FINAL
I couldn’t resist coming back to this one –
sorry AFL fans. What a classic couple of
games last week, with 1 point bundling Manly out of the comp (woohoo) to let
the Doggies go through (hrrrrm), and the Roosters giving up a 30-point lead to
somehow get over the Cowboys (bit of cheating going on, and some Sonny Bill “allowances”
from the referees, perhaps) by a field goal as well. From here on in, a one-point win (the single
digit) is now known as the Hopoate.
Kids, ask your parents.
I think the Roosters looked fucked under
pressure last week, and any team that lets a 30-point lead go at any stage of
the season should be sent to play French rugby for a while. I mean, fuck, even the Raiders weren’t that
bad. Sure, they never scored 30 points
all year, but still. My money is on the
Rabbits to take the Chooks down – the Roosters have shown on a few occasions
this year that they are not an 80-minute team, and will leak like Todd Carney
once the game’s momentum has swung. If
the Bunnies can defend for 30 minutes of the first half, the game will be
theirs.
And the Doggies taking on the Panthers –
fuck me, there’s two teams who I don’t think too many people would have picked
to be here at this stage of the season – regardless of who wins (and I hope it’s
not Canterbury), I just don’t see either of them with the finesse and class to
beat either Souths or the Roosters in next week’s granny. But we have seen time and time again that
teams coming from bum-fuck nowhere to play in the GF have shown guts and
determination, and have been under-estimated to upset a more highly-regarded
team. Like the Mighty Ducks, or every
single American Football movie ever made.
But that won’t happen this year. Souths to conquer all, mofos.
Roosters vs Bunnies
Doggies vs Panthers