guess who's back, back again...

If you were blind, I don't think the worst thing would be not being able to watch tv or read books. The worst thing would be that you couldn't see if there was a bug in your food.

i'm coming home soon...

If the world was going to end tomorrow, I wouldn't stay out all night, I think I'd like to go to bed early. Because if it didn't end after all, everyone else would be tired and grumpy, and I'd be quite chipper and would probably be first in line for the bus.

There's a burger at McDonalds in Spain called Crispy McBacon. I have photos to prove it

Sometimes the world seems totally unfair. Like, when you've just stolen someone's bags, their money and all of their belongings, and all of the clothes in the bag are the wrong size.

When the saints go marching in...

In the future, if there are moving footpaths everywhere, I think it would be a good idea to still adopt a walking stance, so we don't scare the dogs.

Don't cry, Nige...

Whenever I feel depressed, I think of my friend Frank. He was born without arms, legs, sight, hearing, touch, taste, good looks or a decent personality. But he keeps smiling through life, never taking a backwards step. But Frank is just a rock that I keep in a jar, so I guess that life is pretty fucking easy for him anyway. Fuck you, Frank, you bastard.

leaving on a jet plane...

Dear Followers of the Evil Breakfast Blog,

It is with a heavy bag that I depart the shores of Lake Burley Griffin and hit the UK, which I am told is quite similar to Canberra in all regards. As a result, this blog probably won't be updated too frequently over the next two months or so, as I am told that the internet (and electricity, come to think of it) hasn't quite made its way over there yet.

So I hope that you'll keep checking back in the rare hope that my carrier pigeon and monkey slaves co-operate to bring you a new, exciting installment very soon.

Until then...

Keep on stickin'!

Mister Evil Breakfast

Look like birds, swim like fish, can't use a remote control (no thumbs)

I think if penguins ever try to take over earth, it will be easy to defeat them. Just trap them in your fridge. Even though they will be comfortable with the temperature, I think they lack the physical strength to push open the door, unless your seals are loose. That, and they're scared of the dark.

i met wayne gardiner in san diego

Tony's body was being pounded by the relentless waves of the Atlantic Ocean. His ship had gone down two days ago, and he had not rested since. He urged his exhausted body to keep moving, less he freeze to death. Starved of food and sleep, and being battered by the elements had taken its toll. His spirit was flagging - he had lost all hope of rescue. After all, he was an ant, clinging to a chilli, and was unlikely to be seen from the air.

tell me why i don't like mondays

The weekend felt longer than usual. Maybe it was because of my long walk down the long road. Or maybe it was the long boat trip I'd taken down the long river. It could have been the long bike ride I'd done through the long valley. As I sank further into the quicksand, I decided it was probably the walking.

i tried...

Here's a tip for you: Cans of Sprite will not adequately perform inside a car engine, no matter how well they fit. The world's most refreshing drink is no match for a dropped cylinder.

do what you wanna do, be what you wanna be. yeah.

Fame is a fleeting thing, like a sandwich filled with cottage cheese and tomato. At first it tastes good, then it tastes like dirt. Then it's gone, and you're still hungry. Just like fame, especially if you're famous for eating dirt sandwiches, like my friend is.

somebody bring me some water...

If I was a pirate, and one of my hands was cut off, I don't think I'd replace it with a hook. There would be too much risk involved in putting on your underpants.

cheers to 40 minutes of non-stop rock, the no repeat workday and the best music from the 80s, 90s and today

At first I thought that I was being consumed by guilt. But then I looked down and realised that it was more likely to be the anaconda around my waist.

yes, quite...

I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I don't have any clean clothes. Because let's face it, who wants to do washing on the last day of their life?

sing, sing, sing me a song...

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression that I am trying to convey with my store. On the other hand, I would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

come on, let's driiiiive...

Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.

money money money... must be funny...

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

arrrr!

If you were a pirate, you know what would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?

girls like that, girls like that won't go for guys like us...

I bet it would be almost impossible to get a root if you had the plague.

lucy in the sky with diamonds...

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a good way to get everyone to relax would be to pretend you were swimming.