fooseball

Happy Friday, sportsfans. Because I'm being a bit lazy, the ever-lovely April O'Neil is filling in for this week's footy tips. Take it away, tiger...

April:

Apparently my last lot of so called ‘celebrity’ tips were nothing to write home about. Or as Todd put it ‘they sucked’. Thanks Todd.

I thought my first step might be to actually watch a game – novel concept I know. It just so happened that we managed to score a littl’ ol’ game here in WA, so I trundled on down to watch the Rabbitohs and the Storm to take some notes. Apparently WA is the ‘adopted home’ of the Rabbitohs, which would normally be a good enough reason to support them. However any team, anywhere, dressed like a Christmas tree can forget getting any merch money from me. Who actually came up with those colours? And stripes? Don’t NRL clubs employ people with fancy titles like ‘marketing officers’ to run a whole series of concept designs on mahoosive pieces of card past a panel for a majority vote? Surely a whole panel of people couldn’t be responsible for such a fashion faux pas. Unless it was a panel made up of people with fashion tastes like my dad. Then anything goes.

Mister Evil Breakfast:

Sorry April, I'm going to have to interrupt. Because you are (a) a girl and (b) from a non-rugby-league-loving part of Straya, you think that uniforms are important, and because you're an AFL-kind-of-person, you have invented positions within the club such as "marketing officers" to recreate the fucking jersey every sixteen seconds so some punter who supports the team has to shell out another trillion dollars for a fucking sleeveless jumpie that they'll get to wear once before it becomes outdated. Souths have it all settled: they got some colourblind champion to design their uniform back in 1735 and have not looked back since. That's the way it should be.

April:
I found my seat (after a visit to the bar) which was behind the try line (see I even picked up some lingo) where the Rabbitohs were doing their warm-up. Actually, it looked more like they were preparing for a massivo group sex session (which I’ve heard is not uncommon in NRL). First they started with a little ‘ball’ tossing, followed by what appeared to be karma sutra stretches before some grappling and rolling around on the ground with each other, intertwined tighter than your nanna’s crocheting wool. I kid you knot (pun intended). I mean honestly (who throws a shoe), it’s no wonder NRL has a bad reputation.

Now a couple of the rules got me. I played a bit of touch rugby in my day, so I can get the general gist of having to throw the ball backwards and aiming for the try line. But when one team kicked the ball out of play and then got it back I was a bit perplexed. Are the umpires feeling sorry that they can’t keep the ball in play and therefore give it back to them? ‘It’s ok tiger, we know you were trying hard. Why don’t you have another go, see if you can’t keep it within the field of play this time?' 'Cheers mate, we'll give that a burl'.

MEB:

Can you explain to me then why someone who doesn't quite catch the ball in AFL still gets credited with a mark? If he truly "had control" of the ball, he would have held onto it. Still, fans of a game that gives away a point for "close enough" will probably never be able to fully appreciate the ballet that is rugby league.

April:
So now that I’m full bottle (yes it only took one 90 minute game), I’m going to give this tipping caper another shot.

Bulldogs and Cowboys.
Bulldogs are in second spot, and my favourite and playing number happens to be 2. Which would be ok if I ever decided to take up rugby, as the right wing threequarter (what exactly does he do with the other quarter?) because I’m not bad on the right side of the field. Plus if ‘wing’ actually refers to being near the sideline if you get bored you can always chat to the bench or the spectators. Anyway, Bulldogs for me.

Wests Tigers V Dragons
I actually bought a really cool glass dragon when I was in Canberra, found him the other day when I was unpacking boxes. I don’t have any tigers, or wests for that matter. If that wasn’t enough reason to tip the Dragons, sitting on top of the ladder probably works in your favour.

Titans v Warriors
IT’S THE CLASH OF THE TITANS... and the Warriors. Denzel Washington coaches the Titans, overcomes adversity and rock throwing racists to deliver a feel good movie about footy. Apparently there is also movie titled The Warriors, but I haven’t seen it, and therefore it’s got nothing. Titans

Roosters V Sharks
My goodness, they are so far down the ladder they're almost not on it. Raiders are obviously there for sympathy; keep them company before their mahoosively late run at the top 8. Have there been any coach sackings yet? Any talk that the Roosters are throwing matches to get better draft picks (do they even have draft picks in NRL?). I don't know and I’m guessing nobody really cares. I'm picking the Refs and if they don't win then it'll probably be the Sharks, who’ll want to lose less.

Raiders V Storm
So last time I did the unthinkable and tipped against the Raiders... so they won. I did take part of the credit for their win and using women’s logic (if I tip them and loose I’ll be more pissed than if I don’t tip them and they win) I’m potentially going to upset all the MEB readers and tip against them again. I’ll understand if I don’t get invited back.... Storm, just, and that’s as quietly as I can say it.

Eels v Broncos
I think the whole of Queensland could be having a mahoosive party for the next 4 days having won the Origin Series. That'll be enough energy for them to go out and smash the Eels this week, unless of course they are drug and alcohol tested before they play, in which case the Eels might stand a chance with no opposition. But I'm betting that won't happen (the drug and alcohol testing that is), so Broncos.

Knights v Rabbitohs
So after their karma sutra group sex warm-up, the Rabbitohs were all over the Storm – and they weren’t playing badly either. But they peaked early (typical) and the Storm were able to last the distance and win the game. Rather than focusing on who’s on top (no, What’s on top, Who’s on second) Rabbitohs should have been focusing on the Stormers’ wingers who pretty much had a country mile (and half a pitch) to score tries. I haven’t seen the Knights play, I hope they don’t try to dry hump the pitch before they play. Knights.

Why are there only 7 games? Are the Sea Eagles and Panthers having a week off for good behaviour? Or did they just not feel like playing this week?
Oh, and yes boys and girls, I know it's only an 80 minute game. It was a poor attempt at humour... full bottle... 90 minutes... never mind. Sigh!

MEB:

Because it's a split round due to State of Origin. No team in the history of the NRL has ever been rewarded for "good behaviour." There was a moment in 2002 when a team was "not as bad as the others" but that's about as close as we came.

Thanks for the tips, April!

Everything about this photo is just awkward

MEB:

I have not paid any attention to anything regarding AFL, not even on Sports Tonight. It's like it doesn't exist, although I am assured that they are still playing it. Maybe I need to knock out some teeth or something so I'll be more attuned to the AFL supporter.


Bombers vs Blues
These two traditional rivals (possibly) face up for what is going to be (possibly) the greatest game of AFL ever. I can't put a struck match between them. This will be a draw.



Magpies vs Dockers
The mighty Maggies up against the rather confusing Dockers. Both of these teams have the ability to catch a ball and kick it between some posts. Who could possibly pick a winner out of these two combatants? Not me. Draw.



Crows vs Swans

I've been salivating in anticipation of this game coming up. I have spent hours poring over statistics and game plans to try and figure out who might have the upper hand. After weighing up the pros and cons of each team, I have concluded that this week, they will fight out a draw.

Lions vs Demons
This is a tricky one - the Lions have that guy who kicks the ball, but the Demons will be looking for that guy who catches the ball to leave his mark on the game as well. The refs will be blowing their whistles and the crowd will be eating pies. I will be tipping a draw.


Eagles vs Hawks
Have you figured out what I'm doing yet? Yeah, I'm picking draws. This tip is no different. The feathers will fly in what can only be described as the most remarkable tied-score game of the round.


Cats vs Power
Wait. Cat Power - remember her? She was pretty good, but I'd be very wary if you were head to her concert. The Cats will look to have this one in the bag, but just watch out for a massive comeback in the bottom of the ninth from the Powers to lock up the scores. Someone will have a crack from about 70 metres out to win it on the siren, but he'll miss.


Kangaroos vs Bulldogs

This is a long round. I'm pretty sure this will be a draw. No, wait. Kangaroos. No... It will be a draw. Yep.

Saints vs Tigers

Sagittarius: Your AFL game this weekend will result in a tie, and many people will wonder why either of you bothered turning up to the game at all.

I figure "Sagittarius" is close to "Saints" (it helps if you can't read) and was the first star-sign that I thought of. Strangely, it's not even my star-sign. Well that's just weird.





Tune in again next week where I attempt to give a shit. Until then, just remember that Tipping is not just a city in China.

executive producers produce things quite executively

This film strip is apparently showing the movie '8', the much-anticipated follow up to 'Se7en.'

I do enjoy going to the "cinema" to watch a "movie". It is one of life's simple pleasures. People have been doing it for thousands of years, ever since Grug motioned to his cavemen friends to "come over and watch the wall with the man painted on it." That movie was later re-released by Kevin Costner as "The Postman." I prefer the original, myself.

Since our cave-dwelling forefathers had their cave-movie nights, the art of film has come a long way; there's movement and sound and special effects and boobs to keep us all entertained. As technology improves, movie-makers have decided to throw out scripts in order to fit in more effects - if anyone saw the latest three Star Wars films, you'll know what I mean. George Lucas took the term "special effects" and reversed it so that anything that appeared on screen that wasn't computer-generated therefore became more "special" than the other things that were. I fucking hate you, George Lucas. And thanks for pissing on Indiana Jones as well; you have officially ruined that hat forever. Why not fuck up some more great films? Dipshit.

Every movie that comes out these days has a budget that could feed lobster and Johnny Walker Blue to a large nation of starving hippopotamuses for years, yet very few of these films are actually any good. Strangely, some folk opt to "save money" on movie prices by installing in-home cinema systems in their loungerooms. I'm sure that their $8,000 TV and $12,000 surround-sound unit have paid for themselves while they sit around watching Pearl Harbour in glorious plasma-flatscreen-la-de-fucking-dah quality. If a movie needs to be loud enough to create stress fractures in your walls for you to enjoy it, you're probably too retarded to appreciate a decent film anyway.

Sorry, I think I got a bit off track there. That's unlike me.

There are a lot of dicks who decide to go to the cinema, seemingly to watch the same movie in the same session that I have decided to attend. Upon entering the cinema of choice, it is apparent that most people have left their brain in the car, so in order to minimise the collateral damage the next time you venture outside of your home-cinema complex, please remember the following guidelines:

Mister Evil Breakfast's Guide To Going To The Movies And Not Annoying The Shit Out Of Me So I Don't Fuck You Up With An Axe-Sharpened Crowbar (MEBGTGTTMANATSOOMSIDFYUWAASC).

1. Tickets
The first rule of MEBGTGTTMANATSOOMSIDFYUWAASC is not to forget to bring some cash. Hitting Hoyts for a flick didn't start out as free, and it sure as fuck isn't going to get free anytime soon. Complaining to the kid behind the counter about how expensive everything is is NOT COOL. Last time I checked, they didn't leave the pricing decisions up to the fifteen year old emos who work there. Most places these days have got everything organised - if you don't have cash, use your card. Got no funds - go for credit. No credit; go home. Don't even think about cracking out the chequebook - the kid at the counter has most likely never seen one in his life anyway. If you have no money, just piss off back to your place and watch Sea Patrol or something.
You may find that there are other people trying to buy tickets at the same time as you. This is called "a ticket queue." Don't piss and moan about the line; you're a part of the problem.

My advice:
Stand in line with a friend and annoy the piss out of those around you with your loveable larrikin antics and social observations.

2. Candy Bar
I don't like the word "candy" at all. It's so hideously All-American that I expect it to have its own sitcom and at least one spin-off special and be a guest on Rove and talk about its junior baseball career. However, going to the flicks can be hungry work - the clever devils at the cinemas have realised this and catered for it by the provision of tasty treats. These are also disturbingly expensive, but if you're willing to buy a bag of chips for $8, they're willing to sell them for $8. If you're a tight-arse like me, you will be drawn to the "Value Combos" that are on offer. Drink, popcorn, bag o' chocolates. Sounds sweet, right? But don't think that the large option is the best deal though, despite the kid at the counter telling you that the large-sized combo is only 50 cents more than the medium combo. What they're not telling you is that the medium already costs $129.50 and is the size of a zepellin anyway. You will not be able to eat it all by the end of the movie, and you cannot seriously ever consider taking it home to finish later. And besides, there are only four pieces of popcorn in the box that are actually warm. Do not mention to the popcorn-dealing-candy-bar-attendant kid how much you can buy popcorn for in the supermarket; unless you brought a microwave to the cinema, that pack of popcorn kernels was a massive seventeen cent waste. Either pay the kid for your popcorn, or head back home for some Sea Patrol.

My advice:
Plan ahead and buy some M&Ms from Woolies before you go in; you can buy an M&M factory cheaper than you can buy them at Hoyts. Better yet, get your friend to buy them and eat his.

3. Previews
As is tradition, there are small snippets, or "previews" of upcoming movies that are played before the feature film. The world is divided by the humble preview - you either love them or you hate them. Personally, I'm all for them. I like to see what's coming up so I can rag out people who bothered to see the latest piece of shit that "the producer of The Notebook" put their name to. It is also very NOT COOL to "tsk" and "nnuuuh" if there are more than three previews. If you don't like it, fuck off home and watch Sea Patrol. I'm sure the twelve thousand commercial breaks in that piece of shit will keep you entertained. I like to rate each film solely by its preview, and I'm never afraid to loudly voice my opinion on it. This can have its drawbacks if your opinion on the latest Matthew McConnaughey movie is "put a fucking shirt on, you sack of shit" and your girlfriend makes you take her to see that film two days later. Your treat.

My advice:
If you don't like previews, go and take a piss. For the amount of money that you paid for your ticket, that toilet break is worth around $900.
Be prepared for humble pie if you bag out the latest shirtless wonder's romantic comedy exploits.

4. The movie
All that waiting and popcorn tossing and it's finally here. The movie is beginning! Oh boy, this sure is exciting. Try not to clap too much; as some people scare easily and they could have a heart attack and die.

It is now officially dark - whatever foodstuffs you have brought in with you are now somewhere in your lap - now is a good chance to see just how capable you are with your hands. Sure, you may be able to unclasp a bra strap one-handed, but can you find the opening of your Maltesers while stuffing popcorn into your mouth (or if your aim is bad, your ears… or if you’re hilarious, into your friend’s ears)? It's also a time for shhhh - if you must say something, make it audible only to the person next to you, and make sure that you know that person. Sometimes some smart-arsed comments are not welcomed when whispered to strangers.

Please try to keep up with the movie. Asking plot questions is NOT COOL, because while someone is explaining it to you, things continue to roll in the movie and if that person loses track of what's going on while they're explaining the last hour to you, you're both fucked and they may hate you forever. If your mobile phone isn't off yet - do it now. If it rings, I'll track you down and beat you to death with it. Unless it's a good phone, then I'll steal it and beat you to death with mine (which is switched off/not working). If you have set your phone to "vibrate", don't answer it unless you're Jack Bauer. If there was a life and death situation that only you could handle, I doubt you'd be wasting time by seeing a fucking movie.

If you didn’t pee before you came in, you might need to have a quick slash at some stage during the film. This is not a problem – you’re missing the movie, not me. But when you come back into the cinema, please don’t be yelling, “Yo Keisha! Where the fuck you at?" and then fall down the stairs. She’s actually fairly surprised that you made it back to the right cinema at all, and was secretly hoping that you got lost and starved to death.

My advice:
If you must do something with your mouth, fill it up with popcorn and chocolate, or chew a pencil, or give out blowjobs or something. Just shut the fuck up.

5. After the movie
The credits roll and the house lights come back on; the movie as we know it is over. This is a tricky time during the movie experience – some people like to sit back and reflect on what they’ve just seen; others jump over seats in a fucking mad rush to get out and steal cigarettes from people at the bus interchange. Me, I like to play a game with whoever I’m with to try and get them to stay in the cinema with me for as long as possible. If I can be the last person out of the room, then my day has just got significantly better.

This is also a good time to become that old guy and the elf-chick from the SBS movie show and give the film a quick review. If you’re an idiot, this may backfire and you’ll probably give away that you couldn’t keep up with the plot and you wished that Adam Sandler at least had a cameo in it.

My advice:
Throw away your rubbish on your way out – cause the kids who work at the cinemas sure as fuck won’t.


That’s about it, really. If you’ve been to the late session, you may steal whatever promotional things are hanging in the foyer, including cardboard cut-outs, drink cups, popcorn boxes and David Carradine (what, too soon?). If you’ve been to an earlier session, you should think about (but ultimately resist) sneaking into another cinema to watch half a movie that you didn’t want to see in the first place, and go and grab a beer and some hot chips instead.

Please hold onto your ticket and enjoy the movie!

tipping the scales of breakfast

Apologies go out to all the awesomenauts who have been missing my brilliance and hilarity on a weekly basis. I’ve been busy and sick and dying and doing other things that haven’t involved being supersonically rad in all ways. I did learn how to ollie my skateboard though, and tomorrow I’m going to fight an octopus.

I’ll ease myself back into the high-rolling life of being a blogger by ignoring my regular paying job and doing some footy tips. I’m fairly sure the world will keep spinning without my paper shuffling and looking up episodes of Growing Pains on YouTube. The world did stop spinning briefly last week when I didn't post anything on here though.

According to some site that I just looked at to work out who’s playing whom this weekend, both AFL and NRL are having a split round. This is good news for everyone; it means I don’t have to struggle through a lot of stupid reasoning behind my tips and you don’t have to read too much shit about who I particularly hate in any particular team. Note that I didn’t say you wouldn’t have to read ANY shit about who I hate, I still hate a lot of people. But this week, I’m going to concentrate on how great the Raiders are/were.

Onto round twenty-eight billion and a half:

Bulldogs vs Panthers
In 1994, Canberra beat the Bulldogs in the Grand Final; it was an awesome game – John Lomax was suspended and Paul Osborne was brought in as his replacement as a surprise inclusion for the Raiders; Ozzie threw a couple of magic passes to set up two tries, before Big Mal snatched an intercept and beat Jarrod McCracken across the line. 1994 was a good year for Canberra. I’d say the Dogs might have just recovered from that by now and will probably beat Penrith this week.

Cowboys vs Roosters
It was 1990 when Canberra beat the Roosters 66-4 at Bruce Stadium, with Big Mal strolling through some turnstile defense on his way to five tries in that match. You should have heard the crowd go absolutely ballistic when the Chooks scored after a disgracefully obvious double-movement for their only score after being 60 points down. It was fucking beautiful. I reckon that the Cowboys will be able to shuffle in for at least half of that 1990 score without breaking sweat, and possibly without Jonathon Thurston, who will no doubt be having sex with his team-mates’ girlfriends while they’re not looking. His team-mates, I mean, not their girlfriends.

Storm vs Tigers
One of the greatest Grand Finals of all time was the 1989 clincher, when John "Chicka" Fergusson ducked, weaved and smoked his way over the line to send the game into extra time. It was a beautiful moment, especially when Ben Elias cried after missing a field goal attempt from about 15 metres out. As far as I know, Canberra are yet to beat the Storm at pretty much anything, so the ol’ Melbournites shouldn’t have much problem running over those Tigresses.

Sea Eagles vs Raiders
It was back in the hazy days of 1998 when all seemed lost for the Raiders one fateful afternoon. Manly were up by 18 points after about seven seconds. Laurie Daley was playing on one leg; after he lost the other one and his right arm had to be substituted, the crowd would have been forgiven for thinking, "I knew I should have just stayed at home, got drunk and yelled abuse at the tv instead of getting drunk here and yelling abuse at real live players who could probably crush me between their pecs." Enter the ‘Super Macs’ – Andrew MacFadden and Mark McLinden. They formed a partnership that the competition feared for about three rounds until everyone realised they really weren’t all that good after all; they were just really short. I’m fairly sure there’s some Mac in all of us, so look for Terry Campese to completely Mac it up for this game and lead Canberra to another crushing victory.

Sharks vs Broncos
"Chip and chase by Mullins… chip and chase again by Mullins – if this comes off, it’ll be a miracle – OH IT IS A MIRACLE!" Thank you, Ray Warren for the greatest piece of commentary ever. Brett Mullins and Darren Lockyer had a rivalry as to who could claim the title of greatest fullback in the history of sport – my money would be on the Mullet in his hey-day, but Locky has probably expanded his game somewhat more since then. But on that night, Lord Mullins stamped his authority on rugby league folklore by cracking a try that he attempted a few more times in the next couple of years without success – much like Billy Slater’s try from Origin a few years back. Anyway, Brissy should win this puppy fairly easily.

Really, only three games for the AFL this week? That can’t be right. But I’m not going to check another website just in case it’s wrong and I have to do more blogging. I’m not even going to bother putting up pictures of AFL stuff this week. I know, I have completely lost interest in the world.

Bombers vs Demons
I think the Demons are going shizzenhaus this year; shizzenhaus being a German word for "shithouse." It may not be, but I think if you said it at Oktoberfest then people would still know what you were talking about. Unless you’re me, of course, then no one in the world can understand a word I'm saying unless I'm attempting to buy a badge with the Puerto Rican flag on it and stick it into my pirate hat. I’m not sure what fake German beer, Puerto Rico and pirate hats has to do with AFL, but then, what does AFL do for fake German beer, Puerto Ricans and pirates? Nothing.

Did I tip yet? I couldn’t be bothered losing brain cells by re-reading what I just wrote, so go Bombers.

Swans vs Magpies
I’m pretty sure Eddie Maguire owns the Maggies, and I really don’t like that guy. Like, if he has a "typical Aussie bloke" on one of his shithouse (for the German translation, see above) game shows, he’ll always bring up which footy team they go for and bag them about it. If that guy is from New Zealand, he’ll make jokes about them having sex with sheep in a "laughable" manner. And he says "mate" way too much, it shits me to tears. Besides, he’s on at the same time as Deal or No Deal, and Andrew O’Keeffe is my bro. I’d totally get drunk and lie in gutters with him. In short, yay Swannies!

Dockers vs Cats
I saw an emo kid in the city a while back who had whiskers painted on his face. I thought he was just a bit retarded as all emos are, but now I realise that he is actually a mad keen Geelong supporter. I am yet to see anyone, emo or otherwise, dressed up as a Docker. I’m thinking of going to a school fete over the weekend and hitting up the free face-painting tent and asking for a "Docker" instead of my usual "Spider-Man" face paint. I’m pretty sure the face-painting attendant will just look confused for a bit and neither of us will be any closer to learning what a Docker actually fucking is. My spell checker doesn’t even know. My spell checker knows who Spider-Man is though. And that’s why I’m tipping the Cats; because of my love of Spider-Man face-paint and spell-check.

If you can’t grip it, don’t tip it.