It's finals week in the NRL, so that means it's time to knuckle down at training, perfect backline movements, get tougher in defence, grab a random doctor to falsify a blood test in a car park and prescribe some valium under a different name to bring us all down after a week of hoovering up ketamine and assaulting our pregnant wives (note: allegedly) before we hit the field for some top-class rugby league.
In a story that just couldn't come at a better time, Souths are in some shit for covering up the antics of former player Sam Burgess, who has seemingly relinquished his "English larrakin" moniker in place of "Fuckin grubby cunt" as documents have come to light about rampant drug use, domestic violence, and the lengths that the South Sydney club went to in order to cover it all up. It's not a great look for the sport, and couldn't come at a worse time since we finally got Brisbane a wooden spoon and everyone was happy.
Unfortunately it's not the first time that Souths have been involved in covering up a couple of handy misdemeanours, with Greg Inglis, Luke Burgess, John Sutton and Cody Walker all benefitting from being swept under the rug - and based on the size of those players, that's either a really big rug, or some amazing sweeping. You just wouldn't get that kind of service from a Roomba.
Sam has reportedly denied the allegations, although no one could really understand a word of what he said, possibly due to his thick accent and the fact that he was sucking on a Chupa Chup at the time.
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Finals Week 1
Penrith Panthers vs Sydney Roosters
The Panthers wrapped up the minor premiership with a standard 40-point flogging of the Bulldogs last week, just in time to take on the reigning premiers in the Sydney Roosters, fresh after conceding 60-points last week. It will be interesting to see if they can bounce back from such a shellacking, and knowing the fucking Roosters, they fucking will. However, I'm going to stick with the Panthers, as they have been the form team all year, and they deserve to go all the way to the Granny before getting destroyed by someone like the Raiders.
Canberra Milk Mighty Raiders gorn piss off vs Cronulla Sharks
It was an interesting match up last week when these teams played each other, with both outfits opting to pit their players' children against each other instead of risking injury to their established first-graders. This week, both teams have unsurprisingly named full-strength sides in what should be a much different affair but with a strangely similar outcome. Raiders by twelve million. Easy peasy, mofos. Put your house on it and buy twelve million more when it pays off.
Melbourne Storm vs Parramatta Eels
Oh dear Parra, how did you even get here? For a team to have been as rubbish as the Eels have been for so long, it's hard to work out how they even managed to stay in the top 4 all year. I'm just going to assume that they changed the ladder on NRL.com and no one noticed or cared. I cannot even imagine this going any other way but a comprehensive Melbourne win. If the Eels do somehow manage to win this, they should also win Australia's Got Talent for their dedication to impersonating a shithouse footy team for about four months.
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Newcastle Knights
I hope Newcastle have their gender-reveal footballs ready to punt into the crowd, because that's about the only thing they'll be celebrating this weekend. I don't see them causing too much trouble this weekend, or any other weekend really, unless Mitch Pearce wants to head out on the town with Sammy Burgess. Souths have a bit of a tumultuous weekend to put at the back of their mind to focus on the footy, but as history shows, they are quite good at ignoring the big issues.
