bing

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

i planted a seed. i feel seedy

I think it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

War. Hwah! What is it good for?

If I was in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, I'd throw a small pumpkin. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, I'd throw a real grenade at them.

mookalokulahey

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

man of what?

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist", because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, what if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" I'd just look at it with my X-ray vision and say, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" And I'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

I know what I like

I was at an art museum when this girl asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet. I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

i'd rather chew my leg off

If you were travelling back through time, and eating corn on the cob at the same time, I don't think it would make much difference. My point is: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it?

somebody kill me please...

If I was being executed by lethal injection, I'd clean up my cell really neat. Then when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection." Then maybe they might end up feeling bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

good luck, mr gorsky...

There should be a detective show called 'Johnny Monkey'. That way every week a criminal could say, "I ain't gonna get caught by no monkey," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.

shoo wap bop

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

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when i see an old lady fall over, my first impression is to laugh.

but then i imagine myself as an ant, and what if she fell on me?
that would make me sad.

So beautiful...

What is the most beautiful thing you've ever ever seen? To me, it was on the weekend, when a beautiful flamingo flew through the beautiful sky, crossing the beautiful sunset. The beautiful flamingo had a beautiful rose in its beak, and carried a beautiful painting in its claws. Also, I was drunk.