It's tough being a professional athlete sometimes.
With the end of the season still leaking out of our nostrils, let's have a look and see how your favourite team faired in 2018:
Sydney Roosters:
Living proof that it is quite, quite possible to buy a minor premiership and still avoid salary cap breaches. I still don't think they have played their best footy yet, despite coming first, which is a bit shit for everyone else. Cronk is still a liability in defence and has offered about as much in attack, other than "pass to Mitchell and see what happens."
Melbourne Storm:
We saw glimpses of the future of the Storm this year, and it's not looking particularly great for all three Melbourne fans. Their strength is in their structure, and any deviation from that leads to gigantic weaknesses that make them look like a big ol bunch of purple spastics.
South Sydney Rabbitohs:
I didn’t rate the Bunnies at the start of the season, then I did, then I didn't again, and now I'm just not sure. They have a gamut of superstars who are yet to fire at the same time. If that happens, the world will probably implode. If the Burgess brothers are the backbone of the team, Damien Cook is all the other bones, and Cody Walker is the skin. Keary is the appendix; you only notice him when he's trying to kill you, Inglis is the damaged cartilage in your knee that makes it hurt when you climb stairs (you know you should get rid of it, but it might also be worse if you do), Crichton is your amputated finger and everyone else is all the other bits that I couldn't be bothered finding analogies for.
Cronulla Sharks:
Fuck the Sharks, honestly. Still probably the least likeable teams in the entire universe who are known drug cheats, grubs and salary cap frauds. The only reason they are still allowed in the comp is despite all of their dirty chratung ways, they're actually pretty good.
Penrith Panthers:
How? How how how how how did the Panthers finish in sixth position? They are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. They never looked dominant at any stage this year, and played their best footy when they were down by 30 points with six minutes to go, and win by 12. You can ride that luck for a while, but eventually it's going to kick you right in the testicles.
Brisbane Broncos:
Hitting their straps at the right time, I'm a bit scared of the Broncos at the moment. Not like really scared though, I'd still fight them. Step up, Milford you fat fuck. They've somehow managed to put some off-field coaching-management issues behind them and performed way better than they deserved to.
St George Illawarra Dragons:
Still blaming their end-of-season slide on the Origin series that happened three months ago, the Dragons should bow out pretty soon and continue to fall short of expectations like usual. A few injuries haven't helped their cause, but the main issue is the freefall of Ben Hunt, who has lost ability and confidence so quickly that it wouldn't surprise me if someone removed his mask to reveal that he was Josh Mc Crone all along.
NZ Warriors:
The Warriors are always odds-on favourites to either win the grand final or come dead last, and this year hasn't been much different. They've managed to fly under the radar pretty successfully, and should not be underestimated as a genuine threat.
Wests Tigers:
The Tiges probably made a few new fans this year under the coaching of Ivan Cleary, and while not coming last was their greatest achievement, they weren't entirely convincing either. With a game plan based more on defence than than trying to score points, they weren't always entertaining to watch, but that is usually the case for any team with Robbie Farah in it.
Canberra Fucken Raiders:
Another glorious year for the boys in lime green, who ended the season with the highest amount of points scored. That sounds pretty good until you combine it with the fact that they didn't make the top eight, or really go very close to it. The popular fixes for their defensive lapses involved "sack the lot of em!" or "sack Ricky!", but I think the answer mught lie somewhere around teaching the lads how to tackle.
Newcastle Knights:
Didn’t come last, which is nice for a change. They also gave the rest of the NRL a preview at the next "big thing" in Kalyn Ponga, so we can expect to see him playing for the Roosters pretty soon.
Canterbury Bulldogs:
Finishing the year on a high, the Doggies eventually turned away from their trusted "let's stick with the same fuys doing the same thing & hope for something different" and threw a couple of young up'n'comers into the mix. Hey, here's a shock: they didn't suck. For a team without any superstars in it, they still had to offload a bit of their talent, plus Aaron Woods, at fire-sale prices. Who's looking after their books anyway, Keiran Foran?
North Queensland Cowboys:
After making an appearance in the Grand Final in 2017, all it took was the return of their best player, a true legend of the game and undoubtedly one of the greatest players of a generation, to send them to the bottom of the ladder, avoiding the wooden spoon in round twenty-fucking-four. Fairly disappointing year for the Cows, to be perfectly Francis. They probably held onto a few players a bit too long after their "best before" date. You have to pay attention to those dates, unless it's yoghurt. You can eat that forever.
Gold Coast Titans:
I am surprised to see the Tits so far down the ladder, to be honest. I didn't think they were this shit. Consistency was their greatest enemy this year, along with tackling, handling, kicking and scoring. With another quality half to take some pressure away from Elgey, 2019 could see the Titans at the lofty heights of "only just missing the finals".
Manly Sea Eagles:
At the start of the year, I had a dream that Manly won the grand final. Obviously this is a signthat I shouldn't pay too much attention to my dreams, except for that one with Star Wars-era Natalie Portman. Manly have got a heap of quality players, so maybe this time - and this time only - the coach is to blame. It was actually a bit rude of them to be so bad at footy but still avoid the wooden spoon.
Parramatta Eels:
Holy fuck, what happened here? It's not even that the players are that bad, but as soon as they found themselves behind on the scoreboard, or facing sustained pressure (both of which happened this year a lot), the team lost interest, lay down, had a quick wank & fell asleep. I don't think I need to iterate that that is NOT how the game of rugby league is played. Lying down and sleeping is frowned upon. The less that next year's team resembles this year's one, the better.
