lacking a punchline

I walked through a door today and there was someone just a few steps behind me, so I thought, "I will be a good bloke and hold the door open for them as well," and so I did and then there was a person a few steps behind them, so I thought, "I'm here now, I might as well keep the door open for them, too," so I did and then there was this group of people that walked through the door so I thought, "I can't drop this door on a group of people (even though it would be funny)," so I held it open for them as well. I'm not saying that it was the worst three hours of my life, but it wasn't how I really wanted to spend my day.

Check the freezer

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money I'd just laugh and search with them.

I learned something today

RAS syndrome (Redundant Acronym Syndrome) refers to initialisms and acronyms where the last letter is also repeated in the description, such as ATM machine, PIN number, and RAS syndrome.

It's Friday!

For a great night out with your friends, you should head to the pub for a drink. Once everyone has satiated their thirst, leave the bar and walk twenty metres down the street, then stop to try to figure out what everyone wants to do next, then walk another twenty metres before stopping to discuss it again, then repeat three to six more times until everyone becomes annoyed and just goes home.

angry pants

You know how when you're eating a sandwich at work, and some dickhead at your office comes up to you and says, "Hey, having lunch?" And you just kind of nod at the guy and acknowledge your sandwich, but really you're trying to think of a way that you can kill him with a ham and cheese on linseed bread without losing the pickle? Yeah. I hate that.

puff

“Put that in your pipe and smoke it!” said the tobacco instruction writer.

back to school

The other day, I saw unsharpened pencils for sale. I thought, “There’s no point in that.”

i've got that "not so fresh" feeling

“I feel a little crook,” said the blind man when he met the midget shepherd.

A rose by many other names

If I have twins, I'm going to name them Charles. If I have one kid, I'm going to name him Charle. Like Charles, but singular.

Ten minutes to quarter past four

“I don’t have time for this,” said the unsuccessful clock maker.

How Can The World Be Real If Your Eyes Aren't Real?

Jaden Smith always looks like he’s trying to read a menu that’s too far away.

on the rocks

There’s always one ice-cube in the tray that doesn’t come out with the others. That’s God’s ice cube. Leave it for His scotch.

morning ritual

There’s nothing as satisfying as having a shower, cupping your hands together to catch the water and then dropping it against the tiled floor. Fuck it, of course there’s more satisfying things to do, but none of them you can do in the shower. Most of them you can do in the shower, actually. Never mind.

doors are hard

I tried to be nice and polite today so I held the door open for someone and allowed them to go through first but the door was one of those ones that opened away from me and I for some reason I used my left arm so I was reaching across the doorway trying to keep the door open as the person I was holding it for had to duck under my arm and try not to awkwardly rub up against my crotch but they still did anyway and it was the best day of my life.

makes sense to me

My mum has a collection of fine china. She doesn’t appreciate it when I call it “the Chinese in the cupboard.” I think she’s racist.

cowabunga

I've been trying to work on a joke about pizza, but it's really cheesey and the delivery is terrible.

how are these fucking things so fucking twisted?

I find it ironic that the inventor of Christmas lights hated Christmas so much that he wants everyone who purchases his product to hate it too.

snom snom something's wrong

Sometimes when I’m eating, I find that there's gravy or sauce or something halfway down my fork. How the fuck did that happen? Then all of a sudden, it’s on my hands, in my hair and on everything I’ve ever known.

jousting sticks

I bet when the medieval period finished, there was one guy who didn’t get told and still turned up to work in his suit of armour the next day.

My problem with clocks

Clocks are great, but I think more thought needed to go into the naming of its bits. Is the "second hand" the one that comes after the first hand, or is it the one that counts the seconds? Pisses me off, man. Fucking clocks.