Allan Bradman Border Boonie Medal Awards of Recognising Excellence from Silly Point Third Man Gully

Well, the AB Medal is over for another year. And that's a good thing, because it means we won't have to see the Rogue Traders performing again until the ARIAs, the Logies, or whenever it rains at the cricket and they use Natalie Bassingthwaite's nostrils as a cover.

Well done to Brett Lee for picking up the AB Medal for being generally tops. A big FUCK YOU to Matt Hayden for winning the One-Day Player Award, just fucking retire already, you creepy old man, and congrats to whichever idiots won the trophies that no-one cares about (State player, Young Talent, Women's award and the Lewis-Duckworth prize for most confusing selection in a sporting team, which was incidentally, once again won by Shane Watson).

Notice how Ponting's massive form slump began when I started threatening to crowbar him? Notice that he got a ton when I stopped? Yep. I have the power.




Here's a picture of Ponts (and trophy wife Rhianna) from the Awards ceremony. See how he's on the lookout for an unknown assailant with a crowbar? See the woman in the red dress behind him? That could have been me, Punter. Sleep with one eye open.

Shopping is awesome

Like a tiger. The head of Telstra is awesome too, just like me.





Dear Shopping Centre Patrons,

I'm sure you will agree with me when I say that shopping centres are awesome. You can wander around and buy things, pretend to buy things, see a movie, steal the dividers between band names in CD shops, grab a bite at the food court, throw food at people in the food court, buy a Boost Juice and look cool, try on clothes that you don't like, sit on furniture that you can't afford, try on hats, pretend you're interested in buying a giant plasma tv, talk to some guy about connecting your house to Foxtel and walk away as he's preparing the paperwork, stand outside the bank and wait for it to open since it's there to 'meet your needs', wonder if it's too late to buy rollerblades, set off all the wind-up toys at the same time, and generally annoy people. Annoying people is awesome, but only when I do it.

Something that's not awesome is when there are way too many other people who distract me from being awesome, and just make me angry. I'm not saying it's you, Shopping Centre Patron, but it just might be.

One of the scourges of our great centres, plazas, malls, arcades and boulevards are people who stop for no reason. There's nothing interesting in the shop window, there's no one talking to them, they didn't just realise that they left the stove on. Perhaps they can't walk and breathe at the same time. Sudden Stoppers beware: I am not a fan of bumping into people I don't know (unless it's during a random game of Hoppo Bumpo), and so the next person who does this to me, especially at either end of an escalator, is going to get a good punch in the back of their head. You've been warned.
And what's the dealio with escalators? They're not a ferris wheel, Patrons of the Shopping Centre. It's not a fucking ride. Just because they move doesn't mean that you have to stop. And if you're an ugly emo teenager with an ugly emo teenage boyfriend/girlfriend, a trip on the escalator does NOT mean you have permission for an ugly 15-second make-out session.

Children are also now officially banned from escalators. No, they're banned from shopping completely. They get in my way far too often. Same with old people. From now on, shopping centres have an age limit between 10 and 70. If you're not between those ages, and you decide to head into Sanity to see if the new Garth Brooks CD is out, you'd better hope I'm not there, cause there'll be fists of fury coming your way. That Garth Brooks CD is mine. All of them.

If you are a parent of a child, show them some respect and don't buy them a "I'm a 12-year old slut" t-shirt. The fact that she's wearing fuck-me-boots and already has a hole in her fishnets gives it away anyway. Why would any decent parent let their 12-year old slut walk around with "I give good head" on their t-shirt? Both of you are getting a taste of my crowbar. I'm hoping that your tastebuds are located at the back of your head, cause that's where it's going.

To avoid becoming a statistic, stick to these simple rules:

Don't piss me off by being too young, too old, too stupid, a slut or the parent of a slut.

Easy.

I hope that this letter is the first step forward to a new level of awesome in the world of shopping for all of us.

love Mister Evil Breakfast

PS. If anyone else is in the Bob the Builder truck or the Wiggles' Big Red Car when I want a ride, you're getting your arse kicked.

Here's to some guy, he's true blue...

Drinking is probably my favourite past-time. It goes well with my other hobbies of jousting on horseback, gunslinging with wombats and generally pirating around. There are several places that you could drink, but the most common (and possibly most fun) place is the humble pub, or ale house. Whichever pub you decide to visit to indulge in the consumption of the amber fluid, you will meet a few "undesirables". And here, my friends, is:

Mister Evil Breakfast's Guide to People at the Pub Who You Probably Didn't Invite (MEBGTPATPWYPDI)

The Prick Behind You

It's a busy night, and there are four or five queues at the bar. You're next in line and the person next to you collects their drinks and moves away. The guy behind you slides in next to you at the bar and orders his drinks without even acknowledging the fact that you were quite clearly next. The Prick Behind You will then order twelve cocktails and have to put it on his credit card just to piss you off.

The Fuckbrain Who Doesn't Move for You

You're carrying four schooners and two bourbons across the room, you have three shots in your pocket and a glass of wine balanced on your head. There's a guy talking to a girl (that he has no chance of scoring with) in front of you. He looks at you out of the corner of his eye but doesn't move to allow you to get past. You turn side on and try to sidle past him, gently giving him a push towards the girl he's trying to chat up. The Fuckbrain either stands his ground or moves back to unbalance you and your drinks. Beer is lost, usually directly onto your crotch. If you had a spare hand, you'd crowbar the cunt.

The Table of Imaginary Friends

It's Friday evening, and after a hard week of doing whatever it is that you do, you go out with your friends. Seems that everyone and their goat has decided to do the same. 'That's fine,' you think to your own goat. 'The more the merrier.' Checking out the pub situation, there are full tables all over the place. People are crammed everywhere, and one group has been forced to squish twelve people onto one seat. And there in the distance, is a seemingly empty table; the oasis of the crowded pub. And yes, it is a mirage. At this football-field sized table, surrounded by approximately seventy chairs is one measly gadge, sipping a Coke Zero (no ice) and reading The Da Vinci Code. He won't let you take any chairs, and won't give up his table for anything.

The Almost Made It Guy

Almost is a beautiful man. He's carrying more drinks than he can carry and has almost made it back to his table, which is always located next to yours. As he approaches his destination, he relaxes, and the frosty glasses of beer slip ever-so-slightly in his grasp. He holds tighter and the glasses slide faster through his fingers. Confused, he grips harder and increases his walking speed. The harder he holds them, the further they slip, and it becomes a race to get those four glasses back to his table before they fall to the floor. He's almost there and... nope. One goes, they all go, all over your table. He was within a metre of being a hero, now he's the Almost Made It Guy. He has to do another shout, and you have a table that will never be dry, nor rid of the stale beer smell again.

The Guy That Follows You Around

Everywhere you look, there he is. If you're in the toilet, he's there; at the bar, he'll be buying a drink; if you're outside getting a a kebab, he's deciding whether to get garlic or chilli sauce. He's at the table next to you, behind you, in front of you. If you dance, he's right there with you. He'll be there when you get money from the ATM and will be in the taxi line when it's time to go home. And he keeps staring at you the more you stare at him, probably because he thinks you're following him around as well.


Here's cheers! And watch the floor, I just dropped a glass.

I'm so going to Hollywood

After the success of the Pirates of the Carribean movies, Australia's own film industry is following the trend of making movies based on popular theme-park rides.
Coming soon:

Dodgem Cars
Greg is our loveable larrikan hero, working the dodgems as he travels around the country with the carnies. He was known as the best dodgem operator in Australia, hopping onto the back and steering people out of tricky situations whenever they got stuck in the corner. Until one day, he was having trouble with Red #4, and as he spun the wheel, he was hit unexpectedly from the side. He lost his balance and landed in an approaching car, a car holding a young mother and her daughter. As he fell, he inadvertently crushed the young girl's ice-cream. Tears were shed, ice-cream was lost, and Greg lost the nerve to tackle the dodgems again.

But with the biggest show in Narramine's history fast approaching, more carnies are required, and corrupt ride-manager Mr Bertis is forced to approach Greg to take care of the dodgems.

"It's bumper-to-bumper fun!" - some guy
"A rare insight into the carnie life - laughs, love and drama. Brilliant." - some other guy
"Wow!" - obligatory one-word review

Centrifugal

Working the Gravitron wasn't how high-school jock Keith imagined his life would turn out. The combination of bad carnival hot-dogs, pies and battered savs plus a machine that spins fast enough to reverse gravity is never a pretty one. Sick of mopping up putrid vomit, but with no other choice since the tragic (and badly filmed & often referred to flashback) car accident that took his parents' lives, he was forced to take care of his seven brothers and sisters, and often struggled to make ends meet. One night after a few too many bags of fairy floss, Keith puts the Gravitron into hyperdrive, spinning it fast enough to create a porthole into the past.

If you had the chance to start over, would you do it?

"If you liked 'The Castle', you'll love 'The Dish'!" - a confused punter
"Fascinating - the best time travel movie since Donnie Darko, but not as well acted, written or directed..." - someone who didn't really think about his review
"Abbie Cornish is charming!" - someone who mistakenly thought that Abbie Cornish was in this movie.


Haunted House

For four dollars, Cassandra didn't expect much from the Haunted House ride at the fair. Plastic skeletons, glow-in-the-dark paint and rubber spiders are hardly the thing of nightmares. Until now.
Filmed entirely on a bad mobile phone camera, this first-person perspective of a Haunted House ride will leave you shocked, confused and slightly ripped off, just like visiting a real Haunted House. Except if you see this at the movies, it will cost you $15.

"I couldn't see a thing." - Wayne (film critic)
"It had barely begun and then it was over. I don't get it. Is that seriously it?" - Dwayne (another film critic)
"It was ok, I guess. I dunno." - Shane (some kid who snuck in)

I'm gonna be famous

This one's gonna hurt. If anyone out there knows how I can somehow upload a Word Document instead of this massive amount of text... I'd be about as appreciative as one man can actually be.

Anyway, Big Brother is almost upon us. This year, you had to send in a video of yourself (done; you can download it for $8.99 onto your mobile phone) and then send in a bunch of stupid answers to a bunch of stupid questions.

Here's Mister Evil Breakfast, ready to take a million bucks from some spastic chick with big norgs... These are seriously all the questions on the application form.

Awesome.

Mister Evil Breakfast's Big Brother audition 2008


1) Your current address
**information not disclosed to MEB readers. Sorry, I have enough problems being swamped with fans, I don’t need any more people camping outside my house just to get a photo with me**

2) Your work phone number
I honestly have no idea. I only realised I had a phone yesterday.

3) Your hair colour
I have no hair. Hair is for the weak.

4) Your eye color - left eye, right eye.
I wear an eyepatch, due to my pirate nature. My other eye is black. Not really, but that would be cool.

5) Are you of Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander decent?
No.

6) Your height (cms)
250

7) Your weight (kgs)
20 kgs

8) Your shoe size (Australian)
10 ½

9) Your dress size (Australian)
Only on weekends, size 4.

10) Your bust size (cms)
My pecs are rippling.

11) Your hip measurement (cms)
What? Big enough to keep my torso from falling into my legs.

12) Your collar measurement (cms)
These questions are stupid.

13) Your chest measurement (cms)
MASSIVE.

14) Tell us in at least 300 words about your childhood. Where did you grow up? What was your family life like?
I was born a pirate, and lived in a cave for the first 7 years of my life, learning the language of ants. Although the ants weren’t pirates, they took me in and became my family. I guess it was a normal childhood, really. After I left the cave, I was a superhero on the streets of London for a time, until I became too bad-ass for my own good and had to retire before I beat myself up for being so damn awesome. I became a millionaire around age 13 by doing mime routines in elaborate street performances. Unfortunately, the good times couldn’t last and I lost all my money at the casino one night by not following the Wesley Snipes creed: Always bet on black. Stupid red. I am now no longer allowed into casinos due to the carnage that followed.

15) Describe your family life now. Has it changed since you were a child?
Not too much, although the ant’s nest is no longer around and I have no idea what happened to my millions of brothers and sisters. I am a Pokemon champion in Japan, a pop-singer in Istanbul and a frilled-neck lizard impersonator in New York. I am still a pirate though, but I also dabble in ninja fighting and astronautical adventures.

16) Do you have any brothers and sisters? Tell us about each of them (including their names and dates of birth).
Fuck, are you serious? Do you know how many eggs an ant lays? Piss off.

17) Are you adopted?
Yes, by the ants. Are you even reading this?

18) Do you have any children? If so, please list their names, and dates of birth.
Not that I’m aware of or paying child support for.

19) How would you describe the role you play in your family’s dynamics?
I was the human element in the ant way-of-life.

20) How do your parents/brothers/sisters/partner/children feel about you taking part in Big Brother?
I’m pretty sure they’d be disappointed that I lowered myself to this level. However, it would give me a chance to eat human entrails on live national television, so they’d be happy that I got to cross something else off my ‘things to do’ list.

21) How does your family describe you?
The best ever. Probably because I am made of knives and am totally awesome.

22) Who in your family are you closest to? Why?
I’d say my nunchuks are now officially a part of my family, especially after the commitment ceremony. Whenever I get into trouble, they’re there for me.

23) Who in your family do you not get on with? Why?
I had a falling out with Trevor, and pushed him into a giant pit of scorpions and lepers. He touched my violin. He knew not to touch my violin, as I had written a note on it saying ‘Do not touch this violin, Trevor, or I’ll fucking kill you.’ He knew I was serious, too, cause the note was written in my sister’s blood, as she was the last person to touch it as well.

24) Name three things you could not do without in the house and why.
1. My pirate hat. It’s a part of me. Quite literally. I had it surgically attached for Christmas.
2. A pogo stick. I’ve never used one, but I think I’d quite enjoy it.
3. My fairy wings. Just so someone can say, “Nice fairy wings!” and then I can stab them with the couch.

25) What are your best qualities?
All of them. Even my bad qualities are good.

26) Tell us about any bad habits you have (be honest!)
I tend to make people nervous by staring at them and mouthing “I will kill you.” I swear, it’s not intentional. It’s more of a subconscious habit now. I also have a penchant for killing people. And I bite my nails.

27) What habits and behaviour do you find most annoying in others?
All of them. They don’t have those habits for long after I meet them. Being torn in half by me is a good way to stop annoying behavioural patterns.

28) Do you have any phobias? What?
I don’t like spiders. Or Reese Witherspoon. You know that scene in Cruel Intentions where she pulls faces at Ryan Phillippe? Definitely the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.

29) What three things frustrate you most about every day life?
i My crowbar is heavy.
ii. That guy.
iii. Answering 123 questions for no apparent reason.

30) What is your biggest achievement?
If I get to the end of this questionnaire, it will be that. Otherwise, probably foiling the bank robbery of ’93.

31) What are your life ambitions?
To cross all the names off my crowbar list. Unfortunately, it keeps growing.

32) What is your most prized possession and why? Who gave it to you or did you buy it yourself?
My mighty Viking axe that was given to me by the Norse god, Oden. Nice bloke, very dry sense of humour. I like it because I can pretty much cut people in half just by thinking about swinging it at them, and then swinging it at them.

33) What style of music would you say is your favourite?
Pirate metal.

34) What sort of music do you listen to when you’re down?
Pirate metal.

35) What sort of music do you listen to when you’re feeling up?
Pirate metal. These questions are fucking stupid.

36) Name your favourite football team.
The might of the bloody Canberra Raiders

37) List your three favourite films or actors. Any special reason?
1. Orlando Bloom – I would like to hit him with a crowbar. There’s no way that anyone can be that good looking and that bad an actor. He is not human, and I’d like to kill a cyborg for a change.
2. That guy who was in that other movie with that bloke – I love his stuff. Very versatile.
3. Someone else.

38) List your three favorite books or authors. Any special reason?
a. Any Mr Men book. They inspire me.
b. The 2015 Sports Almanac.
c. Hustler. Boobs.

39) Tell us in at least 200 words about a topic you know more about than anyone else.
I could, but it would probably blow your mind.
And no-one really wants to hear about the day I found a human head.

40) In your quietest moments, what do you think or dream about?
Kittens. Just kidding. Murder.

41) What does happiness mean to you? What makes you happy?
Happiness is a bottle of wine and a fine cigar, followed by a good old fashioned pirate dance on a Viking ship.
Eating corn on the cob is also good.

42) What famous person do you admire most and why?
Myself. Having a blog that is read by at least three people makes me the most famous person ever. I also admire myself because I’m doing this questionnaire.

43) Who would you have dinner with and why? – Nicole Kidman, Ben Cousins or Britney Spears?
Nicole Kidman, just so I could try to get her to eat something. Also because she’s teetering on the edge of being on my crowbar list, and I’d like to be able to make up my mind about her.

44) What makes you sad?
When I hear about pelicans who get lost in the snow.

45) What makes you angry?
When I run out of Pirate Juice and a bunch of pirates rock up to my house and are all like, “Hey man, where’s your Pirate Juice?” and everyone laughs at me.

46) How do you generally manage your anger?
Crowbars and setting things on fire. Also, a cup of Milo.

47) What techniques do you employ to best manage stress in your life?
See above. Stop asking me stupid questions.

48) Which historical or mythical figure do you think you are most like? Why?
I can’t make up my mind; either Spider-man or my next-door neighbour. Spider-man because I’m the best, and my next-door neighbour because his house is close to mine.

49) Have you ever had to share a bedroom? When? Tell us anything you found uncomfortable about it.
I used to share a bedroom with a battle droid. That got a bit uncomfortable at times, particularly during blizzards, which occurred every seventeen seconds.

50) How do you really feel about being filmed 24 hours a day? In at least 100 words, tell us about any aspects of it you are uncomfortable about?
I don’t mind at all, because no one will watch this rubbish anyway. Is that 100 words? No? Too bad.

51) How do you feel about the possibility of being seen naked by viewers on in intimate situations?
People should be more scared about seeing me naked than anything. Your legs could melt just by the thought of seeing me with no clothes on.

52) Tell us in at least 200 words how you feel about having no contact with the outside world for approximately 3 months? This includes having NO access to TV, newspapers, radio, CD, computer or mobile phone.
No.

53) Who do you live with and what’s your relationship to them? How long have you lived there?
I live alone, simply so I don’t have to explain anything to anyone when I bring a new corpse into the house.

54) Tell us how you spend your days. If you work tell us about your job; if you’re a student tell us how you spend your time etc.
I spend most of my day hanging upside down in a pool of toffee. I like to go ice-skating and roll down hills. I am also learning how to knit.

55) If you aren’t doing your dream job - what would it be?
I’d like to be a rhino. Rhinos are cool. That would be a good job to have, being a rhino.

56) What sort of sport or exercise do you enjoy? How regularly do you do it?
I am the current truck-throwing champion of the world. Beat that.

57) How do you spend your leisure time?
I think I’ve answered this before, haven’t I? Something about toffee and knitting or something. Oh, and swearing at people.

58) Do you play a musical instrument? If so what?
You missed a comma. It should have read: “If so, what?” Idiot.

59) Are you a member of any clubs or associations? Please specify.
I am Leader of the World. I think that should count for something.

60) Do you have any hidden talents or unusual hobbies or interests?
I have many, but they’re not hidden, since I have them all tattooed across my face.

61) How do your friends describe you?
They’re too scared to talk about me in case I don’t like what I’m hearing and break out the chainsaw. I love that chainsaw.

62) How would you best describe three of your closest friends?
1. Lice.
2. Exonerated.
3. Purple.

63) Have you ever fallen out with friends? Why?
Possibly, but only one of us is alive to talk about it.

64) Tell us about a recent example of a person you have found hard to get along with. Why did you not like them? Why did your personalities clash?
Some idiot wrote a questionnaire to get onto Big Brother. I didn’t like that person, especially after I thought, “This would make a funny thing to write.” I don’t like you. You’d better start running.

65) Have ever won a prize? What for?
I win everything. At everything. Even things I didn’t enter. I’ll probably win Big Brother, even though I’m not going on it. I won it last year, too.

66) Tell us about your relationship history, the different people you have had relationships with and whether you are still in contact with them. What was their (full) name?
I have a potato.

67) Are you happy with your current relationship, or lack of it? How did it happen?
I eat tomatoes like apples.

68) What was your most significant relationship? What happened?
Once I ate a kilo of grapes in one sitting.

69) Have you ever had your heart broken? What happened and when?
I separated an egg. I can’t remember why.

70) Is there anyone you once loved (your first love perhaps) and are still not over?
I did love a TV show called “Last Standing”, but it only lasted about 4 episodes. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. It was really good.

71) If you are divorced, what is the name of your ex-partner?
Penelope.

72) Are you usually the dumper or the dumpee? What happens and why do you think that is?
I would liken myself more to a coat… oh, dumper. I thought it said Jumper.

73) What is the worst way you have dumped someone, or been dumped?
Probably when I formed “You’re dumped” in the sky using specially trained pigeons and a glue that holds things in the air.

74) Describe your ideal relationship.
FUCK THIS IS BORING.

75) If you could start all over, what would you like to change in your life?
Not start this questionnaire.

76) What do you expect from the future? Where would you like to be in ten years?
Hopefully I’ll have finished filling this piece of shit out. The future will be a lot like now, but with more flying cars.

77) While you’re in the house, it’s likely that ex-lovers, former friends etc, may come forward to tell the world what you’re ‘really’ like - how do you feel about this? Can you guess who might spill the beans?
They know what will happen to them if they do.

78) Have you ever used recreational drugs? What? With what frequency and when was the last time? (Please note you will be drug tested prior to going into the House).
Only those which I grow, process and sell myself.

79) Have you ever been to a funeral? Tell us about it, including who it was and how they died.
This is probably the worst question on here, and that’s saying something.

80) Do you smoke?
Only after sex. I’m a pack-a-day man.

81) If you do smoke, how many a day?
I should have read the next question before answering the last one.

82) What is your sexual preference? M/ F/ Both
Mineral.

83) How much do you have in your bank account?
I have a small jar with a cookie and a plastic spoon in it. That’ll do me.

84) What religion are you?
Breakfast.

85) Please provide contact details for someone you work with. Make sure you get their consent first. (Friend contact)
I work with Leroy, my pirate buddy. He's not an astronaut though. I am.

86) Please provide contact details for your mother. Make sure you get her consent first. (Family contact)
Please provide contact details for YOUR mother. Yeah.

87) Please provide contact details for your father. Make sure you get his consent first. (Family contact)
He didn't give me his consent. I'm pretty sure he'd punch your face inside-out if you tried to call him though.

88) Please provide contact details for your best friend. Make sure you get his/her consent first. (Friend contact)
My best friend is a worm called Elvis. It's hard to reach him, due to him being: A) a worm, B) Elvis, and C) a ninja.

89) Please provide contact details for a relative other than your parents or brothers and sisters. Make sure you get his/her consent first. (Family contact)
I have gone for three days without sleep.

90) Please provide contact details for a second good friend. Make sure you get his/her consent first. (Friend contact)
How come so many kids have allergies these days? In my day, if we got sick, it got back-handed out of you.

91) Please provide contact details for a third good friend. Make sure you get his/her consent first. (Friend contact)
No. How many friends do you people need anyway?

92) Please provide contact details for three former partners - (husband; wife; girlfriend; boyfriend) resident in Australia. Make sure you get their consent first.
Porridge is a funny thing, isn't it? The word comes from the sound it makes when it falls off your spoon in slow-motion.

93) Between the months of April to August is there anything in your daily routine (ie feeding your dog/cat/animal, caring for a family member, work etc), that would preclude you from being part of Big Brother?
Could you please protect the world from super-villains? And feed my fish. And find me a job, and do that job to a satisfactory level until I return. I may get you fired though, so don’t get too comfy.

94) Please provide the following details for your present/most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
I am self-employed as a pirate.

95) Please provide the following details for your second most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
I was a travelling minstrel, selling poems to ponds and writing on the seeds of a dandelion. Also, I was stoned. Really, really stoned.

96) Please provide the following details for your third most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
Body double for Daniel Day-Lewis’ left foot in the movie “Last of the Mohicans”.

97) Are you happy to undergo a psychological test? (This is a pre-condition to participation in the series)
Another one? Man…

98) Are you happy to undergo a medical test? (This is a pre-condition to participation in the series)
Sure, but I am part machine, you should probably know that now.

99) Have you ever been treated for, or had any serious illnesses? If yes, please give details including dates.
I am disease and pestilence.

100) Have you ever been treated for any psychological/psychiatric problems? If yes, please give details including dates.
Have I? You should see my file (you can’t, by the way).

101) List any medication you have been prescribed or taken over the last six months.
All of them. At once.

102) Are there any medications you will continue taking, or anticipate taking over the next six months?
Hopefully the antidote to all the ones I took previously.

103) Have you ever been diagnosed with alcoholism or any other drug-related addiction? If so, please provide details including how long you have been in recovery.
I’m drinking a schooner of heroin right now.

104) Do you have any food allergies or special dietary requirements?
I will eat anything, including human flesh, barbed wire and tofu.

105) Do you suffer from regular pain in any way, for example headaches or period pain? If so, how do you overcome the pain?
Period pain. Strangely, except for when I am having my period.

106) Have you ever had an operation? Why? When?
I once had an operation to insert a CD player into my chest, so I could play theme music as I kicked ass everywhere. But now I just get an orchestra to follow me around.

107) Have you ever been charged with a criminal offence? If so, please give details of the offence you were charged with and the dates of charge/s. What was the outcome?
Probably. I get into a lot of trouble and wake up with no memory and bloody hands. It can be a bit embarrassing.

108) Have you ever been convicted of a crime? If so, please give details including dates of conviction. You are not required to answer this question if your conviction is a spent conviction.
I did spend some time in jail, but I rolled a double three and got out.

109) Have you ever had a restraining order (such as an apprehended or personal violence order) issued against you? If so, please give details including dates the order was made.
I sure have. It’s framed and hanging on my wall.

110) Are you currently on bail or probation or are there any outstanding criminal or civil actions being taken against you? If so, please give details including the dates when you think you might be required to attend at court.
Yep.

111) Are you presently affected by or a party to any court proceedings which are not covered by the questions above (for example, any matter in the family law courts such as divorce or custody proceedings, driving convictions, proceedings for debt recovery or other non-criminal matters)? If so, please give details including dates when you think you might be required to attend at court.
What’s your favourite colour? I like blue.

112) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Decriminalise drugs? Yes /No /Don’t care.
Thank you for acknowledging me. Yes. Drugs are now mandatory.

113) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Castrate Paedophiles? Yes /No /Don’t care
Sure, castrate everyone. Except me.

114) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Legalise gay marriages? Yes /No /Don’t care
I won’t only legalise gay marriages, it will be illegal to not be gay. Except for me.

115) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Lower the age of sexual consent? Yes /No /Don’t care
It won’t matter, everyone’s castrated and gay.

116) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Reduce immigration into Australia? Yes /No /Don’t care
Immigrants are welcome, but only if they’re hot.

117) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Reintroduce capital punishment? Yes /No /Don’t care
Sure, if I can be the guy with the axe.

118) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Abolish the dole? Yes /No /Don’t care
Absolutely. However, people will be paid on the level of their awesomeness, as decided by me. Their new job will be to be awesome.

119) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Declare a republic and commission a new flag? Yes /No /Don’t care
Only if I get to draw the flag and can change it whenever I want, which will be most of the time.

120) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Ban schoolies week? Yes /No /Don’t care
It would be a year-long event and an over-18s gig only. The school kids can go back down the mines.

121) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Make Shane Warne the Minister of Communications? Yes /No /Don’t care
There’s be no Ministers for anything. Everyone would be too drunk, the only thing I need to worry about is those kids in the mine, and if they’re hauling enough coal back up here for us to live on. Warnie can buy me a beer though.

122) May we use your first name in press communications?
If I had one, you could.

123) I hereby agree that I have answered these questions to the best of my knowledge.
100%, tiger.

Ads that need punching

I'd like to write a snappy intro for this entry, but I think the title sums things up quite nicely.

I don't understand how some ads are ever produced, or what possessed someone to think that whatever angle they were looking for was deemed funny, witty, unique or clever.

I've gone through about a thOUsand tv's in the past week due to punching the crap out of the screen in a Viking-like fury because of these ads. But it's been fun, and isn't that the main point?

AAMI

Why do all AAMI ads suddenly suck? Maybe they always have, and I just haven't realised. The current one that shits me is with the chick who is trying on rings in the jewellery shop, who just happens to have brought along a CD player with the Wedding March on it (or whatever it is, you know the one: Da na na na, da na na na, da na na na na na nananananana). She's after her boyfriend, Todd, to propose to her. What if poor Toddy can't afford it? Have no fear, it's AAMI to the rescue. By insuring your car with AAMI, you can save $230 or so.

Per year.

What a fucking crock of shit.

This chick would be SO pissed off if Todd gets down on one knee, looks into her eyes and opens that little velvet box to reveal... a $230 ring. She'd laugh at him and possibly kick him somewhere soft and precious. It's ok Todd, you won't be using them again anytime soon. That chick shits me.

Dominos Pizza

Dominos Pizza's latest advertising campaign is for their "all the way to the edge" pizza. For an extra $1, you get your pizza topping "all the way to the edge". No crust. So what exactly are you supposed to hold onto while you're eating this pizza? I'd rather be holding the crust than be elbow deep in grease and cheese, but maybe that's just me. And exactly how much extra topping would that account for? My guess is less than $1, considering there's about 30 cents worth on the rest of it.

While I'm talking about pizzas, why the hell is chicken on a pizza an extra $200 surcharge? Is there a sudden chicken crisis that I haven't heard about? Are their numbers dwindling? Not according to the Colonel, my friend. Not according to the Colonel. If I insure my car with AAMI, maybe I can afford three scraps of chook on my next Dominos special.

Coke

I'm not a fan of that Coke ("We're all in this together") ad either, and not only because that friggin song gets stuck in my head for months (and replaces the Prime Possum jingle), but because of the sickly sweet people featured in the commercial. The ad opens with an emo kid walking out of a shop and sitting next to a granny at a bus stop. The granny, seeing the smelly emo and deciding she wants nothing to do with his suicide attempt, stands to walk away. Emo offers her his Coke. She takes it, smiles and makes a new life-long friend.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

1. Apparently, the emo went into the shop just to buy a Coke to give it to the old duck. Normal people don't do this, so emos definitely wouldn't. I love the word 'emo'.
2. People, young or old, would never take anything handed to them by an emo.
3. An emo would never buy a Coke. Coke isn't black enough for them.

Coke ads have gone to shit, really. The one where everyone's dancing like they're tripping on acid sucks as well. Stupid Coke.

Anything with Ricky Ponting

Ricky Ponting annoys me at the best of times, but his latest forage into whoredom really tips me over the edge (or possibly "all the way to the edge" for another dollar). He's advertising "Swisse Multivitamins" or something equally as stupid, by comparing a typical day in the Ponting household as being a tough little work out. We see him sweeping the patio, throwing an apple core into the bin and putting some washing in the machine. SLOW DOWN, PONTS!!11!! You might hurt yourself there, tiger. Oh wait, you're taking vitamins. Well that's ok then. You might even be up to wiping down a countertop in the afternoon.

The worst thing about this ad (and pretty much every ad produced during Summer), is the use of terrible cricketing cliches, for which they seem quite proud of themselves.
Advertising Genius #1: "Hey lads, I think I've come up with a new angle for this vacuum cleaner ad - we could use a cricket player, and he can use some cricket-related buzzwords."
Advertising Genius #2: "That's brilliant. But didn't we do that last year?"
Advertising Genius #1: "Well yes, but last year we used Lleyton Hewitt and got him to use tennis-related buzzwords."
Advertising Genius #2: "Who?"
Advertising Genius #1: "Lleyton Hewitt. He's married to that chick who used to be in Home and Away."
Advertising Genius #2: "Oh yeah. I remember him. Worst campaign ever. All he did was yell 'c'mon!', something about dirt 'not being serious', and a rubbish line about 'jumping a net'. Are you sure this cricket one will work?"
Advertising Genius #1: "I guarantee it. Cricket and vacuums go together like a chicken surcharge on a pizza."

Without any further adieu, I present Mister Evil Breakfast's typical ad for a vacuum cleaner starring current Test captain (not for much longer) Ricky "Sellout" Ponting:

Ricky "I SUCK!" Ponting: "Sometimes finding time to play with my kids is like playing Warnie on a 5th day SCG pitch. Impossible, especially for me. But with the new Hoover Deluxe vacuum, I'm never 'out' of time. With increased suction power, it 'hits dirt for six' and is so powerful it can even suck up 'lost Ashes from 2005'. These vacuums will be going quicker than a Brett Lee yorker, so get into your nearest Hoover dealer before they 'run out'. You'll be 'stumped' by the price! Howzat!" Throw in a few shots of Ponts getting outplayed in the backyard by his 4-year old daughter, pretending that he doesn't earn $5 million a year and actually does some vacuuming and that's a wrap.

Ponting is also crap in his slot on the Valvoline ad. I smash my television every time that ad comes on. He should stick to licking windows and stop pissing me off so much.

FUCK IT. Ponting, you've made my crowbar list. AAAAAARGH!



Welcome to the list, Mr Ponting.