NRL 2015 - Round 12: When Too Much Football is Probably Too Much

What the fuck happened last week?  Teams that were decimated by Origin absentees went on to win, teams that have been running shit hot for weeks looked shit house, and once again, NRL tipping geniuses like myself were left looking stupid.  But handsome.  So devilishly handsome.

What did everyone think of Origin?  I thought it was actually a bit average.  NSW looked absolutely shot in the second half, and I thought QLD should have put it right up them.  I wish I could say that the Blues defended like fucking madmen against wave after wave of relentless Maroon attack, but I’d be a big, fat liar.  The Queenslanders looked like they were just expecting the gaps to appear in the defensive line – there was very little for the NSW boys to do, other than just tackle the bloke in front of them.  So full credit to NSW for sticking to their defensive guns, full credit to QLD for winning the game, but I’m not sure that either team dug deep enough and gave the maximum 110% on this occasion.

For the next game, NSW should get the fuck rid of Hodkinson – the guy is a fucking joke, and to be included among the best players in Australia is an absolute kick in the dick to every other player in the NRL, and probably a few supporters and at least one blogger as well.  Bring in Adam Reynolds or Jamie Soward.  Maybe give Blake Austin a crack.  Or the bloke without legs from the ad on TV. 

They should also find a replacement for Jennings, who seemed to be having a contest with Trent Hodkinson as to who could be least involved in the game.  I think Jennings might have JUST snuck in a win in that department, as at least Hodko managed to fuck up a kick into touch, narrowly missing the grandstand by about half a field.  

I’d also piss Farah off, but I probably would have done that well before now.  Ennis has been carving it up this year, which I really hate to say, but he is probably the form hooker at the moment.  Heh.  Hooker.

QLD should also drop Inglis and hope that it fires him up.  The guy is a marshmallow at the moment.  It doesn’t really matter who else they bring in; it would be a definite improvement. 

Anyway, moving onto the weekend’s games… and what the fuck is going on with the draw?  Last week we had four games, this week we have seven.  What’s the deal with two teams having a bye?  HOW DOES THIS WORK?

Round 12:

Penrith vs Parramatta

This is officially the last roll of the dice for Parra to do anything this year.  If they fail to impress this week, they are royally fucked for the season and may not win again this year.  Statistically speaking, the last time Parramatta managed to direct the ball through the big sticks in the middle of the field (i.e. kick a goal), was at the 30 minute mark in the Round 9 game against the Melbourne Storm.  Since then, they have failed to kick one.  No penalties, no conversions. That's 215 minutes (including 5 mins of extra time against the Warriors) of football without a goal.  I don’t know whether to be impressed or not.

Titans vs Rabbitohs

Hopefully the Rabbits wake up this week and get back to playing some decent footy; they’ve been shithouse lately.  And if there’s a team in the comp who can play their opposition into a bit of form, I think the Titans can probably do it.    

Raiders vs Broncos

Sigh.  It hurts to do it, but my tip is going for the Horses this week.  God knows what last week’s Canberra/Bulldogs game was all about – after the dour struggle that was the rest of the weekend’s games, it was probably for the good of the sport that about 90 points were scored.  Normally if you knock up 34 points, you’d expect to win.  The Raiders are special like that.  I think the Broncos earned some respect last week with their win over the Knights without about 70 of their Origin stars, plus Corey Parker.  I reckon they might just do it again.  Sorry Raiders.

Cowboys vs Manly

I almost tipped an upset in this game, then I realised that I’d be tipping Manly and felt so very, very dirty.  Hopefully the six minutes of Origin that Mick Morgan experienced won’t have tired him out too much, as he’s got a big ol’ team of Sea Eagles to destroy.

Warriors vs Knights

Gotta tip someone, might as well pick the team without Gidley in it.  Always tip against Gidley.  I’m pretty sure that was in the Bible somewhere.    

St George vs Cronulla

The Dragons are apparently playing some good footy at the moment.  I say “apparently” because I haven’t actually noticed.  I didn’t even realise that they still had a team. 

Roosters vs Storm

Gotta tip someone, right?  I picked the Storm as I think following Origin, it proved that a lot of the Melbourne Maroons players are actually in decent form - Cronk's kicking game is back on track, Smith is running from dummy half more, and Slater's grubbiness is back in full force.   

You feel like you're really a part of the game

State of Origin 2015 Drinking Game

Tonight, pride and passion are put on the line.  Friendship and loyalties are forgotten as a battle for a place in history begins.  Men enter the field and leave as warriors.  Legends are created.  It’s a time when athletes transcend the sport and become myth. 

Or, you know, a couple of dickheads turn up to play a game of football, and it gets hyped to the point that it’s just fucking ridiculous.

In order to keep a lid on things, let’s grab a slab and make what could very well be a dour game just a bit more interesting.  Pretend you’re Josh Dugan and join the Mister Evil Breakfast State of Origin Drinking Game (otherwise known as ‘MEBSOODG’, which is actually an ancient Scandinavian drinking proverb, roughly translated to “do something with the fucking ball, Pearce, you fucking useless shit.”)!

Let’s start things off easy.  Take one sip:

• Every time a team scores a try. 
• When Origin is described as “the greatest rivalry in sport.”
• Each time Sportsbet.com.au is brought up.  
• For each Mitchell Pearce fuck-up (dropped ball, kicked out on the full, knock-on).  This could get messy.
• When Trent Hodkinson passes to a player who was not expecting it.
• When the commentators call him “Hodgkinson.”
• If Greg Inglis’ name is yelled for no apparent reason (i.e. “Here come the Queensland players, led by Cameron Smith.  Following him is Darius Boyd and GREG INGLIS!  Also, Jonathan Thurston.”)
• If someone is described as, or mentions being “an underdog.”
• If Sam Thaiday is clearly the third man into a tackle.
• If Jonathan Thurston elbows someone in the throat during a tackle.
• If Aaron Woods takes a hit-up and turns it into an ineffective wander to the line.
• Whenever a team opts for a penalty kick instead of going for the try.
•  Justin Hodges runs from dummy half.
•  Cam Smith, Thurston or Robbie Farah throws it blatantly forward.
• If Farah attempts to pass but drops the ball clean.
• A leg cramp in the last four minutes.
• The use of the word “debutante.”

Take it up a notch and have two sips:

• Whenever the commentator mentions “[player’s name] is built for Origin.”
• Whenever Origin is described as “a different brand of football.”
• When one of the commentators displays some clear bias towards their team.
• When some blatant Channel 9 cross-promotion occurs.  Have an extra drink if it’s The Block, Reno Rumble or The Voice.
• When Billy Slater kicks someone in the face.
• If Gus Gould says, “You can never write off this QLD/NSW team.”  Have a bonus couple if that team has written themselves off.
•  If a player’s bum is shown.
• Michael Jennings drops the ball in a tackle.  Bonus drink if he gets a penalty for it being ‘stripped.’
• If a try is awarded without going to the video ref.
• If a player seems to be able to get away with an obvious penalty simply because 'Origin.'

For professionals only – three sips:

• Mention of Spider-cam.  Have a bonus drink if Spider-cam is mentioned while Spider-cam is being shown. 
• If Cam Smith questions the referee and manages to change the penalty result.
•  When Gus, Wally and Rabs start discussing great players that you’ve never fucking heard of. 
•  Every time Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is inexplicably asked for an opinion about rugby league.  Have a bonus three when he mentions a lack of helmets and padding.

Crazy talk - finish your drink:

•  If a “fight” breaks out (read: a few blokes holding onto shirts and swearing at each other while the rest of the team grabs their shirts and swears), finish your drink.  Grab yourself another one during the pointless video review of nothing happening. 
• If a player is seriously injured but shows ‘true Origin spirit’ and stays on the field (broken hand/arm/dislocated shoulder etc).
• If a player is concussed, try and match their state of mind by slamming down a full drink.
• Finish your drink if the phrase “great Origin moments” is used to describe something that is happening in the game.  Finish someone else’s drink if it’s not really that special.

And the best part of Origin?  Whatever the scoreline, a Canberra Raiders legend will be taking home the trophy.  So go fuck yourself, Wayne Bennett.  

Greg Bird cracks the defence and makes a line break

NRL 2015 Round 11: Origin Week

It’s that time of the year that excites, infuriates and ultimately disappoints the NRL punter – Origin time!  When the entire sport dedicates itself to one game, hypes the athletes involved into Roman gods, creates some kind of aura that can only be achieved by truly believing in the place where you may-or-may-not-have played your first game of football as a spiritual haven that grants superhuman powers of speed and strength, and leaves footy fans a bit flat, as only half the games in the round are played, and only half the players that you want to see are playing. 

Parramatta tried to bring in a bit of normality to the week by fucking up and exploiting the salary cap conditions.  As to where the extra money was going is anyone’s guess – it’s a pretty rough situation where a team is paying players through the arse and still can’t quite manage to (a) attract any decent players, or (b) win. 

It does answer one question that also raised its dirty little head this week, regarding Cronulla “star” (if you’re half decent at Cronulla you automatically become a star) Michael Gordon, who was rumoured to be reneging on his contact and leaving the Shire to play for Parra.  I guess now that the Eels are looking at a hefty fine and a loss of points for the 2016 season, we will be seeing ol’ ‘Flash’ Gordon at the Sharkies for 2016 as well.

It’s a sad state of affairs when a team loses points for the fuck-ups of their administration.  The NRL will be taking the Eels’ wooden spoons from the previous few seasons as punishment.  In a show of support, Cronulla actually offered to donate their 2014 spoon to the embattled Eels. 

Round 11

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Parramatta Eels

It has been a shit week for the Eels – so shit, in fact, that they have recalled Chris Sandow to the starting team.  The Bunnies are only missing one player for Origin, and I don’t think they’ll have a lot of trouble in kicking Parra while they’re down.  It’s a national pastime. 

Wests Tigers vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

I would have stuck with the Cowbs to scrape through this one until the Queensland Origin team called up Mick Morgan.  With the North Qlders fielding a team mainly consisting of the players’ mates and drunk uncles, I am tipping the Tiggers for an “upset.”

Canberra Raiders vs Canterbury Bulldogs

WOOO RAIDERS WOO.  The Green Machine would have won this game in any case, but beating an understrength, out-of-form and struggling Bulldogs outfit will just be even more fun.  Could crack the ton by half-time, to be honest. 

Newcastle Knights vs Brisbane Broncos

In a game that’s bound to piss off a lot of Broncos supporters, the Knights should win this one while the majority of Brissy are off drinking beer with Mal Meninga. 

NSW vs QLD

The best part about this year's State of Origin is that Gallen, Bird and Watmough aren’t playing – Gallen through injury, Bird through arrest and Watmough for being shit – because it might mean that the ball gets passed to more than three players all game.  In last year’s series, Michael Jennings and Josh Dugan played cards for the entire second game and no-one noticed.  Duges ended up sitting on three aces as the final siren went.  Paul Gallen’s injury has meant that his usual $650,000-for-three-games-for-NSW-per-year contract with the Sharks is kind of null and void.  So I guess that changes it to a $650,000-a-year-not-to-play-at-all.  I could get behind that. 

There are some weird selections for NSW which I don’t understand.  But that might be because I’m not a supercoach like Loz or Mal.  I don’t have the experience of the NSW or QLD coaches, who, despite not being trusted to coach a club team, are given the unenviable job of guiding their teams to play for “the most important series in history.” 

But that’s not really an issue for Origin, as players aren’t really picked on form, so why would coaches need to show any nous to get a win and earn some coin?  Three weeks ago, Alex Johnston played for Australia.  In this game, he can’t even play for NSW.  Brett Morris is there because people think he’s his brother.  Michael Jennings was picked because… he may have done something pretty remarkable in a game against the Gold Coast in 2010, and has been threatening to almost do it again this year.

NSW coach Laurie Daley has, for some reason, picked Will Hopoate, who he admits is out of form, but was part of the winning team last year, so earns another game.  He also dropped Josh Reynolds who was there last year in all 3 games but has dropped  him because his shit form is a problem this year.  I don’t have a problem with that, by the way, I think Reynolds is a fuckbag and shouldn’t even be picked to bring oranges to half time for the under 10s.  Hodkinson shouldn’t be there either.  NSW also dropped Luke Lewis, who is in form and won last year, but is too old, for the same-age Ryan Hoffman.  There’s no logic to the NSW team – Hopoate is in terrible form.  If you don’t pick Johnston, what about Jarryd Croker or James McManus or Pat Richards.  At least then you’d have the option of knocking over 58-metre field goals whenever you wanted, instead of, you know, dropping the ball every set.

One player who has been picked on form is Mitchell Pearce, but the inclusion of Robbie Farah (as fucking captain?  What the fucking fuck?) pretty much negates his impact, as Farah usually likes to take on the role of hooker and halfback at the same time, essentially pushing the designated half into the world’s smallest tackling bag for QLD. 

For Queensland, Darius Boyd makes his long-awaited comeback (I’m sure someone was looking forward to it, anyway), after 15 months off and two games back, proving that form and hard work really is the key to success, not how many handjobs you offer Wayne Bennett.  But it is the usual Queensland team that has been a bit dominant over the last few years (well, except for last year), but I don't think their best years are behind them.  It's not time to change the entirety of the line-up, but it might be a good chance to get a few inexperienced players into the mix, or at least shake some people up - put Inglis on notice that his form is shit and unless he performs in the first game, he can go fuck himself for the second.  Put up the white screen with Slater.  Stop letting Justin Hodges into the dressing room.  Things like that.

Queensland are doing the usual Queensland thing by leaking stories to the press – Inglis has a broken arm, Thurston has scurvy, Corey Parker has broken his hip in a shuffleboard incident.  Every year, the day of the first Origin game, the wonders of the Queensland health system come through and the Maroons get raised from the dead.  It’s a little-known secret that the Queensland Rugby League medical staff have actually found cures for cancer and AIDS, but until Darius Boyd comes down with symptoms, they’re keeping it hush-hush.  In news that hasn’t shocked anyone,  Billy Slater is rumoured to be carrying a shoulder injury.  This rumour spread from the fact that he’s been out for the past few weeks with a shoulder injury and has been seen favouring his shoulder since making his comeback.  He has reportedly not done any training in the QLD Origin camp due to his sore shoulder, and has instead been involved with intense physiotherapy on his injured shoulder.  This points to the simple conclusion:  he is in love with his physio.

This game will probably go down to the wire, but I don’t think it will reach any great heights. 

But hey, that’s just part of the mythos of Origin.  What it can lack in skill, it somehow makes up for in emotion and passion.  Or something.  

NRL 2015 Round 10 - The week in league

Another week, and another mixed bag of NRL shit.  The “Days Without Incident” flip-chart was reset to “zero” after reaching a high point of “3 days” following the revelation that Parramatta halfback Chris Sandow took a car for a ‘test drive’ (circle work) in an ‘industrial area’ (car park), and was involved in a ‘single-car accident’ (smashed into the curb), and had to ‘leave the car there’ (abandon) to go and ‘play football’ (lose) and has subsequently been ‘rested’ (dropped) due to ‘form’ (off-field incidents).  

In an unrelated (as far as we know) incident, Rooster/Warrior Roger Tuivasa-Sheck pulled an injured citizen out of a car that had crashed into a house.  Tuivasa-Sheck reportedly tucked the civilian under one arm, side-stepped two ambulances and a fire engine before palming off a paramedic on his way to the hospital.  

Cameron Smith proved that his eyesight is still perfect despite his ageing self during the Storm’s victory over the Eels last week, as he was able to find a Parramatta supporter in the crowd… and subsequently kicked a football at them, proving that he is still the best man to lead the Kangaroos and win the people’s hearts.  

Issaac Luke found himself $10,000 poorer after he was reported for posting a homophobic tweet.  Unfortunately for Luke, the only word he managed to spell correctly was “poofters.”  I think the fine was a bit over-the-top – sorry, OTT – as he seems to have been punished more for being an idiot rather than a bigot.  I’m pretty sure if he actually intended to be homophobic, he may have been a bit more explicit, with a lot more use of the magic word. 

  

On the field, Konrad Hurrell was suspended for three weeks following a horrible collision with Anthony Tupou, who was left looking like a common Souths supporter as Hurrell’s high knees found Tupou’s jaw, resulting in smashed teeth and a pretty ordinary looking face.  It’s bad news for Toops, but good news for science, as the age-old question of “what does Konrad Hurrell’s knee taste like?” has been answered:  

"Blood.  Hurrell's knees taste like blood."

ROUND 10

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Sydney Roosters

For some reason, Channel 9 are advertising this game as the battle of the NRL’s most exciting halves, proving once again that Channel 9 are yet to watch a game of football.  It will be interesting to watch Reynolds struggle, fail and self-destruct again though.  Even though I don’t like them, the Chooks should stroll out to win this one.

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos

In the real showdown of exciting halves, I’m tipping the Cows to upset the ladder-topping Broncs, as the Brissy defence will be put under some serious pressure from Thurston and Morgan, who has impressed in recent weeks.  How fucking professional did that sound?  Very.  The answer is very. 

Parramatta Eels vs New Zealand Warriors

Some have said that the Warriors have been horribly inconsistent this year; I think they have proved themselves to be consistently horrible.  Eh?  Eh?  They’ll still beat the Eels though, because… well… Parramatta.

Gold Coast Titans vs Cronulla Sharks

The Titans proved to be lacking in the go department last week, and Greg Bird’s suspension dealt the team a real blow as they were unable to get over the line.  The Tits will be up against it this weekend, but I think their defence will crack under pressure and the Sharkies will snuff them out. 

Melbourne Storm vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

It was nice of Adam Reynolds and John Sutton to come in last week and steer the Rabbits to a much-needed victory.  Not so nice of them to injure themselves again though.  And even though I think the Storm are playing absolute dog’s balls (Billy Slater getting Man of the Match for last week’s game?  Fuck off), it’s with one eye on the Bunnies’ injured list that I tip a Melbourne victory.

St George Illawarra vs Canberra Raiders

For two-and-a-half glorious hours last weekend, Canberra found themselves in the top 4.  Now they find themselves on equal fifth, which is about a thousand places higher than anyone suspected this year (except me).  The Green Machine are running strong at the moment, and the Dragons' defence is going to fall thanks to Canberra's Blake Austin, who is currently shredding opposition like a majestic, Nordic version of Laurie Daley on steroids.  

Newcastle Knights vs Wests Tigers

Ummmmmmm I’ll tip the Knights.  I think.  I’m still not sure.  I don’t know.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Penrith Panthers

Manly are still coming last.  STILL.  Sure, it’s only by one point on for-and-against, but still.  Last.  It’s a great moment that is all too fleeting, as I think the ol’ cheating Sea Eagles will get one up on the Pink Penny Panthers this week.  All great things must come to an end… except my tipping, which went gangbusters last week.

This is more impressive when you look at last week's results, not, you know, my overall standings.

NRL 2015 Round 9: Australia... lost?

What a week in rugby league – New Zealand knocked the Aussies from top spot as world champions following a shemozzle of a Test match on Sunday that proved that not only are Australia quite fallible, but they’re also getting a bit shit at the ol’ game of “runtackleruntackleruntackleruntackleruntackleKICKfuckfuckfuck.”  A lot of people knee-jerked their way to the selector’s couch and starting pointing fingers at the elder statesmen of the team, such as Greg Inglis (who turned 28 this year), Billy Slater (who wasn’t playing) and Jonathan Thurston (who actually played quite well, considering the fact that his halves partner was too busy looking like Toby Maguire from Spider-Man 3 and doing some kind of emo dance number with Ron Howard’s daughter to play footy or fight crime or try to impress Mary Jane Watson.  And what was the deal with the landlord’s daughter in the Spider-Man movies?  You know, the one that kept making Peter Parker cookies and bringing him milk?)

Hang on, I’ve fucking lost my train of thought completely.  How bad was Spider-Man 3 though, seriously?  I knew when it showed about twelve minutes of Kirsten Dunst and James Franco preparing to cook an omelette that we were in for some trouble. 

Anyway, Australia lost the football.  Inglis had a terrible game, but I don’t think he’s quite past it yet.  I thought that Will Chambers on the wing had a pretty special debut Test match – special in the sense of it being a euphemism for being disabled.  I don’t know if someone thought it would be a good idea to take all of the studs out of his shoes, or force him to soak his hands in vasoline all night, but it was a prank that didn’t pay off.  There are a lot of other wingers in the comp who look like they’ve shown a lot more promise than this puppy.  If he gets another chance, he’d better thank his greasy boots and limited ball control that he did.

In other league news, Greg Bird has officially crowned himself “Fuckwit of the Week” (again) by smashing some poor dickhead’s head into the ground and then saying, “Nuh, wasn’t me and shit hey.”  But it was.  Birdie copped 7 weeks for his troubles, ruling him out of State of Origin.  YAY!  If Bird and Gallen don’t play, it might even mean that the ball gets passed to someone who plays slightly further than one bloke on either side of the ruck.

Steve Matai also decided that it had been a few weeks too long since his last stint on the sidelines, so he went out of his way to find a new and interesting way to get suspended:  Making contact with an official.  The lazy fuck couldn’t even be bothered to just coat-hanger someone.  

  

Round 9

Brisbane vs Panthers

The Panthers are still struggling with injuries, and despite Jamie Soward making his comeback from a broken… uh fuck I don’t know… sternum?  Sure why not… I don’t see them joining the winner’s circle this week.  Brissy will be all over Penrith like unemployment, ice addiction and teenage pregnancy.

Roosters vs Tigers

Both teams are playing like balls.  The Roosters will win, but it won’t be pretty.  And fuck I hate James Maloney.

Raiders vs Titans

Three weeks in a row since the Raiders have lost.  Sure, there were no games last weekend, but fuck it, we’ll take it.  Canberra have sucked at home this year, but that’s all about to turn around. 

Sharks vs Warriors

Ummm…  Warriors.  Look, don’t ask me why.  Maybe because the Kiwis won the Test match last week and they’ll be all “hey bro, remember when we were good at footy hey?  We can do it again.”  Look, if you read that in a softly-spoken New Zealand accent, it seriously works.  Don’t look at me like that.

Cowbs vs Dogs

Josh Reynolds is a deadset wanker.  He has got to be the biggest deadshit going around the game right now.  He never learns his lesson and he just has a face like a screwed up chamois once he gets put on report. What an infuriating gronk. 

Manly vs Newcastle

Manly will move from last place if the amount of points that Parramatta (not in this game) lose by and that Manly wins by is more than 39.  Maths, bitches.  Stay in school, yeah?  Also, Manly at Brookvale are hard to beat, as they're used to avoiding the gravelly parts of the field, and are oblivious to the used syringes and broken glass that makes up most of the oval.

Eels vs Storm

I guess the Storm will win this.  But probably not by much, and I’m not terribly confident.

Souths vs Saints

I even found a little movie for this game.  Go me!  (click above)  On form, St George should win this by about 1700 points, which would be a strangely entertaining game.  But that’s pretty unlikely to happen – the kicker’s foot would probably fall off somewhere around the 400 point mark anyway.  I’m going to tip for the Bunnies to regain a semblance of form and grind out a win.  But probably not by 1700 points.  Probably.

Blockheads are dickheads

I used to be a fan of The Block.  Thought it was great.  Apparently, so did a lot of other people, and it was decided by the geniuses who rule the TV that it should be on for about eight hours each night.  Then it was decided by the TV rulers that it should be bigger than last year.  Then bigger.  And bigger.  With more people.  Then with the same people.  But always bigger BIGGER BIGGER.

Because bigger is best.  Bigger means more excitement, more interest, more fun. 

Essentially, The Block is about four teams renovating four houses.  They get given a few hundred grand to spend on tiles, paint, furniture and actual professionals to come in and build their shit properly.  Of course, you also have the option of not hiring professionals and hard-wiring your own electricity to save money to spend on more down-lights.  Each team is then judged by three wankers on the quality of their cornices and the colours of their cushions.  Eventually, the houses get sold and the contestants win some money. 

It started with the teams doing up four three-bedroom houses in Bondi.  Nice part of the world, nice houses, and everyone was happy.  Then they did some in Melbourne.  Bigger houses, nice location, everyone was happy.  Then they decided to create three-floor townhouse apartments, gave them half the money and turned off their electricity for a few months.  Some of the viewers were happy.  Then they gave them less money, no electricity, no experience and instructed them to renovate heritage-listed homes.  A few people were happy.  Then they made the contestants sleep in an office block with no electricity, no plumbing and no food and instructed them to build shops in which to sell things that they made to earn money to renovate a mansion to be sold.  A lot of people were confused.

And the latest series has just wrapped up, with perennial cunts Dea and Daz earning themselves close to a million dollars in prize money.  To have these idiots win came as a huge shock to a lot of people, considering they were on the previous series and threatened to sue Channel 9 if they weren’t given more prize money this time.  They are also already rich as fuck, as ex-AFL player Daz now runs his own carpentry business, while Dea hires herself out as a penis impersonator. 

The contestants are only part of why the show has become a bit shit.  The scope of the project is just too big.  I am not fooled for one fucking microsecond that the time-frame that the contestants get given by Scott “Please Punch Me in the Face” Cam is realistic, and that the ‘reality tv show clock’ gets used.  “You need to do a bathroom and a laundry and a living room and an outdoor gazebo thanks to our friends at Mitre 10 in four days!”  I’m sorry, but it takes four days to put a fitted sheet on a bed properly, let alone waterproofing a bathroom the size of a football stadium.  The contestants are forced to hire tradies to do all of the work – and fuck it, they have to; if I was a punter looking to buy a house for about $2 million that was built by a guy who looks like a hobbit and keeps supergluing himself to the bannister, I’d be a bit fucking wary and would take my coin elsewhere, you know, to a place that isn’t being held up by Channel 9 cameras and gaffa tape.

So if there are full-time builders who are there to knock up a house, what do the contestants actually do?  Well done, viewers, you’ve just watched a whole season of eight spastics buy taps for the kitchen, thanks to our friends at Stegbar, and hang ‘industrial chic pendant lights’ next to a mattress with a giant fucking bed-head, thanks to our friends at Everything Looks the Same. 

But they have more than the ability to throw a rug, thanks to our friends at Freedom; they also have to paint the walls and ceilings of their houses, a job they seem to enjoy doing at about 3am while they mung on energy drinks, thanks to our friends at Monster, to the beat of the Top 40, thanks to our friends at Mushroom Records. 

The judges are all a pack of fuckwits too.  The bald guy doesn’t wear socks with his suit, the young bloke just stares at the ceiling all day and the woman seems to be drunk most of the time.  All three of them begin each critique with the phrase “look at this.”  It’s a fucking television show, you dipshit.  We have to look at “that.”

Go back to building a fucking house.  Fuck The Block.  Fuck the contestants, fuck the hosts, fuck the show, fuck our friends at Masters, Australia's fastest growing hardware store.  Fuck it all. 

Previously on The Block, we didn't show you enough sponsorship, so we're showing it to you again

NRL 2015 ROUND 8: The Return of the Tips

Round Eight?  Holy shit.  Time flies when you’re hanging out with Greg Bird.  One day you’re there on the Gold Coast, chilling with the Titans, just doing Gold Coast Titans kinds of things, and the next thing you know, you’re waking up naked in a small boat on its way to Puerto Rico.  It’s not easy managing international travel without pants, you know.

Speaking of the Titans, did you know that between the end of the 2014 season and before the start of the 2015 season, six players were arrested or charged by police?  That’s not even counting the ones that got pinged for minor offences, or the ones that were, you know, caught in a cocaine trafficking racket. 

It doesn’t even include Kevin Gordon, who, while it may seem that he’s not doing anything wrong here, it surely can’t be, you know, 100% legal.  

But it’s not all bad news for both of the Titans fans, as the team is showing some surprisingly good form this year, which in no way coincides with half the club being involved in the possession and distribution of class-A stimulants. 

So what else is going on in the NRL this year?  Well, after three rounds, Souths had (according the Ray Warren, the voice and doyen of rugby league) “forgotten how to lose.”  Then they were quickly reminded, and by the way they’ve been playing lately, may have even forgotten how to win.

So it doesn’t look like he’s favouring one team, Rabs has also fucked up the Roosters by shouting their merits from rooftops, as well as injured both of the Morris brothers for Canterbury.  If I was Jonathon Thurston, I’d be pretty scared right about now, cos Ray has a massive commentator boner for him. 

But the best news is that the Manly Sea Eagles find themselves with just one win so far this year, cementing themselves on the bottom of the NRL ladder.  Manly’s 2015 has so far been decimated by injuries, which, when added to the infighting that’s going on with club management and their bold decision to off-load all of their good players (“Let’s hang onto Steve Matai!”) has produced a fairly lacklustre first couple of games for the Sea Eagles.   

Surprise packets have been the Broncos and the Dragons so far, although I can’t imagine either of them maintaining their current form for a whole lot longer.  The Dragons are relying too much on their defence to win games and have apparently not bothered with an offensive plan other than “kick it, close your eyes, cross your fingers and pray really hard.”  The Broncos have been gritty so far, but I think they’re about ten minutes of bad football away from a long and painful loss of form.  Plus, Jack Reed.  You can’t have a successful team with that guy hanging around.  Surely.  Surely!

ROUND 8

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Wests Tigers

Tedesco is running hot for the Tigers, so watch him to blow his knee in the opening 10 minutes.  The mongers at Canterbury are playing for contracts and Origin spots, so they’ll be desperate to perform.

New Zealand Warriors vs Gold Coast Titans

Warriors get my tip simply because they can’t be this shit for this long. 

Newcastle Knights vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Newcastle are equal second.  That just doesn’t make sense.  Look for Gidley to come out this week and utterly ruin all of their chances of winning.

Sydney Roosters vs St George Illawarra Dragons

If there’s a test for the Dragons defence, it’s this game.  As long as they stay patient, they’ll grind to a win.  And it’s always good to see James Maloney look like he’s about to cry after a loss.

Melbourne Storm vs Manly Sea Eagles

The pressure will really be on Melbourne not to fuck up the Eagles’ stellar start to the season, but I predict that this will be the second time in a week that Manly gets flogged by a Storm.  Fuck it, Manly are doing so badly that even if they win the next two rounds, they'll still be coming last.

Brisbane Broncos vs Parramatta Eels

The Bronco’s form will no doubt be set back by the apparent return of Justin Hodges this weekend, but I’m tipping them to hold on for the win.  Parra have been a bit lucky in the past few games, and… um… I don’t really know much about Parramatta this season.  But apparently they are definitely playing.  Good on them.

Penrith Panthers vs Cronulla Sharks

Both teams have been hit pretty hard by injury this year, with the Penny Panthers losing their half-line.  Cronulla also lost their star five-eighth in Ben Barba, which was the best thing that’s happened to the team since Andrew Ettingshausen.  Roll on, Sharkies. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Canberra Raiders

With Souths missing Adam Reynolds, it leaves a big hole in their armour, and will put a heap of pressure on Luke Keary.  The Raiders have found a new enforcer recently in the form of Iosia Soliola, who has shown this year that he terrorises the play-makers.  If he digs deep, gives 110% and can get a good, late clean hit on Keary, it will go a long way into the upset of the round.  Despite that, I’m going for the Bunnies to regain a bit of form and notch a win this round.

I'm pretty sure Hodges and Thurston are both worried they're about to be spat on in the next four seconds

PS.  Please forgive the lateness of my reply.

50 Shades of I Knew Exactly What I Was Getting Myself Into

50 Shades of Grey: The Movie follows 50 Shades of Grey: The Book pretty fucking closely – probably to its own detriment, seeing as the book is about 200 pages of alternating paragraphs of a woman saying, “Oh my!” and then detailing wild bondage sex sessions with a 27-year old handsome billionaire entrepreneur genius with great abs and a massive wang. 

I will shamelessly admit that I follow pop culture trends – I read the Harry Potter books, I did the Hunger Games thing, I even smashed through the Twilight series, so it was a logical progression that I picked up 50 Shades to see what all the fuss was about.  In its original form, the 50 Shades books were written by a presumably drunk, horny and borderline illiterate Twilight fan, who detailed the bedroom antics of Twilight vampire couple Edward and Bella (spoiler alert: Bella becomes a vampire, so suck on that, Jacob!) and posted it online.  She was encouraged by other drunk, horny illiterates to keep writing, and voila – welcome to the Red Room of Pain. 

The books follow the patented Twilight-recipe-for-success down to a tee – there’s no character development, there’s a smattering of unnecessary minor characters who appear and disappear within the same sentence, the entire thing takes place within a plot hole, there is next to no storyline, and (this is the big one) relationships are relayed directly to the reader instead of inferred through dialogue and action.  If two characters are in love, make no mistake – you’ll be told that they are in love.  They will tell each other that they’re in love.  And they won’t have a fucking reason as to why.  The character of Christian Grey is perhaps the most wooden, one-dimensional, unlikeable leading man in literary and cinematic history.  He is narcissistic, sadistic, selfish and fucking boring; there no reason why anyone would be interested in fucking him (well, maybe once, for the story), but to fall in love with him?  Get fucked.  Impossible. 

“We don’t care about the story!” say the housewives who lapped this shit up.  “Just give us good sex scenes!”  But here’s the kicker, dickheads - you will very rarely enjoy a two-hour movie if you don’t give a fuck about the characters, regardless of whether it’s a billion-dollar blockbuster, a low-budget indie flick or a soft-porn adaptation.  And with the restrictions on just how porno the filmmakers could go with this one, you are left with two hours of “insinuated” sex, which consists of a lot of close ups of thighs, lips and the occasional curve of a bum.  For the record, I tallied five pube sightings and a bit of shaft.  It was a good day out for me.

The movie is actually a fairly decent recreation of the source material, so hats off to whoever it was that wrote and directed it (details are my life), but the problems with the stilted dialogue and clumsy plot are exacerbated a trillion times over when it’s on the screen.  Christian’s emotional depth is shown through him playing classical music on his piano when he can’t sleep.  He manages to avoid his workplace for the entire movie to stalk a college student yet still single-handedly run his billion-dollar enterprise.  His musings on starving children in Africa are juxtaposed by him showing off his collection of luxury cars, private jets and helicopters.  His mother visiting his house for twenty seconds, from opening the front door to walking out.  None of it works, and there are no easy escapes to be made – at least the author of the books could just throw in a random paragraph about them fucking on a trapeze, but there’s no such liberties for the filmmakers, and it turns it into a clumsy, awkward mess. 

I think you're doing chocolate wrong... or something

It’s all fucking ridiculous, is what it boils down to.  It succeeds neither with the nudie bits or the other bits, and it doesn’t matter what you’ve read, heard or seen about it, you already know if you’re going to watch it.

I give 50 Shades of Grey a score of five pubes and a bizarrely featured peacock feather.  

How To Order a Pizza

Step 1.  

Ring pizza place.

Step 2.  

Say, “Hi, I’d like to order a pizza.”

Step 3.  

Realise you’re a dickhead and hang up.

Step 4.  

Ring up again a few minutes later and put on a different voice so the pizza guy doesn’t think that you’re the same dickhead who rang earlier for “a pizza.”

Step 5.

Be told, "It’s a Saturday night; the driver could be some time,” which is code for: "it’ll take long enough that you forget that you even thought about ordering a pizza" and so you watch another episode of something, or crack another beer, which undoubtedly means that you are going to forget about it entirely, who knows, you might even talk the wife into some impromptu sexy time. More realistically, maybe you decide to play some Mario Kart. "OK, man, you're tied. Rainbow Road. You SUCK at rainbow road. Alright, focus. You got this. Koopa Troopa all day."

And then that knock at the door. FUCK!  Pizza!  You don't have plates out, no napkins, no nothing. You also possibly don't have pants on, but more likely you were startled by the buzzer, thus dropping the controller, THUS eating shit off the edge of that fucking Rainbow Road and losing again.  I bet Princess Peach even beat me. What an absolute fuck face.

Step 6.  

Answer the door and grab your pizza.  I mean, everything is pretty much fine, but fucking hell, why does this always seem to happen?

My TV is spying on me... and it's really, really bored.

Idiots all over Australia are pissing their pants in anger over their Samsung Smart TV’s ability to recordprivate conversations and send the information to a “third party.”  I’m actually surprised that anyone who had a voice-activated television would be bothered to complain about anything, to be honest. 

It all sounds a bit scary, and even people who have never read George Orwell’s 1984 will be complaining about Big Brother (and how Lawson should never have cheated with Kat, and like, what’s going on with Leo?).  But what they’re not really getting is the fact that “Big Brother” has been recording their conversations for years so they can advertise straight to you.  You think Google doesn’t collect, use and sell your search history?  The advertising on the sidebar of Gmail literally changes within keystrokes depending on what you’re emailing someone about.  Those “recommended for you” items that appear on your Facebook wall aren’t coincidental either – funnily enough, they’re linked into your social media accounts.  If you change your status to “just got back from walking the dog! LOL!!!!111” you will most likely see ads trying to sell you shit for your dog, ads trying to sell you shit for walking, and a massive crowbar across the face from me.  People really don’t give a fuck about you shuffling around the block for 10 minutes while texting your friend and carrying a bag full of dog poo at the same time.  And if they do, then they are probably already being advertised to about that.  "HALF PRICE DOG POO FOR NEXT 48 HOURS!" 

When you record an episode of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, the information it gathers might be that you’re a fan of reality shows, celebrity shows and are slightly retarded, and recommend whichever version of the Kardashians is on.  The Smart TV is the next inevitable step – it’s just being more obvious about it.  While it will analyse your viewing habits, it will also pick up on some topics of conversation, so when you’re on the couch discussing your upcoming holiday, which sports team you like, the fact that you’re out of milk or how you need a new crowbar, your telly is paying just enough attention to pick out the important words so the next time you use social media, you’ll have ads and recommendations for flight details, the official Twitter feed of @sports_team_official, some bonus Fly Buy points for buying Coles brand moo juice and a link to my blog. 

Just click the link, I need thehits.

If you’re seriously worried about all of your private information being collected, I’m afraid you’re probably too late.  But just for your own safety, you should burn your computer and phone; deactivate your Facebook, Twitter and Instagram; lose your throne as king of Four Square; let go of your Flappy Bird record; sell your Farmville farm; and for fuck’s sake, stop talking to your television, you creepy, lazy fuck.  Use your remote like the athletes among us.

Being at the end of the line

I think a good super power would be that when you join a queue and no one lines up behind you, you don't get nervous and feel like you're doing something wrong.

How did it get so far under there?

I think a good super power would be that when you throw your keys or wallet onto the bed, they don't bounce off and go underneath it.

Worst Job in the World

If I was a policeman, there's no way I'd ever move to China.  I'd ask someone, "Can you describe the man who robbed you?" and they'd say, "He's about my height, slim build, black hair, dark eyes and oriental features."  I'd just arrest everyone and hit the donut spring roll shop.

Haters gonna hate shake n bake...

The Triple J Hottest 100 controversially left out the Taylor Swift hit pop song "Shake It Off" from their countdown, despite Tay-Tay fans flooding the polls with thousands of votes.

Some have called it "an abuse of a democratic exercise."  Others have taken to Twitter to describe it as "totes unfair like t swizzle deserves to be no 1 who'se jet fakir anyway? #dumbass #haterz", with a host of people declaring their stance by posting "this is why I don't listen to JJJ in the first place."

For those who are pissed off by Triple J's stance not to play Taylor Swift in the first place, and then not include her votes in the second (by way of being ineligible for the first reason), it has become quite apparent that you've missed the whole point of her song.  T-Swiz would be disappointed.  And you know that means that she's writing a shithouse new song about you for her next album... which also won't be played on Triple J.

Shave your moth.

My friends don't do this. My friends suck.

Whenever I'm at a concert, there are always people in the crowd who are intent on filming the band on their mobile phone or tablet, probably so they can really impress their friends later on by showing them a video recording of a wall of sound and feedback.

Cricket Tri-Series 2015 - Australia vs India.... vs England

We’ve had our fun with Test cricket and possibly even more fun with the Big Bash League (especially with the stump microphones turned up to eleven), and now it’s time to reign in the good times with the beginning of the Tri-Nation One-Day International Series as a quick warm-up for the ODI World Cup starting on 14 February, which makes an ideal date night for Valentine’s Day, as nothing says, “I love you, schmoopie” like watching a cricket match and swearing at every ball bowled between the overs of 15 and 40 (that’s 150 balls, for those playing at home), but refusing to not watch the game in case “something happens.” 

The One-Dayer doesn’t pull the crowds like it used to, but that’s not going to stop Cricket Australia from giving their fielding-restricted, batsman-friendly, security-conscious, calculated-innings and predictable-run-chase form of the game another outing.  This year, we have invited England to watch two proper teams playing to win the claim as the Number One ODI team in the world, which will be nice for everyone, although in typical Pom behaviour, they have complained about touring Australia as they have to stay in hotels, whereas the last time they toured in South Africa, each member of the English team was able to stay with their parents.

The Tri-Series will be a great litmus test for the World Cup, as we will see just how out-of-form Shane Watson is, how England’s plan to only bring one bowler on tour will go, and just how much of a motherfucking deity Virat Kohli is.  Australia’s team (without perennially injured captain Michael Clarke) have made a combined 19 ODI centuries, England a modest (and possibly over-achieving) 15, whereas Virat Kohli has put together 21 ODI hundreds by himself. However, it will be interesting to follow the rest of the Indian team’s progress through the tournament, as they will be in the unfamiliar position of not playing for a draw.   

It will also be of particular interest to note the quality of the Australian and Indian fielding, which was, fair to say, fucking shithouse during the recent Tests, with neither side looking like they’d be able to catch an STD in a Bangkok brothel during the whole series.  I’m sure the English team are licking their lips in anticipation of being able to say, “At least I can catch better than you!” as they are taunted by Ishant Sharma, after he has knocked over their top four batsman with innocuous, straight, medium-paced deliveries that do not deviate off the pitch nor in the air.  And Ishant will be licking HIS lips in anticipation of being the player who doesn’t look the most like a lesbian when Joe Root makes his way onto the ground. 

Australian Xavier Doherty has been given another opportunity to add to his impressive international experience for the tri-series and World Cup events, as he strives to perfect 12^th man duties including mixing the cordial, delivering fresh gloves to the batsmen and buffing Shane Watson’s front pad to ensure it absorbs all impact of the ball as he plants it in front of middle stump. 

And so we tune into Channel 9 and look forward to an extravaganza of day-night commentary prowess, with Ian Chappell complaining about the size of the bats that modern-day players use, how much protective gear they wear, and the time that he had to wear his brother’s trousers in a warm-up match in 1968 because the button had fallen off.  Slats and Warney will talk about the 90s era of cricket while Mark Tubby Taylor highlights the oft-overlooked aspects of the great game such as “Australia would like a wicket right now” and “the last thing India want to do is lost a wicket right now” and James Brayshaw tries his hardest to be acknowledged as an ex-cricketer.  Mark Nicholas will hold the KFC commentary team together by ensuring they all mention the sponsors as often as is Bunningsly possible during the Toyota change-of-innings and the ever-popular Taubman’s Cricket Trivia segment, courtesy of Optus and Harvey Norman’s half-yearly January sale. 

The sun is out, the umpires are in position and George Bailey is ready to toss.  

Oh god yes

Love Poem for the ages

Roses are red

This poem is bad

What rhymes with red?

What rhymes with bad?

Longer lasting performance

"Hey Phil, could you come over here for a second?"

"I'm coming!"

Phil's premature ejaculation was getting to be a real problem.

Every fucking Monday

I hate it when you're brushing your teeth and somehow you dribble toothpaste and it smears on your shirt, so you wipe it off and everything looks clean again, but then an hour later it looks like you've got a big jizz stain on your shirt.