You can find the perfect blend

The Neighbours bus and a mysterious floating head


Neighbours has been a mixed bag of emotions lately. I keep missing episodes, so I'm just going to fill in any gaps with random musings about the time I fed my antelope some guarana.

So... Carmella is all depressed because Marco is working too much to support her and her ex-boyfriend's baby. Poor Carmella. Did anyone else notice that when Carms was nominated for a Logie, her character disappeared from the show? Yeah. I found that weird too. She's also stealing money. From her boyfriend. Carmella is awesome. She's also afraid to give a direct profile to the camera, and will always tilt her head away from whoever she's talking to so the viewers don't see it. It's kind of off-putting, to be honest.

Bridgette, or "Didge" as she is known around the Erinsborough universe, has had a rough time of late. She was in some kind of horribly filmed car accident and couldn't walk properly for a few weeks. Then she could walk properly, and is fine and dandy. Maybe Ramsay Street is like the island on "Lost" and people recover from things really quickly. Hope so, cause she'll probably need it if she stays in the show. She's quite accident prone. See, she went to her school formal with some guy who's about 90 years old (evil guy Chris) and he tried to get jiggy with her and have the secks but she was all like "nuh uh" and did a runner. Because he was displaying Natural Man Talent, he caught up with her. Didge gave him a mighty shove (also displaying signs of NMT) and evil guy Chris fell over (Didge may have absorbed his NMT through osmosis or something) and died. I've fallen over a lot, and am still here to tell the tale. Well, the tales that I can remember, usually I'm a bit pissy when I fall over. But that's just me. Anyway, evil guy Chris lacks the ability to break falls and smacks his noggin on a rock and dies. Turns out that killing people is against the law, and the piggies come around and harass Didge about it, and her dad Steve (Steve Bastoni, who has obviously been munching pies non-stop since Police Rescue finished in 1993) is all like, "Forget about him trying to rape you, I'll just say I killed him." "Sure thing dad, you're tops." "Seriously? You're going to let me do this?" "Yeah, thanks dad. Hey, you mind if I go to the General Store and hang out with my friends?" "Um.. I'm going to jail." "Yeah. Anyway, catch you later."

Meanwhile, Didge's bruz Riley and their aunt (Imogen Bailey, who is NOT HOT AT ALL) are getting all friendly in a car. Gross. Making out with your aunt is not cool, and even less so if she's ugly. Next thing we know, Riley pisses off to Iraq to cover the war there. Turns out that the local newspaper that he works for is expanding from its circulation of fifteen and is now interested in international stories. Well, they'd better send their best journalist, cadet Riley, who has been there on and off for about two months. Sweet gig, man.

Paul Robinson, who looks a little bit like Robbie Williams will in about 30 years, is still doing the dirty on his wife, girlfriend, mistress and fiancee all at once. Turns out that's a bit naughty, and Paulie gets into a spot of trouble with the entire world. In a rare piece of acting, Paul props himself up on a bar and proceeds to knock his arse off with scotch. Enter wife Rebecca. Paulie, who's had enough booze to sober up my guarana-drenched antelopes, is off his trolley and can't quite get proper words out, but the emotions were there. Rebecca, also in a rare display of acting, fights her instincts to take him back and gives him the heave-ho. Poor Paulie.

Toadie is awesome. He's decided to adopt a child. As soon as he fills out the application form, it's accepted and the adoption agency pops a Portugese kid in an express envelope and posts him. It's that easy. No police checks, no inspections of the house, no questions as to whether Toadie will ever get rid of the goatee, nothing. The Toadster then heads out to Toys R Us and spends a trillion dollars on toys and clothes and games and some Tonka trucks. I wish Toadie adopted me. The fact that Toad is so keen about this kid probably means that trouble is brewing, and Miguel will never arrive. Poor Toadie. Anyway, that's my prediction, I might be wrong.

Then there's Toadie's housemates, married couple Dan and Chick Whose Name I Can't Remember, but is played by Simone Buchanan, from Hey, Dad! fame. Apparently the done thing in Erinsborough is to get a house, get housemates, get married, get more housemates, and then have kids. Whatever you do, don't get rid of your housemates. In fact, when your housemates get married, they should stay with you in the house. And their kids. And their kids' friends.

Anyway, Dan and Chick Whose Name I Can't Remember are trying for a baby. Well, Chick Whose Name I Can't Remember is, in any case. Trouble is, she’s on medication for bi-polar disease, no doubt in a feeble ploy to create some interest in mental health issues. So, in order to get pregnant, she gets off the meds, and then lies her tits off and tells the world and their antelopes and goats that she’s preggers. Well, everyone except her husband. I can see this ending badly for those two.

Libby, on the other hand, is trying not to be attracted to Dan, and FAILING. He’s not helping by being all mopey about his wife though. Meanwhile, Libby’s housemate, Dean Geyer of Aussie Idol fame (the South African bloke), is trying his metrosexual little balls off to get into Libby’s pants. I hate it when Neighbours brings in shithouse 'celebrities' from reality tv shows, cause they always have to skew the already shithouse storylines to incorporate the new shithouse talent. With that other bloke, Ned, he formed a band with Carl. WHAT THE FUCK? This Dean bloke, he's trying to get Rachel to join his band. Surely there are some actual actors out there that can be brought in? Anyway... Rachel, Susan and Carl’s adopted daughter, is trying to catch Dean’s eye as well, but pretending that she’s not. Rachel has just been caught doing the dirty with her Maths teacher, so Dean should probably watch out for himself. Maths is important. Stay in school, kids.

Susan and Carl continue to be the fine, upstanding citizens that they are. Kind of annoying, really. Carl especially. Fuck I hate that guy.

And now you’re as up to date as I am. You can thank me later.